Descriptions Wanted 1.0

Finchy

Jiraishin said:

Jir before the masked ball:

He is a mhun of average height. Lean of frame, he moves with swift economy, his manner guarded and his grey eyes constantly assessing his surroundings. Short-cropped dark hair frames a thin, bronze-skinned face: his features, though surprisingly youthful, are lined by hardship and bitter experience. His lips are scarred in several places by a sharp edge, and a thin blade scar traces down one cheekbone.

Jir during the masked ball:

He is a mhun of average height, with bronze skin and short-cropped dark hair. Lean of frame, he moves with swift economy, his manner guarded and his grey eyes constantly assessing his surroundings from behind the impassive countenance of an eerily mirrored mask.

Jir after the masked ball:

He is a mhun of average height, bronze-skinned and lean. He moves with swift economy, his manner guarded and his grey eyes constantly assessing his surroundings; his short-cropped, dark hair frames a thin, surprisingly youthful face, its features lined by hardship and bitter experience rather than age. His lips are scarred in several places by a sharp edge, and a thin blade scar traces down one cheekbone.

Is the before or after version better?

Hold on is this for that CIJ masquerade thing. DID THOSE ASSHOLES GIVE FINCHY A FAKE CANCELLATION? 

I like "Swift economy" almost as much as I like temporary changes to descriptions that reflect a current piece of clothing or recent incident. I prefer after. 

Ilira

Does a dainty build explicitly denote a small stature? I'd assume a character to be pretty short if that were in their description, but I have received varied feedback thus far.

Jiraishin

Ilira said:

Does a dainty build explicitly denote a small stature? I'd assume a character to be pretty short if that were in their description, but I have received varied feedback thus far.

Not necessarily, but most people would assume so. They could just be fine-boned and of average height, but most people would visualize them as small.

Myrle

Hello!

Is this okay for description?

She is a lizard-like xoran. Slim, delicate, her frame is more height than breadth or depth. Scaly from crown to pads, the stretched hexagons are swampy green and matte in texture. The distinct seams between each scale are black, polished, and are more visually striking between smaller joints like knuckles, jaw, and toes. This contrasting darkness matches her piercing eyes. Reaching farther than her limbs, her long tail seems to be one of the few truly trained portions of her structure. Whip-like if startled, or swaying just above the ground idle, the limb acts as another form of expression.

Thank you!

Stefana

I know I may be opening myself up to some very anti-Cyrene and/or anti-Siren commentary here, but maybe in amid that I can get some honest (gentle?) feedback. I recently updated Stefana’s description figuring that the bouncy-bubbly verbage was a little out of place with everything she and all of Cyrene have gone through lately, so here it is!

She is a beautiful siren of slender build and masterful posture, with tenuous yet wiry limbs that move fluidly and belie her middling stature. She carries herself with a graceful discipline, but the animation that once livened her step has been eroded by the stress evident in her rigid bearing. A flaxen mane cascades bountifully to her rib cage in soft curls streaked by the sun and tousled by salty winds, the feathered tendrils that frame her heart-shaped face aglow with notes of gold and honey. The vivid turquoise of her wide, expressive eyes is eclipsed at times by a dusky veil of lashes cast frequently downward, lids heavy with fatigue. Her once-ivory skin is burnished by a warm bronze that betrays time spent on the sun-scorched seas, though its youthful radiance eludes the mars and creases typically wrought by exposure. The corners of her full lips seem tugged perpetually upward into an increasingly reluctant smile, revealing pearl-white teeth in perfect alignment and opposing the severity of her wearied gaze. Serene azure warpaint is artfully brushed over her cheek to form the image of a proud dragon.

I am pretty happy with how I describe most of her features if I go through sentence-by-sentence, but my concern is it may be a little choppy? I dunno, what do the description police think?

Jiraishin

Gimme some time to have my morning caffeine and I'll get back to you. It's really not a bad description though, just a couple words I'd tweak. 

Jiraishin

Stefana said:

She is a beautiful siren of slender build and masterful posture, with tenuous yet wiry limbs that move fluidly and belie her middling stature. She carries herself with a graceful discipline, but the animation that once livened her step has been eroded by the stress evident in her rigid bearing. A flaxen mane cascades bountifully to her rib cage in soft curls streaked by the sun and tousled by salty winds, the feathered tendrils that frame her heart-shaped face aglow with notes of gold and honey. The vivid turquoise of her wide, expressive eyes is eclipsed at times by a dusky veil of lashes cast frequently downward, lids heavy with fatigue. Her once-ivory skin is burnished by a warm bronze that betrays time spent on the sun-scorched seas, though its youthful radiance eludes the mars and creases typically wrought by exposure. The corners of her full lips seem tugged perpetually upward into an increasingly reluctant smile, revealing pearl-white teeth in perfect alignment and opposing the severity of her wearied gaze. Serene azure warpaint is artfully brushed over her cheek to form the image of a proud dragon.

