Descriptions Wanted 1.0

Alcaro

@Sybilla, @Trevixe -- thank you both for your feedback :] even though i'm laying in bed right now with a little voice inside my head screaming: "defend the fluff! defend the fluff!" but there isn't really anything to defend tbh. i think that the fluff came from my suppressed craving to rp alcaro so badly, lol. anyway it's late and i need to be sleeping, but i want to thank you two [@trevize, @sybilla] again for your invaluable feedback

Isaeah

He is a human. He stands just under two meters in height. While lean in form, his musculature his 

easily defined in his arms and torso, chiseled lines visible upon his torso and narrow hips. Tawny 

flesh encases his body, numerous scars, some better healed than others, breaking the otherwise 

smooth expanse of his skin. His hands are adorned with long fingers, each of them calloused over 

from use and work. An angular face is perched upon his neck, a broad jaw narrowing down to a defined 

chin. Below his aquiline nose rests a full mouth, dimples indenting his cheeks with every expression.

 Evenly spaced below his heavy brow are two large grey eyes, crystalline and nearly colourless. His 

head is decorated with thick, unruly auburn hair, crimson hightlighting the predominantly chocolate 

color. Fiery ringlets frame his features and dance across his forehead, the rest of his tresses tied 

back with dark leather cord. A long, jagged scar drags its way from his left brow, down across the 

bridge of his nose before continuing upon his cheekbone, the skin healed a soft pink amongst his 

dark flesh.

Myna

I prefer having descriptions that balance brevity while still giving you a sense of appearance/presence. My attempt still doesn't read that well to me. 

She is a human, pixie-built and spangled with constellations of freckles. Her hazelnut skin has been 

bronzed by the sun, suffused with warmth as though she has soaked in it. Tawny blonde hair is plaited in 

an intricate herring pattern, threaded through with dried flowers and small silver bells. A few lazy 

curls hang loose. Rum-dark eyes make the pupil nearly indistinguishable, owlish. Her broad, finely-sloped 

cheeks lead into a pointed chin. Though diminutive in frame and figure, every inch of her has been carved 

by the wilds she's spent her life in.

Aerek

That's good advice, but to to go against the grain, I think when you're dealing with certain general tropes, you can get away with it. I feel fine about using things like "posture born of military service", referencing "a cultured, Cyrenian upbringing", or "conditioned by a life in the wild" simply because it says a lot in a few words. Technically, it's possible someone might not know what military discipline looks like, or know the marks of Cyrenian culture, but it would take many more words and be much more difficult to describe those quirks and nuances succinctly.

Just like if you described a family as "thoroughly Italian", we'd have an immediate mental image of looks and mannerisms without much further explanation, I think referring to easily-identifiable stereotypes via that kind of minor fourth-wall infraction is both efficient and forgivable. (Or it may just be because so many people have nearly identical descriptions of sun-kissed skin, muscled frames, battle scars, etc, that I appreciate a cut to the chase.)

Edit: for the actual desc in question, I think it's mostly just the fragmented sentences bothering you. Moving a few things around and nixxing some superfluous clauses might help streamline it.

She is a human, pixie-built and spangled with constellations of freckles across her sun-tanned skin. A few lazy curls of her tawny blonde hair hang loose, while the rest is plaited in an intricate herring pattern, threaded through with dried flowers and small silver bells. Rum-dark eyes, broad cheeks, and a pointed chin define her sharp features. Though diminutive in stature, her frame and bearing have been carved by a life in the wild.

Jhaeli

Alcaro said:

Sybilla, Trevixe -- thank you both for your feedback :] even though i'm laying in bed right now with a little voice inside my head screaming: "defend the fluff! defend the fluff!" but there isn't really anything to defend tbh. i think that the fluff came from my suppressed craving to rp alcaro so badly, lol. anyway it's late and i need to be sleeping, but i want to thank you two again for your invaluable feedback

This was a hard lesson for me to swallow as a writer at first, but it really makes a significant difference when you go back and slice your writing to pieces. Adverbs and colloquialisms are not your friend and you should only add as many as you need to to be precise, lest they take over your writing for their fluffy selves. What I found helped was when I learned to add a tiny bit of colour back into the writing in small, precise amounts that didn't detract from the writing as a whole. (I know this was from earlier in October, but I wanted to comment regardless! I got some great takeaways from Sybilla's advice there too.)

