Descriptions Wanted 1.0

Iocun

There is mithril, yes.

Jiraishin

We don't have nearly enough mithril, but we do have it.

Templars even have mithril bands.

Eld

@Chryenth Yes, thar's mithril in them Siroccians.

@Jiraishin If the problem is just the use of "them" as a singular, I'd suggest just getting used to it. That usage has been accepted for centuries and doesn't seem likely to go anywhere. If it's something more specific to this particular context, then, well, carry on I suppose.

Iocun

There are also several artefacts made from mithril. There is actually a crafting guideline that specifies normal crafted items may not contain mithril, but I don't think this applies to artie customisations, since those are inherently of a higher quality/power than ordinary items.

Wala

Synbios said:

EXT_DESC:  

Floating lazily about, a storm of blade-like shards silently orbits its bearer, glittering eerily when they catch the light. Each shard is the size of a small dagger, and is composed of different metals, from mundane steel to rare mithril, and honed to a razor's edge. Once in a while, the shards stop moving before arranging themselves into a pair of wing-shaped mandalas extending from the bearer's back, revealing their true purpose.

Commas are good. "They" and "themselves" refer to "shards".

Ready to reach the sky!

Wala

Eld said:

@Jiraishin If the problem is just the use of "them" as a singular, I'd suggest just getting used to it. That usage has been accepted for centuries and doesn't seem likely to go anywhere. 

False.

Eld

Wala said:

Eld said:

@Jiraishin If the problem is just the use of "them" as a singular, I'd suggest just getting used to it. That usage has been accepted for centuries and doesn't seem likely to go anywhere. 

False.

This is one of the better summaries I've seen. Plenty of other examples out there.

Jiraishin

I have no problem with the singular usage of 'them' except that everything else would refer to 'he': "He is a mhun", "He is wearing", "He wields a", etc. Using two different pronouns for the same person seems weird. When I see pronouns that don't match my first instinct is to assume they refer to different things and to search for matching pronouns.

Eld

Jiraishin said:

I have no problem with the singular usage of 'them' except that everything else would refer to 'he': "He is a mhun", "He is wearing", "He wields a", etc. Using two different pronouns for the same person seems weird. When I see pronouns that don't match my first instinct is to assume they refer to different things and to search for matching pronouns.

Fair enough. There's not really anything else in the item description for it to "match", though, which is why I jumped to the conclusion that you were complaining about something else. As you mentioned in your first comment, though, for an item description, there's no guarantee of the gender of the wearer, so epicene pronouns will generally be the way to go. In the case of a personally customised artefact, this is probably not too much of an issue, since the wearer will almost always be the same person; I'd be fine with either "them" or "him" in that case.
Rereading your original comment, it's pretty clear what you were objecting to, so apologies for the irrelevant derail.

Back on track with the actual description of the wings, the thing that jumped out at me before I got distracted by grammar arguments was "wing-shaped mandalas". Aren't mandalas circular, by definition?
And this seems a bit odd: "Each shard is the size of a small dagger, and is composed of different metals, from mundane steel to rare mithril, and honed to a razor's edge."
Is each shard composed of a combination of several different metals, or is each one a single metal, different from the rest? I'm assuming the latter. Potential rephrase : "The dagger-sized shards are composed of many different metals, from mundane steel to rane mithril, each honed to a razor's edge."

Wala

Eld said:

Wala said:

Eld said:

@Jiraishin If the problem is just the use of "them" as a singular, I'd suggest just getting used to it. That usage has been accepted for centuries and doesn't seem likely to go anywhere. 

False.

This is one of the better summaries I've seen. Plenty of other examples out there.

Your idea of a summary and mine are also different. Here is a summary from that site.

The title of the page: Prescriptivism Must Die!

Something we can read down the page: “Grammatical authorities agree that singular they is a barbarism!”

I live in a forest, so not the best person to explain this, but that blogger is utterly confusing! The first example is correct:

“She kept her head and kicked her shoes off, as everybody ought to do who falls into deep water in their clothes.”

I have not found a good site, but wikipedia explains it better.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Singular_they

Forget Wikipedia. This one says what we want to know: http://www-personal.umich.edu/~jlawler/June05Eye.pdf

Eld

Spoilered for those who don't care about grammar debates.
[spoiler]

Wala said:

Eld said:

Wala said:

Eld said:

@Jiraishin If the problem is just the use of "them" as a singular, I'd suggest just getting used to it. That usage has been accepted for centuries and doesn't seem likely to go anywhere. 

