Descriptions Wanted 1.0

Sybilla

I've been busy with moving and haven't had much time to log in lately. Now that I'm settled, I used the catch-all excuse that Sybilla's "been ill" and wanted to amend her description. I'd love some pointers if there's anything I could improve.

Her old description:

She is a graceful tsol'aa with skin the colour of aged parchment and eyes of striking malachite. Her stature is ordinary for one of her race: a couple of hands-breadths above the average human, but no higher than the tallest among them. Unlike many of her brethren, she is not graced by dainty or rounded features, but is a medley of angular traits. Her high cheekbones draw attention to her heavy-lidded eyes, thick-lashed and set under well-groomed but full eyebrows. Coupled with a strong jawline and proud nose, she appears of hawkish countenance. Her physique is sinewy and firm, with long, supple limbs; her waist gently tapers inwards from her hips and shoulders. Twin braids depart from her temples, circling her cranium, and meet at the back of her head in an elegant plait. She wears the rest of her rusty tresses unbound, they flow to her lower back in waves. Her gait is confident and her posture sober, and she gesticulates prominently as she speaks.

Her new description:

She is a graceful tsol'aa with skin the colour of aged parchment and eyes of striking malachite. Consumed by physical toil and prolonged illness, her constitution is now gaunt and reddish around her eyes and nostrils. She wears her rusty tresses shoddily bound in an amorphous bun, which further draws attention to her hawkish features with high cheekbones, strong jawline and proud nose. Her posture remains sober, she stands a couple of hands-breadths taller than the average human. Though taken over with the occasional cold shiver, she gestures prominently to her speech. Her travel clothes smell as if they've been freshly laundered, but their fading patches and fraying hems betray a well-used outfit.

I'll remove the last line if she wears something different for a special occasion. 

Chryenth

@Sybilla

1) Consumed is the wrong word, I think. Ravaged, perhaps?

2) '... remains sober; she stands...'

3) '... she gestures prominently in time with her speech.' Because the current line doesn't make sense.

Sorry for taking so long. 'S a good description.

Ada

Ok! New description, I'm trying longer hair and added some more body detail.

She is a beautiful siren. A lush cascade of reddish-brown hair falls to her waist with a few tousled locks artfully framing her face. Her angular face is smooth and tapers neatly to a gentle chin. A pair of large, sea-green eyes complemented by a small upturned nose and full sensual lips adorn her visage. Like most of her cousins, she appears comely with a tightly worked out figure and lustrous skin that seems to glow in the faintest light. She has a tall stature just shy of six feet accentuating her lissome, curvaceous profile.

I'm not sure about the wording around the skin Thoughts?

Chryenth

1) Being something of a recluse IG, I'm going to assume I've never met your cousins. Ergo, I have no idea who your description refers to.

2) To me, that description makes your skin seem exceptionally pale. Is that the effect you were going for?

Katzchen

Chryenth said:

1) Being something of a recluse IG, I'm going to assume I've never met your cousins. Ergo, I have no idea who your description refers to.

2) To me, that description makes your skin seem exceptionally pale. Is that the effect you were going for?

'cousins' would refer to 'all sirens' in this case?

Chryenth

... Touche. 

Ada

Chryenth said:

1) Being something of a recluse IG, I'm going to assume I've never met your cousins. Ergo, I have no idea who your description refers to.

2) To me, that description makes your skin seem exceptionally pale. Is that the effect you were going for?

Oops, I'll make that 'racial sisters' to avoid ambiguity. Yep, Ada has a pale skin and umm.. yay diamondskin!

Chryenth

I can dig diamondskin. That stuff is amazing.

I might suggest 'bright light' rather than 'faintest light', but otherwise that's a fine description.

Ada

Thanks!

Xli

He is a lizard-like xoran and is a particularly raggedy and slight looking example of the species. His scales are dull and frayed, and his eyes pale and listless. The crown of his head is covered in a sparse stubble, loose scales trapped in amongst the wirey hair. A small line of drool runs in rivulets down his chin from the corner of his mouth, his tongue incessantly flicking in and out to stem to flow. His tail is approximately 3 feet in length, tapering down to an almost whip-like thinness before flaring in a piscine fashion towards the end, and the nails on toes of his calloused feet are smashed and cracked.

