I've done a lot of critique, but I don't think I've ever actually posted my description in one of these threads. So....
She is a human; a voluptuous slip of a woman standing perhaps an inch or two above five feet. Her pallid complexion seems awash with algid luminescence, ghostly and insubstantial against the comparative darkness of her surroundings. Large, round eyes, framed sumptuously by ebon lashes, have been generously lined in black, causing their chocolate irises to smoulder against the high cheekbones upon which they rest. An eerie, sanguineous third eye crowns her brow, resting at the apex of her forehead, where it glances about independently, its movements laden with preternatural perception. Her pert, aristocratic nose sits regally at the centre of her heart-shaped face, complementing the full, rose-brushed lips that perch above her chin. Her long, lustrous, raven tresses have been coiled elegantly into a low chignon at the base of her skull. Twin haircombs of platinum and black pearl have been tucked into her locks, securing the mass of hair in place. A diamond-capped platinum bar pierces the flesh between each vertebra from the nape of her neck to the small of her back, tracing her spine in a decadent ladder that glistens wildly against the matte expanse of her snow-white flesh. Her impeccable posture serves to augment her imperious airs, and her movements are fluid, characterised by the chic nonchalance that is the boon of fashionable inebriation. The Mark of the Twin, 'II', has been etched into her left forearm, the scars long-healed and pearlescent.
Before I get the, "ZOMG SO MUCH SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE" comments, let me just say that there are RP reasons behind the third eye, the spinal ladder, and the Mark of the Twin, about which anyone may ask me in the game. The hairstyle changes with frequency, and I'll add in other modifications, such as Amu's smattering of tattoos, as clothing choices reveal them. I try to write event descriptions for every formal event I attend, as well. I have way too much fun with it. It's like playing with Barbies, but in text.
My avatar is an image created by this very talented gentleman, of whose work I am extremely jealous. It was not originally a picture of Amunet, but it certainly looks a great deal like how I envision her!
Is it really all that bad to add ones clothing into their description? If you want people to see that it's worn a certain way, hinting at something beneath or something?
As long as it isn't redundant, and you actually change your description whenever you remove/change the clothing it mentions, it should be fine. Most people who include clothes in their description don't bother changing it when they aren't actually wearing those clothes.
He is a mhun. He stands at an unremarkable 6 feet tall. His black hair is long and unkempt, pulled carelessly behind his head for the sole purpose of keeping it out of his face. His face is tan and leathery only brightened by emerald-green eyes. Thick, black stubble frames a shy smile that always decorates his face. He has unnaturally broad shoulders that support disproportionately large arms with all the hair singed off. His hands are very strong and rough, marred by an abundance of burns and faded scars. A barrel-shaped chest and solid core mount his plain, yet sturdy legs.
Peak, did you take the 'standard' mhun description, and try to make yours as unlike that as possible? You could have made him a few inches taller, and with blonde hair, if you were going for that. :P
He is a mhun. He stands at an unremarkable 6 feet tall. His black hair is long and unkempt, pulled carelessly behind his head for the sole purpose of keeping it out of his face. His face is tan and leathery only brightened by emerald-green eyes. Thick, black stubble frames a shy smile that always decorates his face. He has unnaturally broad shoulders that support disproportionately large arms with all the hair singed off. His hands are very strong and rough, marred by an abundance of burns and faded scars. A barrel-shaped chest and solid core mount his plain, yet sturdy legs.
This is me. Any good barbers?
1. 6 feet is not unremarkable on a mhun 2. "His face is tan and leathery only brightened by emerald green eyes"-- rewrite this to not use 'only'. 3. A shy smile -always- decorates his face? That seems a little strange. 4. Why are his legs plain?
