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Comments
Personal Description :
He is a horned satyr. And is particularly tall for his race, standing at about
six and a half feet, with charcoal coloured eyes, speckled with bits of gold.
His hair is an ebony colour cut close to his head and spiked only in the back.
Along his left cheek is a dark rune, etched to slant across his jaw and end just
above his chin. Across his knuckles are runes the colour of dried blood. There
is no kindness in his eyes. The back of his neck has been branded, the once-soft
skin raised and darkened.
Lifevision Mask:
Crafted from blackened steel, this mask is of austere construction, yet sits
powerfully upon the face of its wearer, concealing its lower extremeties from
view. Roughly triangular in shape, the mask encases the nose and jaw of the
wearer, sleek lines running from the bridge of the nose and down the cheeks to
where the metal snugly cups the mandible for a virtually airtight fit. Two
straps of caliginous leather wrap tightly around the wearer's head and neck,
further securing the mask. A grille has been sliced into the mask between the
nose and mouth, allowing for ease of breath and speech.
Full Plate:
This fullplate has been smelted and forged continuously to a flawless sheen,
with a deep obsidian-black hue that seems to absorb the light all around it. The
chest plate has been carefully etched with designs both jagged and rough, though
systematic in pattern, imparting an appealing sense of artistic mastery.
Extending low and strapped about the waist with carefully folded links of chain,
the plate can only be removed once the gauntlets and the helmet have been
carefully unhooked from their clasps. Steel shoulder plates have been folded and
reinforced on the insides with thick strips of leather, tanned and worked to fit
comfortably on the inside, offering not only extra padding but also height.
Jagged pieces have been worked into the shoulders to resemble flattened wings,
curving outwards and away from the face. Long gauntlets have been attached at
the elbows, the metal worked and moulded to the arms to work as a second skin,
rather than a cumbersome inhibition. Two plates have been cut and shaped to
mould about the backs of the hands, gracefully extended to cup each individual
finger to protect from the blows of combat, be it from a sword or a shield. The
helmet is a perfect example of master craftsmanship, the metal worked to cover
the entire face from the chin to the crown of the head, with only two slits
carefully worked into the steel as an opening to see. Two horns extend from
either side of the head in the likeness of a fierce beast, the twisted metal
curved upward into deadly points.
Wings:
These massive wings have been crafted from obsidian, the volcanic glass solid
despite its delicate appearance. Each individual feather has been carefully
sculpted to be uniform in size and held together with tiny ringlets of blackened
steel. The details of each feather are exquisite, every etching done by hand to
appear as though taken from a great beast. The spines of each individual wing
attach to the complementary armour via clawed appendages that pierce not only
metal, but flesh as well, ensuring all movement follows the will of the wearer.
Carved into a point, the edges have been coated in diamond dust to slice into
unsuspecting victims while in flight. When fully outstretched these wings span
more than thirty feet, casting shadows upon their surroundings and enveloping
the souls below in darkness.
She is a human of medium height, with the thin, wiry physique of one used to traveling quickly on foot. Glossy black hair, swept over her slender shoulders, is long enough to fall freely to the middle of her back, its color nearly the full opposite of her unusually pale skin. She gazes out at the world through dark eyes that do not betray emotion, but something about her countenance makes it apparent that she is used to smiling. Her arms are slim, and her wrists and hands are small, though her fingers are callused from constant use of a blade.
He is a frog-like grook. His skin is a dark, splotchy green. He is a large specimen for a Grook,
standing at approximately six foot tall. He is completely bald, without a hair on his head or face.
His face reflects weathering. Lines crease and fold his Grook skin. A long, thick scar runs from the
top right of his forehead down to the beginning of his jaw line on th left. It runs a white hot,
jagged and savage-looking. The scar intersects his nose, making it look like a mangled mess. His
eyes are deep-set. His right eye is a black onyx, reflecting the light with a glossy sheen. His left
eye is a cloudy white, indicating that he is blind in that eye. His lips are drawn tight, in a
serious fashion. When he grimaces or smiles, you can see he is missing quite a few teeth, no doubt
the result of various brawls. His neck is short and thick-set, which meld into a pair of wide
shoulders. His left shoulder drops a bit, as if it had been crushed or smashed in quite a bad
accident. His chest is flat and broad. Running down his chest is a vertical scar, about three
inches wide and sinking into his chest about one half an inch. His arms are long, and hang well
below his knees. His right hand is horribly burned and scarred, and missing several fingers, while
his left hand's webbing is completely tattered and useless. His torso is a veritable battle ground
of scars and wounds. On his right side, he is missing quite a large chunk of meat. His torso melds
into a narrow waist, which flairs back out into muscular, frog-like legs. He is wearing an earring
of Sinope through his right ear, an earring of Sinope through his left ear, a fire pendant, a
necklace of purity, an Aldar talisman, a hunter's belt, a pair of buckawn's boots, a burnished,
silvered steel armband, an unadorned silver mask, a pair of Logosian Bracelets, a Torc of Telepathy,
a Sash of Caymus, a Collar of Agatheis, an indigo-hued quiver with accents of gold and ebon, a
golden band of Draconic vigour, a ring of Lunastra, a Logosian ring, a ring of Lucretian clarity,
and a black leather loincloth.
