Descriptions Wanted 1.0

Ahmet

Crossbreeds have never really been a thing (for players, at least). They're the extremely rare exception, not the rule, and they've almost entirely been reserved for denizens, though I feel like crossbred traits are one of those things that are never really going to die out (much like tsol'aa ear mutilation, atavian butterfly/bat wings, sirens with bosoms that make everyone drool just by looking at them, etc etc).

Tahquil

@sarapis @Tecton @Nicola
Admin stance on crossbreeds? Or adventurers of one race displaying physical traits that would be uniquely identifying as another race(s)?

Nicola

The Tsol'teth worked for centuries to perfect the art of altering the ribbons of spiral creation within creatures to create blending for their glorious purposes, and each new aspect they want to add or base they want to alter is an entirely new journey of scientific discovery (and often repeated failure.)

You will see hybrid creatures in the Underrealm, no it's not possible to just 'make it happen' or have it stem from different race parents, two Achaeans going about the onerous task of creating offspring will create something of a particular race, not always necessarily matching the races of the parents involved, although this might be a cuckoo situation!

TL;DR We don't support blending in denizens via simple breeding.

Aegoth

Well, according to this last event, crossbreeding makes gods

Zerachiel

I am really bad at longform, because I tend to be very terse and to-the-point, both IRL and in text. I would very much like help making sure I'm not being flowery for the sake of filling space (and also help limit Mary-Sueishness):

She would say she was vertically challenged, though she stands slightly more than 5 feet. Rather stout for one such as, generous in the hips and not so above. Free-flowing waist-length locks, a rich titian hue save for the one inch-thick stripe of silver down the left, part midway to frame high cheekbones and glinting golden brimstone orbs accentuated by her creamy complexion. Under her well-proportioned, aquiline nose sits two florid lips, plump like slices of pink grapefruit, under the right corner of which is nestled one single offending freckle. Voluminous, argentine feathers coat her wings, which are tucked neatly at her sides when not in use.

Melaina

@Zerachiel

She would say she was vertically challenged, though she stands slightly more than 5 feet.

Nobody can know how she would describe herself just by looking at her.

Rather stout for one such as, generous in the hips and not so above.

This isn't a sentence. Also, I think you mean 'one such as her'.

Free-flowing waist-length locks, a rich titian hue save for the one inch-thick stripe of silver down the left, part midway to frame high cheekbones and glinting golden brimstone orbs accentuated by her creamy complexion.

I dislike the use of orbs instead of eyes, but that's personal preference.

Under her well-proportioned, aquiline nose sits two florid lips, plump like slices of pink grapefruit, under the right corner of which is nestled one single offending freckle.

Lips is plural, so sit not sits. I find this section very flowery.

Voluminous, argentine feathers coat her wings, which are tucked neatly at her sides when not in use.

Voluminous seems a strange word to use to describe feathers. They're big and floaty?

Minifie

Zerachiel said:

I am really bad at longform, because I tend to be very terse and to-the-point, both IRL and in text. I would very much like help making sure I'm not being flowery for the sake of filling space (and also help limit Mary-Sueishness):

She would say she was vertically challenged, though she stands slightly more than 5 feet. Rather stout for one such as, generous in the hips and not so above. Free-flowing waist-length locks, a rich titian hue save for the one inch-thick stripe of silver down the left, part midway to frame high cheekbones and glinting golden brimstone orbs accentuated by her creamy complexion. Under her well-proportioned, aquiline nose sits two florid lips, plump like slices of pink grapefruit, under the right corner of which is nestled one single offending freckle. Voluminous, argentine feathers coat her wings, which are tucked neatly at her sides when not in use.

Hi, I'll give this a go if you like:

She is of diminutive stature, standing a little over 5 feet tall. Disproportionately measured, her hips are generously elegant, while this shapeliness is not accentuated elsewhere. Flowing freely to her waist is her titian locks, minus a notable strain of pure silver through a small collective of strands on her left bangs. High cheekbones frame her delicate creamy complexion with piercing eyes of sunset gold. Her grapefruit-plump lips rest accutely below a nose of aquiline. Offending below her right lip is an endearing freckle, an additive of culture to her elegance. Noticible, but retracted, are wings covered in voluminous ivory feathers, imperfection not lost within.

I'm not great with words but this paints a picture in my face similar to yours though.

Zerachiel

@Melaina

She would say she was vertically challenged, though she stands slightly more than 5 feet.

Nobody can know how she would describe herself just by looking at her.