Chryenth

1) '3' should be 'three'

2) How exactly does one fray a scale? 'rough' might be a better fit, there.

Otherwise, I like.

Delphinus

Chryenth said:

2) How exactly does one fray a scale? 'rough' might be a better fit, there.

I'd assume it works the same way as frayed hair: with edges that are cracked, split, scuffed, or worn. Seems fine to me.

Xli

Chryenth said:

2) How exactly does one fray a scale? 'rough' might be a better fit, there.

Abrasion, of course! Fray means to cause deterioriation or wear on something, usually material, by rubbing it. Metaphorically, this can apply to less tangible things, such as our nerves or our tempers.  It is closely related to the word friction,  as both have as a common ancestor the Latin fricāre,  meaning “to rub.”

Chryenth

I stand corrected. Or answered, or whatever.

That leaves a fine description, then.

Vasse

Here's mine!

He is a mhun. Far from being a stand out in a crowd, this young man is perhaps the definition of
mhun average in appearance. Thin but with wiry strength, his lanky build gives his confident gait
grace. Long black hair falls loosely past his shoulders, the same shade as his slanted eyes while a
few freckles meander across his nose and angular cheekbones. A sharp-lined escarbuncle has been
branded into his left forearm, the wound blistering an angry red.

Chryenth

Average-looking descriptions are hard. /preface

1) 'Far from being a stand out' is an awkward construction. 'Far from standing out' reads a little better.

2) '... definition of a mhun...'

3) Again, '... lanky build gives his confident gait grace.' is a little awkward.

Other than that, seems very good.

Syri

This looks helpful. This is what I currently have:

She is a wisp of a woman with a pale, freckled complexion and small stature which at a mere glance looks devoid of any feminine curves. Her face is thin and has a button nose and dark brown eyes framed by gracefully curving eyebrows. Her hair falls in auburn waves to the small of her back while her bangs are parted to either side before being tucked behind her ears.

Sasiya

She is a graceful tsol'aa woman with a svelte body and long, willowy limbs. She is a person of stark contrasts, a vision of strength and frailty, beauty and fierceness, resolve and softness condensed into one single being: that of a tsol'aa warrior maiden. Dark, velvety hair falls freely along her back, wild, unkempt strands of midnight black dipping just past the small of her back, brushing lightly against the slope of her rump. High, angled cheekbones and an elegant, chiselled countenance mark her heritage more clearly than any of her other characteristics, although there is something vaguely ethereal over her delicate features - a faint shimmering upon her smooth, pale complexion or possibly her almond-shaped, vivacious green eyes - that hints at her lineage in much more subtle ways. Indeed, there is something profoundly alien about her unyielding emerald gaze; large, dilated pupils take in her surroundings with a keen and vivid interest, a lingering, burning intensity gleaming within their depths. Her athletic figure is tall and exceedingly thin, gaunt even for one of her kind, appearing more suited for a ballroom than the battlefield. Still, she brims with a predatory grace and power, her demeanor and mannerisms reminiscent of a full-blooded soldier's, vibrant with the all confidence and arrogance of youth. A rune shaped like a mighty oak has been sketched onto her. A rune resembling an elk has been sketched onto her. A rune like a lion has been sketched onto her.
She is wearing:
 a delicate pendant set with a large, oval emerald,
 dusky, form-fitted armour of battle-worn steel,
 a pair of finely crafted steel gauntlets,
 a sheer gossamer loincloth adorned with emeralds, and
 utilitarian, steel combat boots

Reading through my description, I almost feel like I was a bit over-ambitious. Sometimes, less is more. Criticism and suggestions would be very welcomed.


This was my inspiration for the description:

[spoiler]
[/spoiler]

Jiraishin

New description, though probably fairly temporary. The shaved head for sure is.

