Descriptions Wanted 1.0

Chryenth

@Sigge

He is a tiger-like rajamala and is easily a head taller than most humans, covered in long, soft fur, that ruffles and ripples in the breeze, his snowy whiteness is dappled with rosettes of darker colour along his back and flanks, marked with a dark streak along his spine, and a  long, fluffy tail that twitches and curls with a mind of its own. 

 

1. First and foremost, this is one long sentence. It can get split up, a lot, which would help for comprehension.
2. You might want to be careful describing your height in terms of others - I'm not sure what the convention is now, but saying something like 'and stands at a considerable height.' might be better.

 

So, if you want something to work off:

 

He is a tiger-like rajamala and stands at a considerable height.  He is covered in long snow-white fur that moves in the slightest breeze.  Rosettes of darker fur dapple his back and flanks, and a long streak of jet-black fur covers his spine.  His tail curls and uncurls restlessly, brushing against the back of his legs.

 

You can add things about facial details, musculature, ect, as you see fit. Hope that helps.

Eld

@Sigge That should be at least two sentences, if not three. End the first sentence after "breeze", and make "his" the beginning of the next. I would probably split the description of the tail off into a third, as well. Comma after "fur" in the first sentence is unecessary. Would probably change the comma between "dappled with rosettes of colour along his back and flanks" and "marked with a dark streak" to an "and".

Saying his fur ruffles and ripples in the breeze only really makes sense if there's always a breeze everywhere he goes.

A little more detail might be nice.

Eilona

@Sigge - Between 'breeze' and 'his snowy whiteness' you need a full stop, not a comma. Also, there's not always going to be a breeze.

Lyr

He is a human. His shaggy blonde hair hides some of his creamy, unblemished skin, and his shimmering 

green eyes seem to reveal an inner flame of devotion. The rather soft features of his face are 

starkly contrasted with his fairly muscular physique. Standing at six feet two inches, he would be 

quite intimidating if it were not for his friendly countenance and common smiles. His hands are worn 

far more than what you would expect for a man of the cloth, and you notice quite a few calluses on 

his left hand. He has a confidently faithful air about him, but you can detect no condescension.

Chryenth

@Lyr

He is a human. His shaggy blonde hair hides some of his creamy, unblemished skin, and his shimmering green eyes seem to reveal an inner flame of devotion. The rather soft features of his face are starkly contrasted with his fairly muscular physique. Standing at six feet two inches, he would be quite intimidating if it were not for his friendly countenance and common smiles. His hands are worn far more than what you would expect for a man of the cloth, and you notice quite a few calluses on his left hand. He has a confidently faithful air about him, but you can detect no condescension.

 

1. '...an inner flame of devotion.' Now, to me, that sounds like your eyes are on fire.
2. '...would be quite intimidating…' If we stood you next to, say, Penwize, who if I recall correctly is pretty short, then you're definitely less intimidating. Consider that physical height is much less relevant in Achaea than in real life, in terms of how you might view someone on the Will-He-Kick-My-Arse-O-Meter.

3. '… friendly countenance and common smiles.' Be wary of describing an action in a static description - those 'common smiles' would not be evident to someone who's just met you in the middle of a raid, for example.

4. '… you can detect no condescension.' What if my character has a persecution complex? He might detect it where it doesn't exist. Try and avoid telling people what they feel, and focus on what they see. I've fallen into that trap so many times it's not funny.

 

This is actually a very well-written description, it just has a few flaws. Perhaps instead of flames in the eyes, use a simile such as '...green eyes like two [very green things].' Steer clear of gemstones to avoid a cliché.

 

I don't really have time to write more. I'll edit/post again if I think of anything pertinent.

Billie

How is this for a simple troll.

He is a troll that looks to be at least eight feet tall, he has a very hulking stature. His strong face features a bald head, a pair of sharp yellow eyes and a flat wide nose with a well trimmed mustache and beard surrounding his mouth.His skin is a dull grey.

Orklanishkal

@Billie Just to amend your writing a bit, I'd make it:

He is a troll and looks to be about eight feet tall. His chiseled face is capped by a bald scalp, and ornamented by a pair of sharp yellow eyes, a flattened nose, and a well-trimmed moustache. His skin is a dull-grey, stretched thin over his hulking frame.