Rather stout for one such as, generous in the hips and not so above.

This isn't a sentence. Also, I think you mean 'one such as her'.

Free-flowing waist-length locks, a rich titian hue save for the one inch-thick stripe of silver down the left, part midway to frame high cheekbones and glinting golden brimstone orbs accentuated by her creamy complexion.

I dislike the use of orbs instead of eyes, but that's personal preference.

Under her well-proportioned, aquiline nose sits two florid lips, plump like slices of pink grapefruit, under the right corner of which is nestled one single offending freckle.

Lips is plural, so sit not sits. I find this section very flowery.

Voluminous, argentine feathers coat her wings, which are tucked neatly at her sides when not in use.

Voluminous seems a strange word to use to describe feathers. They're big and floaty?

@Minifie

Hi, I'll give this a go if you like:

She is of diminutive stature, standing a little over 5 feet tall. Disproportionately measured, her hips are generously elegant, while this shapeliness is not accentuated elsewhere. Flowing freely to her waist is her titian locks, minus a notable strain of pure silver through a small collective of strands on her left bangs. High cheekbones frame her delicate creamy complexion with piercing eyes of sunset gold. Her grapefruit-plump lips rest accutely below a nose of aquiline. Offending below her right lip is an endearing freckle, an additive of culture to her elegance. Noticible, but retracted, are wings covered in voluminous ivory feathers, imperfection not lost within.

I'm not great with words but this paints a picture in my face similar to yours though.

Yeah, see, this is where my desire to remain succinct gets me, because I will mash sentences together that shouldn't be just to save space.

"One such as" vs "one such as her/she", this was strictly a grammatical flavor decision. I like the cadence of the sentence, but if it's outright wrong I'll change it.

For voluminous, I was going for the clothing descriptor - "loose and ample".

Eyes feels too simple. But I'd rather use "orbs" than "optics", especially since I'm describing them as brimstone, not like brimstone. But again, that's a personal grammatical flavor thing. Especially if it's just personal on your part, I'd like to keep that as it is.

In any case, here's a revision, line by line.

Rather stout for one such as, she is quite generous in the hips while not so above, and stands slightly over 5 feet.

To her waist flow rich titian locks, with one inch-thick stream of silver spilling down the left side.

Orbs of glinting brimstone and a stately aquiline nose are accentuated by a creamy complexion and high cheekbones.

One chocolate freckle nests just under the right corner of her plush, pink lips.

Her voluminous, argentine wings are tucked neatly at her sides when not in use.

Krypton

That makes it sound like your whole eyeball, sclera and all, is yellow.

Sena

Using "orbs" in place of "eyes" is going to be hated by a lot of people, because of how extremely overused it is in amateur writing (particularly fanfiction and roleplaying). It's one of the more archetypical examples of purple prose.

It's still a matter of personal preference, but I'd avoid it.

Zerachiel

Is "Eyes of glinting brimstone aspect" better?

Tahquil

Be careful of the imagery you use. I get the feeling you wish to be dramatic in saying you have yellow eyes. However (to me at least) I go to the first thing I know about brimstone and read it as 'her eyes are a colour that makes them look like they would smell of rotten eggs'

Omor

I get confused every time I remember you're a female because @Mindshell has the same picture.

Nazihk

Just say that you have yellow eyes.

The biggest mistake that people make with descriptions, imo, is pulling out their Fancy Color Thesaurus. Can't have yellow eyes, they have to be "brimstone orbs". Hair isn't red, it's "mane of titian hues". Eyes aren't red either, they're the color of "sanguine merlot".

Ditch the flowery crap imo. All that stuff really does is make it HARDER to make a mental image of the character. 

Tahquil

I thought titian was white. At least that is what my paint tube said.

Nazihk

I had to google it and I got this:

Titian hair - Wikipedia
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Titian_hair
Titian is a tint of red hair, most commonly described as brownish-orange in color.

This is, btw, a great example of why you should ditch the Color Thesaurus and stick with the simple color names. 

Kyrra

Nazihk said:

I had to google it and I got this:

Titian hair - Wikipedia
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Titian_hair
Titian is a tint of red hair, most commonly described as brownish-orange in color.

This is, btw, a great example of why you should ditch the Color Thesaurus and stick with the simple color names. 

I would have called that auburn personally.

Minifie

Thing is using different descriptors to specify shades is good, but I always stick to more renown colours (crimson, sulphur, auburn for reds as example).

