Descriptions Wanted 1.0

Nazihk

Zenith said:

@Remilia

I'm pretty new to all this so maybe it's okay to not say it (or maybe I missed it), but what color is her hair? Is that something you think you should include? 

"Her luxuriant hair is bound in a loose ponytail at the nape of her neck, tumbling down her back in a voluminous flaxen mess."

"Flaxen" is sort of a golden blonde sort of color, the color of flax seeds.

Beowin

Sure why not:

She is a graceful tsol'aa. Quite short for one of her race, Beowin stands at only four 

foot two. What she lacks in height she makes up for in form. Sea grey eyes cast a stern 

countenance, though if one looks long enough, fire sparks in their depths. Dark Auburn 

hair tumbles in thick wavey layers just above her shoulders, framing delicate facial 

features usual for her race. Along the right side of her face and down the corresponding 

side of her body are deep set scars, both burnt and cut, of all different sizes and shapes.

She is immensely toned, soft enough by look, but in movement muscle is keenly evident. Her 

feminine features are even, balanced, and not at all vuluptuous. In certain clothing a 

name can be seen in elegant tiny script, inked blue on her upper ribs, left side.

Virgo

Beowin said:

Sure why not:

She is a graceful tsol'aa. Quite short for one of her race, Beowin stands at only four foot two [1]. What she lacks in height she makes up for in form. Sea grey eyes cast a stern countenance, though if one looks long enough, fire sparks in their depths. Dark auburn hair tumbles in thick wavey layers [2] just above her shoulders, framing delicate facial features usual for her race [3]. Along the right side of her face and down the corresponding side of her body are deep set scars, both burned and cut, of all different sizes and shapes. She is immensely toned, soft enough by look, but in movement muscle is keenly evident [4]. Her feminine features are even, balanced, and not at all voluptuous. In certain clothing a name can be seen in elegant tiny script, inked blue on her upper ribs, left side. [5]

I like how it is, just a few things.

1. This is all personal, but I'd suggest making her taller. Sure, she can be short, I've seen a lot if short adults (5'2, 5'3, etc), but 4'2..... Eh. I'm sure everyone would be fine with it, but I personally find it a little distasteful. 

2. Just a comma here. "... thick, wavey layers..."

3. I'd delete this, as you mentioned her race having an effect on her features already. But that one is just 50/50, whichever you want is entirely fine. 

4. Wording is a little odd here. Maybe it's the "in movement muscle is keenly evident". Perhaps you should change it to "She is immensely toned and soft enough by look." We know she's fit, decently muscled, trim, athletic all from the word "toned", but the "in movement muscle is keenly evident" makes me think "She raises her hand and BAM, bulging bicep and her forearm is veiny" which I don't think you're going for. If you wanted to keep it, maybe "her lean muscles flex with every movement" or something.

5. I think you should remove the "in certain clothing" and have your character rock a crop top 24/7. 

@Beowin

Beowin

Virgo said:

Beowin said:

Sure why not:

She is a graceful tsol'aa. Quite short for one of her race, Beowin stands at only four foot two [1]. What she lacks in height she makes up for in form. Sea grey eyes cast a stern countenance, though if one looks long enough, fire sparks in their depths. Dark auburn hair tumbles in thick wavey layers [2] just above her shoulders, framing delicate facial features usual for her race [3]. Along the right side of her face and down the corresponding side of her body are deep set scars, both burned and cut, of all different sizes and shapes. She is immensely toned, soft enough by look, but in movement muscle is keenly evident [4]. Her feminine features are even, balanced, and not at all voluptuous. In certain clothing a name can be seen in elegant tiny script, inked blue on her upper ribs, left side. [5]

I like how it is, just a few things.

1. This is all personal, but I'd suggest making her taller. Sure, she can be short, I've seen a lot if short adults (5'2, 5'3, etc), but 4'2..... Eh. I'm sure everyone would be fine with it, but I personally find it a little distasteful. 

2. Just a comma here. "... thick, wavey layers..."

3. I'd delete this, as you mentioned her race having an effect on her features already. But that one is just 50/50, whichever you want is entirely fine. 