Delphinus

Billie said:

How is this for a simple troll.

He is a troll that looks to be at least eight feet tall, he has a very hulking stature. His strong face features a bald head, a pair of sharp yellow eyes and a flat wide nose with a well trimmed mustache and beard surrounding his mouth.His skin is a dull grey.

You know, I'm reading "Billie," "eight feet tall," "hulking stature," "skin is a dull grey," and all I'm seeing is

Billie

@Delphinus That clip made me laugh so hard. Billie is my IRL father's name.

Orklanishkal Thanks

Maethros

Definitely need some help with this.  I'm garbage with descriptions to begin with, and coupled with the realization that I have to describe myself as a friggin' tiger, my natural inclination right now is to sob into my keyboard and write: "He is a tiger-like Rajamala.  He has fur and a face."  Alas, here's the real one:

"He is a tiger-like rajamala. Jet black fur covers him, occasionally haphazardly broken by stripes of brilliant white. His tail often seems to move of its own volition, twitching and swaying in a private rhythm without heed to its owner's wishes. The fur around his mouth has been shaped into a rough approximation of a goatee, but no such care was taken with the fur on his head: if ever it was fashioned in a particular style, that time has long passed. His eyes are a deep amber and, when Maethros isn't engaged in conversation, they often dart around the location, wary of trouble. He stands roughly at a few inches past six feet, with the muscled build of his race; his controlled movements suggest an alert, if untrained, presence."  You realize, suddenly, that you've never encountered a more handsome rajamala in your long life.*

*I'm 100% kidding with that last sentence, which is NOT in my actual description. I'd love feedback on everything else, though, especially if there's anything lame or...special snowflakey about it.  Thanks, in advance!

Chryenth

@Maethros

"He is a tiger-like rajamala. Jet black fur covers him, occasionally haphazardly (1) broken by stripes of brilliant white. His tail often seems to move of its own volition, twitching and swaying in a private rhythm (2) without heed to its owner's wishes. The fur around his mouth has been shaped into a rough approximation of a goatee, but no such care was taken with the fur on his head: if ever it was fashioned in a particular style, that time has long passed. His eyes are a deep amber and, (3) when Maethros isn't engaged in conversation, they often dart around the location, wary of trouble. He stands roughly at a few inches past six feet, with the muscled build of his race; (4) his controlled movements suggest an alert, if untrained, presence."

 

1. 'Occasionally AND haphazardly' reads better.
2. Watch the twitching tail - there might be times when it doesn't twitch involuntarily.

3. '… and, when Maethros isn't engaged in conversation, they often dart around the location, wary of trouble.' Again, be careful. Some situation will arise wherein you won't be conversing or glancing around.  Also, you make it sound as if your eyes are literally leaving your face and running around, looking for trouble.

4. Again, controlled movements - if someone backstabs you and you flail wildly, your description becomes a little jaunted.

 

 

Otherwise, this is a perfectly fine description. Don't do yourself a disservice in saying otherwise.

 

Maethros

@Chryenth Excellent tips, thank you!  I'll be tweaking my description to account for those "you're not ALWAYS going to be smiling" moments.  I thought I might be able to get around that with the "often" and "sometimes," but you're right: it's hard to account for EVERY situation, and that'll look stupid if I'm in the middle of some big, dangerous event.

And, ha!  I can't get that image out of my head of my eyes gallivanting about the continent. Now you've pointed it out, I can't believe that didn't hit me when I wrote it.

Chryenth

So I was bored in Thermodynamics today, and I wrote things. I'd just reread one of Jurixe's stories, and I was thinking about Naga.

A dark dagger.

A dark dagger has been abandoned here.

Stained with the blood of a dozen different races, this dagger has long since lost it's fresh-forged shine. Pits in the metal indicate the past presence of highly corrosive venoms. the edge in particular is dull red and green where the steel has reacted with voyria and curare. the long handle is bound by thick, supple leather. the distinct wearing caused by a firm grip is evident near the hilt.

A carved wooden pipe.

