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Descriptions Wanted 1.0

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  • AhmetAhmet Wherever I wanna beMember Posts: 3,370 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    No more sartanic obscenities please.
    Huh. Neat.
    Kyrra
  • MinifieMinifie Member Posts: 2,319 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Tahquil said:
    "Her lips are cracked from years of misuse..."

    She be the BJ Queen of Mhaldor. Someone call up Herenicus.
    I refuse to salivate to ensure their BJs are bland an unenjoyable.


    (Mhaldor's Next Top Model): Taryius says, "Oops, thats not a foray. Thats two novices going at it in the wilderness."
  • TysandrTysandr Member Posts: 443 ✭✭✭✭ - Eminent
    Minifie said:
    Tahquil said:
    "Her lips are cracked from years of misuse..."

    She be the BJ Queen of Mhaldor. Someone call up Herenicus.
    I refuse to salivate to ensure their BJs are bland an unenjoyable.
    Redefining 'razor blades when I pee' phenomenon
    Nexus: Accents, Autotriggers, Dragon Talismans
    "As the child did... without the rope. Then fear will find you again."

  • BrenexBrenex Member Posts: 106 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    edited April 2018
    He is a human and is lean standing at six feet tall, above-average height for his race. His skin is fair with a slight olive-tan hue to it and nary a wrinkle is seen. Shifting with each step, straight neatly-kept inky-black hair falls like a curtain down slightly past his shoulders. His hair drapes his long, aristocratic face and lenticular honey-coloured eyes above which sit clean, angulated brows. His face is accented by an elegantly maintained handlebar moustache sitting neatly over a narrow strip goatee on a narrow sharp chin. A ringed escarbuncle has been burned to the flesh of his right shoulder.



  • AndariaAndaria Member Posts: 1
    'She is a winged atavian. Her petite frame stands five feet tall. Pulled into a tight, waist length braid, her hair is the colour of sun bleached river-reeds. Large eyes, each iris a summer-dusk-blue, fill her tanned, freckled little face. Soil stains her bare feet with dust-speckled earthen tones. White wings arch high above her head, each feather-tip mottled by magenta and orange pigmentations.'

    What do people think? Have I done it right?

    Cailin
  • BwarskBwarsk Member Posts: 9
    He is a powerful troll and he stands a hulking eight feet tall, His body is toned and muscular, His skin looks thick and almost leather-like with a blue-grey coloured hue covering it. He has dark brown coloured eyes and has a pair of medium sized tusk like teeth protruding from his mouth. His hair sits in a unkempt mohawk atop his head and is coloured a bright fire-like red.

    -------------------------------
    Been playing for a little bit and havent got around to writing a description for myself, im not the best of writers - so if anyone has any way of writing things better then i have that would be extremely helpful.
    Cailin
  • DupreDupre M.Member Posts: 288 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    You need to use lowercase h after the commas unless you are new to the Pantheon and no one told us
    https://www.achaea.com/banner/caiges.jpg
    BwarskTaryius
  • CailinCailin Member Posts: 344 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    My first description was similar to that - "Her hair is... Her eyes are... Her smile is..." and honestly it felt a bit repetitive. With the help of a friend, I rewrote it a little, and it seemed to flow better after I did that. This is what it looked like after I changed it:

    "She is a human, a slender girl of medium height. Curly nut-brown hair falls in a long braid behind her pleasant face. Wide, innocent blue eyes sit atop a button nose, covered in freckles. Her smile is wide and winsome."

    Your description is pretty good though, I like it.
  • JiraishinJiraishin skulkingMember Posts: 2,028 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    look Jiraishin
    He is a mhun. He is invisible. Go away.
    ________________________
    The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."
    DraukoCailinIlira
  • DraukoDrauko Member Posts: 27 ✭✭ - Stalwart
    CLANHELP ADP is helpful. I need to craft a description at some point. No one really looks at maggots though.
    Arn Drubak exclaims, "Do you know who I am, Drauko? My father will kill you for this!"
    You say in a variant pitched voice, "No, no he will not. Now look at the flowers."

  • TorinnTorinn Member Posts: 1,230 @ - Epic Achaean
    Not if we have lifevision!  Don't you be forcing my rps!!  B)
    Deucalion says, "Torinn is quite nice."
    JiraishinDrauko
  • JiraishinJiraishin skulkingMember Posts: 2,028 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    My actual description is 

    He is a mhun of average height. Lean of frame, he moves with swift economy, his
    manner guarded and his grey eyes constantly assessing his surroundings. 
    Short-cropped dark hair frames a thin face: his features, though surprisingly 
    youthful, are lined by hardship and bitter experience. A sharp edge has left 
    small scars at the corners of his mouth and on his lips' inside edges; his 
    coppery skin is marked elsewhere by thin blade scars, the most prominent of 
    which run vertically down one cheekbone and underneath his jaw, respectively. 
    Further scars stipple the fingertips of his left hand.

