Descriptions Wanted 1.0

Averi

I'm not a fan of the really long word heavy writing style because it comes unnaturally to me.  Usually, I don't read anything longer than 5 sentences because I have the attention span of a skittish puppy.  Most of my clothing and jewelry designs are about three lines long.  While it isn't my style exactly, I know a lot of people do appreciate the amount of detail, sentence structure, and her word choice. Although we are complete opposites stylistically, I still have the highest opinion of her work.

In short, I try not to critique people's work unless they ask for it.  I don't think it's particularly fair to them otherwise. And besides, a difference in style brings diversity as well and that is always awesome. 

Saeva

"Despite the sheer, fluctuating miasma surrounding her eyes but never lurking past her ears, each eye's pupil..."

Never lurking past her ears? What does that even mean? I have to ask.

Lyosha

He is a tiger-like rajamala. Petite and fine-boned, he stands five feet and four inches tall, his slight stature hinting at an equally lacking weight whilst the rest of him declares androgyny, loud and proud. Indeed, there are whispers of femininity here and there, present in the high cheekbones and pert nose; the flaring hips and the way he wears his white-blond mane, unbound and waist-length. His eyes are the color of undistilled whiskey, a feral amber flecked with grey, standing out in stark relief against the intricate, dazzling patterns of his fur: ebon squiggles and dots and stripes worn amongst a backdrop of gleaming, well-groomed silver.

Lyosha's desc. Hack away, please.

Averi

@Lyosha

ooo. I like it. Just a few small points I think.  

Petite and fine-boned, he stands five feet and four inches tall, [His slight stature hinting at an equally lacking weight whilst the rest of him declares androgyny, loud and proud.]   This sentence is sort of long/run on-y. The second part, the one I put in brackets doesn't really add much that wasn't stated in the first part.  

Although you used the word androgyny, most of your adjectives lean towards stereotypically feminine such as fine-boned, petite, slight, high cheekbones, pert nose, flaring hair.  There are no adjectives that lean towards the masculine-ness.  Because of your word choice, the following bracketed phrase can also be removed and the rest of it restructured. [...are whispers of femininity here and there], present ...

Overall, I fairly like it because it speaks of both his physical points as well as his mannerism and I feel like it conjures a picture of your character pretty well.  

Btw, I love your sig. That's one of my favourite quotes.

Lyosha

@Averi Thank you

Verrucht

Lyosha said:

He is a tiger-like rajamala. Petite and fine-boned, he stands five feet and four inches tall, his slight stature hinting at an equally lacking weight whilst the rest of him declares androgyny, loud and proud. Indeed, there are whispers of femininity here and there, present in the high cheekbones and pert nose; the flaring hips and the way he wears his white-blond mane, unbound and waist-length. His eyes are the color of undistilled whiskey, a feral amber flecked with grey, standing out in stark relief against the intricate, dazzling patterns of his fur: ebon squiggles and dots and stripes worn amongst a backdrop of gleaming, well-groomed silver.

Lyosha's desc. Hack away, please.

So, this might be kind of minimal/petty overall - but the bolded makes no sense. Undistilled whiskey is not whiskey, it's mash.  Not trying to be overly critical, it just strikes me really poorly.

Edit: Maybe you mean undiluted whiskey? Like a cask strength so it'd be darker than regular whiskey? I'm not sure where you're going with it, but at least that would make sense.

Maefeng

Averi said:

I'm not a fan of the really long word heavy writing style because it comes unnaturally to me.  Usually, I don't read anything longer than 5 sentences because I have the attention span of a skittish puppy.  Most of my clothing and jewelry designs are about three lines long.  While it isn't my style exactly, I know a lot of people do appreciate the amount of detail, sentence structure, and her word choice. Although we are complete opposites stylistically, I still have the highest opinion of her work.

In short, I try not to critique people's work unless they ask for it.  I don't think it's particularly fair to them otherwise. And besides, a difference in style brings diversity as well and that is always awesome. 

@Averi > Thanks, Averi! I refer people to you on the occasion that someone comes to me with a commission that I feel would be better off in your care. As I've told you, you do wonderful descriptive work; however, I apologize for not telling you that I am proud of you. You are building your collection at a good pace, I believe. I adore Averi's style of designing, what with its whimsical fancy and its use of unusual aspects. Keep up the great work! ya!

