Descriptions Wanted 1.0

Anokhi

I changed the 2nd line of my description to "Her olive skin hints at the subtly toned muscles underneath." I think it works better, but it feels like something is missing from the beginning of the sentence. It should be "The _________ of her olive skin hints at the subtly toned muscles underneat." But I don't really know what should go there. The only two I thought of are:

"The lines of her olive skin hint at the subtly toned muscles underneath."
"The definition of her olive skin hints at the subtly toned muscles underneath."

I'm not too fond of either, but if I had to choose I'd go with lines. Even though definition works there, it seems like definition goes more with muscles than skin.

.I feel like I'm probably putting way too much thought into this description, but I'm really starting to like my character, and I think one of the best ways to show I'm serious about her is to have a really good description. If that makes any sense. I hope I'm not getting to the point where I'm fiddling with it too much and actually making it worse. Maybe I'll leave it alone for a few days and then come back to it

Xli

Niox said:

He is a graceful tsol'aa. His hair is a platinum blonde forest spilling across his narrow shoulders
and down his back in an unkempt manner, that's both lazy, and flattering in the same breath.

He is a graceful tsol'aa, his platinum blond hair cascading across his narrow shoulders and down his back in an unkempt manner which is both lazy and flattering in equal proportions.

Galdavia

she is a lizard-like xoran. She stands a good six and a half feet tall. Her face has squarish features though her head resembles that of a boa. She has a face clear of horns. The end of her snout, around her mouth is a redish brown while the rest of her scales are a dull Tuscan red, save for her mottled back. She peers through a pair of large yellow eyes. Her head rests upon a thick neck that connects to a large taut body. Her tail is of average size and swings about slowly. Like her body, her arms and legs are also fairly muscular.

I'm not very good at this but, here ya go.

Coeur

Latest look because I can't remember what I look like (apart from my current display picture on forums) and... weeeelllll why not. Constructive comments welcome, looking to flesh this out more or describe more goodies.

She is a winged atavian. Lithe and slender, her skin is pale with only the faintest hint of its once sun-kissed glow. Windswept ebon waves cascade on either side of her face, strands of silver gleaming amongst two loose braids that intertwine at the back of her head. Clear blue-green eyes grace an otherwise plain visage, their gleam mirrored by the iridiscent shimmer of clouded glass-like feathers.

Sybilla

Galdavia said:

she is a lizard-like xoran. She stands a good six and a half feet tall. Her face has squarish features though her head resembles that of a boa. She has a face clear of horns. The end of her snout, around her mouth is a redish brown while the rest of her scales are a dull Tuscan red, save for her mottled back. She peers through a pair of large yellow eyes. Her head rests upon a thick neck that connects to a large taut body. Her tail is of average size and swings about slowly. Like her body, her arms and legs are also fairly muscular.

I'm not very good at this but, here ya go.

@Galdavia -

If you like, you merge your second sentence with the first ("lizard-like xoran") using DESCRIBE SELF + and stands a good...

You repeat "face", and it isn't very clear (for me personally at least) what you mean by "clear of horns". 

Reddish brown has two D's, possibly a hyphen but I'm not sure, and Tuscan red doesn't exist in Achaea (no such thing as Tuscany!) Perhaps use a synonym, maybe terracotta?

Some find the whole head-upon-neck-upon-body thing redundant, it's expected that's the normal way of things and only needs describing if it veers from the norm. You can shuffle this about and include it earlier, something like "Her head it is devoid of horns and resembles that of a boa, with squarish features giving way to a thick neck."

Then later you might mention her body being muscular, large and taut, so you wouldn't need to include arms and legs (it would go without saying).

This is all just my opinion, and not to be taken as the be all and end all of descriptions. Just hope it helps you a little!

Coeur said:

Latest look because I can't remember what I look like (apart from my current display picture on forums) and... weeeelllll why not. Constructive comments welcome, looking to flesh this out more or describe more goodies.

She is a winged atavian. Lithe and slender, her skin is pale with only the faintest hint of its once sun-kissed glow. Windswept ebon waves cascade on either side of her face, strands of silver gleaming amongst two loose braids that intertwine at the back of her head. Clear blue-green eyes grace an otherwise plain visage, their gleam mirrored by the iridiscent shimmer of clouded glass-like feathers.

@Coeur -

I like it! One thing that stuck out is the first bit "Lithe and slender" because you go on to talk about her skin and it seems like it should agree with that but it obviously doesn't. (There's a grammatical name for this, but it eludes me right now!) Probably fixed with "She is a lithe and slender woman, her skin" to give that clause a subject of its own.

