Descriptions Wanted 1.0

Trey

I freaking love you, @Phaestus. Please don't ever leave.

Argys

Since I'm a newb, I figure I can get away with a "little" change in my description, so Argys is now a proper Dwarf at four feet!

Fengrych

Looking for some critique:

He possesses a light build, and stands at what looks to be around 170 centimeters tall. His skin is paler than most and a mess of dark black hair dons his head. He possesses an angular face with high cheekbones, and slightly slanted eyes of a dark brown color can be seen upon his face above a thin, pointed nose. There is no sign of a beard, nor does there appear to be any sign of one forthcoming.

Zhisana

Exact measurements (in feet and centimeters) always felt weird to me in descriptions. If a mhun/dwarf is unusually tall maybe he or she could be "as tall as a human" or a tsol'aa as "tall as a troll." 

@Fengrych I think 'don' refers to an item you're wearing rather than hair that's growing out of your head Other than that, I would just simplify a bit:

He possesses a light lean build, and stands at what looks to be around 170 centimeters tall as tall as a TK. His skin is paler than most pale, and contrasting sharply with the mess of dark black hair dons on his head. He possesses an angular face with high cheekbones, and his slightly slanted dark brown eyes of a dark brown color can be seen upon his face above a  his thin, pointed nose. There is no sign of a beard, nor does there appear to be any sign of one forthcoming.

Antonius

@Lyr:

"Tanned and conditioned to maximize both comfort and durability, the grip has been moulded to fit a left hand comfortably."

You've already mentioned comfort, saying that the grip is moulded to fit the hand comfortably seems unnecessary. Also keep in mind that not all left hands are created equally - it has been moulded to fit YOUR left hand, not A left hand - and that you could potentially wield it in your right hand (though the assumption is that you're not going to do so).

Possibly reword it to something along the lines of the following:

Tanned and conditioned to maximise both comfort and durability, the grip has been moulded so that it fits perfectly within the wielder's grasp.

Xaetherian

@Xae Tsol'aa do not possess pointy ears, or at least HELP TSOL'AA fails to mention it.

Delphinus

This came up to some degree in an old thread. Chris Bourassa also said of the Tsol'aa art on his deviantART, "This one was tricky for that reason - [an] elf without pointy ears", which suggests that "no pointy ears" was part of the outline given to him.

Xaetherian

He is a powerful troll. Standing at seven foot, this young trolls skin is of his
race's a tone of dark stone grey, his face is young and set with vigor, you can
see what was once a quite attractive, masculine face now lays behind a layer of
long jagged scars and rough cicatrices. His light grey eyes contrast deeply
against his dark skin. The red hair on top of his head has been shaved into a
clean  strip starting from his hairline and traveling all the way back, ending
right above his neck, his form is a sure reflection of both his age and race. A
thick, toned body and immense limbs sure signs of an active, very physical
lifestyle.

Had this written for me a while ago, seeing a few obvious problems, but not I'm not fixing it before I post as I want the constructive criticism.

Xaetherian

Gods, now that I read that, that is about the most cliche and average Achaean description I've ever seen.

Salinda

Delphinus said:

Amunet said:

She is a human; a voluptuous slip of a woman standing perhaps an inch or two above five feet[1]. Her pallid complexion seems awash with algid luminescence, ghostly and insubstantial against the comparative darkness of her surroundings[2]. Large, round eyes, framed sumptuously by ebon lashes, have been generously lined in black, causing their chocolate irises to smoulder against the high cheekbones upon which they rest. An eerie, sanguineous third eye crowns her brow, resting at the apex of her forehead, where it glances about independently, its movements laden with preternatural perception. Her pert, aristocratic nose sits regally at the centre of her heart-shaped face, complementing the full, rose-brushed lips that perch above her chin. Her long, lustrous, raven tresses have been coiled elegantly into a low chignon at the base of her skull. Twin haircombs of platinum and black pearl have been tucked into her locks, securing the mass of hair in place. A diamond-capped platinum bar pierces the flesh between each vertebra from the nape of her neck to the small of her back, tracing her spine in a decadent ladder that glistens wildly against the matte expanse of her snow-white flesh. Her impeccable posture serves to augment her imperious airs, and her movements are fluid, characterised by the chic nonchalance that is the boon of fashionable inebriation[3]. The Mark of the Twin, 'II', has been etched into her left forearm, the scars long-healed and pearlescent.

