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Comments
Penwize has cowardly forfeited the challenge to mortal combat issued by Atalkez.
Code: send("nstat catchup")
It's really disappointing that I acted the way I did when I was 15 playing this game, and it feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy, and has for awhile now.
People have a certain perception of me, and despite my efforts to RP more, be less griefy, etc., I'm met with a lot of pre-judging, that manifests itself both in OOC and IC fashions, leading to a lot of frustration, and sometimes rage on my part.
If I hadn't invested so much into the character credits-wise, I would absolutely -love- to start again.
Wasn't gonna write this post, but I was doing some googling today and saw a bunch of threads from the old forums with me being a typical 15 year old dickhead "gamer" and treating achaea like my own personal playground.
The really depressing bit was finding this, written about me oocly some 8 years later:
http://pastebin.com/9zZK0TFB
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Given Achaea's admin's lack of reaction to Mhaldor's complaints, there will be another set of mass exodus from the city. Tvistor will leave for the refugees. Ruth will leave for the refugees. Jurixe will go to Ashtan. Antidas will leave. Aepas is already dormant. Sherazad might go dormant. Azor, Nizaris and Xer will stay. Rakon will be active and go to the refugees. The prominent clique will compose of Xenomorph's friends. Notable stupids will stay such as: Halios, Zephyros, Cain, Tiamat, Daitya. Have fun, Mhaldor! Adios!
----So yea, when people tell me now that it's all in my head when I say I feel like there are OOC cliques that specifically dislike me in Mhaldor, and continue to this day to do so, despite my efforts, I'm not gonna be so easily convinced.
Notable stupids, indeed.
There is no gentle way to get stabbed in the back, @Halios.
The only reason I found the forums in the first place was because of an OCC note from a friend of mine telling me about how the community was making fun of my OOC rage at someone for killing me, which was "explicitly" against the rules. As I start to "forum" more, I had the honor of @Blujixapug calling me feckless nimrod, others calling me an idiot, and @Duane promising to grief me until I quit Achaea. All because I wasn't quite grasping the role-play aspect of the game and was treating it like some kind of solo player game (I also didn't understand how serious issuing was viewed by the player base). I only wanted to bash to dragon and didn't want to die (would lose literal hours of bashing if I did). I wanted "safe" conflict from others that didn't include any repercussions for Talysin. I was a noncom and was picked on by people who simply didn't like me because of my behavior on and off the forums. On a side note, this level of bullying is not ok. I spent an entire day reading my forum history in the archives and got nothing but hurt feelings. Though I will admit, I still wasn't "getting it" at the time.
Once I started wanting to role-play, it was too late - my reputation was shot. I know that there are OOC cliques that you will never belong to, but some players are above that level (I think). Wulfen actively city favored me while I was Mhaldorian, which made me believe he was above stifling my advancement in Mhaldor. I feel that if you make a genuine willingness to change, you will find that the player base will support you. If anything, the support will come from not wanting to look like an asshat.
Talysin is a fun character for me to RP with now, and I'm really starting to enjoy Achaea by just interacting with people, although combat is fun as well. I really love where I have taken Talysin and I finally understand the "thrill" of roleplaying an actual character, and not a character manifestation of my own self. At some point Ill get to publishing that paper on role play games as a safe space for explorations of gender nonconformity.
That was some hilarious bleak reading.
But we've all done the whole "ok I swear this alt will be a secret and I won't tell nobody" (5 minutes later) "Hey bro can you sew some pants for my new character?"
Honestly there are cliques, and I am glad there are cliques because when they are done right they can really tug at the hearts of people and create some exciting opportunities for politics and interaction. Unfortunately it can go awry but it is not unlike anything else. People like to do things with people they are comfortable with and know they can have fun with. Sometimes you have to know how to approach people properly and also ask the right questions, ask for the right kind of help, respond to adversity correctly. This is assuming you want to be involved with these people though. If you don't you can butt heads all you want.
You can't really demand that people not be friends, or not enjoy the game. Achaea is one of those games where to get where you want, you have to conform for some sort of period before you can start pulling strings and being awesome. The politics are exactly like irl politics in that respect.
Frustration and failure are very much a part of the world as happiness and success. I always tend to get bottled down with frustration lately. As Carmain I get a lot of flak from lots and lots of people, generally for being incredibly dismissive towards anyone that isn't a novice, and also for acting like a hippy. Which is obviously my fault.
I regret that I led Carmain down that path I did sometimes but I refuse to change it now. It would be inconsistent of me to suddenly start acting like what people expect of someone in my place. I am who I am, and it would take a lot of choices concerning lots of Achaeans for me to change Carmain's ways. I learn to enjoy what I can though. I still play the game so I obviously enjoy some part of the drama.
Achaea tends to be incredibly lonely for me playing as Carmain though as I'm not really ingrained in any social structure and most of the people that talk to me are talking to me about tasks, or opinions on Mhaldor related things or coding things, which I guess is fair, I'm in a position that demands people treat me like a dictator of sorts, and I am one of the go to guys for programming help. I look forward to the day I get relieved of my duty so I can go back to being crazy without setting any precedents that people will hate me for.
