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Descriptions Wanted 1.0

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  • JiraishinJiraishin skulkingMember Posts: 2,202 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    I try not to visit Cyrene.
    ________________________
    The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."

    (Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
    IliraTorinn
  • SkyeSkye The Duchess BellatereMember, Seafaring Liason Posts: 3,170 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Closing your eyes to the fact doesn't make it disappear!
    /summoned by the tag


  • JiraishinJiraishin skulkingMember Posts: 2,202 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Well, it's still true that almond-shaped eyes and waist-length hair are both less overused and less objectionable --even if the latter is extremely common in one city-- than the ubiquitous lush lips, perky breasts, and stygian anything.

    And hey. If half the women in Cyrene have waist-length hair, maybe it -is- cultural. 
    ________________________
    The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."

    (Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
  • AmunetAmunet Spokane, Washington, USAMember Posts: 753 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    I have seen so many perky breasts since coming back that I am starting to wonder if Buul now performs boob jobs.
    My avatar is an image created by this very talented gentleman, of whose work I am extremely jealous. It was not originally a picture of Amunet, but it certainly looks a great deal like how I envision her!
    JiraishinIlira
  • UrokUrok Member Posts: 11
    He stands a hulking eight feet tall, His body is toned and muscular, His skin looks thick and almost leather-like with a dark grey coloured hue covering it. He has yellow-gold coloured eyes and has a pair of medium sized tusk like teeth protruding from his mouth. His hair is shaven clean off leaving a smooth scalp showing.

    -should flesh this out a bit more at some stage.
  • JiraishinJiraishin skulkingMember Posts: 2,202 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    "Coloured hue" is redundant. Cut to just 'hue'.
    ________________________
    The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."

    (Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
    Urok
  • KlendathuKlendathu Eye of the StormMember Posts: 3,178 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    You might also want to consider varying your sentence structure. The current description reads almost like a check-list, every sentence starts with either "his" or "he".

    Tharos, the Announcer of Delos shouts, "It's near the end of the egghunt and I still haven't figured out how to pronounce Clean-dat-hoo."
    Urok
  • AntoniusAntonius Member Posts: 5,028 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    You're also not a God, so His and He aren't appropriate if they're not at the start of a sentence. They should be lower-case, so his and he.
    Urok
  • MinifieMinifie Member Posts: 3,179 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Urok said:
    He stands a hulking eight feet tall, His body is toned and muscular, His skin looks thick and almost leather-like with a dark grey coloured hue covering it. He has yellow-gold coloured eyes and has a pair of medium sized tusk like teeth protruding from his mouth. His hair is shaven clean off leaving a smooth scalp showing.

    -should flesh this out a bit more at some stage.
    He stands at near eight feet in height, with a toned physique to match his racial stature. Akin to that of leather, his body is covered in durable dark grey skin, (lacking in any discernable blemishes)/(roughed and worn from [living conditions if any]). Meticulous grooming leaves no hair upon his face or scalp, excepting two thick tufts of hair above amber eyes, as well as a pair of pristine tusks protruding from his mouth. 

    A lot of this can be altered to what you fancy, but (only a personal rule) always avoid any words that force how the read should feel. “Impressive” tusks wouldn’t work, because I may think they are rather mediocre, tiny or even vile. I think I have to fix a few from my own descriptions too, mostly because I am pretty mediocre designer.



    Urok
  • UrokUrok Member Posts: 11
    Minifie said:
    Urok said:
    He stands a hulking eight feet tall, His body is toned and muscular, His skin looks thick and almost leather-like with a dark grey coloured hue covering it. He has yellow-gold coloured eyes and has a pair of medium sized tusk like teeth protruding from his mouth. His hair is shaven clean off leaving a smooth scalp showing.

    -should flesh this out a bit more at some stage.
    He stands at near eight feet in height, with a toned physique to match his racial stature. Akin to that of leather, his body is covered in durable dark grey skin, (lacking in any discernable blemishes)/(roughed and worn from [living conditions if any]). Meticulous grooming leaves no hair upon his face or scalp, excepting two thick tufts of hair above amber eyes, as well as a pair of pristine tusks protruding from his mouth. 