That and iridescent (with an E instead of an I). Looks lovely otherwise!

Coeur

@sybilla

Thank you for the quick reply.

Xith

a four-winged staff of polished ivory

Elemental runes are carved up the length of this four foot staff in a spiral. 

The fair ivory is polished, letting light glimmer gracefully over the instrument.

 At the head of the staff are four Atavian wings, the lower pair considerably 

smaller than the upper. Chiseled from the same flawless ivory, the wings have 

been enchanted to flutter as though through an otherworldly wind.

A winged elemental staff lies on the ground, fluttering pitifully.

touch staff

A four-winged staff of polished ivory's enchanted wings flutter attentively at your touch.

First sentence definitely a little clunky, but I tend to write descriptions in a single, sporadic draft. Anyway, my most recent customisation.

Ferseth

I know it is horrid but I was never good a descriptions.

 

He is a powerful troll. Standing at seven feet tall his body is toned and well defined. His head is bald and smooth, his skin is a mottled gray-green. His left ear bears a scar at its apex. Deep purple eyes peer beneath his large brow line.

Still trying to figure out how to describe the brow line properly.

also is this only for character descriptions or are room descriptions welcome?

Cathy

He is a powerful troll. Standing at seven feet tall his body is toned and well defined. His head is bald and smooth, his skin is a mottled gray-green. His left ear bears a scar at its apex. Deep purple eyes peer beneath his large brow line.

-------

He is a powerful troll that stands at a burly seven foot tall. Muscles ripple beneath taught skin, each subtle flex and movement accentuating the power within. A queasy mixture of a dingy grey and an acrid green compose his skin, which is most evident upon his completely bald head. Upon the left side of his head, a vicious scar tears through the flesh, leaving a poorly healed resemblance to what was once an ear. A thick, eternally furrowed brow half-conceals two unusually purple eyes, resembling a set of sparkling sapphires. A thick neck edges out from the side of his strong jaw, both of which have a smattering of unkempt stubble which leads down into a rather primitive bush of chest hair. His shoulders are broad, as befitting his size and race, leaving no questions as to his raw potential. Constantly flicking too and fro, his fingers move out of an old habit, continuously seeking their previous occupation.

-------

How about something like that?

Ferseth

Ear damage is a bit .. grotesque ... the brow and eyes are amazing. I have no clue what is up with the hands but I like it! Thanks for the quick response. 

Shirszae

So, new description. I've been told it has some awkward spots, and I'd like the help of all of you in routing them out. Also, suggestions are welcome. Thank you!

She is a beautiful siren of the northern wilds, but the severe, angular features of her ancestral home are colored a faint olive hue instead of with the expected wintry paleness. Otherwise Small of height and lean, her cast is embellished by a child-like complexion. At the level of the eyes a black, silken eye-patch is worn, hiding the right one but accentuating the other's rich amber hue, as well as the wide-staring expression and the encircling shadows. Framing all this are only a few, stray snowy locks, most having been pulled back into a tight ponytail reaching down past the shoulders and held with black strips of leather. Unashamedly, her neck openly flaunts two cauterised fang marks, while a number of white scales faintly dot the face, most beside the thin, uncoloured lips, and her cheek bears a burn scar in the shape of what seems to be an escarbuncle within a border. Possessor of a siren's undeniable beauty, no other claim of femininity insinuates itself to the eyes beyond the obviousness of her race.

Anedhel

'the severe, angular features of her ancestral home are tinged a faint olive huge, instead of the expected wintry pale.' I would say. The 'Otherwise Small of height' line is a bit confusing, I'm not sure what you're driving at there. 'At the level of the eyes' isn't really necessary; where else would someone wear an eyepatch? I'd replace it with 'A silken eye-patch hides her right eye, but that only makes the other's rich amber hue all the more noticeable' etc. I'd replace 'Framing all this' to 'Only a few, stray snowy locks frame her face, as the rest have been' etc. etc.

I also generally assume descriptions to be in the present tense, as opposed to past, but that might just be my own hang-up.

She's so pretty.

Shirszae

Daeir said:

 In this case, what are the features of a siren of the northern wilds?

The idea is that she has similar features to people inhabiting the Tundra. 

