Descriptions Wanted 1.0

Eurynomos

Chryenth said:

I should point out that whilst shorter descriptions are generally nicer to read, there's nothing wrong with going up to maybe twice the length you've got here.

Thanks, I figure that I could always add to it later

Eurynomos

@Chryenth thanks again your words got me to thinking.

He is a horned satyr with a full brown beard that covers his dirty face. He has the four missing bottom teeth and the rest is stained with blood, his hands are grimy with dark black finger tips.  His horns curl backwards reminiscent of a large ram. Deep hazel green eyes peer out from his bruised face. His shoulders, chest, and arms are broad and muscular. Dried blood is splattered across his coarse brown hair which covers his powerful goat legs and his hooves slowly oozes blood.

I thought my look should reflect my city, house, and class.

Chryenth

1) Don't need 'the' in the second sentence, and 'is' should be 'are'

2) Stop at 'stained with blood.'

3) Comma after 'backwards.'

4) 'oozes' should be 'ooze.'

(Corrections are a force of habit.) 

I'm glad I could help! ^^

Jiraishin

New, permanent, descrip now that Jira no longer has a shaved head:

He is a mhun of average height. Lean of frame, he moves with swift economy, his
manner guarded and his grey eyes constantly assessing his surroundings.
Short-cropped dark hair frames a thin face; his features, though youthful, are
lined by hardship and bitter experience.

I love being able to use semicolons. Anyway. Thoughts?

Chryenth

Very economical. Makes him come across as having been though a lot but gives no details - I don't suppose he has any obvious scars or something? To give some sort of focus to an otherwise purposely-nondescript appearance.

Jiraishin

He has two thin, faint scars on his face, one down his cheek and one along his jaw, but they're almost unnoticeable. Putting it in the description makes them seem extremely noticeable and possibly significant.

Chryenth

An interesting dilemma, then - to not include them, and have them be so unnoticeable that people only seem them when you want them to (via tmotes, ect) or to include them and risk them being *too* noticeable, so every Tom, Dick and Harry asks about them when they'd probably not see them, realistically.

A stylistic choice, I suppose - the description reads fine as it is IMO.

Exelethril

Jiraishin said:

New, permanent, descrip now that Jira no longer has a shaved head:

He is a mhun of average height. Lean of frame, he moves with swift economy, his
manner guarded and his grey eyes constantly assessing his surroundings.
Short-cropped dark hair frames a thin face; his features, though youthful, are
lined by hardship and bitter experience.

I love being able to use semicolons. Anyway. Thoughts?

Mm, agreeable sentence fragmentation. Some people tend to go overboard with drawing out their sentences, which tends to lead a huge unorganized block of text no one will really read.

Chryenth

I thought we were getting an Abathur parody, then.

Sentence formation, agreeable. Natural tendency, excessive. Wasteful. Jira strain, adapted. More efficient. Can distribute essence at higher rate, higher acceptance. Will spin strand into Achaean base template.

Jonathin

@Chryenth.

Chryenth

you too.

Shirszae

So, recently I came up with a new description for my character. I would like your opinion on it, please:

She is a beautiful siren, whose skin possesses a faint olive tint. Short wispy hair the color of snow brushes the contours of her face, strands fluttering messily in the slightest breeze. The cast of her features is not very sireni, resembling more the clear complexion of a human child. Her countenance is serene, though her eyes are wide-staring and circled. Her mouth is thin, pale lips parting constantly as if expressing mute surprise. Beyond this, her lean-but-not skinny frame barely amounts to five short feet in height, here and there being observable the fading remnants of an athletic youth. Her cheek bears a burn scar in the shape of what seems to be an escarbuncle within a border.

Chryenth

@Shirszae

She is a beautiful siren, whose skin possesses a faint olive tint. Short wispy hair the color of snow brushes the contours of her face, strands fluttering messily in the slightest breeze. The cast of her features is not very sireni, resembling more the clear complexion of a human child. Her countenance is serene, though her eyes are wide-staring and circled. Her mouth is thin, pale lips parting constantly as if expressing mute surprise. Beyond this, her lean-but-not skinny frame barely amounts to five short feet in height, here and there being observable the fading remnants of an athletic youth. Her cheek bears a burn scar in the shape of what seems to be an escarbuncle within a border.

 

 

1. '...clear complexion of a human child.' Insofar as I'm aware, siren and human children look essentially the same. I'm assuming that by 'clear complexion' you mean pre-acne, ect. I'm always a little leery of descriptions that try to pass 18+ year olds off as looking childish or child-like, but here that's a minor worry.