He is a mhun of average height. Lean of frame, he moves with swift economy, his
manner guarded and his grey eyes constantly assessing his surroundings. A
shaven skull accentuates the thinness of his face and the grim set of his
features, which though youthful are lined by hardship and bitter experience.

Thoughts, compared to the last one?

Amunet

You will want commas in this phrase: "which, though youthful, are lined by...." Otherwise, I can find no fault with it.

Synbios

Sasiya said:

She is a graceful tsol'aa woman with a svelte body and long, willowy limbs. She is a person of stark contrasts, a vision of strength and frailty, beauty and fierceness, resolve and softness condensed into one single being: that of a tsol'aa warrior maiden. Dark, velvety hair falls freely along her back, wild, unkempt strands of midnight black dipping just past the small of her back, brushing lightly against the slope of her rump. High, angled cheekbones and an elegant, chiselled countenance mark her heritage more clearly than any of her other characteristics, although there is something vaguely ethereal over her delicate features - a faint shimmering upon her smooth, pale complexion or possibly her almond-shaped, vivacious green eyes - that hints at her lineage in much more subtle ways. Indeed, there is something profoundly alien about her unyielding emerald gaze; large, dilated pupils take in her surroundings with a keen and vivid interest, a lingering, burning intensity gleaming within their depths. Her athletic figure is tall and exceedingly thin, gaunt even for one of her kind, appearing more suited for a ballroom than the battlefield. Still, she brims with a predatory grace and power, her demeanor and mannerisms reminiscent of a full-blooded soldier's, vibrant with the all confidence and arrogance of youth. A rune shaped like a mighty oak has been sketched onto her. A rune resembling an elk has been sketched onto her. A rune like a lion has been sketched onto her.
She is wearing:
 a delicate pendant set with a large, oval emerald,
 dusky, form-fitted armour of battle-worn steel,
 a pair of finely crafted steel gauntlets,
 a sheer gossamer loincloth adorned with emeralds, and
 utilitarian, steel combat boots

Reading through my description, I almost feel like I was a bit over-ambitious. Sometimes, less is more. Criticism and suggestions would be very welcomed.


This was my inspiration for the description:

[spoiler]
[/spoiler]

Where's your Templar-issued shuriken catapult? And your Banshee's Mask? 

Chryenth

@Syri

 

She is a wisp of a woman with a pale, freckled complexion and small stature which at a mere glance looks devoid of any feminine curves. Her face is thin and has a button nose and dark brown eyes framed by gracefully curving eyebrows. Her hair falls in auburn waves to the small of her back while her bangs are parted to either side before being tucked behind her ears.

 

1. The first sentence seems to cover two different ideas - you could probably get away with splitting it into two sentences (Complexion/Stature) without issue.

2. Like the character it portrays, there isn't much meat to it. You could probably talk a little more about her physique.

@Sasiya

 

She is a graceful tsol'aa woman with a svelte body and long, willowy limbs. She is a person of stark contrasts, a vision of strength and frailty, beauty and fierceness, resolve and softness condensed into one single being: that of a tsol'aa warrior maiden. Dark, velvety hair falls freely along her back, wild, unkempt strands of midnight black dipping just past the small of her back, brushing lightly against the slope of her rump. High, angled cheekbones and an elegant, chiselled countenance mark her heritage more clearly than any of her other characteristics, although there is something vaguely ethereal over her delicate features - a faint shimmering upon her smooth, pale complexion or possibly her almond-shaped, vivacious green eyes - that hints at her lineage in much more subtle ways. Indeed, there is something profoundly alien about her unyielding emerald gaze; large, dilated pupils take in her surroundings with a keen and vivid interest, a lingering, burning intensity gleaming within their depths. Her athletic figure is tall and exceedingly thin, gaunt even for one of her kind, appearing more suited for a ballroom than the battlefield. Still, she brims with a predatory grace and power, her demeanor and mannerisms reminiscent of a full-blooded soldier's, vibrant with the all confidence and arrogance of youth.