Maefeng

Kei said:

@Maefeng I'm writing this quickly before work, so I apologize if it's a little rushed, but I wanted to give you the explanation you requested.

What I mean by self-congratulatory purple prose is text written in such a way as to make the writer/written subject seem like the most awesome, beautiful, desirable, strong, fast, witty, and/or insert-adjective-here X that ever existed. Am I correct in my summation of your description? Maybe not, I'll be frank and say I didn't read through it all in detail because it was too long, and I didn't recognize it as yours either. I just caught out a few key words and made a general statement to the effect of "In my experience, overly long, adjective-laden descriptions don't get read". I should not have posted without actually reading the entire thing in detail and giving an honest and constructive critique, I'm sorry.

Should I have used "adjective-laden wall of text" instead of "self-congratulatory purple prose"? Probably, and I will take the blame for that.

In any case, my sincere apologies if I offended you (or indeed anyone else), but I will stand by my opinion that it is far too long and including far too many details that seem to serve only to use adjectives and accentuate everything as amazing and perfect. I suppose there's nothing inherently wrong with that, I just don't like it, I used to do it, and my current circle of writing friends agree it's just not as effective at conveying ideas.

ETA: And what I meant by the 'ERP description' comment was that I found it extremely odd to walk around with BWH measurements and such in the description, it seems like a thing someone would only care about in a more intimate setting -- I'm not going to be measuring you, especially under a suit of fieldplate, whenever I look at you.

@Kei > Thank you for your opinion. I for one can estimate lengths and weights of things at a distance. Maefeng wears a falconry glove most of the time, leaving her other hand exposed (nails). She also wears open-toed shoes, but I refrained from mentioning her toenails for the simple fact that she will switch into and out of combat boots once she learns how to fight better. Additionally, I left the majority of her face up to interpretation. Speaking of interpretation, not everyone likes large-busted women, or fit women. Furthermore, she is a Siren, and, although not all Sirens are "well-endowed," Sirens stereotypically are curvy. I made her be athletic and well-endowed, which is something that is very hard to obtain IRL and usually requires a mix of microdieting (if that's a word --- kind of like "micromanaging") and genetics. Also, Maefeng doesn't wear armour all the time.

I completely agree with your final statement, however.

Taraus

Maefeng said:

wordswordslotsofquotes

The point of a description is to convey what someone -sees- when they look at a thing; not what they think, nor feel. Just so we're clear, it seems like you took my post as a personal insult when it wasn't, but an opinion & comment on writing style - that's why I specifically left your name out of it. I, myself, used to be guilty of writing overly-long descriptive things, and have since discovered that it tends to read better if its shorter, and more succinct -- especially in Achaea, where the imagination is so very critical in RP. I prefer vague suggestions interspersed with concrete details, and let my character decide how she'll react to it.

-------------------------------
An example, I'll play with your desc:

She is a beautiful siren, (would finish this sentence off with a vague reference to overall height. Not comparing to other races or your own, but a stand-alone reference that lets the viewer know how tall you are). She possesses the classic hourglass figure, the toned form of her feminine physique hinting at an athletic strength. Maefeng's features seem to display a distinctive, regal cast, right down to the tips of her carefully manicured, multi-hued fingernails; her poise and posture exude an aura of regality, a youthful vigour balanced by an air of surety. Her crimson locks fall well past her shoulders in a shimmering, well-kept cascade, the radiant tresses highlighted with streaks of cerise. Perhaps most striking are her argent eyes, perpetually veiled in a hazy miasma that flickers with each flutter of her eyelids, the brightest colour visible in the diaphanous mist is the piercing vermilion of her pupils.


---------

For lulz, my own: Still not content with it, it changes all the time - not the appearance, but the wording.