________________________ The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."
(Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
She is a human; a voluptuous slip of a woman standing perhaps an inch or two above five feet[1]. Her pallid complexion seems awash with algid luminescence, ghostly and insubstantial against the comparative darkness of her surroundings[2]. Large, round eyes, framed sumptuously by ebon lashes, have been generously lined in black, causing their chocolate irises to smoulder against the high cheekbones upon which they rest. An eerie, sanguineous third eye crowns her brow, resting at the apex of her forehead, where it glances about independently, its movements laden with preternatural perception. Her pert, aristocratic nose sits regally at the centre of her heart-shaped face, complementing the full, rose-brushed lips that perch above her chin. Her long, lustrous, raven tresses have been coiled elegantly into a low chignon at the base of her skull. Twin haircombs of platinum and black pearl have been tucked into her locks, securing the mass of hair in place. A diamond-capped platinum bar pierces the flesh between each vertebra from the nape of her neck to the small of her back, tracing her spine in a decadent ladder that glistens wildly against the matte expanse of her snow-white flesh. Her impeccable posture serves to augment her imperious airs, and her movements are fluid, characterised by the chic nonchalance that is the boon of fashionable inebriation[3]. The Mark of the Twin, 'II', has been etched into her left forearm, the scars long-healed and pearlescent.
1. That semicolon conjugates oddly. If the second clause is dependent, consider commas instead. "She is a human, a voluptuous slip of a woman, standing perhaps an inch or two above five feet." 2. Are the character's surroundings always dark? If the "surroundings" refer to the description that follows, it can be stated outright: "ghostly and insubstantial against her otherwise dark features." 3. "Fashionable inebriation" bothers me; perhaps it assumes too much of the reader and the character. It could probably end on "characterised by a chic nonchalance" without losing anything.
I'm fairly sure @Delphinus knew what I meant, and he's just being pedantic. He has a point about the semi-colon, admittedly, but a comma just doesn't sit right, and altering the clause to add a complete sentence after the stock period doesn't flow very well, so until I can quit waffling between the two, it remains.
Amu is pale. Painfully so. So pale that by comparison, even snow seems a bit lackluster. Over time, her complexion became a bit of a joke between Imyrr and I, as did my florid, descriptive style of writing, which I have tried to tone down when writing my public appearance, lest I face questions like this from people who prefer a narrative that is somewhat more Hemingway-esque. My one nod to fanciful description, thus, is used to describe her paleness. And, like the semi-colon, it isn't going anywhere for the foreseeable future.
Being drunk is definitely a fashion in the Occultists. Anyone who doesn't understand the concept of "fashionable inebriation" needs to go read the work of John Wilmot, or Byron, or Rimbaud, or read Auntie Mame, or watched any costume drama featuring a rake and a fair amount of debauchery. As for those who would argue that Amunet can't possibly be drunk -all- of the time...well, come into Fire and Spice. If there isn't a drink in her hand, it usually means something is very wrong.
My avatar is an image created by this very talented gentleman, of whose work I am extremely jealous. It was not originally a picture of Amunet, but it certainly looks a great deal like how I envision her!
@Amunet: I absolutely get that it's fashionable in some circles, which is why I didn't dispute that point. It's more that it assumes the reader is part of those circles, or at least has an intimate knowledge of them. Write for the (lettered) layman, not for the Occultist.
And please don't ask for critique if you're just going to wave it away. This thread isn't for showing off; it's for genuine fine-tuning. I respect you too much as a writer to offer anything less than the honest truth, especially when prompted for it.
As far as the semicolon goes, a colon would work as well. You'd probably still want a comma after "woman," or else it'll feel rushed when spoken aloud.
He is a mhun. He stands at an unremarkable 6 feet tall. His black hair is long and unkempt, pulled carelessly behind his head for the sole purpose of keeping it out of his face. His face is tan and leathery only brightened by emerald-green eyes. Thick, black stubble frames a shy smile that always decorates his face. He has unnaturally broad shoulders that support disproportionately large arms with all the hair singed off. His hands are very strong and rough, marred by an abundance of burns and faded scars. A barrel-shaped chest and solid core mount his plain, yet sturdy legs.