4. Wording is a little odd here. Maybe it's the "in movement muscle is keenly evident". Perhaps you should change it to "She is immensely toned and soft enough by look." We know she's fit, decently muscled, trim, athletic all from the word "toned", but the "in movement muscle is keenly evident" makes me think "She raises her hand and BAM, bulging bicep and her forearm is veiny" which I don't think you're going for. If you wanted to keep it, maybe "her lean muscles flex with every movement" or something.

5. I think you should remove the "in certain clothing" and have your character rock a crop top 24/7. 

@Beowin

She's half dwarf

Virgo

Beowin said:

Virgo said:

Beowin said:

Sure why not:

She is a graceful tsol'aa. Quite short for one of her race, Beowin stands at only four foot two [1]. What she lacks in height she makes up for in form. Sea grey eyes cast a stern countenance, though if one looks long enough, fire sparks in their depths. Dark auburn hair tumbles in thick wavey layers [2] just above her shoulders, framing delicate facial features usual for her race [3]. Along the right side of her face and down the corresponding side of her body are deep set scars, both burned and cut, of all different sizes and shapes. She is immensely toned, soft enough by look, but in movement muscle is keenly evident [4]. Her feminine features are even, balanced, and not at all voluptuous. In certain clothing a name can be seen in elegant tiny script, inked blue on her upper ribs, left side. [5]

I like how it is, just a few things.

1. This is all personal, but I'd suggest making her taller. Sure, she can be short, I've seen a lot if short adults (5'2, 5'3, etc), but 4'2..... Eh. I'm sure everyone would be fine with it, but I personally find it a little distasteful. 

2. Just a comma here. "... thick, wavey layers..."

3. I'd delete this, as you mentioned her race having an effect on her features already. But that one is just 50/50, whichever you want is entirely fine. 

4. Wording is a little odd here. Maybe it's the "in movement muscle is keenly evident". Perhaps you should change it to "She is immensely toned and soft enough by look." We know she's fit, decently muscled, trim, athletic all from the word "toned", but the "in movement muscle is keenly evident" makes me think "She raises her hand and BAM, bulging bicep and her forearm is veiny" which I don't think you're going for. If you wanted to keep it, maybe "her lean muscles flex with every movement" or something.

5. I think you should remove the "in certain clothing" and have your character rock a crop top 24/7. 

@Beowin

She's half dwarf

Okay, that actually does make her size way more understandable. Sorry 'bout that, lol. Erases that little bit.

Antonius

I could be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure the official stance is that half anythings are impossible. You are only ever one race, you can't be half Tsol'aa and half Dwarf.

Krypton

Pish posh, anything is possible if you set your mind to it!

Trey said:

He is a frog-like grook but is actually a Tsol'aa.  He is of a deep, ebony 

complexion; skin of liquid shadow that consumes the light around him and warps 

the air in a disturbing dissonance. His eyes, scarlet crimson orbs flecked with 

vivid motes of effervescent mauve, shift from one direction to the next as they 

survey his surroundings with a cruel disdain. His body is lithe, graceful and 

tall, exuding a powerful, confident elegance with every calculated and 

purposeful movement. Taut muscles press against his shadow-suffused skin, 

lending a subtle strength to his limber physique. Smooth, soft lips of pale 

sable easily twist into a sardonic smirk belonging to a being of an arrogant 

disposition. Large, voluminous blue-black wings flare out from behind him. The 

wings, slender and exquisite, are composed of strikingly vibrant feathers that 

gleam with a dull effulgence. The tips end in an almost imperceptible splash of 

silver-violet, though it is indiscernable as to whether it is natural or 

something else entirely. From the crown of his head flows exotic, luxurious 

silver tresses that fall just past his shoulders, infused with strands of deep 

violet that weave fluidly down to the tips. A thick strand had been braided 

neatly across the tip of his forehead while a shimmering curtain of 

silver-violet frames his angular face to emphasize the slender, handsome bone 

structure. A dark, narrow goatee over silvery hair traces the outline of his 

face and gives a refined, sinister ambiance of nobility to his features. His 

right arm extends into svelte fingertips that end in cruelly sharpened nails 

tipped in a dark mauve shade, flexing nimbly as if in restless dispose. On the 

other arm rests naught but a stump, his hand severed cleanly from the wrist. 