She is a beautiful siren. Standing just a shade under six foot, her willowy frame boasts generous feminine curves, her deeply bronzed skin belying long hours spent beneath the sun. Wide ebon eyes dominate her countenance, the intense, colourless gaze countered by her easy grin. Brassy copper locks tumble past her shoulders in a wild tangle of curls and braids, her silken tresses shot through with fiery streaks of orange and red. Adorned with a myriad piercings, baubles and bells, her every motion is heralded by a faint metallic jingle. Glimpses of a massive tattoo can be seen as her clothing shifts; a seething nest of tentacles rests between her shoulders, with appendages radiating out and wrapping around her left leg, her right arm, her midriff and her throat in a palette of blues, blacks and purples. A bestial scar spans the length of her left forearm, and more tattoos decorate the irregular, ruined flesh - a palm-sized tattoo of a sparrow in flight over a setting sun, and calligraphy encircling her wrist, 'Mad, Bad and Dangerous to Know'. Hosted between these two is the Mark of the Twin, the deeply carved 'II' long-healed. She is redolent of rum, sea air and the faint tang of citrus, and the perpetual sound and sparkle turn the gypsy into a swaggering ornament.

I faff constantly with the tattoo descs, trying to describe without being reduntant. If someone can come up with a less-chunkier method of describing all that ink, then yay!

Anedhel

I don't mean to be nit-picky, but this is something I've seen in a ton of descriptions, and it kind of gets to me. Unless you quite literally mean your character's waist is waifish, how does someone manage to be willowy -and- curvy? Perhaps you're using it to define something I'm unaware of (I've always assumed willowy to mean tall and thin), but isn't that expression a bit of a contradiction?

I'm sorry you're the one being called out on it- I have nothing against your description, specifically. It's just that that specific contradiction pops up in so many women's descriptions, and it bugs me.

ETA: Morning words are hard.

Antonius

I've been contemplating reincarnating to dwarf now and then to hunt in lesserform, and figured I'd need a description if I did ever decide to do so. Here it is:

He is a <something> dwarf and has an imposing presence, despite his diminutive height. Standing about four feet tall this dwarf is barrel-chested with thick, muscular limbs. His features are disguised somewhat by thick, dark hair, of an indeterminate colour, that covers his neck and the lower half of his face. A large nose and reddish cheeks give him an almost jovial appearance that is not matched by the intense, cold stare of his grey eyes. The top of his head is covered in long, unkempt black hair that falls around his face and almost covers the seemingly permanent frown-lines that crease his brow.

Not entirely sure about that third sentence. I'm thinking I should change "disguised" to "obscured" or "hidden", and there's probably a better way to describe the colour - it's dark, but it's not exactly black or dark brown, probably a mixture of the two.

Sybilla

@Antonius - "concealed" or "obscured" would work fine, disguised makes it sound (to me) like he's sporting some kind of beard camouflage!

I'd put a comma after "Standing about four feet tall," and remove the commas after "dark hair" and "of an indeterminate colour". As for the shade, you could try going for dark woods to convey it, like chestnut or mahogany (though they're more reddish and might not be quite what you're after).

There's also something to do with using "which" instead of "that", but I'm foreign and I never really learned how it's properly done. Will have to look that up.

Lyosha

@Antonius, what vibes do you want your desc to exude?

Lyosha

He is a dwarf and maintains, in spite of his diminutive height, an imposing presence, built solidly, barrel-chested with thick, muscular limbs. The majority of his visage is almost always hidden from sight, courtesy of long, unkempt falls of black hair; and so the average eye is often rendered blind to what goes on behind the tangled curtain of ebon: the large nose and ruddy cheeks that lend to his image a certain gaiety when visible and the intense, cold stare which they conflict with. Also, the seemingly permanent frown-lines that crease his brow.
Ugh. I'm not happy with this edit at all ._. Ack. I'm notorious for abusing semicolons and run-on sentences, especially in my writing, because I guess that's just how my mind flows but some people like it, some people don't, except I don't write for them so you know what, ya'll can just stick your disapproval right up—see what I mean? It's not that I'm bad with transitioning .. okay, I'll stop, lol.
I think the biggest struggle I had with this was seeing Antonius as a dwarf. I've never RP'ed with you [sadface] but when in Mhaldor, one tends to hear stories and deathsights. Of course, regardless, there's the name Antonius which, all by itself, screams badass. So I was always/still sort of am scared sh!tless of him/you, lol. Like, I wanna giggle at the idea of dwarf Antonius but dwarf or not, he's still Antonius so there still exists the very real fear of being smited

Taraus

Anedhel said:

I don't mean to be nit-picky, but this is something I've seen in a ton of descriptions, and it kind of gets to me. Unless you quite literally mean your character's waist is waifish, how does someone manage to be willowy -and- curvy? Perhaps you're using it to define something I'm unaware of (I've always assumed willowy to mean tall and thin), but isn't that expression a bit of a contradiction?