I went the complete opposite from the normal 'paragon of beauty' thing that I see most people do.
She is a human. She generally looks a bit down-at-heel and not like much of a threat. She is rather skinny and her skin has a clear, very pale complexion. Her narrow, young face is often partially covered by long, messy bangs of her raven-black hair, which she seems to pay little mind to, usually hastily tying it to a ponytail. The only thing that really stands out about her face are her large, bright blue eyes, under which lie dark circles and eye bags. To the SIDES of her face, however, you notice two very large, protruding ears curiously peeking out, which she seems rather self-concious about.
I thought I'd chip in my description:
Having the mask gives me a bit of an excuse if I happen to forget to use physical expressions (i.e. smiling, frowning, etc). I try to use vocal expressiveness when I can, though. Tried to make a decent enough description when I have barely anything showing.
Hoping this will work out well. It is sort of difficult to decide how to express human features of an animal form, so I just skipped it.
She stands just under six feet tall with a heavy set body covered in long, orange and brown fur. A few white hairs stand up from the tips of her ears, which are mostly orange in color. Underneath her fur one can see strands of a grey undercoat. Her eyes are dark brown, and she bears a few small scars across the top of her nose. Arms and legs are that are well muscled, are augmented by short silver-white claws. Obviously shorter than normal, her tail is covered in patches of orange and brown.
She is a stout dwarf and petite in stature. Faint shades of crimson blemishes the jungle of waist
length, tightly woven braids. Her slate coloured eyes sit tight against her crooked nose, hinting
that it was broken in the heat of battle, and her cheeks appear raw and pale with a tight set jaw.
Her skin is pale, bordering on sickly. An imposing and muscular frame gives an impression of
confidence, this paired with the myriad of scars marring her flesh, suggests that she will not be
easily intimidated.
Any advice?
New description, new race, etc.
She is a winged atavian. Crowning the top of her head, thick black hair falls back in messy layers, well past her hips. The bangs are the only thing kept properly trimmed, and rest just above her bright cyan eyes. Her features are smooth, and nearly aristocratic with high cheek bones and more than a hint of confidence in her step. Standing at a full five and a half feet tall, this Atavian's body is set with modest curves easily hidden underneath baggy clothing, and wiry muscle that can't be concealed nearly as well. Spreading from her back are a pair of black wings, the entire wingspan a touch more than double her height. Stark against her sun-kissed skin, a tattoo of twisting flames skims the right side of her face and neck, disappearing beneath her clothing, with glimpses visible down the entirety of her form. The back of her left hand displays more ink, this intricate whorling glyph reminiscent of the lapping waves of the restless ocean.
@Gweyniera: You generally want to hyphenate when you're referring to 'something-coloured.' So, in this case, slate-coloured eyes. However, I find that slightly less literal descriptions of things can make descriptions sound less like a checklist (which, of course, they are, but we don't want them to -feel- that way, I suspect); something like 'Eyes as dark and grey as slate,' or somesuch might make it read a bit easier. On another note, using the word 'pale' twice in as many sentences is a bit odd-sounding, perhaps change the 'Her skin is pale, bordering on sickly' sentence to 'Her skin has a wan, pallid look, one easily mistaken for a sign of illness,' or something of the sort.
Here's a quick touchup of your description. Some of the changes are grammatical, and some are stylistic:
-------------
He is a Human, his black disheveled hair dropping freely to his shoulders, and the beard covering the lower part of his face is as black as unscorched coal, contrasting with his light brown eyes. Although his height barely touches 5'10", he is broadly built: his shoulders are wide and toned, accenting strong arms and a brawny chest. His skin is tanned like a farmer's, but [clarify the difference -- see note].
-------------
Your description gives a good general picture of Daloren's physique, and is applicable regardless of what the character is doing. Nice!
I removed the "eagerly trying to cover the lower part of his face" bit -- it's creative, but the personification is a touch too much IMHO. Also: what do you mean by his tan being "far less balanced" than a farmer's? I wasn't exactly sure what you meant there.
If you want to expand this description, I highly suggest adding some extra descriptive text about Daloren's face: does he look young? Old? Threatening? Kindly? Does he look like a hunk or a hobo, or both? Another neat thing to add would be a description of his general body language (like his posture, or a weird way of walking, or an expression he makes often). It's also OK to include your character's clothing in your description, but only if you keep it consistent with the items he's actually wearing.
Good work, and have fun! Feel free to ask about anything I suggested changing, or send me a PM.
I appreciate the insightful and expeditious response, and understand your tips. Especially after reading the amazing descriptions previously posted in this thread.
I aim to work more on the description to include your constructive feedback, and clarify more on Dalorens identity.
And you won't understand the cause of your grief...
...But you'll always follow the voices beneath.
Edit: Oh, and did I mention...The mark on his hand is also his and his family's heraldry.
PHYREXIA.
Having recently completed a basic description I was hoping for some critique. I was aiming to be concise and descriptive. I feel like perhaps the sentences are a bit wordy though.
Any and all reviews appreciated.