"tenuous yet wiry limbs that move fluidly and belie her middling stature"-- Tenuous is a weird word to use in this context, stick with wiry. Saying that they 'move fluidly' makes me think that she's swimming all the time, but that's more of a style nitpick. Also, nothing about that description of her limbs has anything that would belie a middling stature.

2. "The vivid turquoise of her wide, expressive eyes is eclipsed at times by a dusky veil of lashes cast frequently downward, lids heavy with fatigue" Restructure this so it doesn't read like the lashes have lids.

3. "Her once-ivory skin is burnished by a warm bronze that betrays time spent on the sun-scorched seas, though its youthful radiance eludes the mars and creases typically wrought by exposure." 'Eludes' is the wrong word here. I'd actually suggest tightening that to "though it lacks the mars and creases typical of exposure" and cutting out the whole youthful radiance bit.

4. "The corners of her full lips seem tugged perpetually upward into an increasingly reluctant smile, revealing pearl-white teeth in perfect alignment and opposing the severity of her wearied gaze" I really kind of doubt she's wearing a -permanent- smile. That's kind of creepy if so.

Stefana

Thanks @Jiraishin for all the input! The parts you picked out are for the most part ones I was unsure about already (except I like the word elude but I will defer to you and tighten it up hehe).

About the stature-belying limbs I was trying to get at them being long without actually adding “long” because I had so many words in that sentence already, but if I am nixing tenuous maybe I will swap it out for long so it makes more sense?

And I know she is not smiling 100% of the time lol, but she tries to a lot so I figured when people are LOOKing at her there is a good chance they’d see her smile so I should describe it? How would you suggest I handle that? I thought using “seem” was a passable way around it but clearly it’s still seeming like a creepy Chuckie doll-esque permasmile, so I need a better solution

Stefana

Okay here is what I have now. Better?

She is a beautiful siren of slender build and masterful posture, with long, wiry limbs that belie her middling stature. She carries herself with a graceful discipline, but the animation that once livened her step has been eroded by the stress evident in her rigid bearing. A flaxen mane cascades bountifully to her rib cage in soft curls streaked by the sun and tousled by salty winds, the feathered tendrils that frame her heart-shaped face aglow with notes of gold and honey. Heavy lids bear down with fatigue on her wide, expressive eyes, vivid turquoise irises eclipsed at times by a dusky veil of lashes cast frequently downward. Her once-ivory skin is burnished by a warm bronze that betrays time spent on the sun-scorched seas, though it lacks the mars and creases typically wrought by exposure. The corners of her full lips are often tugged upward into a smile that seems reluctant under scrutiny, revealing pearl-white teeth in perfect alignment and opposing the severity of her wearied gaze. Serene azure warpaint is artfully brushed over her cheek to form the image of a proud dragon.

Antonius

"She carries herself with a graceful discipline, but the animation that once livened her step has been eroded by the stress evident in her rigid bearing."

I am almost certainly guilty of doing the same thing in descriptions I've written (possibly even in my current desc!), but I don't see how somebody who has never met your character before would be able to tell what they used to be like from looking at them.

Stefana

You are totally right @Antonius, I figure I can get away with the once-ivory skin because you can usually tell if someone’s skintone is naturally dark or if it’s a tan, but with that line I noticed it didn’t really make sense but kind of just went, “well... whatever it’s fine” In her pre-blackwave desc I had something about her animation and joviality tempering the rigidity of her bearing, so I wanted to change it to reflect the hardship wearing her down. But you are right that if someone is seeing her for the first time, they won’t know how she used to be, so I’ll have to brainstorm a better way of phrasing it that doesn’t assume the onlooker’s prior knowledge of her demeanour. Thank you for bringing that up!

Stefana

Okay, here we go again:

She is a beautiful siren of slender build and masterful posture, with long, wiry limbs that belie her middling stature. She carries herself with a graceful discipline, but the stress evident in her rigid bearing erodes the fluidity of her movements, her elegant gait restrained by stiffness in her shoulders and hips. A flaxen mane cascades bountifully to her rib cage in soft curls streaked by the sun and tousled by salty winds, the feathered tendrils that frame her heart-shaped face aglow with notes of gold and honey. Heavy lids bear down with fatigue on her wide, expressive eyes, vivid turquoise irises eclipsed at times by a dusky veil of lashes cast frequently downward. Her once-ivory skin is burnished by a warm bronze that betrays time spent on the sun-scorched seas, though it lacks the mars and creases typically wrought by exposure. The corners of her full lips are often tugged upward into a smile that seems reluctant under scrutiny, revealing pearl-white teeth in perfect alignment and opposing the severity of her wearied gaze. Serene azure warpaint is artfully brushed over her cheek to form the image of a proud dragon.