I'm sorry you're the one being called out on it- I have nothing against your description, specifically. It's just that that specific contradiction pops up in so many women's descriptions, and it bugs me.

ETA: Morning words are hard.

agreed on the ETA, for sure

And the contradiction is deliberate, it's sort of a ... I don't know, humorous aspect that my character happens to possess? I can't think of another way to put it that makes sense, it's sort of a tongue-in-cheek perpetual joke that exists around her, and I've struggled with trying to accurately describe and peg without being overly blatant about it. All of her -is- willowy, slender, skinny, waifish, whatever -- except for her chest, which is comically large and deliberately overplayed, but I'm not particularly keen on specifically pointing out 'lol her boobs r huge', so I made a vague reference to it in sweeping terms. All ears if you've got a better suggestion on how to word/achieve this.

Lyosha

when someone starts talking about their bust in their desc, i run the other way because boobs are gross.

Amanu

Yeah, oddly weird how some people describe their bust. All for good looks but having certain areas sound like they're hiding twenty coconuts makes me facepalm every time.

Endros

So, I'm kinda new around here and figured I'd see what anyone else thought before actually making this my description.

He is a winged Atavian. Tall and slender with the slightest stoop in his bony shoulders, he stands head and shoulders above the average Human. Voluminous white wings envelop his body like a cloak, their delicately groomed black-tipped feathers twitching lightly in the breeze, obscuring much of his body. His face is dominated by a sharp hooked nose, above which sit a pair of piercing blue eyes alight with curiosity. Perfectly straight inky hair falls about his head, cut precisely to shoulder length. His pale skin, scrawny arms and long, carefully manicured fingernails speak of one unaccustomed to the rigours of outdoors. 

I'm pretty uncertain about... all of it really but it's what I've come up with. Thoughts anyone?

Anedhel

Rigours of the outdoors, I should think.

Coeur

Good stuff @Endros ..now I'm waiting to see you get a scar, tattoo or other cool duds as you stick around! (descriptions often evolve with the character, I find)

Sena

She is a winged atavian with a slim frame, halfway between five and six feet tall. She has a feminine form, except her chest, which is actually quite boyish. If this were the sort of description that told you how you react to things, it would now make you blush and look elsewhere, and even though it's not. Seriously, the girl's beautiful in general - not that you have to agree, but, again, seriously, stop staring at her chest. If you were. Good. As I was saying, she has an amazing tan, hinting - if you'll accept hints - that she might be some sort of islander. She's even got an exotic form of hetereochromia where one of her eyes is cherry red and the other seems to have vanished. Her neck-length hair almost matches her eye, although it's crimson, if you must know. Her wings are pretty big on her, covered in feathers of a deep, dark brown.

Kyrra

@Sena, I've seen a few descriptions like that and they make me cringe.

Cynlael

Need more descriptions like that in game. 10/10.

Invictus

He is a human that stands at approximately six feet tall and sports the slender build of a seasoned warrior. Tending towards the narrow, his face is framed by dark chestnut coloured hair. The sides of his hair taper down his head into narrow sideburns that neatly mirror his jawline to mesh into a goatee. Two large greenish-blue eyes, reminiscent of the colour of the frozen sea gaze confidently from his tanned face, abosorbing his surroundings. Parallel with his captivating eyes and his thick eyebrows, a pair of ample lips sit below a slender nose. 

--

Any suggestions? Additions? What have you.

Dakotah

I'm probably going to end up with a ton of suggestions  and I've never messed with it since joining but I saw this thread and now I'm interested. My grammar sucks, I tend to have to go over everything a couple of times so bear with me! 

My description:

She is a tiger-like rajamala. Large, bright blue eyes dominate her dignified face, her silver fur is streaked with black, flowing down to the tip of her delicate nose, back from her eyes and up towards her ears, trailing off to fine lines. Pointed, alert ears, poke out from under a head of shoulder-length, gently curling black hair, and are spotted with black and matched by a similar pattern at the tip of her tail. Her figure is small and lithe, her curves defined by her slender waist. Her mannerisms are graceful and confident.

--

Suggestions? Comments? Advice?