Here's the latest incarnation of my description: 

She is a graceful tsol'aa with smooth, pale skin tanned lightly by the sun. A tall, svelte woman, her straight posture and precise movements denote a dignified, militaristic demeanour, emphasized by the small white scars stained with faded ink on her long-fingered hands. Narrow, tapered eyes gleam like golden amber above a pert nose and a wide mouth, set upon an oval, angular face. Threads of silver weave their way through her silk-like auburn tresses, pulled into a tightly braided queue that falls to the small of her back. Revealed by a rolled cuff, the ugly red brand of the escarbuncle sits below the inside of her left wrist. The occasional slip reveals an Ashtani accent, all but forgotten.

Krypton

Jhaeli said:

The occasional slip reveals an Ashtani accent, all but forgotten.

Seems a strange inclusion on a physical description

Adet

Not if you take "occasional" to mean "for an occasion" - like an "occasional table", "slip" to mean a lady's undergarment, and "accent" as a highlight or flash of colour.  Thus:

"The posh petticoat shows a hint of Ashtani warpaint, apparently neglected for some months."

Homophones yay!

Tahquil

@Adet : While what you say is try it also relies on the present of a physical thing to do the slipping. In this case the closest thing is in the previous sentence. But somehow I don't think a branded escarbuncle is going to be moving/slipping in anyway that's going to lets us see glimpses underneath as it is branded in the skin.

Assuming @Jhaeli, you mean verbal accent, if you gave a perfect speech/lecture with no slips noone would be able to tell you had the accent. In the opposite line of though noone would be able to tell you occasionally slip into an Ashtani accent if they just glanced at you across the room as you all stood silently in a gathering.

I have a rule I think might be useful for people and I call it "Standing Ghost". As the horror cliche goes, someone turns the lights on in a previously empty room and suddenly your character is standing in the middle of it. What does that someone see? The don't know how you talk or if you are chirpy or always smiling or if you move with a stilted gait. They can see skin colour, facial features, posture, and they can deduce a few small things like a badge depicting you as a soldier of Eleusis etc.

It's not until you start observing the "Standing Ghost (your character)" act that you can pick up more details about gait/accent/disposition. So I personally would leave those things to be depicted for when I am RPing.

Trevize

It's probably earlier in this thread, but a description written partially by Ourania like 250 IG years ago (there was a mini-event involved) and updated by me to be a bit shorter while retaining the same features.

He is a lizard-like xoran arrayed in fine, diamond-shaped indigo scales that shift with each motion of his sinuous form. Well-muscled, lithe limbs move with effortless grace, while each wickedly-curved, ivory claw shimmers with a metallic aspect. Gem-like irises the colour of black star-sapphires glimmer opaquely within his wedge-shaped face, flickering like dancing silver flames. Jagged ridges of pale white bone emerge from above each of his well-defined temples before sweeping in two parallel lines over his smooth skull. Descending on either side of his spine to merge just above his narrow waist, the protrusions combine to form a single crest that extends to the tip of his oscillating tail.

Adet

Tahquil said:

@Adet : While what you say is try it also relies on the present of a physical thing to do the slipping. In this case the closest thing is in the previous sentence. But somehow I don't think a branded escarbuncle is going to be moving/slipping in anyway that's going to lets us see glimpses underneath as it is branded in the skin.

It was early-morning facetiousness, rather than a genuine suggestion - but the slip here is the "thing": there's no actual "slipping" involved.

Jhaeli

While I generally agree with using SET VOICE/ACCENT for voices and I think both of your arguments are not only valid, but probably the better way to go, I genuinely like having it in there and enjoy the few conversations and reactions its prompted. (For the record, I do already use VOICE to describe the sound of her voice.) Thanks for the feedback though, I'll keep it in mind!

Piera

I'm not particularly imaginative... any help/advice would be very welcome!

She is a human. She stands somewhat below the average height for her race, her body of slight build and pale skin. Her face is slender, unremarkable save for a pair of two strikingly verdant eyes. This, combined with her thin, pallid lips, contributes to an austere mien despite her youth - but not overly so.  Chestnut-coloured hair frames this woman's face with short bangs on both sides, the rest organized into a tidy bun atop her head. 

Novak

He is a human with golden-tanned skin who stands at a rather average height. His short dirty-blonde hair is disheveled yet flattering, the sides and back of his head cut lower than the top. The intelligent, usually wary eyes he  inherited are a dark, frigid aqua hue, mirroring that of the cold sea. Angular cheekbones appear prominent in his face, enhanced even further by a nearly perpetual, vaguely mocking smile that flash ivory teeth. His nose is small and straight, set above slightly thick, firm lips. Sharp, angular lines define his chin and jawline, his lack of facial hair showing off his bone structure even further. Broad shoulders gives his otherwise slim, lithe form a solid appearance as they lead into long arms reinforced with solid cords of muscle. His long legs are a bit thick with muscle, hinting at a rather active life.


