Descriptions Wanted 1.0

Viho

Tydas said:

Nazihk said:

Shayde said:
This is not "senseless" nitpicking, it is what is going to happen when someone starts crafting. I've had a ring returned before for the stone "glimmering" because of the reasoning it won't glimmer when it is dark. Crafting rules in Achaea got very strict in terms of symbolism also. I've gotten used to getting down to the nitty gritty, not using too many fluffy adjectives like gorgeous, or using metaphors.

Of course, with character descriptions, there is going to be more free reign, but I definitely know where Daeir is coming from.

Edit: I still remember someone getting upset that the word beautiful in one of my descs slipped through when theirs didn't. That was interesting!

It's still senseless nitpicking when the crafting approvers do it.

The entire "BUT WHAT IF THERE IS NO LIGHT?!" thing is a terrible line to draw in the sand. Why are you telling me it's blue? I can't tell blue from purple in the dark. Why are you telling me it's made out of leather? In the dark I might mistake it for cloth. Do you really think I can tell fabric types apart by sight at midnight by torchlight?

It's a ridiculous rabbit hole to jump down and it never leads anywhere good. 

Ehh, I think you're taking it too far. Describing something as made from "rough leather" or "a clear blue crystal" isn't unreasonable: you can assume what it would look like based on the environment. Is it under a midday sun? The leather will be dull but lit, the crystal will shine and maybe even glimmer. In the dark, the leather will be so dark as to be difficult to discern, and the crystal may appear blue or purple, tough to tell.

The point is, in your examples, you're describing the material its made of, not the qualities or actions it takes under certain conditions. Saying a stone is "glimmering" is not an intrinsic property of the stone, which never changes - it's a quality given to it by the environment, which does change. Describe the intrinsic properties, and let the reader assume that it glimmers in the light and does not in the dark.

For the record, the following rant may be done by a convert/transplant, but my gripe isn't that you're unlike my home game and I want you to be more like them. 

My complaint is that you're exactly like my home game.

Adeleine

He is a human and is as ugly as sin dipped in agony.

Adeleine

He is a human. He is approximately 6ft 2inches. His posture is straight and authorative, by looking upon him you sense his confidence and intelligence gleaming from his bright blue eyes. His hair is brown and quite short. He has a striking face from which his eyes jump out at you.

Taraus

disclaimer: the following is not directed any one in particular at all, but done because in recently trying to dazzle up a few descriptions, I've discovered that I'm rusty as fuck and need to get my game back on point. So I'm just trying to get back in the wordsmith headspace.

• what is it
• what colour is it
• what material is it made of
• what shape is it
• what texture is it

Essentially, when you describe something, think of the attributes that you would glean at a glance, and work from there. Stick to the item, and just the item, don't try and factor in irrelevant details - environment, lighting, temperature, reaction. Don't imbue the item with magical properties, emotional responses, or otherwise unrealistic descriptors. In contemplating the usage of the word 'glimmering' when used to describe, I think my kneejerk reaction is that it implies a sort of motion - which can be good or bad. This, though, comes down to something of a subjective argument - sort of like using the word 'beautiful'. While the word itself does have a static meaning, the application is, or can be, dynamic (eye of the beholder and all). Also - it might be because of the "ing" ending, which makes it feel more like a verb than an adjective - so (without actually knowing the exact sentence), I'd try to find a way to incorporate it as a definitive adjective, rather than giving it the 'action' feel - ie a glimmering stone vs a stone with a subtle glimmer. (Admittedly, the latter gets into that "using ten words when five will suffice" territory, which I hate.)


(Also, @Tydas hit it spot on, I think, with the "is it intrinsic" breakdown).

Adeleine

I just describe myself the way I want to see myself. I'm not trying to impress anyone but me and I'm not obliged to follow any rules except what's in HELP DESCRIPTION and HELP STYLE.

Elynithara

Re: @Taraus

I disagree with the eye of the beholder mindset because by going there you start stripping very creative people of adjectives to use, when basically the only functions adjectives fulfill in the first place is to be descriptive. Some people may look at something and think 'hey, that is not beautiful', or 'hey, that is definitely not ugly', but most of us would still recognize that the dress or painting or sculpture would be considered beautiful by most peoples' standards. Let's not stop using words just because they describe properties or qualities.

Also, the English language is pretty neat. Verbs sometimes also describe things: 'the yellowing pages of the manuscript' hints at an aged book without using adjectives.

