Descriptions Wanted 1.0

Jiraishin

@Katzchen
The blue-flame stallions were a gift from Apollyon for something specific.
The green-flame stallion was a gift from Apollyon to Sabiru, specifically. I've never seen another one with green flames.

Barrons

Barrons used to be a different class. I've tried tweaking his description a little to better match his alchemy profession but I'm sure I could use some help here. Have fun tearing me a new one!

He is a human and is of an imposing height with long legs and a predatory grace. His solid form operates with an animalistic undertone that speaks of a tightly reigned emotions. Heavy shoulders and a tight waist give him the appearance of a brawler, a mirage that is shattered by the pristinely unmarred features of his face. His eyes are a dark and crisp shade of abysmal, neither brown nor black, made even darker by the crop of black hair cut close to his head and left in an eternal disarray. The layer of smooth skin that adorns his body is, for the most part, devoid of any real hair and a pale testament to hours and days spent hidden from the sun. A dimple occasionally creases its way into his left cheek, adding a roguish quality to his smile. With a strong jaw, an aquiline nose, and a pair of firm but full lips there is almost a savagely elegant air about him.

Chryenth

@Barrons

He is a human and is of an imposing height with long legs and a predatory grace. His solid form operates with an animalistic undertone that speaks of a tightly reigned emotions. Heavy shoulders and a tight waist give him the appearance of a brawler, a mirage that is shattered by the pristinely unmarred features of his face. His eyes are a dark and crisp shade of abysmal, neither brown nor black, made even darker by the crop of black hair cut close to his head and left in an eternal disarray. The layer of smooth skin that adorns his body is, for the most part, devoid of any real hair and a pale testament to hours and days spent hidden from the sun. A dimple occasionally creases its way into his left cheek, adding a roguish quality to his smile. With a strong jaw, an aquiline nose, and a pair of firm but full lips there is almost a savagely elegant air about him.

 

1. Second sentence. All the words are correct, and they assembled in a good order, but the sentence does not make sense to me.

2. 'mirage' should be 'image' or 'illusion'. His face isn't covered by a mental heat haze.
3. 'abysmal' isn't a color.
4. You won't always be smiling, so it has no place in a description.

 

 

Not exactly 'tearing you a new one'. It's pretty good!

 

 

 

On another note, I'm considering having easily copy/paste-able responses for common errors. Does anyone else do that already?

Xae

Here's mine!

She is a graceful tsol'aa. Standing at five foot and one inch, she is far below the average height 

of a Tsol. She has aged delicately despite how old she is, curved hips shaping her petite frame. Her 

skin is a healthy tan which is lightly kissed with a rosy pink on her cheeks and shoulders. Brown 

umber hair has been twisted and pinned up, the rest of the length falling in messy waves. Her 

straightened fringe frames her gentle face, brushing against her brow and sweeping past her chin. 

Large blue and green eyes glance about the environment, hinting a youthful mischief, framed by long 

eyelashes. Her pointed ears stick out from her hair about three inches and are tilted downward, 

perking up at unrecognisable sounds. Embedded in the skin between her collarbone is a star-shaped 

gem of a green topaz, showing her birth origin. The gem has been polished to a glossy shine and is 

embossed in a silver casing to hide the embedded edges. Its cut allows the colour of the topaz to 

glimmer both blue and green, matching her eyes. Tattooed on her right hand is the four-stroke broken 

star in thick black lines. A red hourglass similar to that of a black widow is placed on the back of 

her neck.

Chryenth

@Xae

She is a graceful tsol'aa. Standing at five foot and one inch, she is far below the average height 

of a Tsol. She has aged delicately despite how old she is, curved hips shaping her petite frame. Her 

skin is a healthy tan which is lightly kissed with a rosy pink on her cheeks and shoulders. Brown 

umber hair has been twisted and pinned up, the rest of the length falling in messy waves. Her 

straightened fringe frames her gentle face, brushing against her brow and sweeping past her chin. 

Large blue and green eyes glance about the environment, hinting a youthful mischief, framed by long 

eyelashes. Her pointed ears stick out from her hair about three inches and are tilted downward, 

perking up at unrecognisable sounds. Embedded in the skin between her collarbone is a star-shaped 

gem of a green topaz, showing her birth origin. The gem has been polished to a glossy shine and is 

embossed in a silver casing to hide the embedded edges. Its cut allows the colour of the topaz to 

glimmer both blue and green, matching her eyes. Tattooed on her right hand is the four-stroke broken 

star in thick black lines. A red hourglass similar to that of a black widow is placed on the back of 

her neck.