Model-muse thing:  http://jirkavinse.com





I'm trying to change the above hunk from the solemn-serious-face to a more narcissistic-sarcastic-butthole-that's-slightly-hidden-crazy. Cuz RPz. And I can't seem to describe the hair right. And maybe add in a cool tattoo somewhere.

Krypton

His short dirty-blonde hair is disheveled yet flattering, its elaborate coiffe held in place by a gratuitous application of styling gel and hairspray.

Reiloch

Piera said:

I'm not particularly imaginative... any help/advice would be very welcome!

She is a human standing somewhat below the average height for her race. Of slight build and pale skin, her face is slender, unremarkable save for a pair of two strikingly verdant eyes. This, combined with her thin, pallid lips, contributes to a somewhat austere mien despite her youth.  Chestnut-coloured hair frames this woman's face with short bangs parted in the middle, and the rest organized into a tidy bun atop her head. 

Moved some stuff around to improve the flow. Subjective, but I think this reads a bit better.

Xyur

He is a tiger-like Rajamala who stands at an average six feet, his form both muscled and slim, covered in sleek, midnight fur. His muzzle is short and roughly rectangular, two large canines poking from his top jaw. Two intelligent, unnaturally calm bright orange eyes watch nearly everything with a slight degree of disdain. A pair of triangular ears twitch at every sound, while a mane much line a horse's grows from the top of his head and down his spine. His tail is nearly five feet in length, sweeping back and forth perpetually.

Looking for a better way to word this. I want the hair to be like a Mohawk, without using the word Mohawk ._. And his teeth to be kinda like a sabre toothed tiger's, without mentioning sabre toothed tigers. And the eyes could be way better, not good with the eyes. One of them could also be a smooth orb of some material, like steel or obsidian. Would be cool.

Edit: Also want something about claws, his being retractable and serrated on the underside. Was also thinking of making him BM, and put that his scabbard is strapped to his tail, allowing him to DS at a lot of angles. Personal flair. ALSO, going through way old posts, saw a BM have this kill emote-type-thing or something, where when he killed a mob or person, it would fire and it would look like him doing some super cool custom fancy move. What's that?

Edit 2: And any way to make multiple ones of those, and have one go randomly?

Borre

He is a horned satyr. Curling russet hair twines about the rams horns upon his head and is 

interspersed with copper highlights from time in the sun. Standing a bit over five and a half feet, 

Borre's build conveys a lanky boyishness not at all at odds with the patchy growth of beard along 

his unwashed face. He has light green eyes set beneath expressive brows and a small, slightly 

crooked nose. His legs are covered in a wooly coat of a darker brown hue and are covered in snags 

and burrs.

Any thoughts? Going to be changing it a bit over time to convey maturation.

Deladan

This is my current description. 

He is a Black Dragon, exuding an aura of ancient might, and wisdom. Large, spiked obsidian wings extend from a thorned and scaled back, showing an impressive wingspan of ten feet tip to tip. Sprouting from his hindquarters is a 

large sinuous tail, extending out to a sharp curved thorn. Four limber, and muscular limbs sprout from his underside, each ending in massive obsidian curved talons. Several rows of small horns protrude from both sides of his face, 

forming his massive jawline. Countless rows of sharp dagger-like teeth cover the entirety of his mouth. Savage obsidian eyes sit tightly within his thorny, broad skull. As the light gleams off his body, small scales of obsidian can be seen, covering the entire body of this beast.

Yes... I know it has errors. I've sent in typos about it and everything... even got one reply back telling me basically that the description was correct how it was... 

this is what I'd like it to be....

He is a Black Dragon, exuding an aura of ancient might and wisdom. Large spiked obsidian wings extend from a thorned and scaled back, showing an impressive wingspan of ten feet tip to tip. Sprouting from his hindquarters is a large sinuous tail, extending out to a sharp curved thorn. Four limber and muscular limbs sprout from his underside, each ending in massive obsidian curved talons. Several rows of small horns protrude from both sides of his face, forming his massive jawline. Countless rows of sharp dagger-like teeth cover the entirety of his mouth. Savage obsidian eyes sit tightly within his thorny, broad skull. As the light gleams off his body, small scales of obsidian can be seen covering the entire body of this beast.

But I r not gud @ grammar.

Open to any suggestions 

@Nicola?? I don't even know who to talk to to get this worked out anymore...

