Descriptions Wanted 1.0

Chryenth

So, the chain was attached at wrist and elbow, right? Then wrapped around the rest of the arm, leading to scarring and suchlike?

Almost indistinguishable beneath a mess of spiral scarring, the Mark of the Twin, II, sits on his right forearm, midway between two vicious scars at his wrist and elbow.

The Mark of the Twin, II, stands proud from a slowly-healing spiral scar that winds from a wound on his wrist to one on his elbow, connecting the two with a rivulet of damaged skin and muscle.

A spiraling line of damaged tissue winds between the wrist and elbow of his right forearm, neatly bisected by the Mark of the Twin, II, which stands fresh and prominent.

Or some combination thereof, depending on the exact state of the scars.

Rom

Shouldn't have posted it here when it's so rough that I'm sitting here editing my post. Ignore me, please!

Jovolo

He is a stout dwarf. Tall for his race, he reaches just under five feet in height. Bearing the 

tanned, leathery skin and well-honed muscles of a seasoned fighter, he stands with a reserved 

disposition. He quietly contemplates his surroundings through sunken, pale green eyes above his 

stubby reddened nose. A thick mane of unkempt brown hair surrounds his face, distinguishable from 

his bushy beard only by the thick strands the latter has been braided into.

Any help would be appreciated. I am an infernal of the Maldaathi.

Sylvance

Jovolo said:

He is a stout dwarf. Tall for his race, he reaches just under five feet in height. Bearing the 

tanned, leathery skin and well-honed muscles of a seasoned fighter, he stands with a reserved 

disposition. He quietly contemplates his surroundings through sunken, pale green eyes above his 

stubby reddened nose. A thick mane of unkempt brown hair surrounds his face, distinguishable from 

his bushy beard only by the thick strands the latter has been braided into.

Any help would be appreciated. I am an infernal of the Maldaathi.

I like it; you've gotten a fair bit into a deliciously short description; my eyes didn't even glaze.

I'd be particularly careful with adverb-verb combinations such as "He quietly contemplates". What if I look at him midway through a blistering dressing down following a breach of etiquette over CT?

"A thick mane of unkempt brown hair surrounds his face, distinguishable from 

his bushy beard only by the thick strands the latter has been braided into."  This reads a little clumsily to my mind for a couple of reasons. It can't really be the case that the only thing distinguishing his hair from his beard is the style; the location itself would be a dead giveaway. If you're saying that it's difficult to tell where one ends and the other begins, I would find another way of phrasing it.  Concurrently (and possibly just because I'm tired), when I got to the word 'latter', I had to reread the sentence to figure out which was the latter; you may want to consider doing away with that device entirely.

As is often the case in a thread like this, this is all pedantic tweaking. Your description is better than most I've seen in game.

ETA: Do not know wtf is going on with these colours...

Jonners

He is an affable, cornigerous satyr. Tall for his race, he stands just over six feet, his horns adding some to his height. The smell of grain alcohol emanates like an intoxicating aura surrounding him. He has long sandy-blond hair, grown to the base of his back, left loose yet kept free of snags or tangles. His horns push up and curl back over his scalp dividing his hair in three and protecting his skull. They curve down around the back of his head, curling back up and around his jawline, coming to sharp points that angle back at the level of his temples. His right horn sports a simple mithril ring, a couple inches back from the tip. His eyes are a bloodshot sky-blue and his mouth is perched in a perpetual smile. He sports a trimmed goatee upon his cleft chin, coming to a point, elongating his swollen face. With a barely noticeable bulge around his middle, his body is slim overall. His arms are toned and his skin is tanned with olive hues beneath. His fur, growing from waist to ankles, is kept well groomed and is a creamy-brown colour tinted with mottled crimson tones. He is wearing...

Mordric

One of my alts. I know....it's long.

He is a graceful tsol'aa. He stands about seven and a half feet tall, his large,

lithe frame covered in well-toned muscles. His pale skin is rather clear and 

youthful, but the tell-tale wrinkles at the corners of his mouth and eyes betray

his age. Shady black hair hangs in hundreds of small braids around his long, 

triangular face, with silver, amethyst, and ebony beads woven throughout. His 

eyes are of the deepest violet, flecked throughout with silver, and nestled 

beneath a heavy brow, with a short jagged scar running through the left one. 