    A lot of this can be altered to what you fancy, but (only a personal rule) always avoid any words that force how the read should feel. “Impressive” tusks wouldn’t work, because I may think they are rather mediocre, tiny or even vile. I think I have to fix a few from my own descriptions too, mostly because I am pretty mediocre designer.



    Thanks for this, it helps a lot.
    MinifieAstarod
  • DupreDupre M.Member Posts: 288 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    Minifie said:
    always avoid any words that force how the read should feel. “Impressive” tusks wouldn’t work, because I may think they are rather mediocre, tiny or even vile.

    This is a contradictory as any adjective can be argued down to personal opinion

    "Impressive tusks" is fine
    "You are impressed by his tusks"is not
    JiraishinIlira
  • MinifieMinifie Member Posts: 3,179 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Dupre said:
    Minifie said:
    always avoid any words that force how the read should feel. “Impressive” tusks wouldn’t work, because I may think they are rather mediocre, tiny or even vile.

    This is a contradictory as any adjective can be argued down to personal opinion

    "Impressive tusks" is fine
    "You are impressed by his tusks"is not
    Impressive: evoking admiration through size, quality, or skill; grand, imposing, or awesome

    To have impressive tusks means they leave an impression on you, to describe them as such means that anyone who sees them is impressed by them. Calling your own tusks “impressive” doesn’t describe them, it describes how they are seen by others. Sizeable, large, strong... Using adjectives that require the reader to act or forces emotion on them in a certain way is lazy descriptive writing IMO.
    Siduri
  • DupreDupre M.Member Posts: 288 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    edited January 2019
    By default any adjective in your description is forcing an opinion on others, since it's how they see you not how you see yourself. Such is unavoidable

    Whether an 'alluring' and 'seductive' siren. Or 'luscious' curls. Or 'beautiful' skin.

    Or even a 'white and gold' (or 'black and blue', even colours can be opined) dress.

    Nothing in a description is objective
  • KraetosKraetos Member Posts: 30
    Is it just me or is every female a siren? I'm not complaining, I love the idea of Kraetos sitting on a bench surrounded by sirens. But it's rare to see a female troll or a dwarf. I only say this cause I saw one today, and had a nice long chat with her. While surrounded by sirens, of course.
  • JiraishinJiraishin skulkingMember Posts: 2,202 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    edited January 2019
    Kraetos said:
    Is it just me or is every female a siren? I'm not complaining, I love the idea of Kraetos sitting on a bench surrounded by sirens. But it's rare to see a female troll or a dwarf. I only say this cause I saw one today, and had a nice long chat with her. While surrounded by sirens, of course.
    It's just you.
    Though I dunno, maybe it also varies by city. Targossas has a ton of xorans and atavians compared to what I remember elsewhere, for instance. To give you an idea, the female characters I regularly interact with are:

    Farrah - xoran
    Lii - tsol'aa (was dwarf till like... a week ago)
    Aeryea - atavian
    Alasiel - atavian
    Ygia - atavian
    Avianca - tsol'aa
    Iloisee - mhun
    Gralnys - human
    Nakhra - siren

    You get the idea.
    ________________________
    The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."

    (Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
  • PyoriPyori Member Posts: 2,124 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Pyori and Elisella are both xoran (formerly human). Amunet's a human (I think?), as is Keorin. Shirszae's an atavian. Jemisha's a troll... To be honest, lately I've seen a lot more non-sirens than sirens. Not just in Ashtan... Though it doesn't stop them having the figure of a siren >.>

    UrokSkyeVenmaraShirszae
  • AmunetAmunet Spokane, Washington, USAMember Posts: 753 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    edited January 2019
    Pyori said:
    Pyori and Elisella are both xoran (formerly human). Amunet's a human (I think?), as is Keorin. Shirszae's an atavian. Jemisha's a troll... To be honest, lately I've seen a lot more non-sirens than sirens. Not just in Ashtan... Though it doesn't stop them having the figure of a siren >.>
    Amu is definitely a human...and a bit racist about it, especially in regard to its superiority in the study of ritual Occultism. Get her on the subject, sometime. You'll be in for a hell of a rant, haha. 