Going as far north to be flowery as possible just makes it painful to read, especially since there are players with english as a second language (or those of us who have awful english skills anyway).

Dieg

I'm really glad this thread is here! As one of those ESL people, I imagine a description that sounds just fine to me might actually say a bunch of ridiculous things that get lost in translation. Without further ado, here's mine! Tear it apart please, I really appreciate any criticism that helps me get better at this.

He is a winged atavian of tall stature and slender build. He stands at about six feet in height, with narrow limbs and a gaunt face. The ashen, almost gray color of his skin suggests most of Dieg's time is spent indoors and away from sunlight. His hair is thin and unkempt, with messy black locks of uneven length that don't quite reach his shoulders. Even his wings, dark gray in color, look disheveled and barely functional. His arms and torso are scarred with a patchwork of demonic symbols, barely visible under several layers of clothing. Overall it is a very unhealthy look, and it does not appear he takes great care of himself. Still, Dieg carries himself with an upright posture and dignified look--a sharp contrast to his emaciated appearance.

From reading snippets in this thread, I imagine there might be suggestions regarding the scars and mention of clothing. Considering that Dieg is basically always wearing -something- I felt it fitting to mention clothes in general, but I am open to suggestions. 

Melaina

@Dieg I wouldn't have guessed that English is your second language. This is very nicely written. My only criticism is that narrow doesn't really collocate with limbs. I'd suggest spindly, bony, or gangly as alternatives. 

ETA: I think your mention of clothing is fine here. What bothers people is when the description says they're wearing one thing and then they're actually wearing something else, or nothing at all. 

Zbaco

First time in this particular part of the forums, saw this thread, and figured what the heck. Have at it!

He is a tiger-like rajamala and is a tall, powerful looking person, standing at nearly seven feet in height. His thick fur is a dark reddish-orange, noticably darker than the average Rajamala's fur, and striped with long black stripes. Although most of the stripes are edged with silver, he still sports a full coat of fur. The stripes stop near his belly, which is covered in soft white fur, and his long tail curls up behind him, its white tip gently twitching back and forth. Bright blue eyes look out from a furry face, twinkling mischeviously at you. There is a hint of a smile on his face, suggesting that a wry sense of humor lurks not too far beneath the surface. Although he is totally covered by fur, one can see the hints of old battlescars beneath the fur, suggesting that he has seen his share of combat and is more the wiser for it.

Melaina

@Zbaco You say fur six times (seven if you include furry). I'd consider rewriting to avoid the repetition.

The third sentence is a non sequitur. Why would his stripes being edged in silver mean that his coat wouldn't be full?

Zbaco isn't always going to be smiling, and his eyes won't twinkle at everybody who looks at him.

Antonius

I think he means actual silver, rather than the fur being silver in colour, so I guess the intention was that there is still fur underneath and it's not applied directly to the skin?

Virgo

Zbaco said:

First time in this particular part of the forums, saw this thread, and figured what the heck. Have at it!

He is a tiger-like rajamala and is a tall, powerful looking person, standing at nearly seven feet in height [1]. His thick fur is a dark reddish-orange, noticably darker than the average Rajamala's fur, and striped with long black stripes. Although most of the stripes are edged with silver, he still sports a full coat of fur [2]. The stripes stop near his belly, which is covered in soft white fur, and his long tail curls up behind him, its white tip gently twitching back and forth [3]. Bright blue eyes look out from a furry face, twinkling mischeviously at you [4]. There is a hint of a smile on his face, suggesting that a wry sense of humor lurks not too far beneath the surface. Although he is totally covered by fur, one can see the hints of old battlescars beneath the fur [5], suggesting that he has seen his share of combat and is more the wiser for it.

1. I'm all about assertiveness, especially when it comes to descriptions. Personally, I'd suggest "He is a tiger-like Rajamala and is a tall, powerful being, standing nearly seven feet in height."

2. Why do you use although here? Unless it is actual silver, like the metal, then the use doesn't make sense. Also, no reason to say he has a full coat of fur, especially if you later go on to say it again - needless repitition, in ny opinion. I'd replace the sentence with more detail on the stripes - horizontal or vertical? Straight or wavey? Elaborate on the silver, too.

3. As these are two different things, I'd break them into two sentences -  one for the tail, one for the fur on his belly. You don't need to have complex sentences every time, either, as that's a common theme you've got going. IE - The stripes terminate near his abdomen, which is covered in soft, white fur. Curling up behind him, his tail gently twitches to and fro. - Or something.