Taraus

---------
She is a beautiful siren whose shoulder-length hair consists of wholesome, crimson-hued and cerise-streaked locks shimmering with vitality. Her piercingly vivid, amethystine eyes radiate a diaphanous aura of fuchsian cast; the wanton mists of ethereal luminance shifting mystically. Despite the sheer, fluctuating miasma surrounding her eyes but never lurking past her ears, each eye's pupil is eerily of a hue rivaling the most elusive of the rare viridian emeralds; the pupils' colour all but shattering the formless haze in front of them. Each movement of the siren's eyelids propels the apparently continuous flow of spectral haze outward, like a short-lived gale in a tranquil desert. XXX's face appears to have been aged only slightly, its apparent physical vitality matching that of a pampered duchess approximately thirty years of age. Her lips are charming, their pigment matching that of each iris' amethystine hue. Despite the youthful anatomy of this elegant siren, her face exudes an air of sagehood. XXX's torso is enchantingly proportioned; her bust amply fills out the garments covering it, while her shoulders and arms are noticeably toned, leaving the impression that she must be quite athletic. Her midsection is worthy of wonder yet is anatomically proportionate to her bust and her lower body; her waistline appearing to be approximately thirty-two inches. Her hips, thighs and calves are evidently quite powerful and supple; an embodiment of feminine agility and strength. Her fingernails are cunningly manicured, trimmed to within about seven millimeters past the tip of the finger or thumb attached to each one. Her nails, organic razors, are pristinely polished with an obsidian, platinum-infused polish; the varnish shimmering a nearly blinding deluge of crimson, scarlet, amethyst, emerald, gold, cerulean and jade hues. This paradoxical marvel of a siren is guilefully placid.
----------

While this isn't -my- description, and the owner likely isn't looking for a revamp, I still felt compelled to... well.

I'm very appreciative of descriptive things, but I think it reaches a point where it goes beyond simply being overly descriptive into downright absurd (to say nothing of the misconception that seems to exist that if what's been written is essentially just a regurgitated thesaurus, it's "really creative"). I'm of the mind that this is more into the latter, but I may be judging unfairly. Description wizards, what say you?

Kyrra

Is it Maefeng?

Coeur

Lots of pretty colors.

Shirszae

It could stand some improvement, yes. Removing the name from the description itself, for example. But thats just a personal preference of mine. I honestly prefer over-descriptiveness to over-vagueness.

Kei

Sounds almost like someone forgot to take off their ERP description...and honestly, @Shirszae, I agree with you on that, but I've also found that a lot of people's eyes will just glaze over when presented with a wall of text that large. There's verbosity, and there's purple prose, and in my opinion that person tends more towards self-congratulatory purple prose in that example. The bigger problem is the self-congratulatory style of writing, I feel.

Kei's original description was about that long, and since I basically halved it more people have actually commented on things in it. Regardless, I agree, and would love to use multiple paragraphs to describe Kei and everything about her, sort of like a brief and a verbose description.

Shadrac

Here's mine - short and sweet, generally like my characters to be more on the unattractive side.  Though ideas welcome.

=====

He is a human. Oil-slicked hair, only a few inches long, is pasted away from his face, pushed down 

to the top of his broad scalp.  Moss green, hooded eyes sit upon his square shaped face, crowning an 

oversized beak-shaped nose.  His lower face is completely devoid of facial hair, clean shaven and 

lacking any scars.  Firm and thin lips sit over his square chin, lending a cruel aspect to his block-

like face.  A strapping musculature dominates his frame, thick, trunk like arms further emphasising 

a pugilist's body.  Olive toned skin stretches tautly over his towering figure, his hands scarred 

around the knuckles with tough tissue.

=====

Anedhel

I understand the urge to use pretty, flowery descriptions of things, but that's pretty out there. (Not Shadrac, the nameless person)

Edit: Because Taraus asked for an educated opinion (I think), I would say that I'm not necessarily comfortable with my eye constantly eyeing women's racks and waistlines, or men's musculature and physique. While it's not necessary a sex-driven thing, and conveying an impression you wish to is always fine, there's a difference between that and the certain knowledge that my character, by virtue of looking at people, usually only ever takes away three things- a person's eye color/possibly hair style, their secondary sexual features and their size, and tattoos/piercings/other bodily adornments. Which is fine, I'm sure most people notice when others have, say, pierced eyebrows or whatever. Nevertheless, most descriptions (and this one) reduce people to a series of parts, rather than create an impression, and I don't much care for that.

Similarly, while I'm all for letting people do whatever the hell they want with their descriptions, the moment you start describing someone who belongs in Warcraft more than in Achaea (mist in front of the eyes and emerald pupils, forreal?), you've totally lost me.