2. '...lips parting constantly…' Try not to express a state of being that you might want to change. What if you character is in very familiar surroundings, or angry about something?

3. 'lean-but-not-skinny' is redundant. Certainly when I think of a person as 'lean', I don't picture them as overweight - but nor do I see them as particularly skinny, either. On a side not, I'd like to know what other people think about that - does 'lean' imply 'skinny'?
4. You could tell us what these fading remnants are, I suppose.

 

 

Otherwise, very nice indeed.

On another note, I'm thinking about (finally) getting my Elemental Staff customized. I'll probably revise this a few more times before I submit it, but some objective feedback would be nice. Thoughts and criticism welcome.

Appearance: a redwood staff

 

Dropped: A redwood staff has been left here.

 

Examined: Smooth redwood comprises the body of this staff. The grain of the wood, running from end to end is suffused with a subtle glow only visible on close inspection. One end is sheathed in a protective metal coat, attached so cunningly as to appear to grow from the wood of the staff. Partially merged with the head of the staff is a translucent dark grey stone that pulses slowly and faintly with an ethereal red light. Tiny motes of scintillating dust float around the stone, never straying more than a few inches away without winking out, only to be replaced in the next instant.

Jiraishin

@Chryenth
There should be a comma after "running from end to end", though personally I would either just remove that phrase or rewrite it as something like "From end to end, the wood's grain is suffused with..." or maybe "From one end of the staff to the other, the wood's grain is suffused with...".

I'm assuming that the coated end is not the head of the staff, since you have another description for that, so maybe make it "The butt of the staff" or put the head description first and describe "the other end" as metal coated for clarity.

"never straying more than a few inches away without winking out, only to be replaced in the next instant" doesn't sound quite right. Perhaps "Tiny motes of scintillating dust float around the stone,  constantly replenished but winking out any time they stray more than a few inches from their source", or something like that.

Synbios

He is a mhun. He stands at a height of five feet, four inches. Despite having the thin build of his 

Mhun kinsmen, his pale-skinned body has a bit of toned muscle, evidence of his extensive knightly 

training. His face is boyishly unremarkable, with the only thing standing out being the traces of 

his former Tsol'aa incarnation adding a bit of youthful grace to his features. He has unkempt short 

black hair, defying his age, that frames a pair of almond-shaped grey eyes which gaze 

disinterestedly at the world about him. He has a polite, yet dour air about him. Tattooed on his 

fingers is a labyrinthine pattern of black lines, branching out into geometric patterns that spread 

across the back of his hands.

Comments?

Chryenth

@Synbios

He is a mhun. He stands at a height of five feet, four inches. Despite having the thin build of his 

Mhun kinsmen, his pale-skinned body has a bit of toned muscle, evidence of his extensive knightly 

training. His face is boyishly unremarkable, with the only thing standing out being the traces of 

his former Tsol'aa incarnation adding a bit of youthful grace to his features. He has unkempt short 

black hair, defying his age, that frames a pair of almond-shaped grey eyes which gaze 

disinterestedly at the world about him. He has a polite, yet dour air about him. Tattooed on his 

fingers is a labyrinthine pattern of black lines, branching out into geometric patterns that spread 

across the back of his hands.

 

1. Aren't Tsol'aa meant to be old-looking, in a vaguely Elvish sort of way? As opposed to youthful?
2. The very last sentence feels like it might work better the other way around - describing the tattoos  growing from the back of his hands to his fingers. "Geometric tattoos are picked out in black against the fair skin of his hands, spreading down to his fingers in labyrinthine patterns."
3. Generally, there's a lot of 'He is…' 'His… are' which starts to sound repetitive. Jumble the subject around a little.  Not 'his face is unremarkable'... but 'there is nothing remarkable about his face…' Sort of thing.

 

Overall, I like.

@Jiraishin Thank you! Editing in process; will update when I'm re-satisfied.

Iocun

I don't know why elves would be "old-looking". The typical fantasy/Tolkien elf lives longer than a human, which implies aging more slowly and thus looking "young" for longer.

Chryenth

Perhaps it's just my image of them, then. I always thought the gave the impression of age, even when they were chronologically not all that old.

Or maybe I'm too tired from exams and revision to make sense.

Limri

How about mine, then? I've never posted a description like this... plus my boyfriend helped me make this one.