4. While I don't have a problem with the use of 'you', I'd replace part of the sentence with some on his snout. To me, he looks a lot like Hermione Granger from HP after she took the Pollyjuice Potion and became a cat-lady. 

5. I'd just get rid if this because of how many times you already used the word fur, but that's a personal thing.

Virgo

Also @Zbaco because I forget sometimes people don't check. 

Also, would love some feedback on mine. I think it's a pretty good description, but I miss stuff. T_T

He is a mhun, on the taller end of the spectrum at about six and a half feet in height. The young Mhaldorian wields a frame built of sleek, trained athletic muscle, broad of shoulder yet slight of waist to construct a slim and lean physique. His light brown skin is reminiscent of caramel, lightly shining with the vitality of youth. Often lax, almond-shaped eyes lazily wander about their surroundings, with the man's irises being a hazy mix of light hazel and olive. His slim nose features slightly broad nostrils, yet only goes on to complement his slightly thick, shapely lips, chiseled jawline, and equally built chin. A somewhat heavy smattering of dark freckles pepper the bridge of his nose and cheeks. Light brown in color, his hair is a mess of thick, bouncing curls, long enough to cover his forehead and the majority of his ears, yet not so long as to impede upon his line of sight.

Azram

I'd love to get some feedback on my description if anyone has the time. I'm trying to think of some way to be more descriptive of the body, but here is what I have so far.

He is a lizard-like Xoran. Standing roughly seven feet tall, a fine lattice of cobalt scales covers his muscular form, glistening whenever the light shines on them. His angular head features a relatively short snout set below a pair of gleaming, yellow eyes. Despite its compact nature, a wall of razor-sharp teeth remains clearly visible whenever he opens his mouth. Thick, corded muscles comprise much of his stocky torso before giving way to lithe, muscular limbs that terminate in a set of sharp claws. Behind him, a long, thick tail provides balance to his large frame.

Remilia

I recently revamped my description. Mostly threw out a lot of unnecessary big words and verbiage.

She is a human. Remilia stands among the tallest of her peers, giving her a decidedly statuesque appearance. Though she has been gifted with a generous milky-hued physique, the keen lines of her countenance hint at a calculating demeanour. Her luxuriant hair is bound in a loose ponytail at the nape of her neck, tumbling down her back in a voluminous flaxen mess. The front of it has been entirely swept to the right side of her face, partially shadowing her eye. A modest helping of smoky liner accents her sharply angled cerulean eyes and fairly thick eyebrows, and her lips are faintly tinted peach. An escarbuncle has been branded upon the bottom of her forearm, the indelible scar bright pink against her skin.

Virgo

Azram said:

I'd love to get some feedback on my description if anyone has the time. I'm trying to think of some way to be more descriptive of the body, but here is what I have so far.

He is a lizard-like Xoran. Standing roughly seven feet tall, a fine lattice [1] of cobalt scales covers his muscular form, glistening whenever the light shines on them. His angular head features a relatively short snout set below a pair of gleaming, yellow eyes. Despite its compact nature, a wall of razor-sharp teeth remains clearly visible whenever he opens his mouth. Thick, corded muscles comprise much of his stocky torso before giving way to lithe, muscular limbs that terminate in a set of sharp claws [2]. Behind him, a long, thick tail provides balance to his large frame.

@Azram
 
1. "a structure consisting of strips of wood or metal crossed and fastened together with square or diamond-shaped spaces left between" - I definitely get what you're trying to say here, and probably everyone else, but obviously as per definition, you've got a scaled body that is missing every other scale. Unfortunately, I don't know of a better word, but just wanted to point it out just in case.

2. Again, I definitely know what you're trying to convey, but the wording is a little off, IF we wanted to get technical. This is just a 50/50 thing, you can add in a little bit on his fingers (long? nimble? thick? slim?), or you can leave it as it is. TBH, both are totally fine, just pointing out.

Really good description, period. You don't have anything fancy such as stances, movement, or whathaveyoupurpleprose that others like to use, but I can still sense that this guy has some real power backing his bite. 

@Remilia I'd comment on yours, but your description is considerably better than mine and I don't see anything you missed except you deleted the bit about that HOURGLASS FIGURE, ooo lala.

Zenith

@Remilia

I'm pretty new to all this so maybe it's okay to not say it (or maybe I missed it), but what color is her hair? Is that something you think you should include? 

Virgo

@Zenith

"Flax or Flaxen is a pale yellowish-gray color named after flax seeds." She's a blonde.