    As for Amu's figure, I have left it mostly ambiguous. She is surprisingly short - I RP her as hovering at or just above five feet, though an exact measurement is never explicitly given. It would be difficult to estimate, given her perfect posture and penchant for heeled shoes. Beyond that, I leave the interpretation of her body up to other people. One person's slim is another person's fat, after all, and I got tired of trying to figure out a way to describe a feminine figure that didn't come off like an unusually classy sexalt. Most people seem to find her attractive (though, that could be the personality, or the power, or some combination of both), but one of Ashtan's resident NPCs calls her "chunky", so it really is a matter of opinion!

    I'm currently at work, so I can't log in to copy her description, but I'll post it later.
    My avatar is an image created by this very talented gentleman, of whose work I am extremely jealous. It was not originally a picture of Amunet, but it certainly looks a great deal like how I envision her!
  • TahquilTahquil Member Posts: 4,498 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    edited January 2019
    You know, through the interactions we had I never pictured Tahquil towering over Amunet in any scenario.

    In regards to sirens, it depends heavily on where you hang out.
    Jiraishin
  • JiraishinJiraishin skulkingMember Posts: 2,202 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Attractiveness in Achaea seems to have little or nothing to do with physical appearance/description. Jir gets girls crushing on him and he's literally invisible.
    ________________________
    The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."

    (Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
  • FinchyFinchy Member Posts: 142 ✭✭✭✭ - Eminent
    edited January 2019
    My description draft said:
    He is a human. A well-weathered and exceptionally pickled example of his race, this man is crooked and bent at rough angles. With bowed legs splayed in an awkward fashion he moves like a puppet manipulated by a drunk admist a fit of catalepsy. Stooped, his neck juts forward and down to bring his body teetering forwards. Crazed ploughmen have been at work upon his countenance, producing a face not so much as mired with wrinkles, scars and a simple eye-patch as constructed, fortified and then preserved in deep furrows and cracked laughter lines. His hair, a mop of salt and-peppered brown is unkempt and slick with grease. 


    Two minute write-up of a basic concept of trying to describe someone who looks like they permanently live inside a grimy pub. If anyone can find a great and appropriate way of conveying it without breaking pretty much all of the writing guides I am your receptive vessel for critique. 

    Tahquil said:

    In regards to sirens, it depends heavily on where you hang out.
    Generally its around the chest but I'm not an expert.

    Siduri
  • AmunetAmunet Spokane, Washington, USAMember Posts: 753 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Tahquil said:
    You know, through the interactions we had I never pictured Tahquil towering over Amunet in any scenario.

    In regards to sirens, it depends heavily on where you hang out.
    Have you seen the infamous heels? They bump her up to at least average height, haha. If I remember correctly, Tahquil also has (or had) a bit of a slouch.

    The thing about Amu is, she has a grandiose, larger-than-life sort of attitude, so, unless you are particularly observant, or have seen her in certain situations (barefoot at home, trying to reach something on a shelf [this almost ruined an Occultist experiment, at one point]), you probably aren't going to notice. Given how much Amu couldn't stand Tahquil while Tahquil was engaged to Mathonwy, Amu would have hardly shown any weakness - physical, or otherwise - in her presence. If anything, she would have kept sipping levitation, out of spite. ;)
    My avatar is an image created by this very talented gentleman, of whose work I am extremely jealous. It was not originally a picture of Amunet, but it certainly looks a great deal like how I envision her!
  • PyoriPyori Member Posts: 2,124 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Amunet said:
    Pyori said:
    Pyori and Elisella are both xoran (formerly human). Amunet's a human (I think?), as is Keorin. Shirszae's an atavian. Jemisha's a troll... To be honest, lately I've seen a lot more non-sirens than sirens. Not just in Ashtan... Though it doesn't stop them having the figure of a siren >.>
    Amu is definitely a human...
    Don't ask why, for some reason I couldn't remember if it was human or tsol'aa... Really don't know why I thought the latter. I generally give a rough height, never exact, because IRL you can pretty easily guess someone's height just by looking at them. Often times you end up being like 2-3 inches off.
    ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


  • ArmaliArmali Member, Secret Squirrel Posts: 1,370 ✭✭✭✭✭ - Grand Achaean
    @Jiraishin
    What's general policy on using parenthesis in this sort of writing?