 

1. Tsol'aa is the singular as well as the plural, I think.

2. Second line, just say 'She appears to have aged delicately…', the 'despite… is' is redundant.

3. 'Her brown-umber hair…'
4. Eyes dancing around means you can never focus on one thing or your description will be invalidated.
5. Those ears are weird. What kind of muscle can pull and ear up from pointing downwards?
6. She has a stone set into her collarbone. Why, and why can I see it?
7. Black widows don't exist on Achaea. ( @Delphinius , can I get a confirmation on that? Kthnx.)

 

 

Comes across a little special-snowflake-y. Sorry. Pick an eye colour, and don't have prehensile  ears. Be wary of describing any sort of motion, because there are circumstances in which that motion may cease. The rest are just grammar/flow things. I'd try and offer more constructive advice, but it is 1.30am as I type this and I should be asleep. Or away from the computer, anyway.

Krypton

Chryenth said:

7.     [Something] don't exist on Achaea.

When has that ever stopped somebody?

Chryenth

Not often enough.

Delphinus

@Chryenth: It's just a spider, and a fairly common one at that; no reason to assume it doesn't exist. The more confusing point is why we'd immediately associate the tattoo with a black widow. Just let us see a red hourglass and draw our own conclusions.

Also, in your suggestions, "She appears to have aged delicately" is uneconomical. Of course she appears to be something -- it's her character's appearance.

Xae

Chryenth said:

@Xae

Comes across a little special-snowflake-y. Sorry. Pick an eye colour, and don't have prehensile  ears. Be wary of describing any sort of motion, because there are circumstances in which that motion may cease. The rest are just grammar/flow things. I'd try and offer more constructive advice, but it is 1.30am as I type this and I should be asleep. Or away from the computer, anyway.

Oh! So the gem in her collarbone is a RP thingy for the Cholla'Yi family, where the girls get to choose a gem of their choice and have it placed wherever on their skin. And she normally wears low-cut and/or v-neck tops, hence I have it showing at all times. But thank you for the critique

Sena

Delphinus said:

@Chryenth: It's just a spider, and a fairly common one at that; no reason to assume it doesn't exist.

Also, they're mentioned in at least one room description, and used frequently enough in titles and clothing/jewellery descriptions that if the admin didn't want them in Achaea, they likely would have said something by now.

Chryenth

@Delphinus @Sena I stand corrected. (I would put a smiley here, but I don't trust these forum smilies.)

@Xae No problem.

Lyr

A description for a customization of my artefact mace. Rip it to shreds, fellow Achaeans! I'm trying to make it awesome without it being gaudy.

SHORT_DESC: an electrum mace wreathed in holy fire

LONG_DESC: Bathed in flames, an electrum mace hovers here.

EXT_DESC:

At over three feet in length, this flanged mace is an impressive sight to behold. Sturdy alder wood wrapped with cured, black wyvernskin leather forms the grip. Tanned and conditioned to maximize both comfort and durability, the grip has been moulded to fit a left hand comfortably. On the bottom of the handle sits a small polished ruby that shimmers in the light; etched underneath, two interlocking C's glow red like embers. All along the length of the electrum handle, flowing, celestial glyphs have been intricately incised and filled with white gold. At the end of the handle, mithril-trimmed flanges form the mace's head, allowing it to penetrate even the toughest armour. Effulgent flames radiate from the mace's head yet emit no heat, revealing their sacred nature.

Skye

I threw it on when I went back to human. Please fix the grammar and flow for me >_>

She is a human of average height, neither too tall nor too short, with a figure best described as 'lightly plump'. Grey-streaked chestnut hair woven intermittently with tiny braids and pearls hangs to her waist. A few bangs are cut short to her chin to frame a round-cheeked face and strikingly large eyes. Big, with a hint of lines along the sides, they are a deep blue with disconcerting grey-white pupils. A tiny blue star has been tattooed on the corner of her right eye, its shape only slightly distorted by age.

Sasiya

I'm sort of getting a bow and want it customised. If anyone have advice/tips/suggestions, or just feel like sharing their own bow customisation, that would really be super helpful.

Also, for customisations, are you allowed to name the item in question? Like "Bunnyface," the razor-edged, mithril broadsword?

Sena

You are allowed to name the weapon like that, though some people dislike it.

Sasiya

Okay. I wrote up a customisation, and it even had a name despite some people disliking it. Copypasted relevant parts of the mail I sent:

SHORT: "Piercing Dawn", the slender, alabaster bow of repentance
 
LONG: Liquid silver forming filigree patterns against its surface, a slender, alabaster bow has been forgotten here.
 