He is a tiger-like rajamala. He he stands just above six feet tall. The tips of his ears are perked 

at the sounds of prey to be had, constantly twitching toward any and every noise. Taut jet black fur 

covers his lithe musculature, and one can see the ripples made by his sinewy muscles. He is lean 

like a runner, and his chest holds a slightly pronounced 'V' shape. His chest muscles are visible, 

but not bulging. His torso supports a lean neck, and atop it sets his charming face. If one does not 

know better, they may mistake this regal creature for a panther ready to pounce. Within his fur one 

can see flecks of white, with the majority being upon his pointed ears. His eyes are white, yet 

crystalline like clear quartz, and in the middle of them sit obsidian pupils. Around the pupils blue 

irises glow like flames, giving the illusion of a burning blue star caught in heavy fog. Upon his 

nose are patches of white, almost like freckles. Just below his nose is a set of snow white whiskers,

 making it seem as though he has thin white stripes on his lips. His legs are lean and mean from his 

frequent hunting, and along his tail white rings of fur have grown. His claws are sharp as steel, 

and look as though they were made from black stone. His feet support his entire form firmly and are 

also covered with many white specks of fir. His teeth match the snow white rings of his tail, and 

are like sharp pearls and ivory daggers. The specks of white in his fur make him seem as though he 

had just been snowed on. His face is wrinkled in what may appear to be a permanent feline smile.

Chryenth

@Limri

He is a tiger-like rajamala. He he stands just above six feet tall. The tips of his ears are perked 

at the sounds of prey to be had, constantly twitching toward any and every noise. Taut jet black fur 

covers his lithe musculature, and one can see the ripples made by his sinewy muscles. He is lean 

like a runner, and his chest holds a slightly pronounced 'V' shape. His chest muscles are visible, 

but not bulging. His torso supports a lean neck, and atop it sets his charming face. If one does not 

know better, they may mistake this regal creature for a panther ready to pounce. Within his fur one 

can see flecks of white, with the majority being upon his pointed ears. His eyes are white, yet 

crystalline like clear quartz, and in the middle of them sit obsidian pupils. Around the pupils blue 

irises glow like flames, giving the illusion of a burning blue star caught in heavy fog. Upon his 

nose are patches of white, almost like freckles. Just below his nose is a set of snow white whiskers,

 making it seem as though he has thin white stripes on his lips. His legs are lean and mean from his 

frequent hunting, and along his tail white rings of fur have grown. His claws are sharp as steel, 

and look as though they were made from black stone. His feet support his entire form firmly and are 

also covered with many white specks of fir. His teeth match the snow white rings of his tail, and 

are like sharp pearls and ivory daggers. The specks of white in his fur make him seem as though he 

had just been snowed on. His face is wrinkled in what may appear to be a permanent feline smile.

 

1. First impression - Woo, wall of text. Might want to cut it down a little, even if it's only to encourage the lazy to read it.

2. Repteition of 'he' in the first sentence.

3. 'Taut' implies his fur in under tension, which would be… odd.  Short?

4. Sits, not sets. Sixth line.

5. Don't tell us we might mistake it. Tell us it could be mistaken. A minor difference, but an important one - never tell an observer their reaction.
6. Fur, not fir.

7. Are his teeth snow white, pearly or ivory? They can't be all.

8. What happens if you want to frown?

 

There's a lot of good there. I'll leave you with only the advice that brevity is wit.

Jonathin

Never mind. I still u Chryenth.

Limri

Updated with some fixes. I also shortened it by a sentence or two. I'm too attached to shorten it much more...

Also, @Chryenth, I could not find your "Sits, not sets. Sixth line." On the sixth line. I didn't see any sit/sits/set/sets errors in the entire description, actually.

He stands just above six feet tall. The tips of his ears are perked at the sounds of prey to be had, constantly twitching toward any and every noise. Short jet black fur covers his lithe musculature, and one can see the ripples made by his sinewy muscles. He is lean like a runner, and his chest holds a slightly pronounced 'V' shape. His chest muscles are visible, but not bulging. His torso supports a lean neck, and atop it sets his charming face. If one did not know better, this regal creature could be mistaken for a panther ready to pounce. Within his fur one can see flecks of white, with the majority being upon his pointed ears. His eyes are white, yet crystalline like clear quartz, and in the middle of them sit obsidian pupils. Around the pupils blue irises glow like flames, giving the illusion of a burning blue star caught in heavy fog. Upon his nose are patches of white, almost like freckles. Just below his nose is a set of snow white whiskers, making it seem as though he has thin white stripes on his lips. His legs are lean and mean from his frequent hunting, and along his tail white rings of fur have grown. His claws are sharp as steel, and look as though they were made from black stone. His feet support his entire form firmly and are also covered with many white specks of fur. His teeth match the snow white rings of his tail, and are as sharp as daggers. The specks of white in his fur make him seem as though he had just been snowed on.

