Descriptions Wanted 1.0

Adeleine

She is a beautiful siren and is tall and shapely, with lithe, toned limbs and creamy, ivory-hued skin covered in the black smudges of ritual markings that decorate her head to toe. Her face is round and youthful, with kohl-lined lime green eyes under thin dark brows, resting above plump, rose- petal pink lips, the tips of her pristine fangs making dimples upon the lower as they peek out. Dirty blonde hair falls about her shoulders with bits of feathers and beads woven into the locks, and two tiny horns jutting up from her scalp, curling slightly. A slender neck leads to her modest, b-cup breasts, and a slender tummy flares back out, only a little, with her fairly narrow but still feminine hips. Her arms and legs are long, and end in dexterous hands and feet, which are usually coated in blood. Slithering from just above her shapely butt is a long, sinuous tail, dark as night and ending in a demonic spade.

Tydas

Really, people should be docked credibility if they create descriptions that divert too much from HELP <race>. Atavians with bat wings, Sirens made to look more like demonic succubi, that weird rajamala-atavian chimera, characters who aren't serpents displaying sharp fangs...

I mean, when Tydas was an Atavian, he had black feathered wings which goes fairly against HELP ATAVIANS. But at least I RPed that as dying his naturally grey wings with black inks, like other people with odd colored wings tend to do. I've seen some weird things (particularly on our Occie friends) that have legitimate in-world explanations for, but these are really, really out there.

Adeleine

Tydas said:
I mean, when Tydas was an Atavian, he had black feathered wings which goes fairly against HELP ATAVIANS. 

It really doesn't. There's nothing saying Atavians can't have black feathered wings; it'd be uncommon, sure, but not impossible. Ordinary birds like ravens, crows, blackbirds, starlings have black feathers so it's not unreasonable to think atavians could have them as well.

As an aside, I don't like it when people describe their breasts by the cup size. "B-cup" breasts could be any number of shapes and sizes; these people have no idea how a lady's tits actually work.

Adeleine

I changed my description up a bit.

She is a winged atavian, her Arcadian heritage evident in her iridescent blue-gray wings and the fair, stormy hue of her eyes. Her slender body is tempered with toned muscle, though she retains a sort of statuesque grace, always holding herself with a measure of discipline and pride. Pale, but not unpleasantly so, her skin bears only a few blemishes: a freckle here, a nick or scrape there. Her dark hair falls just past her shoulders in layered, feathery waves; she keeps it tied into a loose ponytail at the top of her neck with a short blue ribbon. A simple silver hairclip in the shape of a stylized wing keep it clear from her oft-smiling face.

Anedhel

Missing an 's' in 'keeps it clear from her' etc. etc.!

Adeleine

Yeah, good catch. That sentence is now "A simple silver hairclip in the shape of a stylized wing keeps her fringe clear from her oft-smiling face. "

Elynithara

She is a graceful tsol'aa woman, standing just shy of six feet tall with a statuesque physique and a proud, dignified bearing. There is a subtle sense of finesse and elegance inherent to her movements, from the slightest wave of her delicate hands to the confident gait of her exceptionally long and lissome legs. Her figure is slim, even by Aalen standards, and yet physically fit; lean, well-defined muscles ripple just beneath the surface of her smooth skin, visible results of what could only be a strenuous exercise regimen. Fiery orange-red hair - vibrant with all the shifting hues of autumn -  tumbles down freely along her back, the many unruly ringlets curling and coiling in a capricious manner. Her almond-shaped eyes, moss-green with flecks of gray and blue, are fringed by long, slightly curled lashes, appearing dark as soot against her otherwise pale complexion. Her features convey what would traditionally be considered a refined charm, chiefly accentuated by high cheek bones, a dainty, slightly upturned nose, and a pair of rosy lips.

