Descriptions Wanted 1.0

Jiraishin

Be sure to use the word 'stygian' at least twice, that's all I can say.

Chryenth

Okay, then. Take 3.

Smooth redwood comprises the body of this staff, suffused with a subtle red glow along the grain. Cunningly attached so as to appear to grow from the wood itself, a protective metal sheathe covers the bottom end of the staff. Partially merged with the head of the staff is a translucent dark grey stone that pulses slowly and faintly with an ethereal red light. Tiny motes of scintillating dust emanate from the stone, winking out at random and replenishing with each pulse.

Rewrote the second sentence so I could use the word 'staff' in two consecutive sentences. I think I'm finally okay with the last sentence, too.

Thank you both, Jonners and Jira.

Jonners

I see, I was getting the impression it was illuminating the dust in the air all ready. Much like you can see in a sunbeam coming through a window. Looks great now.

Adet

Chryenth said:

Smooth redwood comprises the body of this staff, suffused with a subtle red glow along the grain. Cunningly attached so as to appear to grow from the wood itself, a protective metal sheathe covers the bottom end of the staff. Partially merged with the head of the staff is a translucent dark grey stone that pulses slowly and faintly with an ethereal red light. Tiny motes of scintillating dust emanate from the stone, winking out at random and replenishing with each pulse.

Rewrote the second sentence so I could use the word 'staff' in two consecutive sentences. I think I'm finally okay with the last sentence, too.

Three, actually...  It looks good, but if you can think of a way of avoiding the use of "staff" in the second sentence (possibly use "weapon"?), I think it would flow slightly better...  I'm aware that this is basically the opposite of what Jiraishin said above, though.

Chryenth

Well, damnit. Good eyes.

'Weapon' is a good suggestion, I think.

Exelethril

As for "illuminated", I think a better verb would be "luminous". The former implies something is illuminating it, which isn't the case since the staff itself is luminous(I think).

Wynedere

I've never been very good at writing descriptions. I'm even worse while trying to write one for a race I've never played before. To me, short = sweet. Long descriptions aren't very appealing. 

She is a frog-like grook somewhat lacking in stature. Her posture remains perpetually slumped forward, betraying an absence of regal bearing. Deep, black eyes seem to bulge from her amphibious facial features. Thin lips stretch widely from one cheek to the other, underneath a flattened nose that blends evenly into the contours of the face. Pale turquoise flesh, mottled with darkened blue blemishes, clings loosely to underlying tissue, extending over the top of her bald head. Webbed hands and feet allow for ease of movement through watery environments.

How does it look?

Chryenth

@Wynedere

She is a frog-like grook somewhat lacking in stature. Her posture remains perpetually slumped forward, betraying an absence of regal bearing. Deep, black eyes seem to bulge from her amphibious facial features. Thin lips stretch widely from one cheek to the other, underneath a flattened nose that blends evenly into the contours of the face. Pale turquoise flesh, mottled with darkened blue blemishes, clings loosely to underlying tissue, extending over the top of her bald head. Webbed hands and feet allow for ease of movement through watery environments.

 

1. I would say 'absent any proper bearing' rather then regal. It seems a little weird to be revealing something that isn't there.

 

Yeah, that's it. Maybe you could add a line if she has any distinguishing features, but that's all. Good!

Shirszae

New description after having spent a fair bit slumbering away:

She is a beautiful siren of the northern wilds, small of height and lean, with clear complexion like a human child. Her skin bears a faint olive hue instead of the expected paleness. But in her sleep-encircled amber eyes her heritage surges forth, as well as in the tangled mess of snowy hair descending like reeds to the tips of her shoulders. Hidden beneath this splash of white, a number of same-hued scales faintly dot her features-- Most behind her thin, pale lips. Her cheek bears a burn scar in the shape of what seems to be an escarbuncle within a border.

Chryenth

@shirszae

She is a beautiful siren of the northern wilds, small of height and lean, with clear complexion like a human child. Her skin bears a faint olive hue instead of the expected paleness. But in her sleep-encircled amber eyes her heritage surges forth, as well as in the tangled mess of snowy hair descending like reeds to the tips of her shoulders. Hidden beneath this splash of white, a number of same-hued scales faintly dot her features-- Most behind her thin, pale lips. Her cheek bears a burn scar in the shape of what seems to be an escarbuncle within a border.

 

1. '… with the clear complexion of a…'

2. Not sure why we'd expect her to be pale. The northern wilds get a fair deal of sunshine, I think, and Sirens aren't all pale.

3. 'sleep-encircled' You mean she has bags under (and around) her eyes? How about '...her eyes, sunken by lack of sleep, …'?

4. 'her heritage surges forth.' If that's not an innuendo I don't know what is. Anyway, what heritage is that? Reading the whole description I have no idea. Fish?

5. Reeds don't tangle that much. They're straight. Weeds?

6. Scales, eh? What hue are they? Crimson-orange, and thus glaringly obvious, or skin-coloured, and thus near invisible?

7. '… features, most behind…' Doesn't that put them in her mouth, though?

 

Reading that back I feel a little over-sarcastic. Sorry. Shows some promise, with those few tweaks. Not bad!

Oh, and if you've been slumbering - welcome back.

Shirszae

Thank you as always, @Chryenth! x3

A couple of things:

1-I use the northern wilds to refer mostly to the town of Kamleikan. I am aware the north goes much farther than that, but I was hoping to avoid naming the place explicitly. The idea was that she has kamleikan-esque features, but not the paleness that goes with them. 

2-I agree heartily that sleep-encircled is not the best choice of words. 

3- No, that was not innuendo >.> As I said above, mostly referred to the paleness expected from someone who has born and has the features associated with a  wintry town.