Sena

Limri said:

Also, @Chryenth, I could not find your "Sits, not sets. Sixth line." On the sixth line. I didn't see any sit/sits/set/sets errors in the entire description, actually.

The sixth sentence. "His torso supports a lean neck, and atop it sets his charming face."

Chryenth

I could have pointed that out more accurately, I guess. Still, it's better now.

Antonius

Ok, so a while back I wrote descriptions for custom scabbards, then decided there were other things I wanted to spend 400 credits on (four scabbards aren't cheap to customise). This is the fifth version (at least) of this particular one, because I could never quite decide if I was happy with the wording. Was originally mithril, then I considered changing to platinum (tribute to Pentharian, my character's former patron), then settled on ivory due to my new Order. Thoughts and suggestions, please.

Description is (apparently far) too long to post on the forums (seriously, what the fuck?), so: http://pastebin.com/CxAtSp1U

Chryenth

Dropped: The ivory gleaming brightly, a thin scabbard has been forgotten here, now devoid of purpose without a sword to hold.

Ext Desc: Brightly polished ivory has been used to craft this elegant scabbard. Long and thin, it is intended to hang from a sword belt and house (hold? Is there a better word?) a rapier. The upper half has been decorated with a carving of an imposing dragon, its long body (torso?) and tail wrapping around the scabbard's body. The head of the dragon merges into the scabbard itself to form its throat, the dragon's mouth open wide to accept the sword's blade. The scabbard's lower half has been decorated with intricate, twisting designs that have been etched into the ivory surface.

 

1. I think the 'now' in the long description is unnecessary.

2. Conceal? Sheathe? Carry?

3. 'Body' is the better word when describing a dragon, I think.

  Yeah, I haven't got anything more to add. Very nice.

Xli

I believe it would be better grammar to use "the mouth of the dragon" as opposed to "the dragon's mouth"

Taraus

Mostly for inspiration (?) for Toni, two old scabbard descs I did awhile back: (Infernal and Aegean, respectively):

an ancient Infernal scabbard:

Salvaged from the wreckage of the Iron Citadel, this battered scabbard is covered with countless dents and scars, a silent barrage of untold stories. The throat, sheath and tip of the scabbard are mottled in hue, fading from black in some places, to a startling red, to the rusty tinge of dried blood. Though free from ornamentation, two symbols adorn this piece that herald its origins. Just below the mouth is the image of a black hand, the stygian ensign of Sartan, Lord of Evil. Halfway down the body of the scabbard is the branded image of a falcon claw, the official crest of the Infernals Guild. The final decoration on this ancient scabbard is the sharpened drag affixed to the tip, this having been honed to a wicked point, indicating that the scabbard itself may serve as a brutal weapon.

an Aegean scabbard:

Crafted from the finest materials, this scabbard is comprised of both tempered steel, and leather that has been dyed a deep, rich black. Its overall curvature indicates it is designed to house and protect a scimitar, and the gentle arc allows the scabbard to rest comfortably along the leg of the wearer while worn. The leather across the body has been oiled to a buttersoft perfection, and an intricate image of the mailed fist of Aegis has been carefully tooled into its surface. Thin bands of gold adorn the mouth of the scabbard, and a line of glimmering rubies runs along both sides from throat to chape. The scabbard has been carefully fitted with a blackened steel shoe, the protective element also adorned with several bands of ornamental gold.

Mishgul

I cant english and i give credits to person who give description, pm.

Jiraishin

He is a mhun of average height. Lean of frame, he moves with swift economy, his
manner guarded and his grey eyes constantly assessing his surroundings.
Short-cropped dark hair frames a thin face; his features, though youthful, are
lined by hardship and bitter experience. The Mark of the Twin, II, is visible
as a raised scar on his right forearm, midway between two vicious scars at
wrist and elbow. Stippled marks cover much of the skin between in a spiraling
pattern, save where the Mark interrupts.

I'm only semi-happy with this description. He has a ton of scarring on his arm on account of having a barbed, hooked, chain that actively seeks its wearer's blood digging into it for nearly a century. It should be very visible, and I want it to be visible, but I'm having trouble conveying everything so that I don't a) use the word 'scar' over and over or b) spend more space describing his right arm than I do the entire rest of him. As the description stands right now I am more or less meeting those goals, but I'm not entirely satisfied with how well it conveys the information. The use of marks/Mark also seems a bit jarring, but I couldn't think of a better alternative.

Any suggestions? Thank you.