Sena

"Large, spiked", "large, sinuous", and "sharp, curved" commas are all correct, I'd keep them there. The ones that are definitely wrong and need to be removed are "might, and wisdom" and "limber, and muscular". The last comma ("seen, covering") is correct with or without it, but the comma subtly changes the meaning (the scales can be seen and are covering the body, or covering the body is something that the scales can be seen doing). Personally, I think it flows better with the comma there.

Caelix

This is a cool thread! Here's my description, I'll take any critique I can get. I'm not the best at this sort of stuff... Getting rid of the passive voice (which I heard is a no-no in Achaea) in an older version was painful, and I have no idea how well it turned out. I also took out a line referencing his wings, since those are going away soon anyway.

A little over five and a half feet in height, he possesses broad shoulders and a firm torso, his muscular arms and legs bearing the mark of dedicated training and strenuous activity. Sun-bronzed skin show his many hours spent outdoors, the warm golden-brown giving way to paler flesh when his clothes pull short. Cut short, his thick, sable hair lies in an unkempt tousle, evidence of his hand running through it regularly. Strong lines make up his clean-shaven face, the bare hint of dark stubble brushing his strong jaw, broad chin, and angular cheeks. Violet, almond-shaped eyes, fiery and framed with long, dark lashes, flank a slender, slightly upturned nose.

Deladan

He is a Black Dragon, exuding an aura of ancient might and wisdom. Large, spiked obsidian wings extend from a thorned and scaled back, showing an impressive wingspan of ten feet tip to tip. Sprouting from his hindquarters is a large, sinuous tail, extending out to a sharp, curved thorn. Four limber and muscular limbs sprout from his underside, each ending in massive obsidian curved talons. Several rows of small horns protrude from both sides of his face, forming his massive jawline. Countless rows of sharp dagger-like teeth cover the entirety of his mouth. Savage obsidian eyes sit tightly within his thorny, broad skull. As the light gleams off his body, small scales of obsidian can be seen, covering the entire body of this beast.


So this is betterer? @Sena

Sena

Looks right to me.

Niccolo

Because this seems interesting and I need a bit of help with mine --- 

He is a human, an acrobatically built man standing nearing an inch or so above six and a half feet. His olive-skinned complexion seems flush with a stern frigidity, a quiet intensity charging his expression. Almond shaped eyes framed by rather lavish sable lashes, hazel irises peering with an unknown vehemence against high cheekbones where they lie. His straight, aquiline nose is set regally centre-stage on his diamond-shaped face, accentuating the strong chin, chiseled jaw, and shapely, firm lips that round out his visage. Long, gleaming jet locks have been pulled back into a neat ponytail at the base of his skull utilizing a slip of black cloth. Niccolo's pristine posture assists to amplify his imperial aura, and his crisp, tactical movements portraying the callous state that is the windfall of his routine conduct.

I can't seem to describe his build as well as I could his facial features. I try to keep clear of slang, and use uhh.... Fancy synonyms in place of regular words.  Otherwise, I'm happy with how this came out.

Edit: If you're wondering why doesn't have much character past the 'cold, intense royalty' thing, I'm hoping to get more....... Flare and uniqueness through RP. He's essentially a blank canvas at the moment, ready for cult tattoos and piercings and all that good stuff. What I have now is just his personality given a face.

Sarathai

Deladan said:

So this is betterer?

I decided to fiddle with it a bit:

He is a Black Dragon and exudes an aura of ancient might and wisdom. Large, spiked obsidian wings extend from his thorny and scaled back, showing an impressive ten foot wingspan and accompanying the sinuous tail that extends out to a sharp, curved thorn. Four limber, muscular limbs sprout from his underside, ending in massive curved obsidian talons. Several rows of small horns protrude from both sides of his face, forming a massive jawline in concert with countless rows of sharp dagger-like teeth throughout his mouth. Savage obsidian eyes sit tightly within his broad skull, echoing the gleam of light off his body from the tiny obsidian scales covering the entirety of this beast.

Late and I'm tired, but yeah.

Averi

Caelix said:

This is a cool thread! Here's my description, I'll take any critique I can get. I'm not the best at this sort of stuff... Getting rid of the passive voice (which I heard is a no-no in Achaea) in an older version was painful, and I have no idea how well it turned out. I also took out a line referencing his wings, since those are going away soon anyway.

A little over five and a half feet in height, he possesses broad shoulders and a firm torso, his muscular arms and legs bearing the mark of dedicated training and strenuous activity. Sun-bronzed skin show his many hours spent outdoors, the warm golden-brown giving way to paler flesh when his clothes pull short. Cut short, his thick, sable hair lies in an unkempt tousle, evidence of his hand running through it regularly. Strong lines make up his clean-shaven face, the bare hint of dark stubble brushing his strong jaw, broad chin, and angular cheeks. Violet, almond-shaped eyes, fiery and framed with long, dark lashes, flank a slender, slightly upturned nose.