    But let's face it, the other one is more accurate. And @Torinn, you jerks with lifevision are what the 'go away' is for.  :p
    ________________________
    The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."
    Torinn
  • YgiaYgia Member Posts: 161 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    Blonde-tipped hair cascades down her face in a manner halfway between elegant and childish, threatening to catch at her neck or flit down to cover her steely-blue gaze with every turn or motion of her head. Her hair's roots are beginning to take an argent shade, the telltale signs of age showing at least in this, much earlier than elsewhere. Her skin is like a dusty peach, and faint scars of varying origins trace her arms - some burns, some cuts, and so on. Broad once-golden wings spread proudly behind her back, their edges charred a copper-maroon, and in some places even darkened to near-black. Though fuliginous, they seem whole and unharmed, each feather meticulously preened.

    I've put this in as my new description following Reasons™ and IC Things™, but something about it still feels a bit off. Maybe it's the grammar, or the pacing, or something. Any suggestions for adjustments for it to read a bit more neatly? I'm usually good with this stuff but IRL things have me all jumbled ATM.

    Also, with a certain artefact on, it auto-adjusts to this:
    Blonde-tipped hair cascades down her face in a manner halfway between elegant and childish, threatening to catch at her neck or flit down to cover her steely-blue gaze with every turn or motion of her head. Her hair's roots are beginning to take an argent shade, the telltale signs of age showing at least in this, much earlier than elsewhere. Her skin is like a dusty peach, and faint scars of varying origins trace her arms - some burns, some cuts, and so on. Broad wings flick from her back, rendered translucent by gossamer enchanted fabric that makes them seem like the wings of a common fairy, though a faint blackening is noted at the edges the gossamer does not coat, evidence of some long-distant burning.

    Any suggestions on this variant, in turn? Legitimately trying to make myself look a bit neater/more easily readable etc. Thank you. <3 :love:
  • DupreDupre M.Member Posts: 288 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    Needs more "Shallam-touched"
    https://www.achaea.com/banner/caiges.jpg
  • ArmaliArmali Member, Secret Squirrel Posts: 1,257 ✭✭✭✭✭ - Grand Achaean
    I would put a comma between Broad and once-golden.

    The second sentence doesn't read as well as the rest of your description. You could change it to, say:

    The roots have begun to take an argent shade, a sign of aging not reflected elsewhere on her.

    Ygia
  • YgiaYgia Member Posts: 161 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    Dupre said:
    Needs more "Shallam-touched"
    This isn't funny anymore. Let people grow.
    Armali said:
    I would put a comma between Broad and once-golden.

    The second sentence doesn't read as well as the rest of your description. You could change it to, say:

    The roots have begun to take an argent shade, a sign of aging not reflected elsewhere on her.

    Hi. I just want to say, thank you for your response. 💖 You're quite right in the readability of that sentence, as considered on waking. I'll set about modifying it, and the wings, with your suggestions. Thank you.
  • YgiaYgia Member Posts: 161 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    edited January 24
    I've changed the two variants according to feedback to be as follows. Thanks again, Armali <3

    + , whose sunny-blonde hair cascades down the sides of her face in a manner halfway between elegant and childish, threatening to catch at her neck or flit down to cover her steely-blue gaze with every turn or motion of her head. The roots of her locks have begun to take an argent shade, a sign of ageing not yet reflected elsewhere on her. Her skin is like a dusty peach, and faint scars of varying origins trace her arms - some burns, some cuts, and so on. Broad, once-golden wings spread proudly behind her back, their edges charred a copper-maroon, and in some places the entire surface has even darkened to near-black. Though fuliginous, they seem mostly whole and unharmed, each feather meticulously preened with only the outer layer showing tangible physical damage.


    + , whose sunny-blonde hair cascades down the sides of her face in a manner halfway between elegant and childish, threatening to catch at her neck or flit down to cover her steely-blue gaze with every turn or motion of her head. The roots of her locks have begun to take an argent shade, a sign of ageing not yet reflected elsewhere on her. Her skin is like a dusty peach, and faint scars of varying origins trace her arms - some burns, some cuts, and so on. Broad wings flick from her back, rendered translucent by gossamer enchanted fabric that makes them seem like the wings of a common fairy. However, a smoky umber is noted at the edges the gossamer does not coat, unspoken evidence of some long-past burning.

