Descriptions Wanted 1.0

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  • My first description was similar to that - "Her hair is... Her eyes are... Her smile is..." and honestly it felt a bit repetitive. With the help of a friend, I rewrote it a little, and it seemed to flow better after I did that. This is what it looked like after I changed it:

    "She is a human, a slender girl of medium height. Curly nut-brown hair falls in a long braid behind her pleasant face. Wide, innocent blue eyes sit atop a button nose, covered in freckles. Her smile is wide and winsome."

    Your description is pretty good though, I like it.
  • look Jiraishin
    He is a mhun. He is invisible. Go away.
    ________________________
    The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."

    (Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
  • CLANHELP ADP is helpful. I need to craft a description at some point. No one really looks at maggots though.
  • Not if we have lifevision!  Don't you be forcing my rps!!  B)
    Deucalion says, "Torinn is quite nice."
  • My actual description is 

    He is a mhun of average height. Lean of frame, he moves with swift economy, his
    manner guarded and his grey eyes constantly assessing his surroundings. 
    Short-cropped dark hair frames a thin face: his features, though surprisingly 
    youthful, are lined by hardship and bitter experience. A sharp edge has left 
    small scars at the corners of his mouth and on his lips' inside edges; his 
    coppery skin is marked elsewhere by thin blade scars, the most prominent of 
    which run vertically down one cheekbone and underneath his jaw, respectively. 
    Further scars stipple the fingertips of his left hand.

    But let's face it, the other one is more accurate. And @Torinn, you jerks with lifevision are what the 'go away' is for.  :p
    ________________________
    The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."

    (Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
  • Blonde-tipped hair cascades down her face in a manner halfway between elegant and childish, threatening to catch at her neck or flit down to cover her steely-blue gaze with every turn or motion of her head. Her hair's roots are beginning to take an argent shade, the telltale signs of age showing at least in this, much earlier than elsewhere. Her skin is like a dusty peach, and faint scars of varying origins trace her arms - some burns, some cuts, and so on. Broad once-golden wings spread proudly behind her back, their edges charred a copper-maroon, and in some places even darkened to near-black. Though fuliginous, they seem whole and unharmed, each feather meticulously preened.

    I've put this in as my new description following Reasons™ and IC Things™, but something about it still feels a bit off. Maybe it's the grammar, or the pacing, or something. Any suggestions for adjustments for it to read a bit more neatly? I'm usually good with this stuff but IRL things have me all jumbled ATM.

    Also, with a certain artefact on, it auto-adjusts to this:
    Blonde-tipped hair cascades down her face in a manner halfway between elegant and childish, threatening to catch at her neck or flit down to cover her steely-blue gaze with every turn or motion of her head. Her hair's roots are beginning to take an argent shade, the telltale signs of age showing at least in this, much earlier than elsewhere. Her skin is like a dusty peach, and faint scars of varying origins trace her arms - some burns, some cuts, and so on. Broad wings flick from her back, rendered translucent by gossamer enchanted fabric that makes them seem like the wings of a common fairy, though a faint blackening is noted at the edges the gossamer does not coat, evidence of some long-distant burning.

    Any suggestions on this variant, in turn? Legitimately trying to make myself look a bit neater/more easily readable etc. Thank you. <3:love:
  • Needs more "Shallam-touched"
  • I would put a comma between Broad and once-golden.

    The second sentence doesn't read as well as the rest of your description. You could change it to, say:

    The roots have begun to take an argent shade, a sign of aging not reflected elsewhere on her.

  • Dupre said:
    Needs more "Shallam-touched"
    This isn't funny anymore. Let people grow.
    Armali said:
    I would put a comma between Broad and once-golden.

    The second sentence doesn't read as well as the rest of your description. You could change it to, say:

    The roots have begun to take an argent shade, a sign of aging not reflected elsewhere on her.

    Hi. I just want to say, thank you for your response. 💖 You're quite right in the readability of that sentence, as considered on waking. I'll set about modifying it, and the wings, with your suggestions. Thank you.
  • edited January 2019
    I've changed the two variants according to feedback to be as follows. Thanks again, Armali <3

    + , whose sunny-blonde hair cascades down the sides of her face in a manner halfway between elegant and childish, threatening to catch at her neck or flit down to cover her steely-blue gaze with every turn or motion of her head. The roots of her locks have begun to take an argent shade, a sign of ageing not yet reflected elsewhere on her. Her skin is like a dusty peach, and faint scars of varying origins trace her arms - some burns, some cuts, and so on. Broad, once-golden wings spread proudly behind her back, their edges charred a copper-maroon, and in some places the entire surface has even darkened to near-black. Though fuliginous, they seem mostly whole and unharmed, each feather meticulously preened with only the outer layer showing tangible physical damage.


