Descriptions Wanted 1.0

Borran

Borran needs a description. I used to keep a description of every race in a file somewhere for my old gem of transmutation, but when I went looking for it, I accidentally grabbed someone else's description that was pretty close to my own. Apologies to the unnamed Raja.

Borran's Raja form was always like a white Lynx with dark fur on his hands, feet, the end of his tail, and the tips of his ears. I think I might change the dark fur on his hands to only his fingers and thumbs, though. I dunno. I could use some help putting together a description, though, if anyone cares to.

Chryenth

I'm going to need to find a 'Challenge Accepted' picture and save it somewhere.

ETA: Or just start charging.

Belid

Hello, I'm super new to Achaea, and MUD'ing in general, so I'm completely to any and all opinions and suggestions.

He is a human standing roughly six feet in height. His arms and legs are too long for his body, making him appear lanky and uncomfortable. His dark brown hair is swept back from the persistent brushing of his hand; not long enough to be tied back, but just long enough to be annoying. He has deep, forest green eyes that sparkle in any available light, reflecting his youth and jovial nature.

I pictured him as this gawky 18 year old, fresh into adulthood and his adult body.

Synbios

If it weren't for the swept-back dark brown hair, I could have sworn that I saw Ron Weasley in your description, @Belid.

Take no offense to that. It is merely an eldritch abomination's observation.

Daslin

He is a human, possessed of a lanky figure and tall stature. Deep, blue eyes reveal an ever-present
wariness that adds to his cautious and controlled bearing. Swept back across his head, a wave of
dark hair crests his noble profile. Around his left ear, where the hair has been shaved to a reveal
a dark tuft of scalp, a striking tattoo winds its inky way down his neck in a slash of deep colour.
Thick, boldface letters are inked on the knuckles of either hand in heavy strokes of black.
Complementary pinup style tattoos adorn the backs of each hand showing coquettish figures, one done
in striking red and embellished with gold flakes, and the other a work of smooth curving lines and
soft colours.

bad/good?

Cathy

Daslin said:

He is a human, possessed of a lanky figure and tall stature. Deep, blue eyes reveal an ever-present wariness that adds to his cautious and controlled bearing. Swept back across his head, a wave of dark hair crests his noble profile. Around his left ear, where the hair has been shaved to a reveal a dark tuft of scalp?, a striking tattoo winds its inky way down his neck in a slash of deep colour. Thick, boldface letters are inked on the knuckles of either hand in heavy strokes of blackDie, Bart, Die. Complementary pinup style tattoos adorn the backs of each hand showing coquettish figures, one done in striking red and embellished with gold flakes, and the other a work of smooth curving lines and soft colours.

bad/good?

Are you a transformer? Because it looks like your hands are mudflaps!

I like it in general though

Anedhel

Edit: Snip!

Cathy

Anedhel said:

Should use 'both' instead of 'either,' and you're missing a space in there, after black :O

'Tuft' should be changed to 'patch' or something not hair-related!

Looks good, otherwise!

ETA: Oh, might want to put something around Die, Bart, Die to illustrate it's verbatim. Also, while it makes sense to put the commas in there, are they actually tattooed on his hands?

I added those in, because it's like Sideshow Bob...

Anedhel

Oh!

My bad

Eld

What's a pinup-style tattoo?

Edit: Oops, trolled

Cathy

Eld said:

"Die, Bart, Die" across the knuckles makes me think you're some sort of cross between Sideshow Bob and Count Rugen from the Princess Bride. Is there actually someone named Bart IG that you want dead?

Also, what's a pinup-style tattoo?

The italics in that desc I added... You should try reading his desc in his post :P

Eld

Cathy said:

Eld said:

"Die, Bart, Die" across the knuckles makes me think you're some sort of cross between Sideshow Bob and Count Rugen from the Princess Bride. Is there actually someone named Bart IG that you want dead?

Also, what's a pinup-style tattoo?

The italics in that desc I added... You should try reading his desc in his post :P

Haha, oops. Edited.