Just my crafting mindset.

Adeleine

He is a winged atavian. He stands about six foot five with black hair flowing down his face covering his battle scars, his blue eyes show through strands oh his black hair, his face covered in black studded piercings, he shows a faint smile to intimidate his foes, he reaches out a meter and a half each arm, his wings spread out a meter past his arms length, he wears a shining suit of armor with silk black trousers and undershirt hidden by a black coat, a white leather scabbard sits by his hip while a white leather strap wraps around his chest with a hook on the back to hang a shield, he lets off a faint glow of a dark blood red his skin as pale at the clouds in the sky.

Anedhel

I want to give that guy a box full of punctuation marks  

Adeleine

You look over at an indecent fishnet mini dress being worn by (person) and see:

This little dress is made of black fishnet stretched between a few thin black ribbons tied tight to its wearer, with two extra ribbons functioning as straps to hold the garment up. The upper two ribbons circle just above and below the breasts, emphasising them while leaving them on full display. Wrapping low around the waist is another ribbon tied tight to keep the netting close to its wearer, before it expands into an indecently short skirt. The dress ends with one final ribbon that barely reaches the very top of the thighs, left loose to flutter teasingly and provide direct glimpses of what the netting already freely reveals.

What in the fuck. Who approves this stuff?

Puxi

Bet you found that in Cyrene!

Adeleine

I did. But fortunately not on a Cyrenian citizen.

Tahquil

With new admin taking over the oversight of crafting new rules come into play. Achaea 14 years ago is different from Achaea now. If you see something you think violates the image Achaea now is trying to portray you can issue yourself about it or send a letter to Amarisse (the denizen representation of the admin in regards to crafting).

Aereidhna

It's pretty tasteless to wear that in public IMHO but it doesn't seem to violate any crafting rules that I know of. I've got a few skimpy designs tucked away and they were passed just fine in the past year.

Adeleine

She is a graceful tsol'aa. She is below average height standing at exactly five feet tall, and she is an interesting visage. Completely covered in golden glowing skin from years of living in the desert, she seems almost ethereal. Atop her head are a mass of curls which may have originally been black but now appears to be a sun bleached mahogany brown. Thick and curly, the waves and ringlets of hair reach down around her face framing the heart shape with delicacy. However, it appears as though someone has taken a knife to her hair, shaping it thinner around her cheeks,  where it comes to a tapering end at the skin just above her nape. Her face is soft and feminine, with arching brows and wide tilted eyes, a cute button of a nose, and full pouting luscious lips. She is a picture of alluring femininity. Sharp intelligent lavender, her eyes sparkle like a multi-faceted stone, cold as they observe her surroundings. Yet from behind a solid line of long and flirtatious black lashes she seems to stand aloof, her very mien one of someone half distracted or listening to something else. Her neck is elegant, dropping into compact and appealing shoulders. Her arms are lengthy and slim, leading down to delicate hands. Each hand has exquisite fingers, perfect for playing instruments or doing detailed work. Below her shoulders her body is fit and yet voluptuous. She is a buxom woman with a bounty of curves to make a person lusty. Her slim waist leads down into broad hips, long legs, and proportionate small feet.

Adeleine

She is a beautiful siren. The sleek woman stands here with shimmering layers of blonde cascading down over her shoulders in healthy soft waves of curls, not the tight bouncy curls, but the long, mature curls of a woman who knows what suits her. The light dances over each ripple, giving her a natural aura when the sun is hitting it just right. The tips of her hair shift over her waist, just settling in that natural curve where her back flows to the supple curve of her bottom. Her oval face is accented as her curls are tucked behind her ear, and a smatter of hair dances down along her eyelashes, though the majority of her bangs are slicked to her forehead and off to the right side. Bright turquoise eyes dance, framed innocently with her long lashes, those eyes offer everything, from a sultry gaze, to a hardened sulk when needed, or felt. Swirls of blue and green dance, fighting with one another depending on her mood, all of which are easily expressed. A long elegant nose is kissed with a few freckles, just peeking through enough to be seen when one is close enough. Just below, her soft pink lips rest. Full and pouty, highlighted with a soft pink gloss, the bow along her upper lip clearly defined. Her bottom lip puckers out at times, almost naturally as if begging for something unspoken. A delicate jaw line defines the lower curve of her face, hinting at the knowledge and proudness of a woman. Something flows within her features, age, knowledge and maturity, and yet - that innocence clings to her eyes. Looking at her from a distance, her body doesn't boast many curves, though as you come closer, your eyes flow over the ample chest, the rounded curve of her tush, the soft layer of flesh that hugs about her hips. Soft lines hug her little frame, which is barely five feet in height. Shoulders flow with a rounded curve from collarbone to bicep, hardly any muscle tone apparent until she moves. The muscles dance to life, popping up against her softly tanned flesh. For her frame, one would consider her top heavy.