Caelix, so I'm just going to put here that a lot of the things I say are personal preferences.  I hate a lot of people's descriptions and a lot of people hate mine and have told me that.  But here is my advice anyway since you asked for help and I am procrastinating. 

"A little over five and a half feet in height, he possesses broad shoulders and a firm torso, his muscular arms and legs bearing the mark of dedicated training and strenuous activity."

Although a lot of people do this, I really am not a fan of this sentence.  It's kind of like a whole, he has two arms attached, one on each side, to a torso which is held up by two legs type of deal.  When I start reading a description, usually what I look for is for the first sentence to give me something about the aura of the character/something striking about the character and then the rest to further elaborate on other things.  

I'd actually just start here: Sun-bronzed skin show his many hours spent outdoors, the warm golden-brown giving way to paler flesh when his clothes pull short. Cut short, his thick, sable hair lies in an unkempt tousle, evidence of his hand running through it regularly. Strong lines make up his clean-shaven face, the bare hint of dark stubble brushing his strong jaw, broad chin, and angular cheeks. Violet, almond-shaped eyes, fiery and framed with long, dark lashes, flank a slender, slightly upturned nose.  

The rest of this is pretty good.  I actually have a good sense of who your character is and stuff from this.  

The thing is, descriptions are kind of a game of word association; you want to hint at things without actually saying them a lot of the time.  If you wanted to, you could add in a sentence afterwards about his muscled physique moving with calm grace or whatever but even as it is now, I see your character as very strong and buff just because of the adjectives you've used: thick, strong, angular, fiery, etc. 

As for adding in the height, I really am neither for nor against this. Some people hate it because of the whole if I look at you, how do I know your height exactly deal?  But imo, I can usually tell people's height to the a + or - 2 inch margin just because I know my own height and I can do comparisons with my eyes.  A lazy way to do it would just be to do like He is a human and is x feet x inches in height. Sun-bronzed whatever..... There are also more creative ways as well. If your character is average height for example, you actually don't need to mention the height cause everyone starts out as average everything in my character visualizing mind.  Whereas if you are short, you can say things about petite frame, small stature and tall people can be towering or you can throw the word enormous around or something.  

@Borre, I like yours and wouldn't really change anything.  Reading it, I easily formed a mental image of your character, enough of one that I can draw it.  That's usually my criteria for a good vs a bad description. Didn't want you to feel like we just glossed over you. Just, good job and all. 

Averi

And because I've been saying the whole "a lot of people hate my description" for years thing, I decided to finally show mine. I am a horrid violator of the don't show actions clause.  However, there's just a lot of things about a character you can't really say anywhere else aside from the description and I think it adds a lot to how people see her. 

She is a human with a friendly, laid-back confidence present in her fluid, quiet movements. Hinting 

at years of practice, she walks with firm steps and a slight engarde while still maintaining the 

poised grace of a model. Sun-kissed through years of adventure, her light skin has been meticulously 

maintained to show little signs of damage or aging. Dirty-blonde dreadlocks, gathered back by a 

strip of black leather, fall down to her waist decorated with streaks of rainbow, small metal charms,

 painted beads, and feathers. A few loose strands of hair frame an expressive face with sky blue 

eyes and a kind smile that still occasionally hints at mischief. Steady hands and long, restless 

fingers gesture often when she is speaking adding a subtle liveliness to her words.

Pretty much, I want her to come across as that one girl who you look at and are immediately like "Man, you must spend like 4 hours in the bathroom in the morning and 2 at night to look that perfect" except one that could like actually kick some butt.

Ahmet

*twitch*

Exelethril

Sena said:

"Large, spiked", "large, sinuous", and "sharp, curved" commas are all correct, I'd keep them there. The ones that are definitely wrong and need to be removed are "might, and wisdom" and "limber, and muscular". The last comma ("seen, covering") is correct with or without it, but the comma subtly changes the meaning (the scales can be seen and are covering the body, or covering the body is something that the scales can be seen doing). Personally, I think it flows better with the comma there.

You can edit dragon descriptions now or did I not read something?

Sena

I think Deladan got a custom dragon description, they've been auctioned a couple times. I would assume that the only changes allowed at this point would be correcting typos and grammar problems.

Sarathai

Yeah, he has a custom description for dragon. Was something like three million gold in an auction, from memory.