An extinguished wooden pipe lies here.

Made of a dark hardwood, this pipe is stained black with smoke.Emblazoned on the bowl is a simple design of three downward-pointing daggers, equally spaced with cross-guards touching. between them are a pair of upraised teeth. The stem is is shorter than Rurin's handcrafted examples, and the end is heavily chewed.

(Inspired by my friend's wristwear)

A bracelet of spikes.

A bracelet of linked spikes lies here, crusted in blood.

Metal links forged into snake heads form the body of this bracelet. Steel teeth reach out from the bracelet's curve, and smaller spikes on the reverse seem to drip blood constantly. The steel looks corroded somehow, giving it an oddly dull look.

In my defense, my friend was writing plot notes, three people were playing on their phones, one was drawing pictures and one appeared to be passed out.

Selira

Sure, I'll dust this off. Still the same one as when I left, and I'm open to any commentary on it.

She is a beautiful siren and stands at just under five feet, with a matching small frame, though she seems a healthy weight for her size. Lean muscle shows where her skin is exposed, evidence of a life of intense exercise, though not demanding of strength. Her head has been shaven completely smooth. Dark henna tattoos of alchemical symbols are drawn in a circle on her scalp, with the signs of the three primes on her forehead and those of the six metals arcing around the crown. Diamond dust is sprinkled over her scalp as well, catching any light with even the smallest movements. Just off the corner of her left eye, a peridot in an ivory setting sparkles in the light, giving a vague impression of a second pupil which matches even in colour. The thumbnail of her right hand remains long, and the rest of her fingernails have been cut close to the quick.

The gem is a bloodline thing going back to Cree, so it's staying, though I'm open to rewording.

Chryenth

@Selira

She is a beautiful siren and stands at just under five feet, with a matching small frame, though she seems a healthy weight for her size. Lean muscle shows where her skin is exposed, evidence of a life of intense exercise, though not demanding of strength. Her head has been shaven completely smooth. Dark henna tattoos of alchemical symbols are drawn in a circle on her scalp, with the signs of the three primes on her forehead and those of the six metals arcing around the crown. Diamond dust is sprinkled over her scalp as well, catching any light with even the smallest movements. Just off the corner of her left eye, a peridot in an ivory setting sparkles in the light, giving a vague impression of a second pupil which matches even in colour. The thumbnail of her right hand remains long, and the rest of her fingernails have been cut close to the quick.

 

1. '...five feet with a small frame to match…' I think sounds a little smoother. Gets rid of a superfluous comma.

2. 'Intense' might not be the qualifier you're looking for in the second sentence. Perhaps 'regular'? Or 'near-constant'?
3. '… Just off the corner of her left eye, a peridot in an ivory setting… ' Umm. Do you actually have a gemstone stuck in your eye, or am I horribly misreading that? You said you were keeping it, and that's fine. I just want to know what exactly it is.

 

 

Few small things, otherwise very well written.

@Daeir

She is a winged atavian, standing lightly at five feet and four inches tall. Her long lengths of arrow straight hair are tied into a sizable bun at the back of her head, with an elaborate crows-wing style tuft falling free down her back. Half-hidden behind her fringe is a sharp featured yet soft looking face with skin of a pale milk-white hue, with her piercing emerald green eyes that seem to radiate with a peculiar chromatic light which glints across the edge of your vision. Delicate midnight-black wings gently rise from her slender form, with feathers that progress in a gentle gradient to a pristine, almost nacreous white. She moves with a deceptive swiftness, her lithe form and modest chest lightly accentuated with the vitality that comes from a lifetime of exploration. A small tattoo of a stylised ebon flame lies across her collarbone, peeking out from amongst her clothing.

 

1. '… standing lightly…' I'm not sure how one stands lightly, but maybe that's the physicist in me. Something like '… standing at a graceful, if diminutive height.' Which takes out the exact numbers, too.

