Descriptions Wanted 1.0

Kyrra

Kyrra's softly spoken so it just made sense to have that as it is.

Cathy

I would think that no voice/accent would be the best indication that it is a more neutral, base voice

Iocun

Yeah, by default I never set a voice for that reason. I only set a specific voice for specific circumstances, like making it "solemn" when conducting a ritual of sorts, making it "loud and clear" when talking in front of a large gathering, etc. In a sense, I'm not using it to describe the nature of my character's voice at all, but simply as an extended form of expressiveness. I tend to use voices for more general expressiveness, i.e. something that would persist through an entire speech, while using actual expressiveness to fine-tune single sentences.

Taraus

Right - if there's nothing "unique" about your voice, or accent - or you aren't trying to convey anything with it overall, then don't set one.

And another huge upside to this is, when you DO use expressiveness, it tends to make it more noticeable, and you can also fiddle with it on the fly to convey things that expressiveness doesn't allow
(ie 'set voice wounded tone of' vs '*woundedly').

Aktillum

He is a powerful troll with disheveled hair and wide, paranoid eyes. His nose has a bit of yellow crust on it, and he occasionally twitches or lets out an odd noise. He is of average Troll height, and a bit lanky. He appears to constantly be shaking his hands, or lolling his tongue out and rolling his eyes to the back of his head. Overall, he is an odd looking fellow.
/thread

Kirstin

She is a human and is approximately five and a half feet tall with a mildly tanned skin tone. Long
blonde hair adorns her head, pulled back into a ponytail, save for a few loose strands on the sides.
Her eyes are a soft blue hue, countenance seemingly relaxed and absent expression. Her posture seems
relaxed as well, her petite figure far from impressive or dominant.

Any critique is welcomed. I don't think I am very good at this and I don't want it to come off as overly awkward to read.

Lucerna

She is a human and unusually pale. Her cheeks have no color in them, and her lips are only the slightest shade of red. Her dark eyes, however, stand out in stark contrast to her pallid countenance, as does her black hair, which is cut so it falls to her shoulders.

Skye

Thank god, female descs with no tits in them!

Riley

Skye said:

Thank god, female descs with no tits in them!

But.. boobies..

Shirszae

Lucerna said:

She is a human and unusually pale. Her cheeks have no color in them, and her lips are only the slightest shade of red. Her dark eyes, however, stand out in stark contrast to her pallid countenance, as does her black hair, which is cut so it falls to her shoulders.

No need for the word pallid before countenance, since you have already established that before. I think you could afford to elaborate the description more in other ways, thought. Height, for example. Body build. Etc.

Anokhi

She is a human. She is a short, slender woman, her olive skin just barely revealing the subtly toned muscles underneath. Her dark brown, almost black hair is cut very short and swept to one side. Deep green eyes peer sleepily out from under thick, well groomed eyebrows. Two small moles hang like stars in a constellation below the corner of her narrow, slightly down-turned mouth. A sharp jawline joins the graceful curve of her neck to her thin face, and at the base of her neck prominent collarbones melt into her square shoulders. Her arms are short and sparsely freckled, and her once girlish hands are wind-chafed and weathered from a life spent in the wilderness.

I'm not sure if I'm happy with this or not. Hrm. In any case, I'm new, so be kind.

Shirszae

@Anokhi I rather like it as it is. Very subjectively, I'd make this changes:

She is a human, short and slender. Her olive skin just barely reveals the subtly toned muscles underneath. Her brown hair, almost black in shade, is cut very short and swept to one side.

Marax

@Anokhi, the star-mole hanging like constellations thing...a bit unorthodox for the rest of the description, imo. It's an outlier simile that, while evocative, is subjective. You want me to see stars in a constellation, (hypothetically speaking) I see two dots on your face. Definitely not trying to be offensive, the description is awesome, but I'd probably make it more practical. Well-written though!

ADD: 'once-girlish' is irrelevant...because if some looks at your weathered hands...they won't necessarily be able to tell they were once girlish. If this it nitpicky...tell me to buzz off...gin's setting in.

Averi

@Anokhi

I can't decide if I like it or not.  It's definitely different from how I write descriptions but a zillion people hate my character description so don't always listen to me.  I like how objective it is.  The image I got of you is slender, sun-tanned, well-built, calloused, freckled, dark hair, green eyes, and you have two dots on your face.  However, I feel that could have been said with less words.  A lot of things like a sharp jawline joining to a graceful neck doesn't have to be said because the default is your jaw is attached to your neck and in my opinion, anyone who is staring at your neck/jaw long enough to notice that it is sharp and graceful is probably about to kiss it. A self-description is what a person's first impression of you will be and a lot of the things you spoke of seemed to be what I would have noticed during your physical examination or something rather than if I was just meeting you casually.  For example, I would not notice that your arms were short unless they were abnormally short or if I was trying to draw you.  