On a related note, I always ascribed to a description as being what a person can learn at a glance, or a bit of observation, but not what they'd learn if they spent a couple hours studying the character's physical appearance. I tend to try and focus on things people'd notice right away, or would stick in their memories, rather than every detail ever I think is cool about Annie.

Which brings me to my greater point. In the end, I find that I feel descriptions are not so much for describing every last physical detail you feel it's important for others to know, but rather for creating a 'feel' for the person you're describing, so those who look at him/her are given the impression they're already addressing someone tangible, with form, and defined. If you feel it's important that your character has incredible 'organic razors' for fingernails, make that part of the way you play that character; create situations where those details come up, and are important. Else, it's fluffery, and I promise my character'd never spend a lot of time looking at a person's nails to determine their sharpness, nor would he sit around judging how tight someone's breasts are against their shirt.

Lyosha

[quote]XXX's torso is enchantingly proportioned ..[/quote]

Ngl, I laughed.

[quote]He is a human. [1] Oil-slicked hair, only a few inches long, is pasted away from his face, pushed down to the top of his broad scalp. [2] Moss green, hooded eyes sit upon his square shaped face, crowning an oversized beak-shaped nose. [3] His lower face is completely devoid of facial hair, clean shaven and lacking any scars. [4] Firm and thin lips sit over his square chin, lending a cruel aspect to his block-like face. [5] A strapping musculature dominates his frame, thick, trunk like arms further emphasizing a pugilist's body. [6] Olive toned skin stretches tautly over his towering figure, his hands scarred around the knuckles with tough tissue.[/quote]



First, wtf is a pugilist. Second, I hate my iPhone. Anyway, let's break it down, shall we?



[1] Oil-slicked hair, only a few inches long, is pasted away from his face, pushed down to the top of his broad scalp. Hmmm. No.



Start with what someone's scrutiny would reveal immediately, like defining [read: unusual] characteristics or the more well-known height and build. E.g. +, of tall height and a thick, sturdy build, the play of considerable muscle evident beneath the taut stretch of olive-hued skin.



Yeah, that was horrid, don't use that. Umm. I got nothing else.

Eld

Lyosha said:

First, wtf is a pugilist. Second, I hate my iPhone. Anyway, let's break it down, shall we?

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pugilist

Lyosha

Oh. Why, thank you.

Maefeng

Taraus said:

---------
She is a beautiful siren whose shoulder-length hair consists of wholesome, crimson-hued and cerise-streaked locks shimmering with vitality. Her piercingly vivid, amethystine eyes radiate a diaphanous aura of fuchsian cast; the wanton mists of ethereal luminance shifting mystically. Despite the sheer, fluctuating miasma surrounding her eyes but never lurking past her ears, each eye's pupil is eerily of a hue rivaling the most elusive of the rare viridian emeralds; the pupils' colour all but shattering the formless haze in front of them. Each movement of the siren's eyelids propels the apparently continuous flow of spectral haze outward, like a short-lived gale in a tranquil desert. XXX's face appears to have been aged only slightly, its apparent physical vitality matching that of a pampered duchess approximately thirty years of age. Her lips are charming, their pigment matching that of each iris' amethystine hue. Despite the youthful anatomy of this elegant siren, her face exudes an air of sagehood. XXX's torso is enchantingly proportioned; her bust amply fills out the garments covering it, while her shoulders and arms are noticeably toned, leaving the impression that she must be quite athletic. Her midsection is worthy of wonder yet is anatomically proportionate to her bust and her lower body; her waistline appearing to be approximately thirty-two inches. Her hips, thighs and calves are evidently quite powerful and supple; an embodiment of feminine agility and strength. Her fingernails are cunningly manicured, trimmed to within about seven millimeters past the tip of the finger or thumb attached to each one. Her nails, organic razors, are pristinely polished with an obsidian, platinum-infused polish; the varnish shimmering a nearly blinding deluge of crimson, scarlet, amethyst, emerald, gold, cerulean and jade hues. This paradoxical marvel of a siren is guilefully placid.
----------

While this isn't -my- description, and the owner likely isn't looking for a revamp, I still felt compelled to... well.

I'm very appreciative of descriptive things, but I think it reaches a point where it goes beyond simply being overly descriptive into downright absurd (to say nothing of the misconception that seems to exist that if what's been written is essentially just a regurgitated thesaurus, it's "really creative"). I'm of the mind that this is more into the latter, but I may be judging unfairly. Description wizards, what say you?