 

1. The idea of contrasts is a good one, but bear in mind the wide variety of perspectives available. For a Targossian, strength and frailty mightn't be as opposed as they would be for a Mhaldorian. Equally, a Mhaldorian might find fierceness beautiful, but a Cyreneian is unlikely to. #NotAchaeanRacistOrAnything
2. You use 'back' twice in the same sentence. The first one could be 'behind her' or something.
3. Shimmery skin or suchlike doesn't hint at your lineage unless we already know what it is, and then it hints that you're one of Them. Shimmering skin is fine, but an observer might just assume you have a rare skin disease or something.
4. Demeanour.

@Jiraishin Don't have to old one to compare it to, but Amunet beat me to it. Nice.

@Synbios Banshees were issued shuriken pistols, because they count as additional combat weapons. Also paper thin armour that couldn't stop bolters worth a damn. (Striking Scorpions for the win.)

Jiraishin

old one, for reference:

He is a mhun of average height. Lean and lightly built, he moves with swift economy, grey eyes constantly assessing and re-assessing his surroundings. Framed by short-cropped dark hair, his features are thin and youthful, lined by hardships and weariness rather than age.

Line wrapping is weird because the forums seem to have issues with Microsoft Word.

Chryenth

I stand by my last point. I actually prefer the newer one because there's more to it.

Synbios

Chryenth said:

@Synbios Banshees were issued shuriken pistols, because they count as additional combat weapons. Also paper thin armour that couldn't stop bolters worth a damn. (Striking Scorpions for the win.)

Obviously she needs to be upgraded to an Exarch ASAP and get a pair of Mirrorswords.

Mannimar

Working on a pet description right now, but I can't seem to get the flow right. What I have right now is:

Eyes shrouded by the white clouds of cataracts peer out from the round head of this large black raven. A white bolt streaks down his right side, ending abruptly at the start of his leg. In stark contrast to his blind eyes, his thin beak shines with a deep black sheen. His head bobs and turns, taking in the sounds of his surroundings, occasional pausing, seemingly lost in thought, only to revive unexpectedly.

Chryenth

@Mannimar

Eyes shrouded by the white clouds of cataracts peer out from the round head of this large black raven. A white bolt streaks down his right side, ending abruptly at the start of his leg. In stark contrast to his blind eyes, his thin beak shines with a deep black sheen. His head bobs and turns, taking in the sounds of his surroundings, occasional pausing, seemingly lost in thought, only to revive unexpectedly.

 

1. A white bolt. Presumably you mean a lightning bolt, and presumably you mean the image of one and not a real one. Though the imagery is less powerful, might I suggest a streak of white feathers or something? It's hard to make detailed patterns in feathers (though I acknowledge, not impossible.)

 

2. The last sentence doesn't flow. Maybe say '… his surroundings. Occasionally pausing as if in thought, he periodically seems to freeze before unexpectedly returning to motion.

Eurynomos

Here my description of an satyr.  I tried to keep it simple as possible for starters.

He is a horned satyr. With a full brown beard that covers his dirty face. His horns curl backwards reminisce of a large ram. Deep hazel green eyes peer out from his face. His shoulders, chest, and arms are broad and muscular. Coarse brown hair covers his powerful goat legs.

Chryenth

@Eurynomos

He is a horned satyr. With a full brown beard that covers his dirty face. His horns curl backwards reminisce of a large ram. Deep hazel green eyes peer out from his face. His shoulders, chest, and arms are broad and muscular. Coarse brown hair covers his powerful goat legs.

 

Bolded to highlight the following points.

1. I forget the exact syntax right now, but there's a way to set it to '...satyr with…' Sybilla either has a better memory than me, or can actually be bothered to log in. Either way, TY!
2. Second sentence doesn't make sense. You mean '… backwards in a manner reminiscent of…'
3. The rest is fine, though it seems a little dull. Is there anything the distinguishes you from every other green-eyed brown-haired satyr in Achaea?

 

I should point out that whilst shorter descriptions are generally nicer to read, there's nothing wrong with going up to maybe twice the length you've got here.

Sybilla

Chryenth said:

1. I forget the exact syntax right now, but there's a way to set it to '...satyr with…'

It's DESCRIBE SELF + with a full...etc.