Descriptions Wanted 1.0

Garao

Alts

Coeur

@Nellaundra A braided crown, or a crown of braids?

@Garao Could put the 'very short' into the first phrase of your description - merging the first two sentences seems to make it less chunky. Pretty good, I think, maybe describe something else which is striking? A scar from work, or so on? Have fun with it!

Garao

Updated: 

He is a stout dwarf and is very short, standing at a few inches over three feet tall. Dark, unwashed 

and matted hair hangs in thick strands from his head. The majority is pulled back out of his face 

into a ponytail, which is held together by plain, dark braidings. Some strands run free however, and 

frame his square-set face which appears to have small grains of soot or ash spread across it. Bright 

green eyes peer prominently out of his otherwise darkened figure.

He is only 18 right now, so I think too many prominent things before really gathering a reputation is a bit obnoxious. Detailed, but simple, is the look I'm trying to go for

Nellaundra

After getting a bit of help, this is what I have:

She is a mhun. Crowning the top of her head, her full, black hair has been pulled back into two
braids that curl tightly around her head. Her bangs, sweeping lightly across her forehead draw
attention to her deep, chocolate-brown eyes. Though slightly large for her face, they perfectly
compliment her full lips, which dimple slightly at the corners from the tips of fangs. Her slight
figure is somewhat boyish, making her appear fragile. That impression is further amplified by her
height, at just under five feet she could easily be compared to a youngster. Closer focus shows that
her limbs are toned and powerful, long hours of training making her lean and strong.

Any further thoughts?  Edits, changes, or errors?

Phaestus

Minor: compliment should be complement in that context. Homophowned.

Averi

@Nellaundra

These are kind of minor. 

You used the word head twice in the first sentence and then went on to talk about her forehead.  I don't know if the high amount of emphasis on her head is supposed to be there. 

I thought this part was ambiguous "her full lips, which dimple slightly at the corners from the tips of fangs."  At first i thought she had dimples but then reread it.  Then I interpreted it as her fangs pushing into her lower lip creating two dimpled areas on her lips. 

And to follow Phaestus' grammar nazi ways, I think this sentence has an incorrect comma usage since both parts could stand independently as sentences.

That impression is further amplified by her height, at just under five feet she could easily be compared to a youngster.

I liked the description though, especially her hairstyle. 

Eld

Averi said:

@Nellaundra

And to follow Phaestus' grammar nazi ways, I think this sentence has an incorrect comma usage since both parts could stand independently as sentences.

That impression is further amplified by her height, at just under five feet she could easily be compared to a youngster.

That comma could be replaced by a colon. Or maybe a semicolon, but I think the colon works better in this case.

Averi

Semicolons are like compromises between commas and colons.

Nellaundra

Alright, mildly edited so how's this?

She is a mhun. Crowning the top of her head, her full, black hair has been pulled back into two
braids that curl tightly around her head. Her bangs, sweeping lightly across her brow draw attention
to her deep, chocolate-brown eyes. Though slightly large for her face, they perfectly complement her
full lips, which dimple slightly at the corners from the light pressure of fangs. Her slight figure
is somewhat boyish, making her appear fragile. That impression is further amplified by her height:
at just under five feet she could easily be compared to a youngster. Closer focus shows that her
limbs are toned and powerful, long hours of training making her lean and strong.

And thank you for the help so far, everyone!

Eld

Averi said:

Semicolons are the beautiful lovechildren of commas and colons.

ftfy

Kohilo

He is a frog-like grook of a mottled greenish dark blue tint with lighter blue ventral colouring. He
has slightly bulbous eyes that always seem to be expecting something new to appear. His snout
protrudes enough to suggest a nose. The corners of his mouth turn down so that his expression tends
to be one of wry resignation to the state of the world he surveys. He is of medium height with a
slightly crouching posture. Kohilo's stillness is deceptive, when he moves it sudden, direct, and
decisive. He is wearing flowing black robes, a canvas backpack, a pocketbelt, and a suit of scale
mail.

Chryenth

Generally, ok, but you describe what your character is doing way too much. For example, 'He has slightly bulbous eyes that seem to be expecting something new to appear.' What if, hypothetically, you were walking through your home city, a route you've taken a thousand times before? You wouldn't expect anything new to appear, so your description doesn't make sense. Same applies to the expression, the posture and the last sentence.

On the other hand, I have seen considerably worse descriptions from new players. This looks pretty good.

Averi

@Kohilo

Personally, I like it.  I imagined someone who is tense and alert with eyes that always flicker from place to place when people talk to them.  I also liked the part about his stillness and how his movements are sudden.  That reminded me of an actual frog because frogs are really really still until they hop out and surprise you and you're like 'oh my glob'. 