This is me. Any good barbers?
1. 6 feet is not unremarkable on a mhun 2. "His face is tan and leathery only brightened by emerald green eyes"-- rewrite this to not use 'only'. 3. A shy smile -always- decorates his face? That seems a little strange. 4. Why are his legs plain?
For the sake of argument, 6 feet is only -not- unremarkable for a mhun if it is just as unusual on a human, as mhun are "of human size." Mhun, as far as I can tell, aren't dwarfed humans. They're just generally slimmer ones.
Mhun, according to 'help mhun', are no shorter than humans, but the denizen descriptions do have them as slightly shorter. I would say that 6 feet is not unremarkable for a human either. Not that uncommon, but also tall enough to be remarked upon.
________________________ The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."
(Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
He is a mhun. He stands at an unremarkable 6 feet tall. His black hair is long and unkempt, pulled carelessly behind his head for the sole purpose of keeping it out of his face. His face is tan and leathery only brightened by emerald-green eyes. Thick, black stubble frames a shy smile that always decorates his face. He has unnaturally broad shoulders that support disproportionately large arms with all the hair singed off. His hands are very strong and rough, marred by an abundance of burns and faded scars. A barrel-shaped chest and solid core mount his plain, yet sturdy legs.
This is me. Any good barbers?
1. 6 feet is not unremarkable on a mhun 2. "His face is tan and leathery only brightened by emerald green eyes"-- rewrite this to not use 'only'. 3. A shy smile -always- decorates his face? That seems a little strange. 4. Why are his legs plain?
1. Started off as a troll; reincarnated and didn't bother changing.
2. I'm not so sure I have a problem with this.
3. I forgot I was smiling, I will change this forthrightly.
4. You will TIMEOUT in 1 minute unless you do something.
Mhun, according to 'help mhun', are no shorter than humans, but the denizen descriptions do have them as slightly shorter. I would say that 6 feet is not unremarkable for a human either. Not that uncommon, but also tall enough to be remarked upon.
If you just said 'He stands at 6 feet tall' I wouldn't find it remarkable, it's more that you had to state it. 6 feet isn't that uncommon, but if someone were giving a description to the police they would remember that the person was tall.
________________________ The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."
(Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
I appreciate any and all constructive criticisms. Thank you.
He is a horned satyr and though standing at only around the height of a mountain lion at the
shoulders, his cracking, gnarled horns twist into the air almost a foot above his head. His left
growth juts from his skull spinning wildly into itself like a ram's antlers yet his right twirls for
not half the length and has been severed and blunted. Dark, hazel eyes attentively track item to
item in the area from under his bushy black eyebrows. Fixed in the middle of his youthful face is a
broad, ridged nose which appears to have been broken and mended several times. Thick tufts of coal-black hair nearly blend into his swarthy complexion, meandering from all sides of his face before roping into a neatly braided beard. Reaching out from either side of his suit of finely polished plate armor, his thick, fur-covered arms appear to only cease growing hair where they are branded across the wrists. Crudely seared into his flesh, twin escarbuncles within a border adorn them, the mark of all Mhaldorian slaves. A pair of shorn and well-kept hooves serve as the base for his muscular legs, bent backwards and covered in coarse coal-black fur.
I appreciate any and all constructive criticisms. Thank you.
He is a horned satyr and though standing at only around the height of a mountain lion[1] at the
shoulders, his cracking, gnarled horns twist into the air almost a foot above his head. His left
growth juts from his skull spinning wildly into itself like a ram's antlers yet his right twirls for
not half the length and has been severed and blunted. Dark, hazel eyes attentively track item to
item in the area from under his bushy black eyebrows. Fixed in the middle of his youthful face is a
broad, ridged nose which appears to have been broken and mended several times[2]. Thick tufts of coal-black hair nearly blend into his swarthy complexion, meandering from all sides of his face before roping into a neatly braided beard. Reaching out from either side of his suit of finely polished plate armor[3], his thick, fur-covered arms appear to only cease growing hair where they are branded across the wrists. Crudely seared into his flesh, twin escarbuncles within a border adorn them, the mark of all Mhaldorian slaves. A pair of shorn and well-kept hooves serve as the base for his muscular legs, bent backwards[4] and covered in coarse coal-black fur.