Thank you!
She is a graceful tsol'aa. Possessing a regal bearing common among her race, her svelte form is covered in pale, milky flesh. Silvery hair frames her heart-shaped face and its high cheekbones, cascading to the small of her back and ending in a flirtatious flip of wispy locks. Eyebrows of the same hue arch over violet eyes limned with dark circles. Thin, colourless lips rest in a slight smile beneath her button nose.
Album of Bluef during her time in Achaea
edit: her svelte form is all of pale, milky flesh could work better there.
Some notes/concerns:
Personally, I tell people to avoid using "you" in descriptions completely. You are describing what your character looks like, regardless of audience or current affectations. A rock is round and grey, regardless of whether it's at the bottom of a lake, or rolling down a mountain - you can describe the latter states with emoting/expressiveness/'live' roleplay. (This can be a quirk you can incorporate for the "she's never still", you can create a few personal emotes/twitches to fire off especially if there's occasion for others present to remain still and solemn!)
Phrases like "sort of", "rather <something>", "<something> though", "quite a bit", "a lot" etc are the ones I see as more colloquial than descriptive, more like verbal fluff than necessary to give the whole picture. You could probably reword or get rid of them completely with little lost, and it will give more confidence to your writing.
You can use "DESCRIBE SELF + and is blabla" to make the first sentence continue after the race ("She is a human and is blabla"). Maybe something like "She is a human and ghostly pale, with a scrawny frame barely reaching 5 feet in height."
I'm completely new to this game, this is my second or third day playing. Trying to get a decent description for myself, and I think I have one, but I'd like some honest criticism and feedback:
[quote]Hircaecus is a horned satyr of short stature and fair complexion. His angular, stern, yet youthful face belies a hardened personality. Light grey-blue eyes shrewdly take in his surroundings, perched above a proud aquiline nose. His hair is black, shortly cropped, and brushed forward from the crown of his head. A short, neatly trimmed beard adorns his face. His upper body is muscular and lean, while coarse dark brown hair covers his powerful legs. Despite his youth, he manages a confident demeanor.[/quote]
Is there anything missing? Is the style appropriate?
Before:
He is a human of considerable age. His face speaks volumes, in as much as small wrinkles form a contour of history, showing a harsh life and sage like wisdom. A grey, untrimmed beard, forms a mane around his cheeks and chin, augmented with a similarly coloured moustache and completed by a frame of equally grey, shoulder-length hair. This all seems to augment the fact, that his eyes reflect no light of any kind, they are utterly black. His posture immediately brings to mind the form of an ancient oak tree, which has seen, endured and grown much during it's life. His right hand seems to have been permanently stained with ink from a quill, indicating many hours of writing.
After:
He is a human long past any signs of youth, yet seemingly full of vigour and vitality. The hair on his face and head is grey, streaked with accents of black, signs of it's earlier colour. A trimmed beard and knife edge moustache are well-groomed, while his long hair is neatly tied at the back of his head, hanging down to reach just below his shoulders. Two black orbs are his eyes, absorbing all light, a stark contrast to his lightly tanned skin. Like an ancient oak tree, his posture is sturdy and grounded. The fingers of his right hand carry the telltale signs of ink stains from a quill.
What can I say, the lady has skills :pleased:
Have to admit, that typo was entirally my fault.
Hlep! Hlep! Da splelig mostner gots mi !!!
As it turns out though, Athelas cleans up goooooood!
See what the right kind of gal can do to a lone Druid.
Yes, the eyes are kreepy as hell, but they are exactly the way I imagine them, they reflect nothing!
Yes, there is a damn good reason for it!
No, Athelas doesn't know what that reason is.
He is a powerful troll, thickly muscled and broad of shoulder he stands nearly eight feet in height, his skin granite grey. High and sharp cheekbones give him a gaunt and haunted look. His eyes are a relucent yellow in colour, burning from deep sockets. The ears of this troll come to a sharp point, his nose seems to have been broken and set at a slight crook.
He is wearing:
a hooded black cloak, a men's durable black shirt, a pair of men's durable black trousers, and a pair of heavy, steel-encased boots.
Weapon holders:
a blackened steel scabbard.
Containers:
a wyrmskin pack.
Misc:
A seamless ebon facemask.
She is a winged atavian. Standing just over a metre and a half in height, she carries a frail, lithe frame that is not curvaceous nor entirely childish in shape. Disheveled onyx-tinted wings pair upon her back. Near-alabaster paints her delicate skin, complementing the lustrous ebony tresses that fall over her left shoulder. They gently trail down, her bangs parted elegantly to the right. Crimson, embossed lines form an escarbuncle brand bordered by more freshly seared flesh upon her upper left arm. Large, shimmering amethyst eyes stand out from her pale complexion, framed by voluminous lashes, a thin application of raven eyeliner, and smoky gradient lids. They lead to a gracefully upturned button nose, then less than full rose-tinted lips. Her thin figure is shaped with a delicate curve at the hips and a small chest, her thin arms leading down to tiny hands, a glossy jet hue inking her nails. Her legs, perhaps the only lightly toned area of her body, add slightly to her mere stature.