1. That semicolon conjugates oddly. If the second clause is dependent, consider commas instead. "She is a human, a voluptuous slip of a woman, standing perhaps an inch or two above five feet."
2. Are the character's surroundings always dark? If the "surroundings" refer to the description that follows, it can be stated outright: "ghostly and insubstantial against her otherwise dark features."
3. "Fashionable inebriation" bothers me; perhaps it assumes too much of the reader and the character. It could probably end on "characterised by a chic nonchalance" without losing anything.

@Amunet, I believe I have the solution to your problem(s).

1) She is a human: a voluptuous slip of a woman, standing perhaps an inch or two above five feet.

Note the COLON. I am 98% positive that you can use a regular colon, because the first part is an independent clause, and the second part may be interpreted as describing her 'humanly features'.)

2) Her pallid complexion seems awash with algid luminescence, ghostly and insubstantial against the comparative darkness of her surroundings.
What Delphinus said concerning this part of your description is irrelevant. It may be a pain in the butt, but you could always edit this part of Amunet's description whenever she decides to leave Fire and Spice. I'm not sure, and I don't remember if it is dark in there or not... but I shall assume it is. No offense to you, @Delphinus, but this part doesn't REALLY "have to go," especially if Amunet spends at least 95% of her time in "dark" surroundings. Admit it, it is just a pet-peeve of yours. But in all seriousness, it can be tweaked, if needed.

3) Her impeccable posture serves to augment her imperious airs, and her movements are fluid, characterised by the chic nonchalance that is the boon of fashionable inebriation.
 I agree with Delphinus that it "assumes too much of the character," but that can be fixed pretty easily. Since she spends most of her time drunk, perhaps you could replace "inebriation" with "intoxication."  I mean, come on! Inebriation and intoxication both start with "I" and end in "-tion," so that has to count for something. Plus, being intoxicated is something that is obvious about a person, especially if you are both in the same room, staring at each other. The reader isn't assuming too much about the character when you use "intoxication," because it is one of those words that speaks for itself, and doesn't need precise examination to identify. Inebriation, on the other hand, does. I know old habits die hard, but perhaps you should consider an alternative for inebriation? I'm certain you could make any other word(s) work, as long as the word(s) fit(s) the guidelines.

By the way... please, don't go all Grammar Nazi on my post. I am exhausted, and typing just plain monotonously... but, the parts that matter are correct. :P

OH ALSO... I realized something a few months ago after reading about Amunet in certain discussions. Are you familiar with a REAL deck of Tarot Cards? I believe that deep down, past all of the "snobbish" and "high-maintenance" parts of Amunet's personality, she is a loving and beloved Queen of Cups. Lol. Not to be confused with Shakti's title, Queen of Swords. Don't quote me on the "snob/high-maintenance" bit, either.

Zhisana

Xaetherian said:

Gods, now that I read that, that is about the most cliche and average Achaean description I've ever seen.

I agree, what's written is a little plain. Trolls are fun to describe if you're willing to be ugly. I always imagine them with small yellow eyes, protruding brow, sharp teeth, long arms, bulky shape, etc.

Coeur

And jus' for fun...

She is a winged atavian. Lithe and slender, her pale skin is slightly sun-kissed, complementing the modest colours of her dress. Windswept ebon curls cascade on either sides of her face, silvery strands gleaming amongst the tresses sweeping over each shoulder. Clear blue-green eyes grace an otherwise plain visage, mirrored by the iridiscent shimmer of glass-like feathers.

P.S. Not glass feathers. More of a pale white/greyish. Though no one looks anyway.

Argys

@Coeur

I looked.

Coeur

@Argys

Oh.

Ralira

She is a tiger-like rajamala. Her lithe form stands a little over five feet tall. The
short, black fur covering her body is broken only by the dull grey stripes that randomly
cross her. Red streaks run through the short, raggedly cut mop of black hair atop her head.
 A pair of blue, feline slitted eyes peer out from above a slim muzzle filled with
gleaming fangs. A long tail stretches from her slim rear, the black fur bearing wild
streaks of red near its tip.

Hit a block and can't quite figure out what's wrong with the description at the moment. She's an Alchemist and if I understand right red ink is something you can gather/make pretty much near the start, which is where the red streaks are from. Or red dye. Either way works.


@Coeur    I might be missing something but how do feathers shimmer? Or is it like on some beetle shells where the color depends on the angle or light hitting them?

Chryenth

@Ralira

She is a tiger-like rajamala. Her lithe form stands a little over five feet tall. The 

short, black fur covering her body is broken only by the dull grey stripes that randomly 

cross her. Red streaks run through the short, raggedly cut mop of black hair atop her head.

 A pair of blue, feline slitted eyes peer out from above a slim muzzle filled with 

gleaming fangs. A long tail stretches from her slim rear, the black fur bearing wild 

streaks of red near its tip.