I'm not terribly good at writing and would really like for some advice on how to improve. Some people have that creative and eloquent flow that really imparts a character's entire concept in just a short paragraph. Aaaanyway. The character is meant to look the blademaster part, well-trained, graceful, and with a toned musculature. I wanted to try and capture the tsol'aa feeling as well - or at least how I envision them - full of poise and elegance. Additionally, I wanted her to be tall. Not only 'she is six feet tall', but try to and emphasise it. Here's my reasoning:

The first sentence was just what people might notice from afar. A tall tsol'aa woman. In the second sentence, I tried to figure out how to describe characteristics of her body without it all being listed as 'her shoulders are narrow, her waist is thin, her arms are slender, et cetera', and although it only mentions her hands and legs, it does emphasize the longness of her legs. I tried to illustrate her physical condition in the third sentence, the idea being that she is pretty firm and not particularly fluffy. I added the 'Aalen standards' part as a way to reference other tsol'aa, and I hope that got through (if it's not obvious, I might have to change it). Hair and eyes are just sort of standard attempts at creative writing for me, whereas the last line was just a way to round off the description by mentioning a few characteristics in the same sentence. All in all, I'm pretty satisfied, but I feel like there's still room for improvement.

Adeleine

It looks exceptionally well-written to me. Better than mine, at any rate. I wouldn't know how to improve upon it and I doubt 90% of the playerbase would either.

Krypton

With nary an errantly used hyphen anywhere in there, your description stands solidly in the top 1%, my dear.

Antonius

The "and" in "Her figure is slim, even by Aalen standards, and yet physically fit" feels out of place to me, but I'm by no means an expert.

Elynithara

And now it feels out of place to me too.

Does anyone know the proper grammar for that sentence?

Antonius

I would just drop the "and" from that sentence, reads fine to me without it.

Shayde

The only odd part is that you describe her physique in the beginning and in the middle of the description. If you can figure out which one you'd like to drop, I think it would make your description flow better.

My suggestion is dropping it from the first sentence and stopping at her height. "Statuesque" makes me already think of what was described in the third sentence and is a touch repetitive.

Shayde

This might be a personal preference, but removing "fluffy" descriptors will make it feel more polished. An example would be: "Vibrant with all the shifting hues of autumn." I would leave it at fiery orange-red hair tumbles down her back and skip that part. I feel as if a lot of people describe their hair as "fall" or "autumn" and I wonder to myself why? When I am looking at someone's hair, my mind does not immediately think of seasons. It is not very necessary, but as I said that is personal preference.

Elynithara

I guess we're just different in that regard, then. There's absolutely certain shades of red and orange that I associate with autumn, or contexts where certain combinations of pale blues and white make me think of winter, et cetera. Maybe I should alter the first sentence slightly. I tried some different variations of it, and maybe it became repetitive. The way it made sense in my head was that I started by writing she was statuesque, and then continued by detailing what that actually meant. Sort of how you can write "She is pretty," but unless you elaborate, people will have different ideas of what pretty actually means. Maybe I was overthinking that.

Here's an image of what I sort of was basing the character on (actually a portrait I found for a completely different character elsewhere, but it was the closest I could find that fitted my idea of a red-haired tsol'aa fighter):

Not exactly what I envisioned, but a good starting point for inspiration. It's getting late here so I'll probably be making some final adjustments for the description tomorrow.

Adeleine

All the colours of autumn~

Bann

Damn, them eyes tho

Adeleine

She bears the arms: Barry of thirteen Gules and Argent, a canton Azure mullety of the second.

I'm going to do this and nobody is going to stop me. 

Krypton

Adeleine said:

She bears the arms: Barry of thirteen Gules and Argent, a canton Azure mullety of the second.

I'm going to do this and nobody is going to stop me. 

Har har.

Elynithara

Daeir said:
Definitely very well written, but something that I find a lot of people forget in Achaean design is that light varies from locale to locale, and thus has to be approached in a distinctly neutral domain. In a well lit room, I can very clearly see Elynithara's hair being as vibrant as you portray it given the material you've linked earlier in this thread. But in Moghedu? Or when deep-sea-diving? Will the hair be "vibrant" in all circumstances? On the surface of Nishnatoba? Or the Moon? Unless, of course, you intend for her hair to possess a "glow" of sorts. That's what I take away from it, anyway.

I'd use something like.. "Fiery orange-red hair of autumnal hue tumbles freely..", but it's entirely up to you, of course.

Similar thing with her muscles rippling - active adjective for a passive description. It implies motion of some kind, and you are not always going to be in a situation where you are moving, or in an environment where such movement is visible. I'd position it to contrast with her smooth skin rather than sit directly beneath it, if that makes sense. Something like "well-defined muscles accentuate her smooth skin, visible results.."

I'm nitpicking like crazy, if you haven't noticed. It's above most descriptions in the game, honestly.