    Ilira
  • JiraishinJiraishin skulkingMember Posts: 2,028 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    @Ygia I'd advise going through and looking for places passive voice can be eliminated without changing meaning. 
    ________________________
    The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."
  • YgiaYgia Member Posts: 161 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    Jiraishin said:
    @Ygia I'd advise going through and looking for places passive voice can be eliminated without changing meaning. 
    I've always been a bit confused by passive voice. It's not something they really teach over here, and once I was old enough to converse with tons of americans & other folk I found out it's apparently quite a big deal to fix. Never got around to actually learning about it though, which has kind of been my downfall in some things.

    I'll do some cursory googling and give a shot at reworking the descs. Thank you for the heads up! <3
  • JiraishinJiraishin skulkingMember Posts: 2,028 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    @Ygia forums is only loading on my phone right now (don't ask) but if you send me the desc over Discord I can work with you on it! 
    ________________________
    The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."
  • AstarodAstarod Member Posts: 410 ✭✭✭✭ - Eminent
    He is a lizard-like xoran. He stands with a firm posture, reaching five foot nine. Broad, scaled shoulders present a more solid presence, unwilling to yield to environmental adversity that might challenge him. His smooth, protective scales gleam with the darkness of a cold, moonless night. Lightless, obsidian black eyes gleam with intense, youthful focus as he surveys his surroundings in a subtle, yet confident manner. Quick movements with his calloused hands betray his nervous energy, contracting what appears to be an indomitable and composed form. Long onyx claws of a moderate length extend from his palms. Some of his scales are chipped, and a few old scars decorate his chest and back, but the most poignant scar is a long, curving white line that adorns his left cheek, giving his countenance a more ghastly resemblance. The edge of particularly nasty scar on his lower left back can be barely visibly seen as his grim cloak moves.

    It's all fun and games until your IC girlfriend is 6'10" or 4'2". Let me know if anything looks weird, I made this description once and never really looked at it again, save to add a scar every 400 or so deaths.
     

     The Divine voice of Twilight echoes in your head, "See that it is. I espy a tithe of potential in your mortal soul, Astarod Blackstone. Let us hope that it flourishes and does not falter as so many do."
  • DupreDupre M.Member Posts: 288 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    You mean "contrasting" not "contracting"
    https://www.achaea.com/banner/caiges.jpg
    Astarod
  • AstarodAstarod Member Posts: 410 ✭✭✭✭ - Eminent
    Dupre said:
    You mean "contrasting" not "contracting"
    Thanks! I'll update
     The Divine voice of Twilight echoes in your head, "See that it is. I espy a tithe of potential in your mortal soul, Astarod Blackstone. Let us hope that it flourishes and does not falter as so many do."
  • PyoriPyori Member Posts: 1,740 @ - Epic Achaean
    edited January 25
    Astarod said:
    The edge of a particularly nasty scar on his lower left back can be barely visibly seen as his grim cloak moves.
    Missing the 'a'
    The sentence itself reads a little weirdly, though. The 'barely visibly seen' is kind of awkward. It should probably say that it's barely visible behind his grim cloak, or that it can barely be seen behind his grim cloak.

    Astarod
  • VinzentVinzent Member Posts: 163 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    Not that you should have clothes in a description to begin with.
  • PyoriPyori Member Posts: 1,740 @ - Epic Achaean
    Vinzent said:
    Not that you should have clothes in a description to begin with.
    It's perfectly fine to include it, if you have descriptions that match what you're wearing. Pyori used to have a number of different ones, before I restarted my profile and forgot to grab the aliases for them. Had a login trigger setup that would default to her ordinary outfit, and change the description appropriately. Then again on the various 'outfit changing' lines.
    The help file specifically states it may contradict with what you're actually wearing. Not that it's bad to do. You should actually try and be helpful in a thread that's asking for help.

  • ArmaliArmali Member, Secret Squirrel Posts: 1,257 ✭✭✭✭✭ - Grand Achaean
    From HELP DESCRIPTION

    Do not include clothing, your gender, race, or what you are carrying or
    wielding: those are already shown automatically when someone looks at you.
    CooperIlira
  • AntoniusAntonius Member Posts: 4,907 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    There's a substantial difference between including a sentence like "He's wearing a shirt, a pair of trousers and some boots." in your description (because the game is already going to do that) and mentioning that, for example, your character has a tattoo that is partially concealed by the sleeve of their shirt, as long as you are 1. wearing a shirt and 2. the shirt you're wearing makes sense to partially cover that tattoo.
    JiraishinAstarodTaryius
  • PyoriPyori Member Posts: 1,740 @ - Epic Achaean
    Armali said:
    From HELP DESCRIPTION

    Do not include clothing, your gender, race, or what you are carrying or
    wielding: those are already shown automatically when someone looks at you.
    References to clothes ~= including the clothes themselves, as Antonius pointed out. Which is exactly what I was referring to.

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