    + , whose sunny-blonde hair cascades down the sides of her face in a manner halfway between elegant and childish, threatening to catch at her neck or flit down to cover her steely-blue gaze with every turn or motion of her head. The roots of her locks have begun to take an argent shade, a sign of ageing not yet reflected elsewhere on her. Her skin is like a dusty peach, and faint scars of varying origins trace her arms - some burns, some cuts, and so on. Broad wings flick from her back, rendered translucent by gossamer enchanted fabric that makes them seem like the wings of a common fairy. However, a smoky umber is noted at the edges the gossamer does not coat, unspoken evidence of some long-past burning.

  • @Ygia I'd advise going through and looking for places passive voice can be eliminated without changing meaning. 
    ________________________
    The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."

    (Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
  • Jiraishin said:
    @Ygia I'd advise going through and looking for places passive voice can be eliminated without changing meaning. 
    I've always been a bit confused by passive voice. It's not something they really teach over here, and once I was old enough to converse with tons of americans & other folk I found out it's apparently quite a big deal to fix. Never got around to actually learning about it though, which has kind of been my downfall in some things.

    I'll do some cursory googling and give a shot at reworking the descs. Thank you for the heads up! <3
  • @Ygia forums is only loading on my phone right now (don't ask) but if you send me the desc over Discord I can work with you on it! 
    ________________________
    The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."

    (Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
  • He is a lizard-like xoran. He stands with a firm posture, reaching five foot nine. Broad, scaled shoulders present a more solid presence, unwilling to yield to environmental adversity that might challenge him. His smooth, protective scales gleam with the darkness of a cold, moonless night. Lightless, obsidian black eyes gleam with intense, youthful focus as he surveys his surroundings in a subtle, yet confident manner. Quick movements with his calloused hands betray his nervous energy, contracting what appears to be an indomitable and composed form. Long onyx claws of a moderate length extend from his palms. Some of his scales are chipped, and a few old scars decorate his chest and back, but the most poignant scar is a long, curving white line that adorns his left cheek, giving his countenance a more ghastly resemblance. The edge of particularly nasty scar on his lower left back can be barely visibly seen as his grim cloak moves.

    It's all fun and games until your IC girlfriend is 6'10" or 4'2". Let me know if anything looks weird, I made this description once and never really looked at it again, save to add a scar every 400 or so deaths.
     

    The Divine voice of Twilight echoes in your head, "See that it is. I espy a tithe of potential in your mortal soul, Astarod Blackstone. Let us hope that it flourishes and does not falter as so many do."

    Aegis, God of War says, "You are dismissed from My demense, Astarod. Go forth and fight well. Bleed fiercely, and climb the purpose you have sought to chase for."
  • You mean "contrasting" not "contracting"
  • Dupre said:
    You mean "contrasting" not "contracting"
    Thanks! I'll update
    The Divine voice of Twilight echoes in your head, "See that it is. I espy a tithe of potential in your mortal soul, Astarod Blackstone. Let us hope that it flourishes and does not falter as so many do."

    Aegis, God of War says, "You are dismissed from My demense, Astarod. Go forth and fight well. Bleed fiercely, and climb the purpose you have sought to chase for."
  • edited January 2019
    Astarod said:
    The edge of a particularly nasty scar on his lower left back can be barely visibly seen as his grim cloak moves.
    Missing the 'a'
    The sentence itself reads a little weirdly, though. The 'barely visibly seen' is kind of awkward. It should probably say that it's barely visible behind his grim cloak, or that it can barely be seen behind his grim cloak.

  • Not that you should have clothes in a description to begin with.
  • Vinzent said:
    Not that you should have clothes in a description to begin with.
    It's perfectly fine to include it, if you have descriptions that match what you're wearing. Pyori used to have a number of different ones, before I restarted my profile and forgot to grab the aliases for them. Had a login trigger setup that would default to her ordinary outfit, and change the description appropriately. Then again on the various 'outfit changing' lines.
    The help file specifically states it may contradict with what you're actually wearing. Not that it's bad to do. You should actually try and be helpful in a thread that's asking for help.

