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Comments
The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."
(Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."
(Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
She is a beautiful siren whose ethereally delicate form moves with flowing finesse. Sleekly framing the petite heart shape of her face and spilling over her narrow shoulders, bounteous raven ringlets tumble down her back to dance around her lithe waist like smooth spirals of velvet and gossamer - their unbound cascade luxuriantly leonine. Angelical, her exquisite features seem sculpted of fine alabaster, a fragility that belies their marble-like definition and subtly vulpine quality. Slim brows arc over gently tilted, great almond eyes that possess limpid irises of sea and sunlight - serene azure pools that encompass molten rings of aurulent effulgence. The rich, crystalline radiance of that gaze scintillates, enriched between the feathery sweep of her inky satin lashes. Gracefully arching cheekbones curve into a pert button nose which rests above heart-shaped lips of luxurious carmine, their velvet rosiness paired with her incarnadine-flushed cheeks; moonlit porcelain, the petal soft, delicate silk of her creamy skin is accentuated by that vividity. Her diminutive stature lends to the exceeding daintiness of her lissome physique, an angular delicacy softened by delineated curves of lush elegance. This, coupled with slender limbs and little hands and feet, defines an appearance of elfin grace. Pearlescent and barely raised, the intricate lines of a seven-spoked escarbuncle brand her left palm.
You shone like the sun.
Shine on, you crazy diamond.
Some much more specific comments, which I hope help:
HAIR
1. Velvety hair worn in spiraling curls I can get. Spirals of velvet is a rather strange image. Spirals of velvet and gossamer is -really- strange.
2. How is Ilira's hair like gossamer? Gossamer as a descriptor refers to something filmy and insubstantial-- it's part of its dictionary definition (the one not involving spider silk). According to the rest of her description, Ilira has thick, waist-length, curly black hair. That's pretty much the opposite of filmy and insubstantial.
3. Lions have tawny manes of straight hair. Ilira's hair is black and curly. Ilira's hair is not leonine, though it may be luxurious.
4. Cascading and spilling are good words to describe long hair. I'm very unsure about hair dancing around someone's waist, though.
5. You probably don't need to describe her hair as cascading AND spilling AND tumbling, or as luxurious AND bounteous.
FACE
1. I actually rather like 'subtly vulpine'. It gives Ilira some individuality and is easy to visualize.
2. You don't need to be angelical AND exquisite. Honestly, I'd suggest losing both. They're overkill: you're describing her face in detail anyway, and because you're a siren the second word of your description is literally 'beautiful'.
3. Heart-shaped lips is a confusing image. If you have to explain it, change it.
4. "features seem sculpted from fine alabaster, a fragility that belies their marble-like definition..." Sculpted from alabaster says more or less the same thing as marble-like definition: the features look carved from stone. Not so much fragile, and one doesn't belie the other.
5. Cheekbones curving into a nose sounds weird.
SKIN
1. Over the course of this description, Ilira's skin is describe as alabaster, marble, moonlit porcelain, and just plain creamy. I get it. She has really pale skin. I don't need to hear it several times, and most of the descriptors sound like they were taken from a bad romance novel.
2. "Petal soft, delicate silk of her creamy skin..." See above comment about the bad romance novel.
3. "incarnadine-flushed cheeks..." Most people will guess the meaning of incarnadine from context, but wouldn't otherwise know what it means. That's a very good sign that it needs to go.
4. Vividity-- try vividness.
5. Luxurious is used for both Ilira's hair and lips, I notice. Repetition should be avoided.
EYES
1. "limpid irises of sea and sunlight-- serene azure pools..." 'Your eyes are like limpid pools' is a well-known cliche-- try googling it. I'd suggest dialing it back rather than just trying to be more original, though. This whole section sounds like you're trying to write love poetry to Ilira's eyes rather than describe them.
2. Translated from purple (or azure and aurulent, as the case may be) prose, Ilira's eyes are blue with gold rings in them. Are these gold rings concentric circles inside the iris? How does this work?