Nearly imperceptible are dark grey freckles beneath his glasses. He has a smile 

of pearly whites beneath his slightly upturned, sharply pointed nose. A bushy 

goatee hangs from his chin, split in twain and braided, sharing the same beads 

as his hair. He has a tattoo of a spread-winged, black falcon in front of a 

crossed sword and arrow on the back of his neck. A tattoo of a dying, thorny 

vine with tiny black rose blossoms runs from the bottom of his left ear down his

neck and encircling his right arm to the back of his right hand. A matching 

tattoo of a serpent skeleton runs symmetrically down the opposite side of his 

neck and body, with the serpentine skull ending on the back of his left hand. A 

single medium-gauge barbell of silver pierces the skin in the front of his neck 

twice, once on either side, it's ends tipped with two bleached fangs. Below this

barbell is the name "Jezabelle" tattooed in electric-blue calligraphy and 

outlined in black. The backs of his lengthy arms are covered with fine dark 

stubble, the hair having been singed off, while his inner forearms bare strange 

arcane runes branded into his tough flesh, running from his elbows to his badly 

scarred wrists. His hands appear to be firm and strong, ending in well-groomed, 

short nails painted an icy color.

Jiraishin

@Mordric do you want it to be that long? If not, I could suggest a few ways to shorten it.

Also, since I never did post the final description:

He is a mhun of average height. Lean of frame, he moves with swift economy, his
manner guarded and his grey eyes constantly assessing his surroundings.
Short-cropped dark hair frames a thin face; his features, though youthful, are
lined by hardship and bitter experience. The Mark of the Twin, II, is visible
as a raised scar on his right forearm, interrupting a spiraling pattern of scar
tissue that runs from wrist to elbow.

Took out some detail from the scarring because I just got sick of trying to describe it. Actually, that's kind of what happened to the rest of my descrip a long time ago.

Chryenth

@Jonners: Literally the only thing that jumped out at me was 'grown long yet kept clear of ...' To my mind that should be an 'and'.

@Mordric: Not bad, but as you said - long. At the expense of a little detail, that could probably be halved in length.

@Jiraishin: I would say short and sweet, but I'd need a more Former-Mhaldorian-esque way of putting it? Short and scarred? Short and sour? Either way, it's very good.

Jonners

Chryenth said:

@Jonners: Literally the only thing that jumped out at me was 'grown long yet kept clear of ...' To my mind that should be an 'and'.

Are you quoting some other desc? That line is not in mine...

Edit- I think I know where you mean and I see what you're saying, yet I prefer the 'yet' there. Thanks though

Chryenth

For clarity's sake, 'left loose yet kept free' was the line. If you prefer yet, then that's fine. ^^

Jonners

Hey, I'm just glad someone read it. So other than grammar what do you think @Chryenth?

Chryenth

Other than that, it seems pretty good to me.

Jonners

Chryenth said:

Other than that, it seems pretty good to me.

But what did you think? Does it give you a good visual? Do you get a sense of the character just by looking at him? I was looking for a critique, not a grammar check.

Jiraishin

@Jonners Without commenting on grammar of phrasing, the description gives me a visual sense of the character but is wordy enough that I am not likely to bother reading it IG.

Chryenth

I hereby bestow the title of description-ninja on Jiraishin, because you keep saying things before I can.

 

So yeah, what Jira said.

Jiraishin

Debating whether to add "I ninja'd description ninja" to my sig.

Chryenth

Do it.

Jiraishin

Done.

Invictus

He is a human that stands at approximately six feet tall and sports a slender build. Mildly-narrowed, his face is framed by short brown hair. The sides of his hair taper down his head into narrow sideburns that neatly mirror his jaw-line to mesh into a goatee. Full of a youthful vigor and glistening - Two greenish-blue eyes, reminiscent of the colour of the frozen sea gaze confidently from his tanned face, absorbing his surroundings. Curled slightly below a slender nose, his ample lips betray a small smile.

I've been trying to make this a bit longer, any suggestions?

Sylvance

@Invictus - I'd flesh out (pardon my pun) the part about his build. "Slender" leaves me with a remarkably vague image; is he slender like a runner or a swimmer or a hunter etc. Decide what you want his build to tell the reader about him, and elaborate in that direction.  You could also develop the hair colour; there have got to be ten-thousand shades of brown out there.  This is all in direct response to a specific question - I'm a huge fan of short descriptions. Even my own is too long.