Again, I think it is a matter of preference. Some people want their descriptions completely static in a way that represents them no matter the circumstance. Personally, I find this approach overly restrictive; how can you even tell that someone's hair is blonde or that their eyes are green in near complete darkness, but on the other hand, how can you not tell that their hair is blonde or that their eyes are green if meeting them in a properly lit dining room? In the same manner, some people believe that bra descriptions that provide lift or stability should not be allowed, because what if a man wears them and need neither lift nor stability? To draw the argument to its very tip, how can you have a description at all when there are people who roleplay blind characters and could never see anything about you at all?

To me, it is more important to paint a telling description of function or appearance in a way that represent the person's or objects true nature. Use words like 'fierce', 'savage', and 'wild' for a druid who spent their life harnessing animal spirits to empower themself, even if they occasionally end up in situations where they are as meek as a mewling kitten. I try to incorporate as many senses as I can in descriptions, because that is how we perceive and interact with the world around us, and active adjectives make written characters seem all that much more alive. It's one thing to mention a fluttering of hair - because hair has the potential to flutter all on its own - than say having your description mention daggers being drawn, twirled, and then sheathed again. Likewise, I have no issues with someone's description mentioning a permanent scowl, because that person then using the smile emote just means that their expression changed, not that they caused a world-shattering paradox of opposing expressions.

Summa summarum: I find descriptions that are too static do not make me as intrigued about them as descriptions that hint at personality or nature. I appreciate the feedback regardless.

EDIT:
Also, fo' real, when was the last time you went deep-sea diving and looked at someone and thought to yourself 'O no no no, yo hair and nails and face ain't looking like that down here - TSK TSK TSK!'? If the answer is anything but 'never', I can't help but think that you have seriously misunderstood the fundamental purpose and intent of MUD descriptions.

Nazihk

Daeir said:
Definitely very well written, but something that I find a lot of people forget in Achaean design is that light varies from locale to locale, and thus has to be approached in a distinctly neutral domain. In a well lit room, I can very clearly see Elynithara's hair being as vibrant as you portray it given the material you've linked earlier in this thread. But in Moghedu? Or when deep-sea-diving? Will the hair be "vibrant" in all circumstances? On the surface of Nishnatoba? Or the Moon? Unless, of course, you intend for her hair to possess a "glow" of sorts. That's what I take away from it, anyway. 

These kinds of nitpicks are the terrible senseless nitpicks that make people hate the communities associated with these games.

Just assume the description is under reasonable daylight circumstances. If you are in circumstances where you couldn't make out that detail, then just do the reasonable thing and pretend that you can't see it. Having to do all this "Well, what if there's no light sources?" and "What if you're underwater?" and "What if you're underwater and the person looking at you is color blind and what if they're also not wearing their glasses and what if they also have an eye infection?" crap is pointless and terrible.

Adeleine

If you're underwater, aren't you in an air pocket anyway? Unless you're a grook, in which case you don't even have any hair.

Adeleine

She is a graceful tsol'aa. She has wide, silted sable eyes that shimmer from behind the peaks of her blubbery, rubescent cheeks. Her face is enveloped in her cheeks and neck rolls as her jowls dribble towards her chest. Her flaxen hair gleams in the sunlight, while her physique is a staggering mass as her belly pushes itself forward several feet and sinks towards her knees. Her bosom hangs down towards her mountainous rolls. Fat rolls cascade over her arms and hands and submerge all of her lower body and tree trunk thighs. 

Shayde

Nazihk said:

Daeir said:
Definitely very well written, but something that I find a lot of people forget in Achaean design is that light varies from locale to locale, and thus has to be approached in a distinctly neutral domain. In a well lit room, I can very clearly see Elynithara's hair being as vibrant as you portray it given the material you've linked earlier in this thread. But in Moghedu? Or when deep-sea-diving? Will the hair be "vibrant" in all circumstances? On the surface of Nishnatoba? Or the Moon? Unless, of course, you intend for her hair to possess a "glow" of sorts. That's what I take away from it, anyway. 

These kinds of nitpicks are the terrible senseless nitpicks that make people hate the communities associated with these games.

Just assume the description is under reasonable daylight circumstances. If you are in circumstances where you couldn't make out that detail, then just do the reasonable thing and pretend that you can't see it. Having to do all this "Well, what if there's no light sources?" and "What if you're underwater?" and "What if you're underwater and the person looking at you is color blind and what if they're also not wearing their glasses and what if they also have an eye infection?" crap is pointless and terrible.

