Descriptions Wanted 1.0

Aktillum

I want you to re-write it for me except maintain the athletic Shaggy flavor.

Chryenth

He is a human with a lean, wiry frame. His skin is tanned and his musculature betrays an active outdoor lifestyle. The brown hair that reaches down past his ears is well-tousled, failing to hide a whorl in the hairstyle. His ill-defined jawline is covered in a light stubble that does nothing to hide the merest beginning of a second chin. He stands reasonably tall, though a permanent slouch caused by persistent poor posture has robbed inches from his height. A nervous tick appears to prevent him from standing still for any length of time.

Chryenth said:

If you want to pay me, I'm totally cool with that.

Nellaundra

Alright, trying to customize my fullplate.  Anyone mind helping me out/critiquing?  It's meant to be somewhat like her old armor.  A bit more mobile than normal fullplate.

HELD: A trim suit of fullplate

DROPPED: ???

LOOKED: As much a work of art as a piece of armour, this impressive suit of fullplate is a stunning example of skill. Forged from the highest quality materials, it has been carefully designed to fit as close to the body as possible. Made up of various sized interlocking plates, the armour reflects a silver light from its polished surface. The broad chest plate bares no ornamentation, nor do any of the connecting plates, save one on the left shoulder which holds a shining emerald close to the neck. Lacking the gauntlets normally associated with armour, the hands have been left bare. On the legs, the greaves have been created higher than normal, the tops fitting smoothly over the knee to partially cover the thighs.

Chryenth

HELD: A trim suit of fullplate

 

DROPPED:  An austere suit of fullplate rests here.

 

LOOKED: As much a work of art as a piece of armour, this impressive suit of fullplate is a stunning example of skill. Forged from the highest quality steel, it has been carefully designed to fit as close to the body as possible. Made up of variously sized interlocking plates, the armour reflects a silver light from it's polished surface. The broad chestplate bares no ornamentation, a theme that continues over the armour's entire visible surface save for one plate on the left shoulder which holds a shining emerald close to the neck. Lacking the gauntlets normally associated with armour, the hands have been left bare. On the legs, the greaves have been created higher than normal, the tops fitting smoothly over the knee to partially cover the thighs. The joints, especially the hips, have been remodelled to give extra flexibility.

I'm not good at armour, and it was pretty good to start with.

Adet

Chryenth said:

HELD: A trim suit of fullplate

 

DROPPED:  An austere suit of fullplate rests here.

 

LOOKED: As much a work of art as a piece of armour, this impressive suit of fullplate is a stunning example of skill. Forged from the highest quality steel, it has been carefully designed to fit as close to the body as possible. Made up of variously sized interlocking plates of a number of sizes, the armour reflects a silver light from  it's its polished surface. The broad chestplate bares bears no ornamentation, a theme that continues over the armour's entire visible surface of the armour, save for one plate on the left shoulder which holds a shining emerald close to the neck. Lacking the gauntlets normally associated with armour, the hands have been left bare. On the legs, the greaves have been created extended higher than normal, the tops fitting smoothly over the knee to partially cover the thighs. The joints, especially the hips, have been remodelled to give extra flexibility.

A couple of changes in teal: 

• Variously sized seems awkward, as did various sized: in either case, it feels like it should be hyphenated, and the meaning is slightly different.
• It's and bares are SPAG
• Armour's entire visible surface, I changed largely because apostrophes in descriptions look really odd to me.
• Created higher than normal reads oddly - I chose extended, but affixed would also work, depending on the precise meaning you're looking for.

Chryenth

I missed bares, and I've always had a blind spot with it's/its. I blame mild dyslexia and staying up until 2am.

Rest of it is also valid.

Ada

Ada's current description:

She is a beautiful siren. A short curtain of reddish-brown hair falls to her shoulders with a few wispy strands of stray hair partially obscuring her face. Her angular face is smooth and tapers neatly to a gentle chin. A pair of large, sea-green eyes complemented by a small upturned nose and full sensual lips adorn her visage. She has a tall stature just shy of six feet accentuating her lissome, curvaceous profile.

I know something is missing in this.. I just can't put a finger on it! 

Phaestus

@Ada: your beard.

Chryenth

@Ada

The last sentence should probably read 'She has a tall stature, standing just shy of six feet. Her height accentuates her lissome, curvaceous profile.'

You could add more description of things that aren't her face, I suppose.

Ada

Phaestus said:

@Ada: your beard.

I you, you know.