Cathy

Eld said:

Cathy said:

Eld said:

"Die, Bart, Die" across the knuckles makes me think you're some sort of cross between Sideshow Bob and Count Rugen from the Princess Bride. Is there actually someone named Bart IG that you want dead?

Also, what's a pinup-style tattoo?

The italics in that desc I added... You should try reading his desc in his post :P

Haha, oops. Edited.

Don't worry, your wonderful post will survive in my quotes

Also, pinup-style tattoo would be a tattoo of a pinup model pose? Like heeeeyyyyy sexy laaady!

Eld

Ohhhh, right. In that case, doesn't really make sense in the context of Achaea, as the idea of pinups requires photography or some other sort of mass production of portraits, which don't exist IG. I would eliminate the pinup reference and just describe the tattoos.

Anedhel

Oh man, should get a tattoo of Triftee

Kei

Aside from tattoos being awesome and I think everyone should have more of them, I think I've removed all of the self-congratulatory purple prose I wrote when I was 13, finally. Although I rarely get any comments on it otherwise, does someone want to check my work here, please?

She is a human who stands just under 5'7" in height. Her hair is a stark platinum colour, straight
and down to her shoulder blades in length with her bangs long and pulled to one side and two bright
pink streaks dyed into it that run down her back. Upon her left leg, drawing from ankle to over her
hips, is a sprawling and twisting vine tattoo. Nestled among the thorns about her ankle is a vibrant
Forget-Me-Not, and the rest of the vines are dotted with red and white flowers all up the length of
her leg, eventually wrapping and cradling a bright blue diamond-shaped crystal upon the outside of
her thigh. Within the crystal rests a feminine figure with light silver scaled armour and hair
carrying a long spear in her left hand and a large, kite-shaped shield in her right, her head bowed
in reverence.

Cathy

What I know about how Kei looks for that description:

She has platinum hair, is 5'7", has a big tattoo on her leg...

I think you need to add in more about her, like her face, build etc. etc. etc.

Kei

Cathy said:

What I know about how Kei looks for that description:

She has platinum hair, is 5'7", has a big tattoo on her leg...

I think you need to add in more about her, like her face, build etc. etc. etc.

Hm! Fair enough -- lately I've been working with the idea that I have paragraphs and paragraphs to describe and introduce my character, so I go into probably needless detail at this point. I actually overran the description buffer at one point, and I sort of wish there were a different area I could describe her adornments (like RP tattoos) in detail without having to cram it all in there or keep a file where I show them off in emotes when someone asks. Maybe I should go ahead and simplify them down to their core concepts and add in those extra details in through RP and emotes after all, though.

I added a couple of sentences about her body in general terms, should I go into more detail there instead?

She is a human who stands just under 5'7" in height. Her hair is a stark
platinum colour, straight and down to her shoulder blades in length with her bangs long and pulled
to one side and two bright pink streaks dyed into it that run down her back. A pair of bright
crystal blue eyes, set into a slightly tanned face, peek out from under her hair. Her body is
likewise just slightly tanned, with toned and wiry muscles hidden under her decorated skin. Upon her
left leg, drawing from ankle to over her hips, is a sprawling and twisting vine tattoo. Nestled
among the thorns about her ankle is a vibrant Forget-Me-Not, and the rest of the vines are dotted
with red and white flowers all up the length of her leg, eventually wrapping and cradling a bright
blue diamond-shaped crystal upon the outside of her thigh. Within the crystal rests a feminine
figure with light silver scaled armour and hair carrying a long spear in her left hand and a large,
kite-shaped shield in her right, her head bowed in reverence.

Jiraishin

@Kei I feel your pain about details being invisible (for Jiraishin it is scars rather than tattoos), but the longer a description is, the less it is likely to be read, and I would recommend drastically cutting down the detail on Kei's tattoo. My personal rule of thumb is that the character's basic physical characteristics should be incorporated as succinctly as possible, and that additional details should never be longer than the basic description. I would summarize your tattoo description as something like "An elaborate tattoo covers her left leg."