Get the fuck out, man.

Kresslack

After meaning to do it for a while now, I finally updated my description and went with a look that showed signs of actual aging and being an adventurer. I don't want my character to be forever young. Eventually, I'm going to be that old sailor passed out at a table in the tavern in a mixture of equal parts spilled rum and drool, waiting for someone to wake me up, buy me a drink, and ask to hear a story. So this is what I ended up with:

He is a mhun standing around six feet and seven inches, burly and barrel-chested, with a near-permanent scowl as he chews languidly on the stump of a cigar. Coarse, sun-faded black hair streaked heavily with grey hangs falls past his shoulders, loosely plaited and bound with rings of ivory carved to resemble an ouroboros. Hazel eyes of subtly shifting greys and greens peer out from under furrowed brow, narrowed to a hawkish visage as he carefully surveys his surroundings. Draping down to his chest is a long, full beard, similarly streaked with grey and braided loosely at the sides and down the middle. Small beads of wood and carved bone tie off the ends of each braid, clicking together softly from time to time. Sun burnished skin, tough as leather, is adorned with an odd skein of scars and faded tattoos of nautical and obscure symbols. Signs of the passing years and a life spent at sea have left their tell-tale signs in the wrinkles that have set into the skin, the grey in his hair, and the development of a firm pot belly. Deceptive as these traits are, there is still a glint of purpose within his eyes, and the noticeable signs of muscle that yet cord his frame. On the inside of his right forearm can be seen the blanche brand of a crude escarbuncle within a border of thorns, and further down on his wrist is a black inked stain in the shape of the letter 'P'.

Virgo

Your description is awesome. I really like it.

Kenway

Not really comfortable with my writing ability and worried this might sound weird cause it's a thrice(maybe more) modified version of my very first description. Have at it please!

He is a human. Standing at six feet tall he is well built, with strong, broad shoulders and arms that terminate in calloused hands, criss-crossed with small scars. His hair is dirty blond, cropped close and clean about the temple whilst atop his head it grows free in untamed tangles. His distant eyes are a piercing blue, flecked with gold, small wrinkles sit in their corners, his cheeks worn and scarred by battle and the elements. His beard is short and trim, broken on the left side by a thin but jagged scar running from chin to cheekbone. A small slice has been taken out of his right ear, and the subtle arch of his right eyebrow is broken by the light tissue of an old cut, evidence of some long ago spar gone awry. On closer inspection, his left extremities are almost entirely pale and mutilated scar tissue, their flesh once charred by some fearsome flame.

Kenway

Kresslack said:

After meaning to do it for a while now, I finally updated my description and went with a look that showed signs of actual aging and being an adventurer. I don't want my character to be forever young. Eventually, I'm going to be that old sailor passed out at a table in the tavern in a mixture of equal parts spilled rum and drool, waiting for someone to wake me up, buy me a drink, and ask to hear a story. So this is what I ended up with:

He is a mhun standing around six feet and seven inches, burly and barrel-chested, with a near-permanent scowl as he chews languidly on the stump of a cigar. Coarse, sun-faded black hair streaked heavily with grey [hangs falls] past his shoulders, loosely plaited and bound with rings of ivory carved to resemble an ouroboros. Hazel eyes of subtly shifting greys and greens peer out from under furrowed brow, narrowed to a hawkish visage as he carefully surveys his surroundings. Draping down to his chest is a long, full beard, similarly streaked with grey and braided loosely at the sides and down the middle. Small beads of wood and carved bone tie off the ends of each braid, clicking together softly from time to time. Sun burnished skin, tough as leather, is adorned with an odd skein of scars and faded tattoos of nautical and obscure symbols. [] The passing years and a life spent at sea have left their tell-tale signs in the wrinkles that have set into the skin, the grey in his hair, and the development of a firm pot belly. Deceptive as these traits are, there is still a glint of purpose within his eyes, and the noticeable signs of muscle that yet cord his frame. On the inside of his right forearm can be seen the blanche brand of a crude escarbuncle within a border of thorns, and further down on his wrist is a black inked stain in the shape of the letter 'P'.