She is a stout dwarf with an impressive barrel figure. Her soft auburn hair is neatly braided into a pair of pigtails with a few bangs hanging over her forehead. Her large sea-green eyes seem to twinkle with innate mirth, set on a round face wearing a carefree expression. A lush beard adorns her face, the braids decorated with coloured beads and assorted trinkets. Like most of her cousins, she has a stocky build with small rounded arms and thick chubby feet. Her creamy-white skin stretches across her plump form radiating a healthy glow from all the time spent in the wilderness. She appears rather heavy in weight and stands at a diminutive stature of only a few inches above three feet.

I guess I wasn't as inspired for siren description O_o Thanks for the feedback, @Chryenth!

Shunsui

I miss bearded Ada

Delphinus

Salinda said:

1) She is a human: a voluptuous slip of a woman, standing perhaps an inch or two above five feet.

Note the COLON. I am 98% positive that you can use a regular colon, because the first part is an independent clause, and the second part may be interpreted as describing her 'humanly features'.)

No, colons don't really work for parenthetical phrases. And anyway, who cares if you can use it? This thread's just as much about making passable descriptions optimal.

Salinda

Delphinus said:

Salinda said:

1) She is a human: a voluptuous slip of a woman, standing perhaps an inch or two above five feet.

Note the COLON. I am 98% positive that you can use a regular colon, because the first part is an independent clause, and the second part may be interpreted as describing her 'humanly features'.)

No, colons don't really work for parenthetical phrases. And anyway, who cares if you can use it? This thread's just as much about making passable descriptions optimal.

Haha, I know what this thread is about. I was giving another possible way of phrasing that part of her description.

Zhisana

I could use some help. Would like to know what can be worded better and what I may have left out. Have I left out something you expected to see/hear/smell when encountering this animal?

APPEARANCE
an aging black rhino

DROPPED
You trace the distinct smell of dry mud to an aging black rhino here.

EXAMINED
Patches of dried mud coat the loose skin of this old beast. His massive bulk bears down visibly on his weakened limbs. Cataracts make the animal's small eyes cloudy and gray. His ears twitch instinctively toward any sound nearby. His horns, once great in size, are worn and cracked.

ENTRY
An aging black rhino stomps in from the $DIR

LEAVE
An aging black rhino snorts and stomps out to the $DIR

DEATH
The corpse of an aging black rhino lies here, bleeding from a fleshy, gaping wound where his horn once was.

Chryenth

@Zhisana

1) How many horns does it have? If just the one, there's a typo in the EXAMINED. 

2) The manner of death does not necessitate the removal of his horn, unless it's his Achilles Heel or something. Something like 'bleeding from multiple gaping wounds.' would work better.

3) The second Ex sentence could be expanded upon, to give us a little more information about him.

Zhisana

Chryenth said:

@Zhisana

1) How many horns does it have? If just the one, there's a typo in the EXAMINED. 

2) The manner of death does not necessitate the removal of his horn, unless it's his Achilles Heel or something. Something like 'bleeding from multiple gaping wounds.' would work better.

3) The second Ex sentence could be expanded upon, to give us a little more information about him.

1. Oops, corrected

2. You're right, @Shadizar brought that up to me too. I just liked it because Zhisana wears some rhino-skin and ivory things

3. Gonna draw from his old desc for inspiration, ty @Chryenth

Trevize

He is a lizard-like xoran and is arrayed in fine, diamond-shaped indigo scales that shift with each motion of his sinuous form. Well-muscled, lithe limbs move with effortless grace, while each wickedly-curved, ivory claw shimmers with a metallic aspect. Gem-like irises the colour of black star-sapphires glimmer opaquely within his wedge-shaped face, flickering like dancing silver flames. Jagged ridges of pale white bone emerge from above each of his well-defined temples before sweeping in two parallel lines over his smooth skull. Descending on either side of his spine to merge just above his narrow waist, the protrusions combine to form a single crest that extends to the tip of his oscillating tail.

Shortened version of a description the last Ourania wrote for Trevize.

Chryenth

1) I'm not sure 'arrayed' is quite the right word there, but I can't think of a better one.

2) What color are his eyes? Black or silver? Because one of those colors doesn't need to be there.

Otherwise, daym I like.

Manix

He is a powerful troll, a veritable tower of muscle and power at just over nine feet in height. His 

body is ravaged by pale, white scars, the most prominent one stretching from his right eye and 

terminating at his lip. The sightless lump of matter remaining in his damaged eye is coloured a 

clouded, milky grey. His upper lip is dulled and perpetually curled where it melds with the scar, 

exposing slightly yellowed teeth. His functional eye surveys the world with a striking golden iris 

gazing out from under dark eyebrows. His hair is messy and dark, with a fringe that barely touches 

the tip of his left eyebrow.