Chryenth

@Invictus

1) If you're looking to make it longer, then (and echoing what Sylvance said) you can elaborate about his build. Simply something like '...sports the slender build of a warrior/runner/man used to exercise/whatever descriptor you prefer.'

2) 'Mildly-narrowed' is an odd construction. 'Tending towards the narrow, his face...'

3) Jawline is one word.

4) I assume the eyes are full of youthful vigour? That sentence needs a little work.

 

Added a few words here and there, I guess.

Chryenth

Final (hopefully) iteration of my elemental staff desc. Thoughts welcome.

Appearance: a redwood staff

 

Dropped: A redwood staff has been left here.

 

Examined: Smooth redwood comprises the body of this staff. From end to end, the wood's grain is suffused with a subtle glow only visible on close inspection. The bottom end is sheathed in a protective metal coat, attached so cunningly as to appear to grow from the wood of the staff. Partially merged with the head of the staff is a translucent dark grey stone that pulses slowly and

faintly with an ethereal red light. Tiny motes of scintillating dust float around the stone, winking out as they stray more than a short distance from their source. Their number is constantly replenished with each pulse of the stone.

Jonners

Needs moar mithril.

But seriously, I like it. I'd think the stone would be a crystal. Also don't you think the pulsing illuminated stone is noticeable enough to be mentioned in the appearance?

Chryenth

Mithril is coming on the next artefact. ^^

You do have a point, however. Perhaps 'a redwood staff topped with an illuminated stone' ?

Jiraishin

1. 'subtle glow only visible on close inspection' is somewhat redundant
2. If part of the sentence mentioned above is removed, it might be short enough to warrant being merged into the previous sentence. "Smooth redwood comprises the body of this staff, the wood's grain suffused with a subtle glow from end to end" maybe.
3. I think 'attached so cunningly as to' would be better as 'cunningly attached so as to'
4.'winking out whenever they stray' rather than 'as they stray'.
5. Might want to merge the last sentence with the second-to-last for better flow.

Chryenth

Take 2:

Smooth redwood comprises the body of this staff, suffused with a subtle red glow along the grain. The bottom end is sheathed in a protective metal coat, cunningly attached so as to appear to grow from the wood itself. Partially merged with the head of the staff is a translucent dark grey stone that pulses slowly and faintly with an ethereal red light. Tiny motes of scintillating dust float around the stone, winking out whenever they stray more than a short distance from their source and replenishing with each pulse of light.

Still not entirely happy with the last sentence.

Jonners

"With each pulse from the stone motes of dust become visible, winking out a short distance from the light source."

I personally don't see how dust could be scintillating, even if it is illuminated. Also, the way you have the sentence constructed it sounds like the dust motes originate from the stone rather than just being naturally all around us and it being highlighted by the light. What I often try to do is reverse the sentence, that can help you tease out little things you don't like or need to be reworked.

Chryenth

... I may need to make it clearer, then. The motes are generated by the staff.

"Each pulse releases a wave of scintillating dust that winks out as it floats away from the staff." 

Reversing the sentence, huh? Never thought of that. I'll have to try it.

Jiraishin

1. Might want to put the bit about the subtle glow nearer to either the word 'wood' or 'redwood', though that might be a personal style thing
2. In the second sentence, make clear that it is the bottom end of the staff, not the bottom end of the wood grain.
3. "Partially merged with the head of the staff, a translucent dark grey stone pulses slowly and faintly with an ethereal red light, producing tiny motes of scintillating dust with every beat.

I'm not really sure how to incorporate the floating/vanishing/replenishing bit into the descrip while keeping the flow. My inclination really would be to make that last sentence
 "Partially merged with the head of the staff, a translucent dark grey stone pulses slowly and faintly with an ethereal red light, producing tiny, quick-vanishing motes of scintillating dust with every beat."
and just leave the rest to imagination and emotes. I'm kind of a less-is-more person with descriptions, though, so you may or may not agree with me.
Whatever you choose to do, making it clearer that the motes originate with the stone probably is a good idea.

Zii

I'm currently a grook, my description sucks.  Any tips on an Mhaldorian grook scientist?