I put "fluid" back in there as a little treat for @Jiraishin :P I mean air is technically a fluid too, not just water, but if it makes people think of swimming that is okay! Moving underwater is all graceful and flowy which is how I picture Stefana's movements under normal circumstances, so there is definitely worse imagery than swimming I could be evoking.

Aegoth

Stefana being fluid makes sense anyway, since holocaust liquifies people. Five stars

Kresslack

I try to update my description as large amounts of time pass to reflect gradual aging and things that have happened. Even though adventurers in Achaea tend to age gracefully, I like there being indications of the life lived.

Here is what I currently have, tweaked from what it has been for a while. If there are any thoughts as to something that could be changed to make it better or more memorable, please let me know. I'm not great with the rules of writing, so I'm sure there might be some things I overlooked or don't see grammatically that would appreciate being able to correct as well. This is always the description my forum avatar was commission on a long time ago (which I'm still trying to dig through and find the original).

He is a mhun standing around six feet and two inches, burly and barrel-chested with a scowl as he chews languidly on the stump of a cigar. Coarse, sun-faded hair falls past his shoulders, bearing only streaks of it's former black. Hazel eyes of subtly shifting greys and greens peer out from under a furrowed brow, narrowed to a hawkish visage. Draping down to his chest is a long, thick beard of grey and black decorated sparsely with small plaits and painted wooden beads. Sun burnished skin, tough as leather, is adorned with a skein of faded tattoos of nautical symbols and scenes, broken intermittently by the occasional scar. The passing years of a life spent at sea have left their tell-tale signs in the wrinkles that have set into the skin, the predominantly grey hair, and the development of a firm pot belly. Despite this there remains a glint of something mysterious in his eyes and his frame appears to retain a youthful vigour. On the inside of his right forearm can be seen the blanche brand of a crude escarbuncle within a border of thorns, starkly contrasted against his tanned skin, while further the letter 'P' has been tattooed on his wrist in black ink.

Stefana

@Kresslack I really like it! Love all the seafarer descriptions in Cyrene!

 Coarse, sun-faded hair falls past his shoulders, bearing only streaks of it's former black.

Should be "bearing only streaks of its former black". Really common mistake. Makes my eye twitch every time.

Sun burnished skin, tough as leather, is adorned with a skein of faded tattoos of nautical symbols and scenes, broken intermittently by the occasional scar.

I would make this less passive by starting with "A skein of faded tattoos of nautical symbols and scenes adorn" and then rearrange the rest to make it fit.

Despite this there remains a glint of something mysterious in his eyes and his frame appears to retain a youthful vigour. 

Needs a comma after "Despite this,"

On the inside of his right forearm can be seen the blanche brand of a crude escarbuncle within a border of thorns, starkly contrasted against his tanned skin, while further the letter 'P' has been tattooed on his wrist in black ink.

I think this phrasing is a little rambly and I would suggest at a minimum you replace "while further" with "beneath which", and consider restructuring the sentence or separating it into two: one about the scar and one about the tattoo.

Kresslack

Thank you @Stefana!  I'll spend some time working on those changes with those recommendations.

Tasus

He is a stout dwarf and stands with an obdurate stance, his body barrel chested and muscled despite

his short stature.  Emerald eyes stare out from beneath a heavy brow that are hidden beneath bangs 

the colour of raging fire. A strong, square jaw is covered  by a beard that matches his hair.  His 

eyebrows stand out from his face, freshly waxed to maintain their glorious stature, drawing 

attention to his eyes.  His arms are covered in hashmark scars all the  way from shoulder to wrist, 

with twin serpents tattooed down them. Large, calloused hands end with nails that seem to constantly 

have a thin layer of dirt beneath them. His legs, while short, boast a heavy musculature, and his 

feet lend you to believe that he will have trouble finding boots with their large size. Standing in 

stark contrast to the otherwise unmarred flesh on his neck, a seven spoked escarbuncle has been 

branded on the left side, just below his beard.

Zyxis

I haven't played a MUD in years and decided to dip my toe into Achaea.  As such, I've not dealt with any sort of descriptions in just as long. Its one thing to describe yourself for a Tabletop session but I want something nice for a game that is based on text obviously.  So I guess any input would be helpful.

He is a human. He stands an unremarkable 5 feet 9 inches tall. His slightly tanned olive complexion is only further highlighted by the medium length black hair that frames his squarish face. His wide-set green eyes seem to emphasize his hawkish nose and and thin lips. His wiry build would never be confused for muscular but it does exemplify the effects of years of simple farm work. Those same years of work are evident in his callused hands that are covered in various incidental scars that come from working with your hands.