Those are the only two things I see in there, other wise it looks awesome!

Virgo

Kresslack said:

After meaning to do it for a while now, I finally updated my description and went with a look that showed signs of actual aging and being an adventurer. I don't want my character to be forever young. Eventually, I'm going to be that old sailor passed out at a table in the tavern in a mixture of equal parts spilled rum and drool, waiting for someone to wake me up, buy me a drink, and ask to hear a story. So this is what I ended up with:

He is a mhun standing around six feet and seven inches, burly and barrel-chested, with a near-permanent scowl as he chews languidly on the stump of a cigar. Coarse, sun-faded black hair streaked heavily with grey hangs falls past his shoulders [1], loosely plaited and bound with rings of ivory carved to resemble an ouroboros. Hazel eyes of subtly shifting greys and greens peer out from under furrowed brow [2], narrowed to a hawkish visage as he carefully surveys his surroundings [3]. Draping down to his chest is a long, full beard, similarly streaked with grey and braided loosely at the sides and down the middle. Small beads of wood and carved bone tie off the ends of each braid, clicking together softly from time to time. Sun burnished skin, tough as leather, is adorned with an odd skein of scars and faded tattoos of nautical and obscure symbols. Signs of the passing years and a life spent at sea have left their tell-tale signs in the wrinkles that have set into the skin, the grey in his hair, and the development of a firm pot belly. Deceptive as these traits are, there is still a glint of purpose within his eyes, and the noticeable signs of muscle that yet cord his frame. On the inside of his right forearm can be seen the blanche brand of a crude escarbuncle within a border of thorns, and further down on his wrist is a black inked stain in the shape of the letter 'P'.

1. Hangs OR falls, they're both equally good.

2. As obvious as to what the meaning behind this is, I still think you should add 'a', because how do we know you don't have some forehead accessory called Furrowed Brow? Or you entire body is out of wack and your eyes are under your Blademaster word?

3. Hawkish visage, for humanoids, implies the slightly long, hooked nose, and an actually narrow-type face shape. See the following picture of an actor: 
This guy (I forget his name) has a "hawkish face", which is mainly centered around his nose. If you're meaning to say that's how his nose loomslooks, your use of narrow is incorrect. If you mean to say he squints and peers around like a hawk, your use of hawkish visage is incorrect. Unfortunately, I'm not fully sure how to help you write that, if you wanted to change it. I'm not that good, lol. @Kresslack

Now, my updated description.

He is a winged atavian, an acrobatically built young man who stands at an inch or three above six feet. His light-brown skin is reminiscent of caramel, lightly shining with the vitality of youthful energy. Slightly upturned and heavily lidded, his hazel eyes oft lazily wander the vicinity, and his thick eyebrows are nearly perpetually furrowed in some incomprehensible emotion. His handsome visage is crafted of sharp angles and lines, the Mhaldorian's chiseled jawline tapering to a slightly rounded chin, the entire right half of his face wholly hidden behind a mask of liquid obsidian. Peppered across his slim nose and high cheekbones are dark freckles, virtually ebony in hue. Lightly gleaming with a light brown lustre, Virgo's mess of thick, lucious hazelnut curls brush his forehead, only long enough to cover the tips of his slightly pointed, elongated ears. Imposing wings of platinum feathers tower more than two heads above his own, strength and power evident in each flutter and twitch.

Krypton

Hawkish can also just mean "aggressive" or "threatening."

Virgo

Krypton said:

Hawkish can also just mean "aggressive" or "threatening."

That I didn't know.

If that's the case, you're all fine, Kresslack. Sorry!

Antonius

Six feet seven inches is a very specific height to "stand around". Either "stands around six and a half feet," or "stands a little over six and a half feet," or just "stands six feet seven inches".

Trey

Virgo said:

 

This guy (I forget his name) has a "hawkish face"

Adrien Brody

Virgo

Trey said:

Virgo said:

 

This guy (I forget his name) has a "hawkish face"

Adrien Brody

Thanks!