But that's only my two-cents.  As I said before, a lot of people hate on my description because I tend to write in things like posture, or odd quirks. I am a firm believer that you can tell things like whether a person is a dancer or a soccer player or what instrument they play/whatever or whether they tend to smile or grump before you can tell things like the shape of someone's head. Maybe because that's what I notice more irl.  It is good overall!  I had an image of what you'd look like.  I'm just picking on small things.  

Oh, and... Welcome to Achaea!

Edit: Grammar and stuffs.

Marax

Here's mine. I'm not incredibly happy with it...I was thinking Yolandi Visser in Fatty Boom Boom when she in red and white...plus wings and golden Curse mark. I'm real creative....

He is a winged atavian. Cresting from his shoulder blades, two ebon wings ruffle lazily behind a 

waif of a man, seemingly heavier than the entirety of his body. Unkempt wings tease at a face devoid 

of emotion: a hairless head and brow, verminous nose, and eyes totally eclipsed by a black that 

mirrors his unreflective wings. Appearing almost skeletal, his translucent skin stretches taut over 

jagged and pointed bones, threatening to puncture. Devoid of musculature, his movements are spider-

like, augmented by incessantly twitchy long fingers tipped with filed and chipped blood-red nails. 

The entire right side of his body is tattooed with minute script, etched into his skin with some 

dull gold material. His clothing has been altered to drape below his saw-like right shoulder; 

appearing fresh as the day it was branded, a crude escarbuncle within a border festers on his right 

shoulder. 

Averi

@Marax

I like yours a lot.  Here's why: 

You start with the most noticeable things first, your wings and your waif thinness and then move to smaller details such as that thing on your shoulder.  From it, I can tell a lot more about you than just what you look like: pale, bald, rail-thin, heavily tattooed, atavian, dark eyes.For example, I can tell that you tend to be emotionless, that there's some darkness to you "eyes totally eclipsed by a black" not just that your eyes are black.  I know that your fingers tend to twitch and i picture you as someone who stands really straight and doesn't move/fidget a lot. 

The last sentence, doesn't really read well imo and I'd suggest breaking it up into two sentences.  Secondly, you tend to repeat some words many times in close proximity such as the word wings.  It really isn't that noticeable though.  

Since I am actually critiquing today, it's only fair that I add mine.  I've never been perfectly happy with it so please, feel free to rip it to shreds.

She is a human with a friendly, laid-back confidence present in her fluid, quiet movements. Hinting at years of practice, she walks with firm steps and a slight engarde while still maintaining the poised grace of a model. Light-blonde hair is gathered into a low, side ponytail that falls over her left shoulder in loose waves of curls, fading to a rosy pink and ending in a stark crimson red. A few loose strands frame an expressive face with two sky blue eyes and a kind smile that still occasionally hints at mischief. Steady hands and long, restless fingers gesture often when she is speaking adding a subtle liveliness to her words. 

Marax

@Averi, there's a lack of synonyms for 'wings'

And thank you ;P

Averi

I know! :< but pronouns and changes in sentence structure may help.  It really doesn't need changing, as I said, it wasn't that obvious. I just HAD to find something wrong since you asked for a critique. :P

Marax

I see what you're saying about 'wings' showing up 4 times in the first sentences!!! So glad you pointed it out!

Lianca

@Marax Very minor suggestion, but to make it more dynamic perhaps use "this waif of a man" rather than "a waif of a man" in the first sentence.

Marax

@Lianca I like that, thank you!

Anokhi

Marax said:

@Anokhi, the star-mole hanging like constellations thing...a bit unorthodox for the rest of the description, imo. It's an outlier simile that, while evocative, is subjective. You want me to see stars in a constellation, (hypothetically speaking) I see two dots on your face. Definitely not trying to be offensive, the description is awesome, but I'd probably make it more practical. Well-written though! ADD: 'once-girlish' is irrelevant...because if some looks at your weathered hands...they won't necessarily be able to tell they were once girlish. If this it nitpicky...tell me to buzz off...gin's setting in.

For the first point... I actually agree. But for some reason I'm quite enamored with my dumb simile and I can't bring myself to get rid of it.