Adeleine

She is an insectoid horkval and is extremely pretty. Her entire being encompasses the beauty of the seasons. Her face, as white as the snow of the Vashnar  mountains, glows when she smiles, reminding Achaeans of Spring when they see her flawless countenance. Her delicate, yet supple body hints of a vibrance that only Summer can bring. In addition, her long lustrous hair is the shade of Autumn, while her eyes contain a gaze so intense, that only Winter can be a suitable comparison with it. An intricate tattoo depicting a map with a jaguar bursting forth has been inked between her shoulder blades.

Eidra

Eidra's description. 

She is a winged atavian child with wintry skin who stands just above four feet tall. The jaw length 

copper curls that frame the features of her small round face have been adorned with a myriad of her 

own bright feathers. Set above a straight, delicate nose and rosy little mouth, her immense olive 

shaped eyes are a deep jade-flecked azure surrounded by long, fiery lashes. Her wings, when spread, 

have more than double her arm's reach on either side. They're a radiant, shimmering emerald with 

cobalt flight feathers that nearly drag the floor as she walks, and on the occasion when it is 

visible, her soft down is a bright napthol crimson. An angry red burn glistening with sharp smelling 

linament has been branded into her arm, forming the wheel and spokes shape of a carbuncle. Her 

garments are somewhat lumpy where a less-than-skillful attempt to tailor them down from a larger 

size has been made. Except for her shoes. They fit.

I'm looking more for grammatical/ "here's how you can make this more descriptive/easier to understand" style commentary. 

Suggestions that she grow up will be thrown in the dust bin.

Jonathin

Adeleine said:

An intricate tattoo depicting a map with a jaguar bursting forth has been inked between her shoulder blades.

That's an ooooold warlock tattoo iirc. If that person still has it, she's likely from a time when shit like that wasn't so shunned.

Trey

He is a frog-like grook but is actually a Tsol'aa.  He is of a deep, ebony 

complexion; skin of liquid shadow that consumes the light around him and warps 

the air in a disturbing dissonance. His eyes, scarlet crimson orbs flecked with 

vivid motes of effervescent mauve, shift from one direction to the next as they 

survey his surroundings with a cruel disdain. His body is lithe, graceful and 

tall, exuding a powerful, confident elegance with every calculated and 

purposeful movement. Taut muscles press against his shadow-suffused skin, 

lending a subtle strength to his limber physique. Smooth, soft lips of pale 

sable easily twist into a sardonic smirk belonging to a being of an arrogant 

disposition. Large, voluminous blue-black wings flare out from behind him. The 

wings, slender and exquisite, are composed of strikingly vibrant feathers that 

gleam with a dull effulgence. The tips end in an almost imperceptible splash of 

silver-violet, though it is indiscernable as to whether it is natural or 

something else entirely. From the crown of his head flows exotic, luxurious 

silver tresses that fall just past his shoulders, infused with strands of deep 

violet that weave fluidly down to the tips. A thick strand had been braided 

neatly across the tip of his forehead while a shimmering curtain of 

silver-violet frames his angular face to emphasize the slender, handsome bone 

structure. A dark, narrow goatee over silvery hair traces the outline of his 

face and gives a refined, sinister ambiance of nobility to his features. His 

right arm extends into svelte fingertips that end in cruelly sharpened nails 

tipped in a dark mauve shade, flexing nimbly as if in restless dispose. On the 

other arm rests naught but a stump, his hand severed cleanly from the wrist. 

Get the fuck out, man.

Zahan

Trey said:

He is a frog-like grook but is actually a Tsol'aa.  

with:
Skin of liquid shadow that consumes the light around him and warps the air in a disturbing dissonance. 

and:
Large, voluminous blue-black wings [that] flare out from behind him. 

Get the fuck out, man.