Any help would be great

Trevize

Chryenth said:

1) I'm not sure 'arrayed' is quite the right word there, but I can't think of a better one.

2) What color are his eyes? Black or silver? Because one of those colors doesn't need to be there.

Otherwise, daym I like.

1) I ran into the same problem trying to condense/improve it. Didn't want to touch it when the old Ourania was around, since she made it for him.
2) Both. Google images 'star sapphire gem'. It's a blue/black gem with a white/silver star shape in the center. In this case, due to the symbology in his Order, it's a black gem with a silver star.

edit: here: http://www.gemselect.com/other-info/graphics/star-sapphire-large_info.jpg

Trevize

Manix said:

He is a powerful troll, a veritable tower of muscle and power at just over nine feet in height. His 

body is ravaged by pale, white scars, the most prominent one stretching from his right eye and 

terminating at his lip. The sightless lump of matter remaining in his damaged eye is coloured a 

clouded, milky grey. His upper lip is dulled and perpetually curled where it melds with the scar, 

exposing slightly yellowed teeth. His functional eye surveys the world with a striking golden iris 

gazing out from under dark eyebrows. His hair is messy and dark, with a fringe that barely touches 

the tip of his left eyebrow.

Any help would be great

Don't tell me he's a 'veritable tower of muscle and power.' Show me.

Don't tell me his damaged eye is sightless, make it obvious.

His good eye looks out from under eyebrows? How many does he have there?

Basic rule of a good description: show, don't tell.

Iocun

Trevize said:

Don't tell me he's a 'veritable tower of muscle and power.' Show me.

Coming on to him?

Chryenth

The only word I can think of is 'bedecked' but that doesn't fit any better. Eh.

And Re: star-sapphires - ok, then. Looks cool, I suppose.

@Manix:

Apart from the very last sentence, I like very much. Maybe something like '... fringe that barely brushes his left eyebrow.' 

That notwithstanding: I like.

Manix

Updated description: 

He is a powerful troll, a tower of muscle at just over nine feet in height. His body is ravaged by 

pale, white scars, the most prominent one stretching from his right eye and terminating at his lip. 

The lump of matter remaining in his damaged eye is coloured a clouded, milky grey. His upper lip is 

dulled and perpetually curled where it melds with the scar, exposing slightly yellowed teeth. His 

functional eye surveys the world with a striking golden iris gazing out from under a pair of dark 

eyebrows. His hair is messy and dark, with a fringe that barely brushes his left eyebrow.

It describes Manix fairly well, but I don't like how the whole thing flows. Every sentence starts with 'His' and the sentences are quite short, but I'm not sure how to improve upon that. It does its job, though.

Trevize

Iocun said:

Trevize said:

Don't tell me he's a 'veritable tower of muscle and power.' Show me.

Coming on to him?

Hmm. I sense jealousy! I'm just not certain who it's directed towards. More investigation is required.

Chryenth

Pick three sentences and rearrange the words until they don't start with his.

The only fair resolution is Iocun's description. We'll have a word-off. (Read: argument)

Delphinus

"Show, don't tell" is probably one of the more overstated rules out there. While it's a handy guideline in some situations, it can lead to some really uneconomical writing. Sometimes, it's better to just say it outright if it keeps the prosody strong, or if the language lends itself to a good metaphor.

Iocun

Chryenth said:

Pick three sentences and rearrange the words until they don't start with his.

The only fair resolution is Iocun's description. We'll have a word-off. (Read: argument)

My description? What does that have to do with stuff? I'm confused!

Chryenth

I have no idea, I just wanted to contribute to the argument.

Plus I want to see your description.

Iocun

Chryenth said:

I have no idea, I just wanted to contribute to the argument.

Plus I want to see your description.

Sure.

You glance over yourself:

He is a mhun of average size. Possessing the lean and unimposing build typical for his race, he is not particularly broad-shouldered, yet obviously in good shape. His unclad arms, long and toned, expose the same deeply tanned and weather-beaten skin as the rest of his body. They end in large, rough hands, which are as calloused as his bare feet. Black hair, trimmed to a rough stubble, covers his lower face and the top of his head, framing sharp features: dark, slightly slanted eyes, a straight nose, and a broad, thin-lipped mouth.

He is wearing:

 modest grey robes,

 loose-fitting commoner's trousers,

 a canvas pouch,

 a small leather waterskin,

 a finely tooled archery bracer,

 a simple ivory lily, and

 a Mojushaine ring of the Striking Fist