2. 'arrow-straight' needs a hyphen, and does 'sharp-featured'

3. Glowing eyes, is it? Why is that?

4. You describe midnight black wings comprised of white feathers. One or the other can't be right, if the other is true.

5. Be careful describing movement. If your character is stood still, people won't see her move. Obviously.

6. As to the tattoo, a simple rewording might cut down on people asking about it. Typically, in organisational tattoo that I've seen, the form is 'A tattoo of …' If you say, 'Picked out in darkest ebony ink, a stylised flame is tattooed onto her collarbone. The tip peaks out from under her clothing.' then the form will be different enough that people mightn't make the connection so easily. Just a thought.

Am I allowed to hate the comment editor, now? >:(

Chryenth

I mentioned point 3 because so many people are automatically given 'special snowflake' status by adding glowing eyes. I'm sure Amunet has a hundred horror stories about Occultist novices with red/purple/green eyes, ect ect. Point 4 still seems weird - describing the wings as midnight back makes me think of one homogeneous color rather than a gradient. Maybe 'Her graded grey wings...'?

Xith

Xith's original desc was pretty decent, but I haven't seen it in a long time, cause as a novice, someone called Xith ugly, so he promptly had his name changed from Xith, the Generous, to Xith, the Ugly and his description became "He is a mhun. He is ugly."

But I changed that back to a rough placeholder and didn't get around to reworking it until earlier this week. Resulting in this:

He is a mhun. Narrow, golden eyes shimmer pleasantly from under the dark hair that falls over them. His acrobatic figure is lightly muscled, built for agility and flexibility. His skin is tanned from exposure to the outdoors, and his cheeks are dimpled from a life of excess grinning. His stance is well-balanced, yet casual.

I dislike long descriptions throughout Achaea. Rooms/people/items. People think they're being fancy but just add extra clauses and big words, resulting in a decent percentage of people skimming over it or not understanding what they look like without referring to a thesaurus. Have to explain as little as possible and allow people to fill in the details with their imagination, where possible.

Chryenth

@Xith

He is a mhun. Narrow, golden eyes shimmer pleasantly from under the dark hair that falls over them. His acrobatic figure is lightly muscled, built for agility and flexibility. His skin is tanned from exposure to the outdoors, and his cheeks are dimpled from a life of excess grinning. His stance is well-balanced, yet casual.

 

1. There may be situation wherein you're being unpleasant to someone, so having shimmering pleasant eyes would be inappropriate. Equally, you may adopt a formal stance at times.

 

Not much else to say, really. I personally tend to be rather verbose, but I certainly agree that long and florid descriptions can sometimes be irritating. Brevity is wit, but the Gods are in the detail. There's certainly a balance to be struck.

Katzchen

Never tried writing a description for a mount/creature before, but it's about time Katz's ironically pure pegasus had a makeover, so any critique would be appreciated... not really a huge fan of the flesh sloughing thing, (what girl is?) so going for a Nightmare style, black pegasus with flames. Took what I can from the origional alabastor pegasus description, adjusted for colour, since I like those parts anyway.

The pegasus is possessed of an ethereal, haunting beauty. His perfect form is covered with a sleek ebon coat, while his mane, tail, and hooves are ablaze, an inferno of dancing orange and gold flames. His wings, comprised of velvety, black feathers, rest flush against his body when at rest and spread to an impressive span when in flight. Fire flickers from his nostrils as his hot breath spills out, the effect is mirrored in his spirited eyes, alight with vigour.

Don't like the bolded bit at all, sounds off, but I can't think of a better way to word it right now.

An ebon pegasus with a fiery mane soars out/in to/from the $dir.?
A fiery pegasus soars out/in to/from the $dir.?

An ebon pegasus tosses his head arrogantly, surrounded by a halo of fire.?
An ebon pegasus with a fiery mane snorts arrogantly, flames spouting from his nostrils.?

Its flames extinquished along with its life, blood pools around the darkened form of a pegasus.

Chryenth

@Katzchen

The pegasus is possessed of an ethereal, haunting beauty. His perfect form is covered with a sleek ebon coat, while his mane, tail, and hooves are ablaze, an inferno of dancing orange and gold flames. His wings, comprised of velvety, black feathers, rest flush against his body when at rest and spread to an impressive span when in flight. Fire flickers from his nostrils as his hot breath spills out, the effect is mirrored in his spirited eyes, alight with vigour.