Jhaeli

Invictus said:

He is a human. Standing six feet tall, he sports a slender, yet muscular build. His narrow face is framed by dark chestnut hair, which tapers into sideburns that mirror his jawline neatly to mesh into a goatee. Two large greenish-blue eyes, reminiscent of the colour of the frozen sea, gaze confidently from his tanned face, absorbing his surroundings. Below captivating eyes and thick eyebrows, a pair of ample lips sit below a slender nose. 

This is how I would tweak what you have! Take what you will from it. 

Dakotah said:

My description:

She is a tiger-like rajamala. Silver fur covers her small and lithe figure, with a slender waist and defined curves. Large, bright blue eyes dominate her dignified face above a delicate nose, while streaks of ebon fur flow past her eyes and up towards her ears, trailing off to fine lines. Pointed, alert ears poke out from under a head of shoulder-length, curly black hair, and are spotted with black, matched by a similar pattern at the tip of her tail. She carries herself with graceful and confident movement.

A quick tweaking. Again, take what you will from my suggestions! Overall, it's pretty good. 

And while I'm not really looking for suggestions, here's mine for comparison:

She is a graceful tsol'aa, carrying herself with an air of elegance despite the steel covering her body. A tall, svelte woman, the fine silk-like strands of her dark auburn hair have been tightly braided into a long queue, wound around her head and neatly pinned into place. Her oval face features golden amber eyes creased with age and a pert nose dusted with the faintest of freckles. Dark sanguine sigils mar the otherwise sun-kissed flesh of her forehead and cheeks, though they have begun to fade. The occasional slip reveals a Northern accent, all but forgotten.

Hanley

Reading these reminds me that I have to change my description since Hanley is now an Atavian and not a Tsol'aa.

Invictus

Jhaeli said:

Invictus said:

He is a human. Standing six feet tall, he sports a slender, yet muscular build. His narrow face is framed by dark chestnut hair, which tapers into sideburns that mirror his jawline neatly to mesh into a goatee. Two large greenish-blue eyes, reminiscent of the colour of the frozen sea, gaze confidently from his tanned face, absorbing his surroundings. Below captivating eyes and thick eyebrows, a pair of ample lips sit below a slender nose. 

This is how I would tweak what you have! Take what you will from it.

Thanks, I was curious to what you may suggest I could add to it though. I know descriptions should be pretty short, and when they are pages long no one tends to read past the first four or five sentences. I think I'd like at least two or three more lines, just don't have any idea what I would describe now!

Jhaeli

@Invictus Think about what you notice most about a person and go from there. For me, I tend to do height, overall build, how they carry themselves, facial features, then anything particularly distinguishing. Sometimes, you need to give it some time to accumulate the latter. (For example, the sigils on Jhaeli's face are a result of something that happened in-game.) Or you could look at what your character does and go from there. I know that Invictus is a combatant, so you might add in callused hands. And finally, you can always go into greater detail with what you already have.

He is a human. Standing six feet tall, he sports a slender, yet muscular build. Tied back by a simple leather thong, dark chestnut hair frames his narrow face while long sideburns join with a well-groomed goatee. Reminiscent of the colour of the frozen sea, a pair of large, captivating eyes gaze confidently at his surroundings, topping a slender nose and ample lips. His hands are well-callused with a deep scar across the palm of the right. He carries himself with a stoic, yet calm air and his voice is a low rumble in his chest when he speaks.

A few more additions in there as examples. Just remember that descriptions can evolve and you can always tweak it again as the fancy hits you. 

Darktalon

Huh saw this and realized I had no idea at all what my description was. Need to redo it, clearly -

He is a horned satyr and is roughly six feet in height, though his slightly curled ivory colored horns add a few more inches as they jut through his hair. The shining, well kept, black hair hangs loose, brushing the tops of his shoulders, a streak of bright red cutting through black mass on the left side. Small, pointed ears peak through the strands. Almond shaped eyes, dark green and flecked with silver, gaze out from a weathered face. The skin a deep brown color, showing a few small scars and evidence of much time spent within nature's fickle embrace. His body is lean, well muscled and very fit, numerous scars marring the brown flesh of his torso. A large hawk tattoo, the beast a
brilliant red and gold has been inscribed on his right shoulder, the bird in flight with talons flashing. His legs are covered in a dark black hair, soft and thick, covered strong legs that end in ivory colored hooves.