4-Yes! I was thinking of weeds

5-The scales are white, like her hair. 

6-I meant for them to actually be on the corner of her mouth. I'll change that too.

Jonners

My only complaint has nothing to do with grammar and structure, but rather the lack of innuendo.

I'm not saying you should go big, especially as a Mhaldorian, but a siren with no mention of her curves at all seems wrong.

Kyrra

Some women are born flat as a surfboard while other women in the same family clearly raided the melon patch to acquire their curves. Doesn't make the woman any less beautiful or desirable.

It's honestly nice to see some sirens walking around without all their goods on display. They are sirens, they are alluring by default.

Jonners

I call cop-out. If they at least mentioned it that I could agree with, nothing wrong with going against the stereotype, but not mentioning it at all is just silly.

Chapel

please make me sound nicer

He is a human. Approximately five feet and eleven inches tall. His long dark grey hair is brushed back into a 

ponytail, tightly tied behind by several entwined strands of what looks to be fishing line. His eyes are an amazing 

and bright shade of green, shining like emeralds, giving off a stoic and  courageous look. His eyes are brought out 

by his thin and neatly plucked eyebrows, which shade matches his hair. A  sharp nose hangs over his pink lips, and 

thick moustache which draws down his  chin into a thin, neatly trimmed, beard. His body is a work of chiseled and 

lean muscles, rippling beneath his tanned and smooth skin.

Jonners

Nicer as in you want your character to seem more friendly, or nicer as in you want it to look nicer AKA cleaner?

Chapel

cleaner i guess, I'm not really good with descriptions. He's a Lotus Monk, with long hair. 

Jonners

How's this? DESCRIBE SELF + to use the 'and is' beginning.

~

He is a human and is just under six feet tall, his body a work of chiselled muscles rippling beneath his smooth tanned skin. He has long dark-grey hair brushed back into a ponytail, tied tightly by several strands of entwined fishing line. His eyes are a bright shade of emerald green, framed by thin, neatly plucked eyebrows, giving him a stoic and courageous look about him. A sharp hooked nose hangs over a thick ashen moustache sprouting upon his upper lip, drooping down to meet a neatly trimmed beard.

Shirszae

I think the and is sounds silly and is a terrible example. Basically any other option is better, but I am specially fond of seamlessly continuing the phrase. Otherwise it looks too artificial

For example: He is a human barely measuring over six feet in height. 

Jonners

Good point. Just got caught with the old way in my head.

Chryenth

@Chapel

He is a human. Approximately five feet and eleven inches tall. His long dark grey hair is brushed back into a 

ponytail, tightly tied behind by several entwined strands of what looks to be fishing line. His eyes are an amazing 

and bright shade of green, shining like emeralds, giving off a stoic and courageous look. His eyes are brought out 

by his thin and neatly plucked eyebrows, which shade matches his hair. A  sharp nose hangs over his pink lips, and 

thick moustache which draws down his  chin into a thin, neatly trimmed, beard. His body is a work of chiseled and 

lean muscles, rippling beneath his tanned and smooth skin.

 

1. That's a very precise approximation. Jonners has you covered, there.

2. Tightly tied behind what? His head? His eyes? His back?

3. I'm not sure how bright green eyes = stoic and courageous.

4. '...eyebrows, whose shade matches his hair.'

5. 'His body resembles a statue, a work of chiselled and lean muscles…'

6. (By all means ignore this one) Rippling muscles always makes me think of that Simpsons episode with Rainier Wolfcastle and his jiggling muscles. Then it think of ripples, and shiver and think hoe painful that must be to have your muscles do that. Urgh.

I don't know that I made you look nicer, but you didn't look *bad* to begin with.

Synbios

Working on a customisation project for @Antidas.

Foregoing any unnecessary embellishment, this weapon is forged from a single piece of unknown metal.  Designed to be held in a reverse grip, the handle follows the natural curve of the palm, terminating in a ring guard for the index finger. A sharp blade extends from the other end of the handle, curving forward and upward in a talon-like shape. A network of shallow and deep grooves can be seen on the blade, allowing venoms to be held on its surface. The blade and handle cast no reflection, their surfaces treated with a matt-black finish, a boon for an assassin's weapon.

[spoiler]

[/spoiler]

Submitting for critique.

Chryenth

Personally I'd put 'deep and shallow grooves' rather than the other way around. Just sounds better to me.

Also, I'd say the blade continues along the same curve as the handle rather than forwards and upwards.

Otherwise very good.

Synbios

Chryenth said:

Also, I'd say the blade continues along the same curve as the handle rather than forwards and upwards.

Trying to give off the sense that this is essentially what the blade looks like when wielded:

Chryenth

Then consider that criticism revoked. I thought you wanted the blade going the other way. :P

Synbios

Weapon design proposal 2 for @Antidas:

The blackened steel blade of this dirk is fashioned similar to a miniature stiletto, with only the tip being sharpened. On the other end is a T-shaped pommel, which - combined with the dirk's lack of handle - gives the weapon an appearance of a push-pin. Only three inches in length, this weapon can easily be hidden in one's palm using the thumb, with minimal risk of accidental poisoning. 

Jonners

No dashes for the aside, use commas. Dashes totally draw your eye. Otherwise it looks ok to me. Also I don't think we have corkboards so I'm not sure we'd have push-pins either.

Synbios

Jonners said:

No dashes for the aside, use commas. Dashes totally draw your eye. Otherwise it looks ok to me. Also I don't think we have corkboards so I'm not sure we'd have push-pins either.

Pretty sure tailors use push-pins.

Chryenth

Looks good to me. I think the dashes work fine in pack of commas for this one.

Jonners

These, totally exist.

When you say push-pin I think of this, which doesn't seem right for Achaea.