 

1. 'This' not 'The'. Since more than one pegasus exists.

2. Perhaps 'His perfect musculature…' rather than 'perfect form'. Just seems more accurate to me.

3. If he's on fire, he's going to die a lot. Add in a reference to the flames not actually burning him, like '… and inferno of orange and golden flames that inexplicably fail to harm their host.'
4. Are his wings unusually folded to stay away from the fire?
5. '...hot breath spills out. The effect is mirrored in his spirited eyes.' Needs a stop there.
6. 'Alight with vigour.' I agree, that sounds off. I can't think of anything better either.

 

An ebon pegasus with a fiery mane soars out/in to/from the $dir.?

A flame-wreathed ebon pegasus soars out/in to/from the $dir.?

 

An ebon pegasus tosses his head arrogantly, a temporary halo of fire surrounding him?

 

An ebon pegasus with a fiery mane snorts arrogantly, flames spouting from his nostrils.?

 

Its flames extinguished along with its life, blood pools around the darkened form of an ebon pegasus.

 

 

Just my thoughts, there. Looks good!

Xith

My gratuitously customised arties:

a squeaky rubber shield
Quite comical looking, this round, hollow shield is composed of bright red rubber. The material is hard, yet yields easily to blows to ensure that it always bends, rather than breaks. Upon the surface is painted a rudimentary smiley face encircled by Aldar runes of the same startlingly bright yellow, the characters more bubbly and lazy than would normally be seen. Completing the non-threatening appearance of the toy-like shield are two braided white ropes, the knotted ends secured to the concave side of the shield. The parallel lengths are perfectly distanced to allow one to be gripped while the other binds the shield to the forearm. Discreetly positioned on the curved edge of the shield are two small holes, allowing the shield to expel air when compressed, creating an obnoxious, high pitched squeak at the slightest provocation.

a marotte-style blackjack resembling Xith
This unusual blackjack consists of a long, polished handle of porcelain-white elder wood, which has been tailored to its owner's grip. Affixed to the end of the thin club is a lead-weighted head, its vacant visage carved flawlessly to resemble a grinning Xith. Spinning in the skull's sockets are lifelike marble eyes, their misaligned pupils lazily tracing the movements of those nearby in an unsettling manner. A portrait of its prankster's vanity, this jester marotte has been made to look exactly like Xith, even sporting miniaturised versions of his current attire. Grouped inside the head are magnetic spheres that cause a bizarre metallic buzzing whenever they are jostled by the weapon's collisions.

a jingling jester bow
Meticulously hand decorated, this black wood bow is adorned with small, spiraling trails of overlapping silver tarot cards that wind around the weapon. Affixed to both ends of the bow are sinister skull ornaments, both sporting carved jester hats that bear noisy, jingling silver bells. Strung across the dark wood is a metallic bowstring, which produces a diabolical "boing" when plucked. A well-placed grip below the arrow rest is adorned with a fierce red-yellow eye, staring vertically at the weapon's target and giving it a macabre punctuation.

What I do need are jesterly custom tarot deck ideas.

Katzchen

.Yeah, I was thinking of adding in something about the fire not burning him, but I couldn't word it right, and it seems rather obvious, or implied.

Your other first few points are all from the origional pegasus description, not my edits, haha. 'This' definitely fits better, wings also from the origional, I do not really want to go near describing the wings, sounds like a disaster in the making

Jurixe

Chryenth said:

So I was bored in Thermodynamics today, and I wrote things. I'd just reread one of Jurixe's stories, and I was thinking about Naga.

Brainwashing is nearly complete. A few more stories and all you'll be able to think about are Naga!

@Katzchen: If you get a chance, try and see if you can catch one of those daemonic stallions. They look pretty much exactly how you're describing your ideal nightmare, except with manes and tails of blue (and in one case green, no prizes for guessing whose) flame instead.

Chryenth

@Katzchen - You don't need to describe the wings, as such. Say something like 'rest flush against his body, bent upwards to avoid the worst of the flames when at rest...' As to the rest, fair enough.