@Taurus > I'll have you know that I edited that description to have a lower reading level than it originally had. The last time I edited it, though, was in maybe mid-2011. I've since improved the writing styles that I use. Also, if you'd really like to see "a regurgitated thesaurus," I can whip one up for you. I have always been known for my high vocabulary and have been complimented on it. Also, just because you encounter more than one or two "big words" doesn't mean that a description is haughty and whatnot. My writing habits are different than yours, surely. I don't feel the need to show off my large vocabulary, but I also don't feel like I have to dumb-down my writing so that I won't be criticized by people with too much time on their hands who like to insult others.

@Kei > Self-congratulatory purple prose? Really? Feel free to explain exactly what you mean before I cast judgement on your statement.

@Kyrra > Thanks for recognizing.

@Coeur > Thanks for the "pretty colours" compliment.

Nim

I think we should all just agree to accept one another's feelings on the matter. If @Maefeng is OK with most people never reading her description because holy tentacle-wielding beings of eternal madness that's a long description, then we should be OK with her writing such a long description.

On that note, though, I thought I'd mention why I gave @Shirszae a disagree. Aside from the issues that the longer your description, the less likely it will be read (thus defeating the point of having one), I think things that support or fuel the imagination are better for a text medium such as Achaea. In that regard, detail isn't necessarily the enemy, but it is something that needs to be cultivated and controlled.

In short, be detailed where it really matters, and be vague where the reader's imagination will do a better and quicker job than you could ever hope to do.

Maefeng

@Shirszae > I agree that my personal desc can use some improvement. I've just been putting off revamping it for the sake of my commissions and design queue. Also, I'm still contemplating how exactly I want Maefeng to look. A lot of things have changed in her life since I created that description.

@Nim > A lot of people read my description. Most people won't read each other's descriptions because "most" changes with the tides of characters that are Reborn and that go dormant. Furthermore, there's no current data that "most" players actually read each other's character descriptions. Also, notice that I didn't mention Mae's skin color, cheekbones, eyebrows, cheeks, or ears. I also kept her hair relatively nondescript. I do leave parts of Maefeng's appearance up to interpretation. Thanks

Nim

Maefeng said:

@Nim > A lot of people read my description. Most people won't read each other's descriptions because "most" changes with the tides of characters that are Reborn and that go dormant. Furthermore, there's no current data that "most" players actually read each other's character descriptions. Also, notice that I didn't mention Mae's skin color, cheekbones, eyebrows, cheeks, or ears. I also kept her hair relatively nondescript. I do leave parts of Maefeng's appearance up to interpretation. Thanks

Only the first paragraph that I wrote was about your description, although perhaps I was projecting when I said "most." I didn't read it, so I'm unable to comment beyond suggesting that it be broken up into paragraphs, which is a useless suggestion given that Achaean descriptions are always singular paragraph, or to write it with that limitation in mind. The other paragraphs were strictly a comment to what Shirszae said in general!

Maefeng

Okay

Maefeng

Maefeng said:

Taraus said:

---------
She is a beautiful siren whose shoulder-length hair consists of wholesome, crimson-hued and cerise-streaked locks shimmering with vitality. Her piercingly vivid, amethystine eyes radiate a diaphanous aura of fuchsian cast; the wanton mists of ethereal luminance shifting mystically. Despite the sheer, fluctuating miasma surrounding her eyes but never lurking past her ears, each eye's pupil is eerily of a hue rivaling the most elusive of the rare viridian emeralds; the pupils' colour all but shattering the formless haze in front of them. Each movement of the siren's eyelids propels the apparently continuous flow of spectral haze outward, like a short-lived gale in a tranquil desert. XXX's face appears to have been aged only slightly, its apparent physical vitality matching that of a pampered duchess approximately thirty years of age. Her lips are charming, their pigment matching that of each iris' amethystine hue. Despite the youthful anatomy of this elegant siren, her face exudes an air of sagehood. XXX's torso is enchantingly proportioned; her bust amply fills out the garments covering it, while her shoulders and arms are noticeably toned, leaving the impression that she must be quite athletic. Her midsection is worthy of wonder yet is anatomically proportionate to her bust and her lower body; her waistline appearing to be approximately thirty-two inches. Her hips, thighs and calves are evidently quite powerful and supple; an embodiment of feminine agility and strength. Her fingernails are cunningly manicured, trimmed to within about seven millimeters past the tip of the finger or thumb attached to each one. Her nails, organic razors, are pristinely polished with an obsidian, platinum-infused polish; the varnish shimmering a nearly blinding deluge of crimson, scarlet, amethyst, emerald, gold, cerulean and jade hues. This paradoxical marvel of a siren is guilefully placid.
----------

While this isn't -my- description, and the owner likely isn't looking for a revamp, I still felt compelled to... well.