This is what I know about Kei:
1. Average height (I think 5'7" is average, it might be on the tall side)
2. crystal-blue eyes
3. shoulder-length, straight platinum hair with two pink streaks down the back
4. lightly tanned skin
5. toned and wiry muscles
6: an elaborate (or colorful, or complicated, or intricate) tattoo covers her left leg from ankle to hip

Fit the above characteristics into sentences, add a bit of embellishment, maybe add something about her basic build or her manner, and you have all the ingredients you really need for a description. Small details like her bangs are better off emoted rather than written in. You can also save space by not separately describing her face and body as 'lightly tanned'.

Nylith

So I don't normally do this but any suggestions?

He is a human. Slumping slightly, he stands slightly taller than the average human. His wavy hair is dark brown and it sticks up every which way. His eyes are hazel and sit above his nose which slightly veers to the right at its end. His teeth, which are visible through his slightly ajar mouth, are stained a slight yellow color. Long arms dangle from broad shoulders and end in hands which are caked in dirt and consist of only nine fingers. Intricate runic tattoos adorn his arms completed in black ink which stands in contrast to his lighter skin.

Blujixapug

Nylith said:

So I don't normally do this but any suggestions?

He is a human. Slumping slightly, he stands slightly taller than the average human. His wavy hair is dark brown and it sticks up every which way. His eyes are hazel and sit above his nose which slightly veers to the right at its end. His teeth, which are visible through his slightly ajar mouth, are stained a slight yellow color. Long arms dangle from broad shoulders and end in hands which are caked in dirt and consist of only nine fingers. Intricate runic tattoos adorn his arms completed in black ink which stands in contrast to his lighter skin.

He is a human. His above-average height is concealed by his slumping posture. Wavy and dark, his unkempt hair is reminiscent of a bird's nest. His eyes are a hazel colour, underscored by dark circles, and his nose veers to the right at its crooked tip. A wispy fuzz of stubble graces his chin, and a glimpse of his teeth reveals their yellow tinge. His long arms are adorned with intricate runic tattoos, their black ink a contrast to his pale skin, and his hands are caked in grime, the (left) one missing its (index) finger.

Your description was pretty good to begin with. I tried to mix it up a little bit. I added and specified a couple of characteristics, just to fill it out a little bit. Feel free to chuck those out of course.

Details are good, stuff like a crooked nose, eye colour, what the tattoos look like, skin tone, or which of your fingers is missing. General traits don't really need to be described, as for example everyone has two eyes, and everyone's eyes, nose, and mouth are in the same place. You don't need to say "his eyes are above his nose" or "his arms grow from his shoulders" - unless you're specifying something out of the ordinary, like a crooked nose, or a vestigial third arm - because it can sound awkward, and people will assume those aspects of your character's appearance anyway.

Describing stuff like posture is debatable, as for example someone may be looking at you while you're asleep. It doesn't really matter as long as you avoid any really overt actions (eg. "he notices you looking at him and gives you a wink").

I prefer to avoid starting every sentence with "He..." "His..." "His...", "His...". I also dislike having multiple sentences in a row with the same structure. But those are just personal peeves of mine. It can be hard to jiggle sentences around to avoid those things, while maintaining good flow and sensible phrasing.

Kei

@Jiraishin, @Cathy, and everyone else who just took a look and didn't comment overtly, thank you. I cut out a lot from Kei's desc and added in other things, and I'll just have to get used to using a separate emote/text file/whatever with the specific details of her tattoos (and there are more coming, oh yes -- I'll shift more detail out when that happens). For now, I think this works out a little better, and her desc and clothing list are almost the same length now without wearing Taraus-levels of jewelery (<3 you @Taraus) I could probably add a few more details, but I think the basic idea comes across, no? I know there's still useless words, but I feel like I made some progress here.

She is a human who stands just under 5'7" in height. Stark platinum hair runs down her back, straight and down to her shoulder blades in length with two bright pink streaks dyed into it. A pair of bright crystal blue eyes peek out of a sharply defined face, and a lightly tanned body sets the canvas for her decorated skin, her build slight and athletically slender with toned and wiry muscles hidden below the surface. Upon her left leg, drawing over every inch of skin from ankle to waist, rests an intricate and twisting vine tattoo, capped off with a bright blue crystal with a figure inside.