And you have a good point re: her hands as well. I'm not even sure what I meant by the word "girlish" in this context, it just fit the image I was trying to conjure. But I doubt anyone else imagines the same thing, and at best it's unnecessary.

Averi said:

@Anokhi

I can't decide if I like it or not.  It's definitely different from how I write descriptions but a zillion people hate my character description so don't always listen to me.  I like how objective it is.  The image I got of you is slender, sun-tanned, well-built, calloused, freckled, dark hair, green eyes, and you have two dots on your face.  However, I feel that could have been said with less words.  A lot of things like a sharp jawline joining to a graceful neck doesn't have to be said because the default is your jaw is attached to your neck and in my opinion, anyone who is staring at your neck/jaw long enough to notice that it is sharp and graceful is probably about to kiss it.

And here's the second thing I was really unsure about. I'm decidedly less enamored with this description though. I'll have to think about how to rewrite it.

While I'm nitpicking my own description, do I need to clarify that her eyebrows are "well groomed"? The problem for me is when I think of thick eyebrows, I imagine eyebrows that are unkempt or verging on a unibrow or something. That might just be my weird thing though.

Averi said:

Oh, and... Welcome to Achaea!

Thank you!

edit: here's my reworked description. I included the clothes because I really like my outfit. I still need to do something about the eyes peering sleepily thing but I can't think of any way to rewrite it at the moment so it'll have to wait.

She is a human, short and slender. Her olive skin just barely reveals the subtly toned muscles underneath. Her dark brown, almost black hair is cut very short and swept to one side. Deep green eyes peer sleepily out from under thick, well groomed eyebrows. Below the corner of her mouth are two small moles, and her thin lips are accentuated by a sharp jawline. At the base of her neck, prominent collarbones fade into square shoulders. Her arms are sparsely freckled, and her hands are wind-chafed and weathered from a life spent in the wilderness. She is wearing a suit of steel chain mail, a black belt decorated with lotus blossoms, a floor-length emerald green coat, a pair of warm black leather boots, a pale blue orchid, a white peasant blouse with orchids, dark brown trousers of elk leather, a pair of fingerless gloves of black leather, and a delicate emerald heart necklace.

Jiraishin

@Anokhi Your description is overall very good. All my suggestions are on style, so feel free to ignore them if you don't like them.

1st sentence: This isn't even a criticism. While I know how to append onto that first sentence, I wasn't aware you could put a comma after the race without a space in between. How do you do that? Might be useful for my future descrips.

2nd sentence: I might change this to something like "Her olive skin covers subtly toned muscles" or something along those lines. If they are -subtly- toned, it stands to reason that they would be just barely revealed, and the current wording makes me think her skin is peeled back in places.

3rd sentence: "Her dark brown, almost black hair" is a bit clunky when attached to the rest of the sentence. If it were me, I would cut it just to "her dark hair", but in any case you might want to change it a little. Putting her hairstyle at the beginning and the color at the end might help.

4th sentence: A sharp jawline is more likely to accentuate thin lips than the other way around.

5th sentence: Not really getting the imagery here.

6th sentence: Looks great to me!

Averi

@Anokhi

I your edit. It reads a lot better now.

Anokhi

Jiraishin said:

@Anokhi Your description is overall very good. All my suggestions are on style, so feel free to ignore them if you don't like them.

1st sentence: This isn't even a criticism. While I know how to append onto that first sentence, I wasn't aware you could put a comma after the race without a space in between. How do you do that? Might be useful for my future descrips.

2nd sentence: I might change this to something like "Her olive skin covers subtly toned muscles" or something along those lines. If they are -subtly- toned, it stands to reason that they would be just barely revealed, and the current wording makes me think her skin is peeled back in places.

3rd sentence: "Her dark brown, almost black hair" is a bit clunky when attached to the rest of the sentence. If it were me, I would cut it just to "her dark hair", but in any case you might want to change it a little. Putting her hairstyle at the beginning and the color at the end might help.

4th sentence: A sharp jawline is more likely to accentuate thin lips than the other way around.

5th sentence: Not really getting the imagery here.

6th sentence: Looks great to me!

1. I didn't do anything special, I just started my description with the comma. So like describe self + , short and slender. blah blah

2. I was just thinking the same thing last night. I like what I was going for, but the wording makes it sound weird. I'll have to give it some thought.

3. Agreed. I changed it to just "dark brown". I actually based some of Anokhi's features on a woman I saw who had gorgeous hair, and the best description I could think of for the color was "dark brown, almost black". Maybe I could find an actual hue that fits instead of an approximation. I also may be overthinking this.