 

Borre

I woke this character up, switched him to Tash'la. Here's my desc.

He is a crystalline tash'la of medium stature. Both of his ears are notched and

cauliflowered, and sit close to the dark red ochre coloured braids of his crystalline 

hair. Borre's face is blocky and rough hewn in appearance, with a broad jaw and sunken 

cheekbones. Dark, porcine eyes sit under a low brow, with two stained tusks jutting 

outward from his mouth. He is broad shouldered, with a thick torso set upon muscular legs. 

Where he is not covered in short, dark bristling fur dormium mottles his body in a 

matching ochre to his 'hair'. An escarbuncle is branded into his right arm, proclaiming 

his allegience. 

Saonji

It's a good thing you're already Mhaldorian. Now you just need to switch to Infernal.

Borre

Saonji said:

It's a good thing you're already Mhaldorian. Now you just need to switch to Infernal.

But...runes...

Saonji

You're clearly proficient with Necromancy.

Meriet

...That was the best pun I've ever seen.

Exivus

Here is mine, pretty much unchanged since I started. Would love some thoughts on it!


He is a frog-like grook. He stands at a medium height, with a skinny build that lacks any defined

musculature. His face is oval shaped, with two jewel like orbs that serves as his eyes. He has a flat 

nose, with two slits that expand or contract regularly as he breaths. His skin tone is a pale mottled 

green, with striations of blue veins just barely visible underneath it. His fingers are abnormally long, 

not dissimilar to floppy vines with no fingernails at the end. A smell crest of bumps begin from the top 

of his scalp and continues presumably all the way down his spine.

Meriet

It's a little too similar line to line. I'd try and shift a few of the lines a bit, so not all of them begin with "his x is y". And also try and add more 'action' to the lines, without making them too weird/un'human' - for instance, "His fingers are abnormally long, not dissimilar to floppy vines with no fingernails at the end" could become "Abnormally long fingers wriggle like vines from his slimy palms, each disgusting appendage ending without a fingernail."

Exivus

That's pretty good! I'm going to use that if you don't mind.

Kzir

Can I please get feedback on my character's Tash'la description? I only really have HELP TASH'LA to go off of. I wanted to him to have a mohawk like me, and horns that I enjoyed as a Satyr.  The description feels incomplete and amateurish. 

His skin is a deep rich red with patches of yellow freckles covering the top of his nose and cheeks. His wide eyes have blue irises with flecks of green. Long platinum white crystalline growths in the form of a crude mohawk run the length of his head. His thin lips hide clean teeth. Two crystalline horns of approximately 5 inches in length protrude from just after his upper brow.

Vhaynna

Kzir said:

Can I please get feedback on my character's Tash'la description? I only really have HELP TASH'LA to go off of. I wanted to him to have a mohawk like me, and horns that I enjoyed as a Satyr.  The description feels incomplete and amateurish. 

His skin is a deep rich red with patches of yellow freckles covering the top of his nose and cheeks. His wide eyes have blue irises with flecks of green. Long platinum white crystalline growths in the form of a crude mohawk run the length of his head. His thin lips hide clean teeth. Two crystalline horns of approximately 5 inches in length protrude from just after his upper brow.

You've forgotten to describe the rest of your body! Is Kzir a floating head? (That would be cool)

Kzir

Vhaynna said:

Kzir said:

Can I please get feedback on my character's Tash'la description? I only really have HELP TASH'LA to go off of. I wanted to him to have a mohawk like me, and horns that I enjoyed as a Satyr.  The description feels incomplete and amateurish. 

His skin is a deep rich red with patches of yellow freckles covering the top of his nose and cheeks. His wide eyes have blue irises with flecks of green. Long platinum white crystalline growths in the form of a crude mohawk run the length of his head. His thin lips hide clean teeth. Two crystalline horns of approximately 5 inches in length protrude from just after his upper brow.

You've forgotten to describe the rest of your body! Is Kzir a floating head? (That would be cool)

I may have a big head but not all-encompassing, heh. Thanks, silly that I forgot that!

Cessilie

"Her pale skin is nearly the color of fresh milk, and her eyes are a bright green, with a natural black beauty mark resting beneath her right eye. Her heart-shaped face has high cheekbones, full lips, and a shapely nose, with hair that falls past her shoulders in jet black waves. Noticeably tallish, her delicate bone structure emphasizes the natural length and slenderness of her frame, despite an amply apparent softness. Otherwise graceful movement is accompanied by jiggling with any provocation, her hips, love handles, and potbelly all moving with their own swagger. With her substantial bust and gut hanging out prominently in front of the rest of her, she looks as though her pampered body has gotten as plump as it can handle. Her clothes are filled to bursting wherever her skin is not exposed outright."