EXTENDED: A pair of smooth, slender limbs sprouts in either direction from the grip of this bow, gracefully arched in a distinctively recurved manner. The entire weapon possesses a pale hue much akin to alabaster, although only the actual handle has been constructed from this material. Thin, coruscating veins of liquescent silver pour over the entire length of the bow, spreading across its surface in a filigree pattern before coalescing into a small, perfect cirlce at the front of the grip - the silvery threads almost appear to gather into a crude representation of the lifegiving sun, or alternatively, perhaps the intricate ornaments were designed to be seen as originating from the glittering, solar symbol itself. Surprisingly, no normal bowstring can be seen; instead, an ethereal, luminuous chord manifests itselfs between the tips of the bow whenever it is wielded. Tautly pulled, this string of woven moonlight made corporeal is more than capable of firing arrows with both terrifying accuracy as well as power. In sharp contrast against its otherwise silvery and white tones, a flowing ebony script has been inscribed at the back of the bow: "Tread not upon the path of Darkness; stain not your hands with deeds of Evil; purge from your spirit the taint of Chaos; repent, sinner, that your transgressions may be blotted out; know that the arrow of Judgment strikes hard and true!"

While I can't afford further customisation at this point, I would like to know if it would be possible to create reactions to it being wielded or unwielded? If it is possible, how much would it cost? For example:

Wielded:
A luminous bowstring manifests between the tips of "Piercing Down", its recurved limbs slightly strained beneath the pressure of the tautly pulled chord.

Unwielded:
"Piercing Dawn's" ethereal bowstring fades from existance, its supple limbs springing slightly upwards as they are released from the tautly pulled chord.

EDIT:
The whole point of the customisation was to be all "light-holy-infidel mudering-rawr!-Shallam".

Jiraishin

Have to get offline and don't have time to read all of this, but at first glance I would probably change 'Piercing Dawn, the slender, alabaster bow' to 'Piercing Dawn, a slender alabaster bow.

Wielding/unwielding reactions are definitely possible.

Sena

The base cost is 25 credits per reaction, but more complex reactions can cost extra. Simply displaying messages on wield/unwield like that should cost 50 credits (25 for wield and 25 for unwield).

Argys

Thoughts?

He is a stout dwarf approximately 5'5" in height, with noticeable girth that he carries well. An unusual hairstyle adorns his head, an immediately noticeable thing about him, especially with its bright red colour. A medium sized mohawk slants forward over his skull, but the hair on either side of it has been formed into dreads that have been pulled back. Underneath his thick eyebrows are wide, grey eyes that are severely bloodshot, and hide behind dark bags seemingly indicative of never enough sleep. A large, hooked nose crowns the top of his auburn beard, which has been left untouched to grow down to his waist in a multitude of tight, curling rings.

Jiraishin

That's a tall dwarf.

Argys

I'll adjust it so that the mohawk is adding a few of those inches, heh. Or would that still be tall for a Dwarf?

Delphinus

@Argys: Four feet is the average height of a dwarf.

Argys

Dang. Well, he's a tall dwarf then, but I'll make the mohawk larger so he's not even more absurdly tall for the race.

Argys

Besides the height, though, any other thoughts about the description? Not too snow-flakey, or possessing too many badly phrased sentences?

Chryenth

Next IG mohawk I see, I'm going to burn off.

No problems, really.

Argys

Chryenth said:

Next IG mohawk I see, I'm going to burn off.

That common, huh? Well, I do think the added dreads -do- make it unusual. Unless someone beat me to that too. :P

Sena

Mohawks really aren't very common. Your description of it as "an unusual hairstyle" would be accurate. The only real problem I see with the description is that giant dwarves are rather annoying to a lot of people, partly due to how commonly it's done. There is an NPC dwarf that's 6 feet tall though, so it's canonically possible.

Argys

Sena said:

Mohawks really aren't very common. Your description of it as "an unusual hairstyle" would be accurate. The only real problem I see with the description is that giant dwarves are rather annoying to a lot of people, partly due to how commonly it's done. There is an NPC dwarf that's 6 feet tall though, so it's canonically possible.

Yeah, I wasn't sure how tall dwarves were. Guess I shoulda waited, although I did change it so that he's "only" a foot taller than average, with his mohawk bringing him to 5'5", heh. Oh well.

Chryenth

I dislike mohawks OOC, due to having to wear one for a bet for about six hours. All of my hate.

Plus I don't think they really fit into Achaea's style. I'm just biased, ignore me.

That last sentence should probably be my signature. That or 'I'm irrelevant, ignore me.'

Phaestus

Dwarves are 2/3 human sized. So a four foot tall dwarf is equal to a six foot tall human. Shorter is better, culturally, and tall ones are freaks and outcasts. The giant one in game is five foot tall and shunned by the community, living a lonely life in the hills away from the clans. Poor big little bugger.

 

"Tall for a dwarf" is really, really up there in description cliches, and mostly just happens because of OOC biases. Shed 'em! Be bold! Embrace the earth, like you were sculpted to do!

 

Well, unless you want to be an outcast. In which case, might I suggest also swapping the mohawk for a mullet?