Although, for this sentence, "The corners of his mouth turn down so that his expression tends to be one of wry resignation to the state of the world he surveys" I agree with Chryenth.  That sentence wouldn't make any sense if you laugh or smile in game... but then you could always not laugh or smile but that would be sad.

Jhaeli

@Nellaundra I like it a lot. This is how I described a very similar (if not essentially the same) hairstyle in my own description.

She is a graceful tsol'aa, carrying herself with an air of elegance despite the steel covering her body. A tall, svelte woman, the fine silk-like strands of her dark auburn hair have been tightly braided into a long queue, wound around her head and neatly pinned into place. Her oval face features golden amber eyes creased with age and a pert nose dusted with the faintest of freckles. Dark sanguine sigils mar the otherwise sun-kissed flesh of her forehead and cheeks, though they have begun to fade. The occasional slip reveals a Northern accent, all but forgotten.

Nizaris

He is a human. Just over six feet tall, he has a frail and emaciated form. His flesh is lustrous ivory, with near-perfect complexion, save for a sinister brand upon his arm. Raised scar tissue here takes the form of eight spokes radiating outward from a common center. Each spoke is bisected by a short, perpendicular bar and tipped by a fleur-de-lis. The bordure of a scalloped shield envelops this escarbuncle charge, branding him property of Mhaldor. His eyes are the piercing blue of lapis, and are likewise marbled with undulating shapes and imperfections of hue. Ethereal wights of platinum blonde hair wisp about his sunken, bony face. His musculature, while well toned, is clearly visible beneath skin pulled too taut, and the forms of fibrous tendons and joints can be seen as well. His right hand is whithered, and rank with the smell of necrotic flesh. In an act of self-mortification, a cruel piece of barbed wire is wrapped around his neck, constricting speech and drawing blood.

A few RP context points for this, my description:

* Nizaris used to be Naga, and had been titled "Silenced One". During this period, he donned the barbed-wire cilice around his neck to remind him of his vow of silence. Since he later became an Apostate and preacher, it seemed fitting in a way to keep the cilice, and to continue to speak in a "pained voice".

* As a Mhaldorian, Nizaris was branded a slave with the Mhaldorian Coat of Arms. The heraldic description of the arms is: "Gules, an escarbuncle Or within a bordure of the Second." I tried to describe what the arms look like, rather than merely parroting the heraldic description.

* He is a Necromancer, and an aspirant of Lord Apollyon. I wanted him to be beautiful like Apollyon (hence the ivory skin, and lapis eyes), but also frail and nearly skeletal, as though his studies had an effect on him (hence the emaciation, muscles and joints visible through his skin, etc).

* I see him looking like this:

Nellaundra

@Nizaris Your description makes me wince to read, but it's very well done.

Thaumas

He is a graceful tsol'aa. All his items decayed and he looks broke ass. There is a sign hanging from his neck that reads, "HALP, WILL DO BUTTSEKS FOR GOLD, GOD BLESS." He is wearing a dragonskin pack, a wooden pack of drawers, and an amber firefly. He walks with the truefavour of Thoth.

Peak

should be "he looks like a broke ass"

Eld

Peak said:

should be "he looks like a broke ass"

And don't get me started on the spelling errors and comma splices in that sign.

Garao

I am more concerned by ... 

- He walks with the truefavour of Thoth

Thoth?

Silas

IT WASN'T THOTH!!!!

Jiraishin

@Thaumas I like the way responses to that description ranged across every available reaction except abuse.

Peak

I think it's because, deep down, we all know who it is. First person to 'name and shame' loses.

Turoi

He is a human of average height for his race; his form and features hidden underneath a white sheet with eyeholes.

Krypton

Semicolon misuse. As "his form and features hidden underneath a white sheet with eyeholes" is a dependent clause, a comma should be used instead.

Nellaundra

@Krypton I just spent half an hour writing a description of the planet Krypton and decided against it cause it wasn't worth the forum ban.  You had better be happy.

Silas

How the hell would you get banned for that? Did you just drop f-bombs every other word or something?

Delphinus

@Silas: It was probably pretty racist to Superman.

Krypton

@Nellaundra: Well, now you've left me hanging. What about that is supposed to make me happy?!

Sigge

He is a tiger-like rajamala and is easily a head taller than most humans, covered in long, soft fur, that ruffles and ripples in the breeze, his snowy whiteness is dappled with rosettes of darker colour along his back and flanks, marked with a dark streak along his spine, and a  long, fluffy tail that twitches and curls with a mind of its own. He is wearing flowing crimson robes, a canvas backpack, and a suit of polished field plate armour.

I just used the description of the snow leopards in Caer Witrin and edited it a bit, I dunno why but I just can't think straight lately, but if anyone has any tips, ideas, etc they would be most appreciated.