That is... quite the description.  A little bit of fur and he'd have it all.

Taraus

Trey said:

He is a frog-like grook but is actually a Tsol'aa.  <snip>



Get the fuck out, man.

haha lol

oh yea whatever on topic, recently got a gem so now comes the slew of Tarts of assorted races (as I spend more time as each char, I anticipate greater detail being added while personality of each develops), first up raja:

She is a tiger-like rajamala and is an animal built for speed. A supple coat of sleek bronze fur sheathes her lean form, glossy onyx stripes serving to highlight the lanky limbs of her tall, well-endowed frame. Graced with a short, haphazard cap of blazing copper curls, alabaster-tipped ears swivel easily amongst the tangle, and round, watchful eyes of clear aquamarine are nearly overtaken by the shining pupil. Studded by a myriad piercings and trinkets, her languid movements are punctuated by a metallic jingle; fastened midway up her tail, a small silver bell rings with each irritated lash.

She is wearing:
everything ever

Kresslack

Still very gypsy-ish, and the bell is a nice touch.

Szarossen

Need a bit of help with my description - there's something off about it for me. I'm trying to display a regally savage (through the use of 'wild' and 'savage') Sentinel Troll that takes quite a bit from his heritage, including the tusks, war-dreadlock-hawk-thing, slender-of-frame-ness, huge-of-frame-ness, and the somewhat heavy features (thick nose, strong jawline/chin, thick lips) but I just don't feel like I'm getting it.

And don't even get me started on the facial hair - I'm trying to get like a thick-goatee-that-is-not-technically-a-full-beard-without-using-the-word-goatee-because-I-hate-that-word without just throwing 'oh, and he's got a spot of fuzzyness on his chin there'.

Plus a better way to word the tusks and the warhawk-locks, those are two of the biggest. 

Oh, and I'm having a toss-up between just actual GREY skin and GREEN-GREY skin because I think grey skin is cool but then so would greyish green skin. So. IDK there, just an FYI.

Ultimately. My goal is to have an obviously proud Troll that's got a certain savage-ness sometimes associated with Sentinels without actually saying that. Of course.

He is a powerful troll, a giant of a man with smooth, grey skin. His long, nimble-

fingered arms and acrobatically trained frame is covered in lean, well-formed and 

powerful muscle, and he carries his slender eight foot physique with a uniquely 

savage grace. His wild, almond-shaped eyes are framed by thick lashes, bright 

golden irises set regally against high cheekbones. His thick, straight nose is 

positioned centre-stage on his diamond-shaped face, accentuating his strong, 

sharp jawline and chin. His lips take on a slightly thick, firm structure, 

featuring a full bottom lip and a slight curve to his upper lip, and a pair of 

small ivory tusks portrude from his bottom jaw and out between his lips. His 

short, dreadlocked hair has been cut into a warhawk, the sides shaved to a smooth 

fuzz.

Ehene

Hey, I have a description! What do you guys think? I'd love some feedback.

His lean, muscular silhouette is a dance of smooth curves and sharp angles. His body, standing a head under two metres, is covered in cream-coloured skin with a dusting of cinnamon freckles. Emerald jungles of wild intensity gaze outward, combining with his mountainous cheekbones and cavernous mouth to illustrate each expression with picturesque detail. A shaggy mop of dark auburn curls sits atop his head, the hair swirling about his nape and ears like the tumultuous sea. Jutting out from that frothy ginger ocean are two taupe horns, like those of a ram, spiraling down and away from his brow like the propeller seeds of a maple tree. His taut arms, capped with calloused hands, hang loosely from his broad shoulders and frame his sinuous torso. Wide hips descend suddenly into hirsute goat legs, covered in coarse hair that matches his curly mop. Ebony hooves clop gently as he moves, a whispered hint of fleet-footedness.

Exelethril

I went Troll for the discount +1 STR. Was kinda bored at work so decided to re-write descriptions :

With armour

He is a powerful troll. Rugged and lean in appearance, traces of the wilds betray this giant's 

allegiance. Swept coarsely across his face, leaf-ridden dark auburn hair of medium length frames 

an elegant profile - marred by a single battle scar that runs across his cheek. His dark blue eyes are 

vigilant and exude a discerning instinct. Though his facial features are dismissively human-like, his 

ashen skin and towering heavily-armoured frame which hints at naturally sinewy muscle beneath, 

allude to his race. Clad entirely in runic fullplate and armed with an array of knightly weapons,
his martial attire and stature lend his presence a militaristic air. Verdant emerald warpaint is artfully
brushed over his cheek to form the image of a rampant stag.