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One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important
I know it shouldn't be necessary to start over entirely to get people to stop holding old habits against you, but unfortunately, thats what the vast majority (myself included, on occasion) of the player base will do. If its a serious issue for you, you might consider doing the same, and earning a new reputation for yourself before anyone knows its you.
As for the pastebin, I remember when that went up a couple weeks before Tvistor and I left, but I unfortunately cannot remember who it was that wrote it. Either way, sorry that you saw it and that it was written at all.
On the plus side, note that everyone in that log was someone of worth. I'm a bit flattered to be on that list, as I didn't think anyone would notice me being gone. I to an extent am still gone, but more due to ooc commitments, but still try to stick around when I can.
This was also around the time of a huge power swing, and with anything the shiny new toys looked interesting (refugees). If you do look at that list however, you'll note most people stuck through the hard times and continue to work very hard for Mhaldor and I believe some people like Jurixe, Ruth, Sherazad, and Xer have a huge amount to do with Mhaldor's overall success at this current age. We were without a doubt the weakest city for a long time, but those who stuck with it, Kudos!
Sorry you were on the stupids list. I've had a few interactions with Halios and I have truly enjoyed them all, I never found you to be overly ragey like cain or tiamat had been at times, and had time to interact with all of these so called "stupids"
The admin are not to be blamed for this either though. To an extent, the Keresis event is what spurred a lot of this on, though it should be noted that this was not her fault. The admin were actively TRYING to make it a better place, in response to many of the players complaints. Keresis was an active god with a rich history and lore to Mhaldor, but it was a big aggressive in how she came to power. Still, that is nobody's fault but the players and their response. To whoever made this list, I can see where you were going but it was rather unfounded , especially calling out some people as "stupid". Even people like Cain, who is well known for some rather strange things, has a notable piece of lore within our achaean lives, and to an extent that does deserve to be respected.
Halios, don't mind that list. I think you're doing fine.
I'm not complaining about people recounting the days events ingame in a skype chat. I do that myself, everyone does.
But to personally evaluate, judge, and comment on other people in a blurred OOC/IC fashion in such a medium is incredibly damaging and out of order.
It's really kind of ironic that the entire direction of that pastebin was the feeling of such dismay with the state of an IC organization that people felt the need to threaten to leave en-masse to the admin in order to evoke the kind of change they felt was needed.
I understand that Aepas, You, and Carmain are reflecting on an overall result, which a lot of people think is positive, but honestly, I don't understand how some people can be so hypocritical as to complain so much about leadership and cliques, and then in the same breath develop one of their own in turn and perpetrate the same things they perceived others as doing to them.
I've literally never talked to Xeno in an extended OOC fashion. We've sent some tells back and forth about life and stuff, but nothing like a group skype chat that we converse on regularly. Then when I came back to activity the first time, I was told by Tvistor and others that the reason I was being treated so harshly in Mhaldor was because "they think you're just like Cain," to whit he sent me logs of 4-5 people in an ooc skype chat discussing -my- character. This is wholly inappropriate and ridiculous.
This was 2013. Not 2006. This was also not purely in an IC sense. It was mostly OOC. Tvistor was level-headed and reasonable enough to admit he didn't like that I was being perceived so negatively without a solid justification, but he was really powerless to do anything about it.
This has been a recurring theme for a long time now, and why I've floated between inactivity and activity. One can only take so much bullshit before they just get sick of playing and log out. Everyone keeps suggesting I go to Ashtan, or Eleusis, or Targ, but honestly, the whole point of me changing was to start RPing -more-, not less.
Halios has only ever been a Sartan loyalist. He decried Keresis, and even had a distaste for Apollyon/Shaitan due to the seeming upheaval of structure in Mhaldor and the sycophantic power-grabs that occurred.
Switching cities now that Sartan is back would be like deciding he was suddenly a Jester who liked pretty flowers and cupcakes baked in Cyrene.
I'll leave you with this as a strong reminder of why judging things off the words of others is damaging:
People in text games (not just Achaea) historically have this nasty pattern for playing for several months, going on rage/psychotic benders, quitting for a few months after being total dickheads to their friends... come back a few months/years later and say how they have changed and then several months down the road they fall back into the patterns of the super psycho or rage hooligan and they quit... rinse and repeat. I know some people who have been living this same pattern for over a decade. Every time they expect people to forgive their fucked up behaviour, even though they have proven over and over that they never actually change. It's not uncommon in the text community unfortunately.
So! With that said... considering that it's a real exhausting and ridiculous problem to deal with, for a number of people who stick around text games long enough, you just have to work harder to prove yourself to people, I think. Because absolutely people grow up and can change.. it's just that a lot of people will never believe it till it stands the test of time.
That love soon might end You are unbreaking
And be known in its aching Though quaking
Shown in this shaking Though crazy
Lately of my wasteland, baby That's just wasteland, baby
Because absolutely people can grow up and change.. it's just that a lot of people will never believe it till it stands the test of time."
Either I'm one of those people, and her statement pertains to me, or I'm not, and it doesn't.
Self-fulfilling prophecy.