Minifie

Wow his nose has its own scene queues O.O

Nazihk

Krypton said:

Hawkish can also just mean "aggressive" or "threatening."

Hawkish as a policy position is aggressive/threatening. Hawkish visage, on the other hand, is always going to be "giant fucking nose". 

Krypton

The incorporation of the biggest opposition party into this smorgasbord coalition however, puts a moderate expression on a previously hawkish visage.

Implying a "hawkish visage" to mean "an expression that is not moderate".

Nazihk

That's talking about political appearances, not the literal physical description of a person. If you use the phrase 'hawkish visage' to describe the literal physical appearance of a person, a significant amount of people are going to go with the giant nose.

If your character doesn't have a giant nose, you might want to avoid using that phrase because it will be misinterpreted.

Kresslack

Ok, so currently can only access the forums from home where I'm already logged in. In any case...

What I was going for was kind of a narrowed eyes type of look of someone who has spent most of their time out in the sun. It never occurred to me that 'hawkish' was an adjective in reference to the beak, so that's a bit h-awkward.

If you've ever seen Tombstone with Kurt Russel, this is what I was wanting:



Any suggestions?

Kenway

Kresslack said:

Ok, so currently can only access the forums from home where I'm already logged in. In any case...

What I was going for was kind of a narrowed eyes type of look of someone who has spent most of their time out in the sun. It never occurred to me that 'hawkish' was an adjective in reference to the beak, so that's a bit h-awkward.

If you've ever seen Tombstone with Kurt Russel, this is what I was wanting:



Any suggestions?

Holy shit that's a fantastic film. My dear, you've set your gaze upon the quintessential frontier type. Note the lean silhouette... eyes closed by the sun, though sharp as a hawk. He's got the look of both predator and prey.

Kresslack

Exactly right.


 

Tahquil

Sharp, suspicious, predator, narrow, accusitory, keen,

Kalila

I'd love some comments too, if anyone wants!

She is a lizard-like xoran. Two cresting fins rise proudly from her temples, going around her head
and down her neck; they grow less pronounced as they go lower, merging fully with the rest of her
scales between her shoulderblades. Her tail is a foot across at the base and narrowing to a whip-
point, long enough to flick against the floor but not enough to drag. Wide, stunning emerald eyes
stare out curiously at the world, perched above a short, delicate snout. In contrast to those fine
features, a jagged scar runs down the right side of her face, well-healed and not recent but still
and always a wound. A firmamental casing of scales protects her; their colour ranges from ivory on
her stomach and the underside of her tail, to navy blue on her upper back, with clear cerulean
predominant on her face. She stands at a typical height for Xorani, a shade over six feet tall; her
figure is not quite filled out to match, with some definite muscle on her limbs and trunk but not
enough to be a hulking presence - she is light on her feet and doesn't lack for youthful energy.

Virgo

Kresslack said:

Ok, so currently can only access the forums from home where I'm already logged in. In any case...

What I was going for was kind of a narrowed eyes type of look of someone who has spent most of their time out in the sun. It never occurred to me that 'hawkish' was an adjective in reference to the beak, so that's a bit h-awkward.

If you've ever seen Tombstone with Kurt Russel, this is what I was wanting:



Any suggestions?

narrowed to a hawkish visage as he carefully surveys his surroundings

" . . . narrowed to a predatory gaze as he carefully surveys his surroundings." 

" . . . narrowed to a dangerously vigilant gaze as he carefully surveys his surroundings." @Kresslack

Krypton

"beady, squinty-eyed gaze"

Kenway

Kenway said:

Not really comfortable with my writing ability and worried this might sound weird cause it's a thrice(maybe more) modified version of my very first description. Have at it please!

He is a human. Standing at six feet tall he is well built, with strong, broad shoulders and arms that terminate in calloused hands, criss-crossed with small scars. His hair is dirty blond, cropped close and clean about the temple whilst atop his head it grows free in untamed tangles. His distant eyes are a piercing blue, flecked with gold, small wrinkles sit in their corners, his cheeks worn and scarred by battle and the elements. His beard is short and trim, broken on the left side by a thin but jagged scar running from chin to cheekbone. A small slice has been taken out of his right ear, and the subtle arch of his right eyebrow is broken by the light tissue of an old cut, evidence of some long ago spar gone awry. On closer inspection, his left extremities are almost entirely pale and mutilated scar tissue, their flesh once charred by some fearsome flame.