    For example:

    He had red hair, parted to the left, that was long and curly.
    vs.
    He had red hair (parted to the left) that was long and curly.
  • DupreDupre M.Member Posts: 288 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    edited February 2019
    You absolutely do not use parentheses for adding a minor, closely related details. Parentheses are meant to break up the flow of a sentence and draw attention to an aside, comment, or explanation that isn't directly related to the content of that sentence

    He had red hair, parted to the left, that was long and curly.
    He had red hair (Sartan dyed it with the blood of His enemies) that was long and curly.
    He had red hair (does it smell like blood to you?) that was long and curly.

    IMO there are few instances where a description can use parentheses without sounding douchey or dumb
  • JiraishinJiraishin skulkingMember Posts: 2,202 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Armali said:
    @Jiraishin
    What's general policy on using parenthesis in this sort of writing?

    For example:

    He had red hair, parted to the left, that was long and curly.
    vs.
    He had red hair (parted to the left) that was long and curly.
    Don't use them.
    ________________________
    The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."

    (Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
  • CaelanCaelan Member Posts: 2,408 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    edited February 2019
    Dupre said:
    You absolutely do not use parentheses for adding a minor, closely related details. Parentheses are meant to break up (the flow of) a sentence and draw attention (to an aside), ((comment), or explanation) that isn't directly related to the content (of that sentence)
    Use them liberally is the only rule.  Go big or go home.

  • VenmaraVenmara Member Posts: 20 ✭✭ - Stalwart
    Pyori said:
    Pyori and Elisella are both xoran (formerly human). Amunet's a human (I think?), as is Keorin. Shirszae's an atavian. Jemisha's a troll... To be honest, lately I've seen a lot more non-sirens than sirens. Not just in Ashtan... Though it doesn't stop them having the figure of a siren >.>
    Keorin's an atavian too, I think it just does not get mentioned much... And I have a sneaky feeling I'm the Troll Kraetos spoke to.
    I have noticed there being not a great deal of Trolls, female or otherwise (I can name Jemisha and Morn for certain, but nobody beyond)

    But I agree with the point, it's just him. Especially given the number of Rajamalan and Atavian I see in Cyrene.
    UrokShirszae
  • KlendathuKlendathu Eye of the StormMember Posts: 3,178 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    ... is a siren and has ( . )( . ) ? @Caelan

    Tharos, the Announcer of Delos shouts, "It's near the end of the egghunt and I still haven't figured out how to pronounce Clean-dat-hoo."
    CaelanVender
  • FinchyFinchy Member Posts: 142 ✭✭✭✭ - Eminent
    edited February 2019
    Venmara said:

    But I agree with the point, it's just him. Especially given the number of Rajamalan and Atavian I see in Cyrene.
    Hey I was Atavian entirely for land-tax evasion purposes, then I fell for the Humanity meme because I didn't think wings and rigging was a good combo. 
    EDIT: Seriously I hate walking in the wilderness now. 

  • JiraishinJiraishin skulkingMember Posts: 2,202 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Jir before the masked ball:

    He is a mhun of average height. Lean of frame, he moves with swift economy, his manner guarded and his grey eyes constantly assessing his surroundings. Short-cropped dark hair frames a thin, bronze-skinned face: his features, though surprisingly youthful, are lined by hardship and bitter experience. His lips are scarred in several places by a sharp edge, and a thin blade scar traces down one cheekbone.


    Jir during the masked ball:

    He is a mhun of average height, with bronze skin and short-cropped dark hair. Lean of frame, he moves with swift economy, his manner guarded and his grey eyes constantly assessing his surroundings from behind the impassive countenance of an eerily mirrored mask.

    Jir after the masked ball:

    He is a mhun of average height, bronze-skinned and lean. He moves with swift economy, his manner guarded and his grey eyes constantly assessing his surroundings; his short-cropped, dark hair frames a thin, surprisingly youthful face, its features lined by hardship and bitter experience rather than age. His lips are scarred in several places by a sharp edge, and a thin blade scar traces down one cheekbone.
    Is the before or after version better?
    ________________________
    The soul of Ashmond says, "Always with the sniping."

    (Clan): Ictinus says, "Stop it Jiraishin, you're making me like you."
    Finchy
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