@Jurixe I think about the Naga more than the Warlocks already. More stories would be great, though! *hint*

Draekkar

Peak said:

He is a mhun. He stands at an unremarkable 6 feet tall. His black hair is long and unkempt, pulled carelessly behind his head for the sole purpose of keeping it out of his face. His face is tan and leathery only brightened by emerald-green eyes. Thick, black stubble frames a shy smile that always decorates his face. He has unnaturally broad shoulders that support disproportionately large arms with all the hair singed off. His hands are very strong and rough, marred by an abundance of burns and faded scars. A barrel-shaped chest and solid core mount his plain, yet sturdy legs.

This is me. Any good barbers?

Also, one should not use numbers in their description. I see this a lot and it really looks tacky, spell out six feet tall if you must.

Draekkar

Faolin said:

I imagine that I could use some sprucing, if anyone wants to critique - 

She is a tiger-like rajamala and is bewitching, fastidious creature with a lissome form and warm lamplight eyes. Her sleek pelt is marked with the bands and stripes of a jungle hunter, sable upon titian and it gives her expression a primal fierceness. Creamy white fur covers her vulnerable belly, her stripes truncating where the unrelieved white begins. Between her breasts is a thick ruff of fur which thins out as it travels up and over her throat. Her ebon hair falls in a heavy mass of dread-locks down her back, decorated and braided with wooden and bone beads. When she moves her head the ornaments rattle together in a hollow cacophony.

At the very least, first line 'bewitching', not everyone will feel this way when looking at you, so remove that, 'is a fastidious creature' would do just fine. Very last line should be removed, as you will not always be moving and making noise like that. Perhaps make something as a random emote if you want that ambiance.

Draekkar

He is a winged atavian and is poised, his bearing that of a refined gentleman. He stands just over six feet tall, his figure
both slender and well-toned. His skin is smooth and lustrous as new ivory, free from scars or imperfections of age. His cool
grey eyes shimmer brightly, their hue occasionally shifting with the elemental powers of his heritage. An angular face is
framed by glossy raven coloured hair, that falls down over his shoulders and stops just below his waist. Massive shadowy
wings arch proudly from his shoulder blades, folding behind him as they nearly reach his ankles. Tiny beads of semi-precious
gemstones adorn the ebony plumes, each one glittering like stars against a velvet sky. Encircling his wrists and throat are
images of thorn-covered vines, the deep violet ink of the tattoos shimmering with a pale luminescence.

So here is mine, I would love to hear any corrections, concerns, or any way I might improve it. Thanks!

Katzchen

@Jurixe sounds interesting! Where would I find these daemonic stallions?

Chryenth

@Draekkar

He is a winged atavian and is poised, his bearing that of a refined gentleman. He stands just over six feet tall, his figure 

both slender and well-toned. His skin is smooth and lustrous as new ivory, free from scars or imperfections of age. His cool 

grey eyes shimmer brightly, their hue occasionally shifting with the elemental powers of his heritage. An angular face is 

framed by glossy raven coloured hair, that falls down over his shoulders and stops just below his waist. Massive shadowy 

wings arch proudly from his shoulder blades, folding behind him as they nearly reach his ankles. Tiny beads of semi-precious 

gemstones adorn the ebony plumes, each one glittering like stars against a velvet sky. Encircling his wrists and throat are 

images of thorn-covered vines, the deep violet ink of the tattoos shimmering with a pale luminescence.

 

 

1. You won't always be poised. It's a state that generally occurs before something - movement, striking, what have you - so right now you're in a state of never being able to do anything for being prepared to do it.
2. As I mentioned several posts ago, be wary of multi-coloured eyes being ascribed Special Snowflake Syndrome.

 

 

Not much else to say, really. It's pretty good!

Nakari

I've never quite been sure about why there is such a taboo on talking about the default posture for one's character and the like. I mean, I get why actual actions in descriptions are bad, but general posture notes and the like seem pretty legit to me.

I get that sometimes a character will, of courses, not be doing that, but description can't always be accurate. After all, if your character is, say, out of breath or something, it's face might well be red, or at least redder. This may not be represented in the description, however. Or if your character has just slogged through a swamp, it will probably change his appearance. The point is, appearance are always going to represent default appearance for your character, which is consistent with what most denizen descriptions are also like.