Believe this was missed amongst discussions of hawkishness. Have at it plz

Virgo

Kenway said:

Kenway said:

Not really comfortable with my writing ability and worried this might sound weird cause it's a thrice(maybe more) modified version of my very first description. Have at it please!

He is a human. Standing at six feet tall he is well built, with strong, broad shoulders and arms [1] that terminate in calloused hands, criss-crossed with small scars. His hair is dirty blond, cropped close and clean about the temple whilst atop his head it grows free in untamed tangles. [2] His distant eyes are a piercing blue, flecked with gold, small wrinkles sit in their corners, [3] his cheeks worn and scarred by battle and the elements. His beard is short and trim, broken on the left side by a thin but [4] jagged scar running from chin to cheekbone. A small slice has been taken out of his right ear, and the subtle arch of his right eyebrow is broken by the light tissue of an old cut, evidence of some long ago spar gone awry. On closer inspection, his left extremities are almost entirely pale and mutilated scar tissue, their flesh once charred by some fearsome flame.

Believe this was missed amongst discussions of hawkishness. Have at it plz

1. I'll suggest either adding a comma for "Standing at six feet tall, he is well built..." OR removing "he is well built" (it would still require a comma) for "Standing at six feet tall, he possesses strong, broad shoulders and arms..." That way, instead of outright saying he is well built, we can read about his general strength and broadness and go, "Oh, this fella is stronk, yanno?"

2. The wording around where the hair is cut is a bit awkward. If I'm thinking of it right, he's got the hairstyle that's still pretty popular with white males these days, where it's cut low on the sides and back, and the top is longer and curly?

3. Also just general wording awkwardness here. I'd suggest something along the lines of "His gold-flecked blue eyes seem a bit distant, their corners slightly wrinkled from frequent [smiles/frowns/age/whatever], while his cheeks...."

4. This should be and or a comma, as the fact that the scar is thin doesn't have much to do with its straightness. A thin scar could be super straight or super jagged or curving or whatever other ways. @Kenway

Kalila said:

I'd love some comments too, if anyone wants!

She is a lizard-like xoran. Two cresting fins rise proudly from her temples, going around her head
and down her neck; they grow less pronounced as they go lower, merging fully with the rest of her
scales between her shoulderblades. Her tail is a foot across at the base and narrowing [1] to a whip-
point, long enough to flick against the floor but not enough to drag. Wide, stunning emerald eyes
stare out curiously at the world, perched above a short, delicate snout. In contrast to those fine
features, a jagged scar runs down the right side of her face, well-healed and not recent but still
and always a wound [2]. A firmamental casing of scales [3] protects her; their colour ranges from ivory on
her stomach and the underside of her tail, to navy blue on her upper back, with clear cerulean
predominant on her face. She stands at a typical height for Xorani, a shade over six feet tall; her
figure is not quite filled out to match, with some definite muscle on her limbs and trunk but not
enough to be a hulking presence - she is light on her feet and doesn't lack for youthful energy.

1. This should be "narrows". "Narrows" is one of those weird words in the weird English language that can also be a verb but something else (I forget what kind of word it can also be), but narrowing is entirely a verb. 

2. This one is kind of awkwardly worded. The "still and always a wound" just jumps out as odd to me because we figured it's always going to be a wound, if we read about it. Also, the "not recent" part could be replaced with something better. I was thinking more along the lines of "... fine features, an old, jagged scar runs down the right side of her face, having healed well in times long past." The bold parts show better ways, imo, to show that it is pretty old, and the italics is something that could be deleted and still make a fine sentence. Generally speaking, people know scars are usually pretty old and healed, because they'd be either scabs and/or still bleeding/whatever, so these types of details are kinda irrelevant.

3. I'm not sure what you mean by this.

4. Since you say "typical height", you don't really need to specify her being a bit over six feet. You could leave it though, nothing wrong with it. @Kalila