  • From HELP DESCRIPTION

    Do not include clothing, your gender, race, or what you are carrying or
    wielding: those are already shown automatically when someone looks at you.
  • There's a substantial difference between including a sentence like "He's wearing a shirt, a pair of trousers and some boots." in your description (because the game is already going to do that) and mentioning that, for example, your character has a tattoo that is partially concealed by the sleeve of their shirt, as long as you are 1. wearing a shirt and 2. the shirt you're wearing makes sense to partially cover that tattoo.
  • Armali said:
    From HELP DESCRIPTION

    Do not include clothing, your gender, race, or what you are carrying or
    wielding: those are already shown automatically when someone looks at you.
    References to clothes ~= including the clothes themselves, as Antonius pointed out. Which is exactly what I was referring to.

  • AmunetAmunet Spokane, Washington, USA
    I only tend to add in things my character is wearing when how the item is being worn would otherwise be ambiguous. When you wear a rose, for example, it just says, 

    "She is wearing: 

    a black rose"

    For all anyone knows, my character could have the rose pinned to the front of her dress. She could have it in her hair. With some characters, the rose might even be shoved somewhere particularly uncomfortable. There is no way the reader will be able to tell, unless it is in your description.




    My avatar is an image created by this very talented gentleman, of whose work I am extremely jealous. It was not originally a picture of Amunet, but it certainly looks a great deal like how I envision her!
  • She is a beautiful siren, evinced by the enigmatically beguiling allure of her presence and immutability of her youthful pulchritude. Bounteous raven ringlets spill over narrow shoulders like smooth spirals of velvet and gossamer, and tumble down her back to dance around her exiguous waist - their unbound cascade luxuriantly leonine. The sleek curls that border the petite roundness of her face form an endearing frame that accentuates the fine line of her slim jaw and smooth curves of her cheeks, a small part above the left side of her brow. Angelical, her physiognomy is one exquisitely sculpted of alabaster, the fragility of which is naught but an exemplification of the marble-like definition of her subtly vulpine features. Arched by the elegantly curved slimness of her eyebrows, gently tilted, great almond eyes shine a rich, crystalline sapphire, their unwavering clarity redolent of oceanic intensity. The irises' serene limpidity encompasses rings of aurulent effulgence, molten pools of liquid sunlight that are lent further radiance by the abyssal inkiness of the pupils at their centres. The mesmeric gaze is framed by the feathery extense of her lashes, the full fringe subtly curling at its satiny tips. Swept into by gracefully arching cheekbones, a button nose rests above heart-shaped lips of luxurious carmine, their velvet rosiness paired with the natural incarnadine brushed across each cheek; moonlit porcelain, the petal soft, delicate silk of her creamy skin is enriched by that vivid juxtaposition. Sinuously sculpted  limbs are well-proportioned to her diminutive stature - this, little hands and feet, and exceeding daintiness lend to her elfin finesse and appeal. Fine-boned and slim, her svelte physique is a slight slip, angular delicacy softened with gorgeously ripe femininity; supple and elegant, her delineated curves culminate in a lush hourglass of lissome grace. Pearlescent and barely raised, the intricate lines of a seven-spoked escarbuncle brand her left palm.




    I'm looking to significantly condense this, while retaining the same meaning minus all the purple prose. I'd really like to make the writing style cleaner and purer, and could use tips! 
    Remember when you were young?
    You shone like the sun.
    Shine on, you crazy diamond.
  • KlendathuKlendathu Eye of the Storm
    Lion-like hair, fox-like features... it's a chimera!


    Tharos, the Announcer of Delos shouts, "It's near the end of the egghunt and I still haven't figured out how to pronounce Clean-dat-hoo."
  • "She is a dark-haired Siren, exuding all the features you'd expect from the same"

    But.. I suck at descriptions so..

  • The description veers hard into purple prose. I'd suggest simplifying it.
    ________________________
    The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."

    (Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
  • edited January 2019
    Seems like someone spent far too much time with a thesaurus. Obscure words ≠ better description. Especially when a lot of them are just filler words, that really don't serve any purpose except to make the description longer.

    Jiraishin said:
    The description veers hard into purple prose. I'd suggest simplifying it.

    Not sure it's 'veered hard into' and moreso 'completely demolished the wall separating it'


  • Jiraishin said:
    The description veers hard into purple prose. I'd suggest simplifying it.
    Well no shit sherlock
    Ilira said:
    I'm looking to significantly condense this, while retaining the same meaning minus all the purple prose.
  • AmunetAmunet Spokane, Washington, USA
    The entire Siren race is an invitation for purple prose. Reincarnate, and start over as a human. ;)
    My avatar is an image created by this very talented gentleman, of whose work I am extremely jealous. It was not originally a picture of Amunet, but it certainly looks a great deal like how I envision her!
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