False.

This is one of the better summaries I've seen. Plenty of other examples out there.

Your idea of a summary and mine are also different. Here is a summary from that site.

The title of the page: Prescriptivism Must Die!

Something we can read down the page: “Grammatical authorities agree that singular they is a barbarism!”

I live in a forest, so not the best person to explain this, but that blogger is utterly confusing! The first example is correct:

“She kept her head and kicked her shoes off, as everybody ought to do who falls into deep water in their clothes.”

I have not found a good site, but wikipedia explains it better.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Singular_they

Forget Wikipedia. This one says what we want to know: http://www-personal.umich.edu/~jlawler/June05Eye.pdf

By "summary", in this case, I meant "piece of writing compiling evidence in favour of the point I was making, with links to illustrations". The "Grammatical authorities agree..." quote was an example of the sort of unfounded argument people make in complaining about the singular usage, provided to be shot down. The first example is indeed correct. That's the point. It is an example of a correct use of singular they by a respected author.

The pdf you linked is indeed a nice summary of the issue, but since it agrees with the point I was originally making, I'm not sure where you're going with
[/spoiler]
I have no particular interest in further derailing the thread, but feel free to continue the ranting in PMs if you want.

Lys

Eld said:

 
And this seems a bit odd: "Each shard is the size of a small dagger, and is composed of different metals, from mundane steel to rare mithril, and honed to a razor's edge."
Is each shard composed of a combination of several different metals, or is each one a single metal, different from the rest? I'm assuming the latter. Potential rephrase : "The dagger-sized shards are composed of many different metals, from mundane steel to rane mithril, each honed to a razor's edge."

Or, as an alternate:  "The shards are the size of small daggers, each composed of a different metal, from mundane steel to rare mithril, and honed to a razor's edge."

Synbios

A storm of shards slices lazily through the air, silently orbiting its owner in a sinister nimbus of flashing blades. The shards are the size of small daggers, each composed of a different metal, from mundane steel to rare mithril, and honed to a razor's edge. As the shards follow their trajectories, they occasionally consolidate into a pair of ornate mandalas which hover from its owner's back, from which ten floating sword-shaped pinions radiate outward and downward in a wing-like formation.

By the way, here's a 4-minute MSPaint representation of the wing design:

Chryenth

I'm suddenly seeing Byakyua images.

Synbios

Chryenth said:

I'm suddenly seeing Byakuya images.

Incidentally, the blade nimbus was initially inspired by the Diablo 2 assassin skill 'Blade Shield', but now I can't unsee it, now that you've mentioned it. 

Delphinus

It's a bit over the top, by which I mean that it's a lot over the top. And you know me; I like anime.

Antonius

Synbios said:

A storm of shards slices lazily through the air, silently orbiting its owner in a sinister nimbus of flashing blades. The shards are the size of small daggers, each composed of a different metal, from mundane steel to rare mithril, and honed to a razor's edge. As the shards follow their trajectories, they occasionally consolidate into a pair of ornate mandalas which hover from its owner's back, from which ten floating sword-shaped pinions radiate outward and downward in a wing-like formation.

The "hover from" wording seems awkward to me, mostly because I don't see things as hovering from anything, they just... hover. I'd replace "from" with something that indicates the direction or proximity to the wearer. You could possibly replace "hover from its owner's back" with "hover behind the wearer's shoulder blades" (since that gives a better indication of where they actually are in relation to the wearer, judging by the MSPaint picture). If they are actually supposed to be -attached- to the wearer, then hover isn't the correct word (in my opinion).

Synbios

@Delphinus: It is, isn't it?

@Antonius: The pinions are not attached to the shoulders. At any rate, I've modified the description to eliminate the mandalas:

A storm of shards slices lazily through the air, silently orbiting its owner in a sinister nimbus of flashing blades. The shards are the size of small daggers, each composed of a different metal, from mundane steel to rare mithril, and honed to a razor's edge. As the shards follow their trajectories, they occasionally consolidate into ten floating sword-shaped pinions, radiating outward and downward behind the owner's shoulder blades in a wing-like formation. 

Lianca

Just a minor pet peeve of my own with that description is the repetition of the word shards, three uses in three sentences just makes me itch a bit.
That's purely a stylistic thing from my perspective but don't be afraid to reach for the thesaurus!

Synbios

Problem is that all the other hits from the thesaurus in dictionary.com do not evoke the imagery that I'm hoping for, sadly. 