No armour

He is a powerful troll. Rugged and lean in appearance, traces of the wilds betray this giant's 

allegiance. Swept coarsely across his ashen face, leaf-ridden dark auburn hair of medium length 

frames a noble profile - marred by a single battle scar that runs across his cheek. His dark blue 

eyes are vigilant and exude a discerning instict. Though his facial features are dismissively 

human-like, his towering frame is taut with sinewy muscle, a hallmark of his race's natural brawn. His 

ash grey skin is untinged by the sun - despite many hours spent in and out of forest shade, under 

which he often resides. Verdant emerald warpaint is artfully brushed over his cheek to form the
image of a rampant stag.

----

Wasn't quite sure how to convey "around 7-ish feet in lesserform"

Tyrmalon

I went Horkval out of curiosity as to what it's like playing as an insectoid character. I liked the idea of playing around heavily with his appearance, so I've been in the process of giving him a bit of a mixture of insect traits.

He is an insectoid horkval, standing seven feet and five inches tall. His slender body is covered in a dull beige carapace with faded auburn markings ranging from thick, wavy lines that shrink into a strand of diminishing dots. The skin beneath his exoskeleton, exposed at his joints and other parts of his body, is covered in long, brown moth-like fuzz. Two long antennae poke upward from his triangular head, swooping backwards and swishing about freely on their own accord like jittery snakes. He has bulbous orange-red eyes with black pin-pricked pupils, accompanied by three smaller eyes on his forehead. His mouth is an insectoid synthesis of beak and mandibles that emit a variety of clicks and clacks. A variety of serrated grooves taper down the length of his arms, where a pair of blade-like structures with spiked ridges jut several inches past his wrists. The clawed fingers of his hands have serrated plates jutting backwards. A pair of very small, raptorial arms jut up from the lower section of his segmented thorax. Two crisscrossed filaments rest along his shoulderblades, giving the impression of wings that appear to be vestigial in nature. His movements are very sudden and twitchy, an ever-intrigued clicking hum almost always emitting from him when in the presence of something foreign. While his face is alien and expressionless, there does seem to be a glimmer in his eyes that suggests some degree of cunning to his strange, trepidatious nature.

As of right now, he looks majorly like a mix between a praying mantis and a moth, and he's very fidgety.

Vallie

Praying mantises are awesome !

Wanted to point at this bit: '...faded auburn markings ranging from thick, wavy lines that shrink into a strand of diminishing dots.'

I normally see the use of 'range' or 'ranging' being 'ranging from X to Y', in that it expects two points to compare against, whereas it seems that you've just got one (wavy lines that turn into dots). 'Ranging' implies to me that he has a variety of different markings, from line to dots, but as written I'm not sure if you meant instead to say that his markings start as lines and turn into small dots?

I like it, anyways!

Vallie

Ehene said:

Hey, I have a description! What do you guys think? I'd love some feedback.

I think it's pretty good, particularly the maple tree simile - I like vivid imagery like that! One thing I might suggest is with 'His body, standing a head under two metres, is covered in..' just re-order it as 'Standing a head under two metres, his body is covered in..' because you get an easy way to avoid two sentences starting with the same word in a row.

Tyrmalon

Vallie said:

Praying mantises are awesome !

Wanted to point at this bit: '...faded auburn markings ranging from thick, wavy lines that shrink into a strand of diminishing dots.'

I normally see the use of 'range' or 'ranging' being 'ranging from X to Y', in that it expects two points to compare against, whereas it seems that you've just got one (wavy lines that turn into dots). 'Ranging' implies to me that he has a variety of different markings, from line to dots, but as written I'm not sure if you meant instead to say that his markings start as lines and turn into small dots?

I like it, anyways!

Thank you! ^^

As for Tyr's markings, they start off as lines and diminish in thickness to the point of breaking into dots. At the time of writing his description, I wasn't sure how to convey it right. 

Vallie

I think the way you worded it just now would work, something like:

'His slender body is covered in a dull beige carapace with faded auburn markings that begin as thick, wavy lines before diminishing gradually into strands of petite dots.'

Maybe make it sound more manly by not using petite, but that's off the top of my head :P