To try and give back just a tiny bit, I agree that while repeated sentences starting with 'his/her/he/she.,..' sound a little stilted, and I specifically try to avoid that, it's not incorrect -- that said, I can't do a whole lot better than @Blujixapug already did with @Nylith's, except to say that it could be possible to link a sentence in with the racial line, such as "He is a human of above-average height, but a (casual/relaxed/apathetic/resigned/...) slump conceals the bulk of his stature." Although I will admit that it almost entirely hinges on my preference for not using 'is' a lot, e.g. "A veritable bird's nest of wavy dark hair crowns his head." -- linking it metaphorically to a bird's nest implies unkempt or at least wild and tangled, to me, but maybe not to anyone else. But that's just picking at nits. If I were to apply all of that, my version would look something like..

He is a human of above-average height, but a casual slump conceals the bulk of his statue. A veritable bird's nest of wavy dark hair crowns his head. Two dark circles underscore his hazel eyes, while his nose veers sharply to the right at its crooked tip. A wispy fuzz of stubble graces his chin under a mouth of yellow-tinged teeth. His gorilla-like arms are adorned with intricate runic tattoos, dark ink marking angry lines in pale skin, while dirt and grime cake his his hands, the left one missing its index finger at the knuckle.

Ever so slightly more purple than Blu's. In the end, six of one, half a dozen of the other. The important parts being that it gets across the point and is easy to read, and Blu's is perfectly that too. (I'm pretty sure it's a distinction of active/passive voice, but as soon as I say that someone's going to correct me. Plus I just wanted to practice writing more descriptions to make mine better )

Nim

I dunno if this is the place for it, but does anyone have any tips for describing voices?

While I appreciate the minimalism of voices, it's somehow beyond me to describe them at all let alone in so few words.

Saeva

Well, some people's voices are shrill...gentle...annoyingly quiet... obnoxiously loud...raspy..gravelly..high pitch...deep...hoarse... all sorts of ways to think of voices.

Cathy

Saeva said:

Well, some people's voices are shrill...gentle...annoyingly quiet... obnoxiously loud...raspy..gravelly..high pitch...deep...hoarse... all sorts of ways to think of voices.

set voice an annoyingly quiet
whisper He..o Sa....

Saeva

Cathy said:

Saeva said:

Well, some people's voices are shrill...gentle...annoyingly quiet... obnoxiously loud...raspy..gravelly..high pitch...deep...hoarse... all sorts of ways to think of voices.

set voice an annoyingly quiet
whisper He..o Sa....

hahah I hate it!

Taraus

Kei said:

Taraus-levels of jewelery (<3 you @Taraus) </p>

I have a reputation to uphold! If people look at Tart and don't have to 'more', I feel like I'm letting them down.

ALSO,
With regards to voice and accents, I find it far more engaging/realistic/palatable to set a neutral, base voice/accent, and just augment with the use of expressiveness.

Daslin

@Taraus not once have I had to type MORE to see all of your stuff...

config pagelength 100000000. :P

Nim

Taraus said:

With regards to voice and accents, I find it far more engaging/realistic/palatable to set a neutral, base voice/accent, and just augment with the use of expressiveness.

I guess I fundamentally agree with this, but I'm still lost at how to convey someone's voice like this. Caricaturization seems like the easier approach, but I don't picture Nim as having an especially unusual voice, and it's hard to think of words that fall under the "neutral, base voice" category rather than the "expressions" category.

Eld

Nim said:

Taraus said:

With regards to voice and accents, I find it far more engaging/realistic/palatable to set a neutral, base voice/accent, and just augment with the use of expressiveness.

I guess I fundamentally agree with this, but I'm still lost at how to convey someone's voice like this. Caricaturization seems like the easier approach, but I don't picture Nim as having an especially unusual voice, and it's hard to think of words that fall under the "neutral, base voice" category rather than the "expressions" category.

If there's nothing particularly unusual about it, is it necessary to set a voice at all?