3. "Aurulent effulgence" is classic purple prose. Definition of effulgence: "Effulgence is brightness taken to the extreme. You may be dazzled by it, stunned by it, or even overcome by it. Usually used to refer to the sun or some other mega-star, effulgence can also be used more figuratively." Ilira has weird eyes. Which are apparently not only blue and gold, but also dazzlingly bright, crystalline, and scintillating.
FIGURE
1. Ilira's figure is apparently ethereally delicate, exceedingly dainty, lissome, possessed of an angular delicacy, and with an overall appearance of elfin grace. Also, she's really built-- at least that's how I interpret "delineated curves of lush elegance". There's a lot of redundancy in those descriptions, and also Ilira is going to get a lot of back strain from her Sireni curves if she's that delicate.
2. "moves with flowing finesse" What does this even mean? Answer that question and then use the answer's wording to replace 'flowing finesse'-- or just cut.
GENERAL
1. "Defines an appearance of..." It's pretty clear that you are going for a detailed description, not one painted in broad strokes. You don't need to tell us how those details define Ilira's appearance-- they should do that on their own. This is filler and should be cut.
The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."
(Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
So, I'm actually blind and can't see what's bolded.
HAIR: You're right, "smooth spirals of velvet and gossamer" is awkwardly metaphorical and purple. I will rephrase. When I mention that it's velvet and gossamer, I'm trying to convey that while the hair is thick and smooth and soft, the individual strands are silky and fine. When I say it's leonine, I mean that it's a little wild and uncontrollable. By "dance around her lithe waist", I mean that the tips are wispy and floaty, and the phraseology is just a little prettier than "ends at her waist". Regardless, I will reword most of these things, and try to wax less. Side note: I don't describe it as luxurious, but luxuriant. >.>
FACE: I really like "subtly vulpine" too! I would like to keep either exquisite or angelical, but might opt to cut them both once the description is further whittled. I may also remove both "sculpted of alabaster" and "marble-like definition", as her face is actually quite delicate. I more mean that her countenance has a composed of marble look, generally. I've read phrases like "her heart-shaped mouth" and other heart-shape oriented ways of describing a person's lips in books, and think it's an accurate and pretty way of doing it. I might go for "full" instead, though, or maybe "rosebud". I don't know, I don't really think "heart-shaped lips" is confusing! Lastly, cheekbones curving into a nose is pretty realistic I think! :O What would you say they do, in relation to the nose?
SKIN:
EYES: I'll dial this bit back! Thing is, I'd prefer the description not to be TOO terse and prosaic. Since her eyes are a significant factor in her appearance, I would like to put a little emphasis on them -- perhaps in a slightly poetic way! Her irises are cool blue, with rings of liquid gold around the pupils. Tips on how to describe this and retain poeticism without being a snowflake would be extremely appreciated, because I never get it just right. Basically, her eyes are very clear, bright, and intense/piercing.
FIGURE: When I say "ethereally delicate form", I'm referring to the culmination of her bodily features, basically. I'm also getting the feeling that that makes little to no sense....but do you know what I mean at all? "flowing finesse" = fluid grace. Flowing does work here, I think. Alsooo...I do make her curves sound very large, when they are actually fairly small, just well-defined.
GENERAL: I was planning to cut that part, already!
You shone like the sun.
Shine on, you crazy diamond.
Bolded: Oops, didn't know that-- sorry!. In any case, I think the only bolded piece that wasn't addressed in the specific comments was "The rich, crystalline radiance of that gaze scintillates". Everything about that bothers me.
Hair: As I said before, as a general rule if you have to explain something you should change it. The words you used to explain what you really meant, however, are good ones. Consider using those instead. Re: luxuriant vs. luxurious, I was separating "luxuriantly" from "leonine" because they seemed like entirely separate pieces that happened to be alliterative and so got stuck together. Using luxurious and luxuriant bothwould still be repetition, and I don't recommend it.
Face: I don't really get what 'composed of marble' looks like if not stony. Do you mean she's pale? Has the kind of features an artist would want to sculpt?
Rosebud lips is a good alternative, if still a bit purple.
The curving thing is weird because the cheekbones and nose aren't really connected to each other, just in proximity.