Probably the closest nonthesaurused word I could come up is 'flechette', but isn't that a modern term?

Jiraishin

Could probably just re-organize the sentences a little and use 'they' to refer to the shards at least once.Two instances of shards in the description seems reasonable.

Synbios

A storm of shards slices lazily through the air, silently orbiting its owner in a sinister nimbus of flashing blades. The shards are the size of small daggers, each composed of a different metal, from mundane steel to rare mithril, and honed to a razor's edge. As the shards follow their trajectories, they occasionally consolidate into ten floating sword-shaped pinions, radiating outward and downward behind the owner's shoulder blades in a wing-like formation.

To:

A storm of shards slices lazily through the air, silently orbiting its owner in a sinister nimbus of flashing blades. Each is the size of a small dagger, composed of a different metal - from mundane steel to rare mithril - and honed to a razor's edge. As they follow their trajectories, the shards occasionally consolidate into ten floating sword-shaped pinions, radiating outward and downward behind the owner's shoulder blades in a wing-like formation.

Better?

Vasool

Yes better. Excellent writing.

Synbios

I'll be honest, I'm really glad that I get honest responses - from gripes about grammar to observations of over-opulence. Thanks for the input! This is one of my biggest customisation projects as of yet.

Jiraishin

A storm of shards slices lazily through the air, silently orbiting its owner in a sinister nimbus of flashing blades. Each is the size of a small dagger, composed of a different metal - from mundane steel to rare mithril - and honed to a razor's edge. As they follow their trajectories, the shards occasionally consolidate into ten floating sword-shaped pinions, radiating outward and downward behind the owner's shoulder blades in a wing-like formation.

Better?
------
I really need to learn how to use 'unquote' on these forums.
Below are my suggestions:

A storm of shards slices lazily through the air, silently orbiting its owner in a sinister nimbus of flashing blades.
^I think that some parts of the later sentences could be added into that one to make the description flow better. On the other hand, I love that sentence and don't want to mess with it.

Each is the size of a small dagger, composed of a different metal - from mundane steel to rare mithril - and honed to a razor's edge.
^That kind of makes it look like each storm, not each shard.

As they follow their trajectories, the shards occasionally consolidate into ten floating sword-shaped pinions, radiating outward and downward behind the owner's shoulder blades in a wing-like formation.
^Probably there should be two wing-like formations. Also, "As they follow their trajectories" could potentially be used to fold this into another sentence, perhaps that first one about the blade nimbus since you are still describing shape.

I meant to write out an alternate description, but I'm running really short on time-- sorry.

Synbios

@Jiraishin

A storm of shards slices lazily through the air, silently orbiting its owner in a sinister nimbus of flashing blades. Each shard is the size of a small dagger, composed of varying metals - from mundane steel to rare mithril - and honed to a razor's edge. As they follow their trajectories, the shards occasionally consolidate into ten floating sword-shaped pinions, radiating outward and downward behind the owner's shoulder blades into as two wing-like formations.

Will wait for your alternate description. Need to sleep for now though.

Silas

While I don't like the idea of the shard-wings, because I feel they're somewhat outside of the scope of Achaea's style, if you're set on the design here's my suggestion:

A storm of shards slices lazily through the air, silently orbiting in a sinister nimbus of flashing blades. The size of a small dagger and honed to a razor's edge, each shard is composed of a different metal, from mundane steel to rare mithril. As they follow their trajectories, they occasionally consolidate into ten floating sword-shaped pinions, radiating outward and downward in a wing-like formation.

I generally dislike the use of "the wearer" and "the owner" because they're things you can infer from having seen them worn by whoever. Other minor change is to the structure of the second sentence, which just felt awkward with the hyphenation.

ETA: Perhaps I'd like them more if you reversed the design - i.e, if they started as the final shard formation and occasionally a shard would break off and orbit around.

Crathen

Agree with disliking "the wearer" and "the owner". Your name would look better there. Also, doesn't it say somewhere that no, you can't use mithril, absolutely not?

Found it in crafting guidelines: 

"Metal that may not be used is mithril and bloodsteel."

Oh, you guys already spoke about that. My bad.

Synbios

@Silas: That's actually a good idea. I'll think of something after I get some sleep.

@Silas and @Crathen: About the 'the wearer' and 'the owner' part - it's the fact that I can still lend the wings to another person that makes it impossible for me to use my name in there.

Crathen

$my is possible