4. Isn't that what it says? I'm confused.

5. I'm relatively happy with this line, but I realize it probably isn't going to work for a lot of people. I mean, how many people even describe their collarbones? But what I was going for was more this than this. (ignore the weird photoshopped piercing on the first one, I guess it's from a body mod site)

@Averi Thank you! I'm pretty happy with it now. I just wish I could write a background that I'm even remotely happy with. Everything I write comes out dull as dishwater and very "This happened. Then this happened. And this happened." But I'm not messing with the permanent background, so I guess it's fine for now.

Niox

He is a graceful tsol'aa. His hair is a platinum blonde forest spilling across his narrow shoulders
and down his back in an unkempt manner, that's both lazy, and flattering in the same breath. He
appears to be roughly five feet tall, and carries his-self with an air of refined poise, in the way
he flows from movement to movement. His eyes are a brilliantine blue, like an ocean in a fit of high
tide, seeming to churn and froth with flecks of the purest white. He has long shapely legs, like a
dancer, and his strong hands end in narrow delicate fingers. His fingertips are marred by aged scars, of
runes long since burned out. His skin is pale like new snow, and softens his deep pink lips, till
the color is something akin to a dying rose.

Help me make it better if there's stuff wong. Will attempt to be thankful and not whiney, and not offended and junk :>

Jiraishin

@Anokhi You were right about the jawline thing. I think my eyes just skipped over a couple words when I read the descrip this morning. Sorry!

Averi

@Anokhi

I agree; backgrounds are really hard to write.  Thankfully, Averi doesn't really like talking about her childhood so she doesn't have one. It gives me more freedom to tweak things in terms of RP as well. Good luck though!  I am sure it will be awesomely wonderful.  

@Niox

I think it's overall really good.  I only have a few small suggestions.  One is that every single sentence starts with his or he.  It isn't a really big flaw but it makes your description mildly more boring.  Secondly, I feel like some of your word choice could be better.  I'm not sure if that was what you were going for though:  

For example:  long shapely legs - Those remind me of like Jessica Rabbit legs which look slightly weird in my mind on a dude.  Similarly, this sentence " His skin is pale like new snow, and softens his deep pink lips, till the color is something akin to a dying rose." also bears feminine connotations.  However, I am not sure if you want your char to be androgynous looking or more girlish in appearance.  If that's what you were going for, I think you should state it early on because when I am reading it, I picture like someone strong and manly like Thor and then "oh! random girly features!"  It causes a slight mismatch in mental image.  

unkempt manner, that's both lazy, and flattering in the same breath. <== This phrase. 
When you say unkempt, it already implies laziness. For you to further emphasize lazy makes me feel like your character is really REALLY lazy.  Again, I'm not sure if that's what you were going for.  

Other than those things, which are kind of small and nitpicky, I think it's pretty good.

Niox

Averi said:

@Anokhi

I agree; backgrounds are really hard to write.  Thankfully, Averi doesn't really like talking about her childhood so she doesn't have one. It gives me more freedom to tweak things in terms of RP as well. Good luck though!  I am sure it will be awesomely wonderful.  

@Niox

I think it's overall really good.  I only have a few small suggestions.  One is that every single sentence starts with his or he.  It isn't a really big flaw but it makes your description mildly more boring.  Secondly, I feel like some of your word choice could be better.  I'm not sure if that was what you were going for though:  

For example:  long shapely legs - Those remind me of like Jessica Rabbit legs which look slightly weird in my mind on a dude.  Similarly, this sentence " His skin is pale like new snow, and softens his deep pink lips, till the color is something akin to a dying rose." also bears feminine connotations.  However, I am not sure if you want your char to be androgynous looking or more girlish in appearance.  If that's what you were going for, I think you should state it early on because when I am reading it, I picture like someone strong and manly like Thor and then "oh! random girly features!"  It causes a slight mismatch in mental image.  

unkempt manner, that's both lazy, and flattering in the same breath. <== This phrase. 
When you say unkempt, it already implies laziness. For you to further emphasize lazy makes me feel like your character is really REALLY lazy.  Again, I'm not sure if that's what you were going for.  

Other than those things, which are kind of small and nitpicky, I think it's pretty good.

heh ye... he's gonna be gay, and just a bit fem I think, but thank you for the advice, and i'll totally fix those tings up!

Anokhi

I had no idea "brilliantine" was a word. Learn something new every day!