Skin: I strongly disagree with you about incarnadine, though in the end it's your call. The context clues are sufficient, but the idea of a character description is to convey information to people looking at it. If they have to use context clues, you may be expanding their vocabulary but you're not conveying meaning-- they are getting meaning from the words around it. Furthermore, if it's the natural color of Ilira's cheeks it's probably not being used correctly, because something incarnadine is considerably brighter than blush pink. As for luxurious and luxuriant, again, if you use two forms of the same word it is still repetition and should be avoided-- but that's really a lesser issue.
Eyes: "The irises of her large, almond-shaped eyes are a clear, cool blue, with rings of liquid gold around the pupils. " There ya go.
Regarding your fears of being prosaic, my strong advice (for the description in general, not just the eyes) is to find your poetry in the rhythm and flow of your sentences rather than in poetic metaphor or vocabulary in this case.
Figure: Honestly, what I -think- you mean is "she's short and skinny but in a really pretty, graceful way". Beyond that, no clue. And yeah, lush curves would generally be interpreted as big ones.
Once again, hope this helps.
Oh, and if you want to see what -terse- looks like... This is the descrip I used before my current one.
He is a mhun of average height. Lean of frame, he moves with swift economy, his manner guarded and his grey eyes constantly assessing his surroundings. Short-cropped dark hair frames a thin face: his features, though youthful, are lined by hardship and bitter experience.
You are not in any danger of being terse.
The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."
(Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
That's just fine! Also, I removed most of the bolded phrase and reworded it.
Hair: The alliteration actually wasn't intentional! Regardless, I removed leonine.
Face: By "composed of marble", I mean serene, cool, and not tending to display emotion. I will replace "luxurious" with an alternative word because you've sold me on "it's repetitive". I think I'll go with rosebud lips and let just a little bit of purpleness through! Also, how would you rephrase the cheekbone bit?
Skin: I may replace incarnadine, though her cheeks actually do have a remarkably vivid hue. We'll say it's because...magi stuff or something. But they have a natural, perpetual blush of deep red across the cheekbones. Speaking of which, just had an idea for the cheekbone part!
Eyes: I've already reworded the eyes bit, and will post the edited description soon.
Figure: She is very short, and thin almost to the point of being tenuous, but is toned from hunting and exploring and the like. Also, I reworded the description of her curves.
And yeah, both that description and your current one are proof that I'm in little danger.
You shone like the sun.
Shine on, you crazy diamond.
You shone like the sun.
Shine on, you crazy diamond.
She is a beautiful siren whose ethereally delicate form moves with fluid grace. Sleekly framing the small heart shape of her face and spilling over her narrow shoulders, velvety raven ringlets cascade to her lithe waist in a luxuriant, silken tumble. Her fragile, elfin features are subtly vulpine, her countenance seeming composed of marble. Slender brows arc over gently tilted, great almond eyes that possess crystalline irises of cool azure that encompass concentric rings of liquid gold, the vibrant hues accentuated by pupils of starless night. The rich, serene intensity of that gaze smoulders, enriched between the feathery sweep of her inky satin lashes and radiant against her gracefully arching, incarnadine-flushed cheekbones. Her pert button nose rests above a rosebud mouth of sumptuous carmine, that velvet rosiness stark against the creamy paleness of her porcelain skin. Her diminutive stature lends to the exceeding daintiness of her lissome physique, her fine-boned figure softened by petite curves of lush elegance. Pearlescent and barely raised, the intricate lines of a seven-spoked escarbuncle brand her left palm.
You shone like the sun.
Shine on, you crazy diamond.
Because I can't figure out how to edit: I made a couple fairly minor changes, here you are.
She is a beautiful siren whose ethereally delicate form moves with fluid grace. Sleekly framing the small heart shape of her face and spilling over her narrow shoulders, velvety raven ringlets cascade to her lithe waist in a luxuriant, silken tumble. Her fragile, elfin features are subtly vulpine, her countenance seeming composed of marble. The irises of her gently tilted, great almond eyes are a clear, cool azure that encompasses concentric rings of liquid gold around dark pupils. The rich, serene intensity of that gaze smoulders, enriched between the feathery sweep of her inky satin lashes and crystalline against her gracefully arching, incarnadine-flushed cheekbones. Her pert button nose rests above a rosebud mouth of sumptuous carmine, that velvet rosiness stark against the creamy paleness of her porcelain skin. Her diminutive stature lends to the exceeding daintiness of her lissome physique, her fine-boned figure softened by petite curves of lush elegance. Pearlescent and barely raised, the intricate lines of a seven-spoked escarbuncle brand her left palm.