Notes on the bolded parts:
1) I guess HELP SATYR doesn't specify height ranges, but I believe satyrs are generally about human size (I'm sure someone paying attention to this thread has a source to cite for this). Being waist-high or less to typical members of your race is hard to justify.
2) The obvious evidence of past breaks goes in with a lot of what's been said previously in predecessors to this thread about scars and the like. This is a world where a broken bone is cured instantly by an application of mending salve. Unless the scar or whatever has particular significance, such that you are specifically choosing (explicitly or implicitly, perhaps) for it NOT to be cured, there's really no reason it would be there. That said, if the breaks have some sort of ritualistic significance or something like that, it could be fine.
3) Usual warnings about mentions of clothing in descriptions matching what you're actually wearing apply here. I would guess that removing your armour will probably be rare enough for this not to be a big deal, though.
4) I'm assuming "bent backward" here means the knees hinge in the opposite direction from normal human knees, which I think is again counter to established satyr physiology.
All that said, I do quite like the horn and face descriptions.
I don't think many people - especially not combatants - would bother applying mending or restoration to a broken nose.
Well, no, they'd smoke valerian so their ents wouldn't attack them. The point is that in a world where you go out on a regular basis and get beat to hell and back, and a sip here and an herb there fixes you up perfectly, permanent scarring and similar disfigurement doesn't make much sense unless there's some reason for it not to be cured by standard means. Maybe an oft-broken nose is a less egregious example? I dunno.
@Synbios I am adding you to my list of grey-eyed mhun now. I have an overlapping one of grey-eyed Mhaldorians-- seems to be rarer in Shallamese.
Might want to rephrase "A polite, yet sardonic expression always marks his expressions" so it doesn't use 'expression' twice, and maybe lose the comma.
________________________ The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."
(Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
Just a thought - not trying to derail too much. If health/vitality/other healing manages to perfectly cure and heal over the damage caused by cuts, bruising, fire, lightning, etc, etc, that we tend to get on a nearly daily basis, then would it not make sense for most scars to have been gained while people were novices? As in, before learning to sip health to overcome normal wounds, when the injuries were slept off and normal regeneration was allowed to take place.
A bit more on topic - I'm rewriting most of Luhar's decriptions (gem of transmutation, so I have a different one per race) to reflect that he's now older and less youthful looking (aiming for middle aged now). Any tips on what kind of tweaks could be made to reflect it while keeping the overall feel (just generally of course, as I'm at work and not near my actual descriptions)? Changing skin and hair a bit seems sensible for some races, but how about the less human, like horkval, rajamala and xoran?
Last time I updated my description, I added grey to the hair and lines to the face to make him seem older.
He is a human. He has short, jet black hair, lightly dusted with gray at the sides, which forms a frame around a face as hard and weathered as stone. The lines of his nose are crooked, a clear indication that it has been broken and reset multiple times. His eyes are blue as ice and just as cold. There are lines on his face, the result of many years of accumulating experience. Faint scars and scratches mar the visible portions of his skin, indicating that he has seen a share of combat. Hanging almost tangibly around him is an air of exhaustion.
Comments
Before I get the, "ZOMG SO MUCH SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE" comments, let me just say that there are RP reasons behind the third eye, the spinal ladder, and the Mark of the Twin, about which anyone may ask me in the game. The hairstyle changes with frequency, and I'll add in other modifications, such as Amu's smattering of tattoos, as clothing choices reveal them. I try to write event descriptions for every formal event I attend, as well. I have way too much fun with it. It's like playing with Barbies, but in text.
http://www.nodiatis.com/personality.htm
Honourable, knight eternal,
Darkly evil, cruel infernal.