 

1. '...that randomly cross her.'  Sounds a little clunky. Perhaps something like ' … that randomly cross over her arms and torso.' Or change 'cross' to something else.

2. 'feline slitted eyes' is redundant. Say vertically slitted eyes instead, maybe.

 

It could be a little longer, I guess. Red inks, by the way, are created by a skill in Inkmilling/Gathering. They're pretty common. If you want a suggestion on how to increase the length a little - the only description of her form is 'lithe'. You could expand that to a whole sentence.

 

Really, not a bad start at all.

Ralira

She is a tiger-like rajamala. Her lithe form stands a little over five feet tall. The short, black fur covering her body is broken by a series of dull grey stripes that randomly streak across her frame. Red streaks run through the short, raggedly cut mop of black hair atop her head. A pair of blue, vertically slitted eyes peer out from above a slim muzzle filled with gleaming fangs. The light swell of her bust and hips give her body a slim but feminine shape. A long tail stretches from her slim rear, the black fur bearing wild streaks of red near its tip.


@Chryenth
Changed the eyes to vertically and altered how the stripes ran across her body. Wasn't to sure what to put about her form though since the fur would blur exact definition. It does seem to read better though. Thanks.

Chryenth

You could finish that line with '... shape, hidden slightly by her fur.'

But yes, it reads much better now.

Hegua

Zhisana said:

I agree, what's written is a little plain. Trolls are fun to describe if you're willing to be ugly. I always imagine them with small yellow eyes, protruding brow, sharp teeth, long arms, bulky shape, etc.

I came up with the following to serve as a starting point some time ago. I intend to expand it and add more detail and flavor but I've been waiting for inspiration to strike.

He is a powerful troll with muscular limbs that jut lankily from his large frame. His hulking posture and wide, slouched shoulders serve to simultaneously cut short his towering height whilst emphasizing the bulkiness of his form. His bald head is rough in shape and texture, with slightly mottled grey skin stretched tightly over a squat face with a square jaw. Shadows cast by the thick shelf of his brow mute the brightness of his languid, golden eyes. A malshapen lump of flesh serves as his nose, which rests above a grimly set mouth with thin lips.

Kadras

He is a tiger-like rajamala who stands at about six foot and weighs about two hundred pounds. His
handsome features were sharp and well proportioned with a lean build with multiple scars all over
his back and front of his body. His fur is silver with white colored eyes with a little tint of blue
in them. He has a small normal looking snout and mouth.


please be gentle lol I suck at making descriptions I swear...

Chryenth

@Kadras

He is a tiger-like rajamala who stands at about six foot and weighs about two hundred pounds. His 

handsome features were sharp and well proportioned with a lean build with multiple scars all over 

his back and front of his body. His fur is silver with white colored eyes with a little tint of blue 

in them. He has a small normal looking snout and mouth.

 

1. Be careful with numbers in you description. One, you can get away with. Two feels pretty janky. Try something like '...stands at six foot tall and is heavily built.'
2. Are, not were. Hopefully they still are.
3. A lean build? The numbers you've stated earlier would lean towards a very heavy build, almost overweight.
4. Describe the fur a little more. Is it short? Long? Uniformly silver? *Not* uniform?
5. It would be easier to say 'very pale blue eyes.'

6. 'Normal looking' - how does normal look? Describe it - say a short snout, a long snout, just something. Normal for you might be truncated for me, ect.

 

 

 

Don't be disheartened by the number of things I've pointed out. You've got a reasonable start, there.

Zhoutai

Just wondering does anyone here write descriptions for in game gold etc?

Kadras

Chryenth


Thanks, I'll work on my description and make it better.

Zhisana

Zhoutai said:

Just wondering does anyone here write descriptions for in game gold etc?

@ZhoutaiYou can probably piggy back on this thread and see who will write one for you.

Chryenth

Or you could write something, and then post it here and we'll help you improve it. For free, no less.

Tvistor

Goddamned Chryenth, doing all the description writing jobs for free. Next thing you know honest men and women will be out of description writing jobs and the country will collapse.

This is the problem with the economy, ladies and gentlemen -- Chryenth.

Chryenth

I am the 1%.

ETA: If you want to pay me, I'm totally cool with that.

Coeur

@Ralira Yes.

Aktillum

He is a human with a lean, wiry muscle frame, like someone who might've climbed a lot of trees. His short, 

brown hair is tousled with cowlicks, and a light stubble runs across his chin. He is of medium stature, a 

little under 6" feet tall, and he appears naturally fidgety and unable to stand still for very long.

Chryenth

... do you want a critique? Or can I just leave it at a raised eyebrow and wry grin?