You shone like the sun.
Shine on, you crazy diamond.
The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."
(Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
Finally replaced incarnadine, and changed a few other things around. This is getting repetitive, though, so I'll probably leave it here!
She is a beautiful siren whose ethereally delicate form moves with fluid grace. Her fragile, elfin features are subtly vulpine, her marble-like countenance sleekly framed by velvety raven ringlets that spill over her shoulders and cascade to her narrow waist in a luxuriant, silken tumble. The irises of her great, gently tilted almond eyes are a clear, cool azure that encompasses concentric rings of liquid gold around dark pupils. The rich, serene intensity of that gaze smoulders, enriched between the feathery sweep of her inky satin lashes and crystalline against her gracefully arching, naturally blushed cheekbones. Her pert button nose rests above full lips of sumptuous carmine, that velvet rosiness stark against her creamy porcelain skin. Her diminutive stature lends to the exceeding daintiness of her lissome physique, her fine-boned figure softened by petite curves of lush elegance. Pearlescent and barely raised, the intricate lines of a seven-spoked escarbuncle brand her left palm.
You shone like the sun.
Shine on, you crazy diamond.
She is a beautiful siren of composed and graceful bearing. Her elfin features are subtly vulpine, her small heart-shaped face sleekly framed by velvety raven ringlets that spill over her shoulders and cascade to her narrow waist in a luxuriant tumble. The clear irises of her great, gently tilted almond eyes are a cool, serene azure that encompass concentric rings of liquid gold, centred and accentuated around dark pupils. Set above naturally blushed cheeks, enriched between the feathery sweep of inky satin lashes, they serve as the centrepiece of a rich, smouldering gaze. Her pert button nose rests above full lips of sumptuous carmine, the velvet rosiness stark against her porcelain skin. A diminutive stature and slender limbs lend to the ethereal daintiness of her lissome physique, enhanced by petite curves of svelte elegance. Pearlescent and barely raised, the intricate lines of a seven-spoked escarbuncle brand her left palm.
Again, many thanks to @Jiraishin, and @Armali, who helped out a lot behind the scenes!
You shone like the sun.
Shine on, you crazy diamond.
The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."
(Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
Results of disembowel testing | Knight limb counter | GMCP AB files
The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."
(Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."
(Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
A lot of it was based on homunculi and how they are so malformed and also touched on the empty vessels alchemists kept of themselves to cheat death. In a meta sense it would also explain how characters evolve their look over their years, maybe a change to hair colour, eye shape etc because of the whims of the player. An event that may have been important in the past could have little relevance to their character's outlook now. Tahquil did some shitty little experiments on herself and her vessel during her alchemist days in this vein of study leaning towards setting basic changes to herself, like her hair length when she reformed or reentered her vessel.
But really to keep it with the norm of growths, Tahquil's got shitty short hair as she cuts it with a dagger if it gets long. As if she's going to go to another sentient being and be like, "yo, give me a trim."
The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."
(Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
I mean, perhaps waist-length hair has just become a cultural norm. And @Jiraishin has a good point. Long hair is hardly an impracticality in the Achaean world, when compared to what an adventurer does on a monthly basis. Regardless, I don't find waist-length hair to be silly at all, overused or not. You also mentioned the excessive use of almond-shaped eyes, which might be a mere commonality as well. They're pretty normal in real life, from what I know.
You shone like the sun.
Shine on, you crazy diamond.
@Pyori Yeah, I think we were talking past each other. I agree that waist-length hair is overused, though not nearly as much as a lot of other Achaean memes. I just don't think there should be any expectation that people think about how hard it is to maintain, which one of your replies seemed to suggest.
Almond-shaped eyes I don't think is a problem at all. Lots and lots of people have almond-shaped eyes IRL.
Also, for what it's worth... I used to actually have waist-length hair. Cut off 14 inches for Locks for Love at one point and still had hair well past my shoulders.
The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."
(Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."