This is not "senseless" nitpicking, it is what is going to happen when someone starts crafting. I've had a ring returned before for the stone "glimmering" because of the reasoning it won't glimmer when it is dark. Crafting rules in Achaea got very strict in terms of symbolism also. I've gotten used to getting down to the nitty gritty, not using too many fluffy adjectives like gorgeous, or using metaphors.

Of course, with character descriptions, there is going to be more free reign, but I definitely know where Daeir is coming from.

Edit: I still remember someone getting upset that the word beautiful in one of my descs slipped through when theirs didn't. That was interesting!

Sena

I don't see a problem with something like "glimmering". If there's enough light to see something, there's enough light for it to glimmer (it depends on how the light hits it, but that's always true, even in bright sunlight it might not currently be glimmering).

Viho

That doesn't mean it's not senseless. 

Edit: ninja'd, comment was directed at Shaydes.

Shayde

Sena said:

I don't see a problem with something like "glimmering". If there's enough light to see something, there's enough light for it to glimmer (it depends on how the light hits it, but that's always true, even in bright sunlight it might not currently be glimmering).

I've gotten away with it now by using the phrase "when the light hits it". ROFL.

Adeleine

Those crafting rules are senselessly nitpicking and need to be changed too. Who cares if it's dark? I have nightsight, I can see it in the dark.

Nazihk

Shayde said:
This is not "senseless" nitpicking, it is what is going to happen when someone starts crafting. I've had a ring returned before for the stone "glimmering" because of the reasoning it won't glimmer when it is dark. Crafting rules in Achaea got very strict in terms of symbolism also. I've gotten used to getting down to the nitty gritty, not using too many fluffy adjectives like gorgeous, or using metaphors.

Of course, with character descriptions, there is going to be more free reign, but I definitely know where Daeir is coming from.

Edit: I still remember someone getting upset that the word beautiful in one of my descs slipped through when theirs didn't. That was interesting!

It's still senseless nitpicking when the crafting approvers do it.

The entire "BUT WHAT IF THERE IS NO LIGHT?!" thing is a terrible line to draw in the sand. Why are you telling me it's blue? I can't tell blue from purple in the dark. Why are you telling me it's made out of leather? In the dark I might mistake it for cloth. Do you really think I can tell fabric types apart by sight at midnight by torchlight?

It's a ridiculous rabbit hole to jump down and it never leads anywhere good. 

Tydas

Nazihk said:

Shayde said:
This is not "senseless" nitpicking, it is what is going to happen when someone starts crafting. I've had a ring returned before for the stone "glimmering" because of the reasoning it won't glimmer when it is dark. Crafting rules in Achaea got very strict in terms of symbolism also. I've gotten used to getting down to the nitty gritty, not using too many fluffy adjectives like gorgeous, or using metaphors.

Of course, with character descriptions, there is going to be more free reign, but I definitely know where Daeir is coming from.

Edit: I still remember someone getting upset that the word beautiful in one of my descs slipped through when theirs didn't. That was interesting!

It's still senseless nitpicking when the crafting approvers do it.

The entire "BUT WHAT IF THERE IS NO LIGHT?!" thing is a terrible line to draw in the sand. Why are you telling me it's blue? I can't tell blue from purple in the dark. Why are you telling me it's made out of leather? In the dark I might mistake it for cloth. Do you really think I can tell fabric types apart by sight at midnight by torchlight?

It's a ridiculous rabbit hole to jump down and it never leads anywhere good. 

Ehh, I think you're taking it too far. Describing something as made from "rough leather" or "a clear blue crystal" isn't unreasonable: you can assume what it would look like based on the environment. Is it under a midday sun? The leather will be dull but lit, the crystal will shine and maybe even glimmer. In the dark, the leather will be so dark as to be difficult to discern, and the crystal may appear blue or purple, tough to tell.

The point is, in your examples, you're describing the material its made of, not the qualities or actions it takes under certain conditions. Saying a stone is "glimmering" is not an intrinsic property of the stone, which never changes - it's a quality given to it by the environment, which does change. Describe the intrinsic properties, and let the reader assume that it glimmers in the light and does not in the dark.