Necromanctic to the core,Dance with death forever more.
2. "His face is tan and leathery only brightened by emerald green eyes"-- rewrite this to not use 'only'.
3. A shy smile -always- decorates his face? That seems a little strange.
4. Why are his legs plain?
The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."
(Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
2. Are the character's surroundings always dark? If the "surroundings" refer to the description that follows, it can be stated outright: "ghostly and insubstantial against her otherwise dark features."
3. "Fashionable inebriation" bothers me; perhaps it assumes too much of the reader and the character. It could probably end on "characterised by a chic nonchalance" without losing anything.
http://www.nodiatis.com/personality.htm
You obviously know little of the Occultists, my friend.
And, in fairness, the Phasteu- Phas- followers of the Smith. And the Templars.
And Dwarfs in general. And pirates. And probably a load of others in Achaea, too.
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And please don't ask for critique if you're just going to wave it away. This thread isn't for showing off; it's for genuine fine-tuning. I respect you too much as a writer to offer anything less than the honest truth, especially when prompted for it.
As far as the semicolon goes, a colon would work as well. You'd probably still want a comma after "woman," or else it'll feel rushed when spoken aloud.
The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."
(Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."
(Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
1) I guess HELP SATYR doesn't specify height ranges, but I believe satyrs are generally about human size (I'm sure someone paying attention to this thread has a source to cite for this). Being waist-high or less to typical members of your race is hard to justify.
2) The obvious evidence of past breaks goes in with a lot of what's been said previously in predecessors to this thread about scars and the like. This is a world where a broken bone is cured instantly by an application of mending salve. Unless the scar or whatever has particular significance, such that you are specifically choosing (explicitly or implicitly, perhaps) for it NOT to be cured, there's really no reason it would be there. That said, if the breaks have some sort of ritualistic significance or something like that, it could be fine.
3) Usual warnings about mentions of clothing in descriptions matching what you're actually wearing apply here. I would guess that removing your armour will probably be rare enough for this not to be a big deal, though.
4) I'm assuming "bent backward" here means the knees hinge in the opposite direction from normal human knees, which I think is again counter to established satyr physiology.
All that said, I do quite like the horn and face descriptions.
Might want to rephrase "A polite, yet sardonic expression always marks his expressions" so it doesn't use 'expression' twice, and maybe lose the comma.
The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."
(Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
Just a thought - not trying to derail too much.
If health/vitality/other healing manages to perfectly cure and heal over the damage caused by cuts, bruising, fire, lightning, etc, etc, that we tend to get on a nearly daily basis, then would it not make sense for most scars to have been gained while people were novices? As in, before learning to sip health to overcome normal wounds, when the injuries were slept off and normal regeneration was allowed to take place.
A bit more on topic - I'm rewriting most of Luhar's decriptions (gem of transmutation, so I have a different one per race) to reflect that he's now older and less youthful looking (aiming for middle aged now). Any tips on what kind of tweaks could be made to reflect it while keeping the overall feel (just generally of course, as I'm at work and not near my actual descriptions)? Changing skin and hair a bit seems sensible for some races, but how about the less human, like horkval, rajamala and xoran?
Not sure how to make descriptions look older-- maybe use words like "seasoned", "weathered", "deliberate"?
The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."
(Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
Last time I updated my description, I added grey to the hair and lines to the face to make him seem older.
He is a human. He has short, jet black hair, lightly dusted with gray at the sides, which forms a
frame around a face as hard and weathered as stone. The lines of his nose are crooked, a clear
indication that it has been broken and reset multiple times. His eyes are blue as ice and just as
cold. There are lines on his face, the result of many years of accumulating experience. Faint scars
and scratches mar the visible portions of his skin, indicating that he has seen a share of combat.
Hanging almost tangibly around him is an air of exhaustion.
All advice apprecitated.
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