I'm very appreciative of descriptive things, but I think it reaches a point where it goes beyond simply being overly descriptive into downright absurd (to say nothing of the misconception that seems to exist that if what's been written is essentially just a regurgitated thesaurus, it's "really creative"). I'm of the mind that this is more into the latter, but I may be judging unfairly. Description wizards, what say you?

@Taurus > I'll have you know that I edited that description to have a lower reading level than it originally had. The last time I edited it, though, was in maybe mid-2011. I've since improved the writing styles that I use. Also, if you'd really like to see "a regurgitated thesaurus," I can whip one up for you. I have always been known for my high vocabulary and have been complimented on it. Also, just because you encounter more than one or two "big words" doesn't mean that a description is haughty and whatnot. My writing habits are different than yours, surely. I don't feel the need to show off my large vocabulary, but I also don't feel like I have to dumb-down my writing so that I won't be criticized by people with too much time on their hands who like to insult others.

@Kei > Self-congratulatory purple prose? Really? Feel free to explain exactly what you mean before I cast judgement on your statement.

@Kyrra > Thanks for recognizing.

@Coeur > Thanks for the "pretty colours" compliment.

> Maefeng's new personal description: She is a beautiful siren whose bicep-length hair consists of crimson-hued and cerise-streaked locks shimmering with vigour. Her piercing eyes radiate a diaphanous aura of argent cast, the wanton flames of ethereal luminance shifting mystically. Despite the sheer, fluctuating miasma surrounding her eyes but never lurking past her ears, each eye's pupil is eerily of a hue rivalling the rarest of the scarlet rubies; the pupils' colour all but shattering the flickering haze in front of them. Like a short-lived gale in a tranquil desert, each movement of the siren's eyelids propels the inferno outward. Her face appears to have been aged only slightly, its apparent physical vitality matching that of a pampered duchess approximately thirty years of age. Her scarlet lips strike a charming balance between thin and full. Despite the youthful anatomy of this elegant siren, her face exudes an air of sagehood. Her torso is enchantingly proportioned: her bust amply fills out the garments covering it, while her shoulders and arms are noticeably toned, leaving the impression that she must be quite athletic. Her midsection is worthy of wonder yet is anatomically proportionate to her bust and her lower body, her waistline appearing to be approximately thirty inches. Her hips, thighs and calves are evidently quite powerful and supple, an embodiment of feminine agility and strength. Her fingernails are trimmed to within a quarter of an inch past the tip of the finger or thumb attached to each one. Organic razors, the nails are cunningly manicured and painted with a platinum-infused polish, the varnish shimmering a nearly blinding deluge of variegated hues. I reduced it from the previous version by 248 characters, including spaces.

Kei

@Maefeng I'm writing this quickly before work, so I apologize if it's a little rushed, but I wanted to give you the explanation you requested.

What I mean by self-congratulatory purple prose is text written in such a way as to make the writer/written subject seem like the most awesome, beautiful, desirable, strong, fast, witty, and/or insert-adjective-here X that ever existed. Am I correct in my summation of your description? Maybe not, I'll be frank and say I didn't read through it all in detail because it was too long, and I didn't recognize it as yours either. I just caught out a few key words and made a general statement to the effect of "In my experience, overly long, adjective-laden descriptions don't get read". I should not have posted without actually reading the entire thing in detail and giving an honest and constructive critique, I'm sorry.

Should I have used "adjective-laden wall of text" instead of "self-congratulatory purple prose"? Probably, and I will take the blame for that.

In any case, my sincere apologies if I offended you (or indeed anyone else), but I will stand by my opinion that it is far too long and including far too many details that seem to serve only to use adjectives and accentuate everything as amazing and perfect. I suppose there's nothing inherently wrong with that, I just don't like it, I used to do it, and my current circle of writing friends agree it's just not as effective at conveying ideas.

ETA: And what I meant by the 'ERP description' comment was that I found it extremely odd to walk around with BWH measurements and such in the description, it seems like a thing someone would only care about in a more intimate setting -- I'm not going to be measuring you, especially under a suit of fieldplate, whenever I look at you.