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Jokes Thread
Amanu
Forge Tree
Because the world doesn't have enough amusement. Let's hear the best jokes you find or can come up with!
And leave the insults about anything out. Not that kind of thread.
1
Comments
White Vans
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
Weight Loss Program
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 lbs that week..
A cowboy walks into a saloon and walks up to the bar, spurs clinking on the floor. He has a seat on a stool, orders a whiskey, neat. He drinks it down, tips the barman and bids him farewell, and strides back out. After a few moments, he comes back in, pushing the double-doors wide open, one hand on his belt, by his revolver.
Without looking up, and his face shaded by the brim of his hat, he says, in an intimidating growl, "Someone dun gone stole my horse." He tips up his hat's brim, and looks around the room. "I'm a fair man, so here's what I'mma do. I'mma walk over to that bar and have a seat. I'mma order a whiskey. By the time I finish, my horse better be out there, cuz if not... I'mma be forced to do what I did in Texas. And I do NOT want to have to do what I did in Texas."
He walks over, has a seat and, true to his word, orders another drink. He finishes it, pays, and strides back outside. Like a miracle, there's his horse, right where he'd left it! As he's saddling up, the bartender runs out, and asks, "Hey! You got your horse back! Out of curiosity... what WAS it you were forced to do in Texas?"
Taking the reins of his horse, the cowboy looks to the horizon with the weary look of a gunslinger that's seen too much, and answers, in a low voice, "I had to walk home."
A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”
“Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it. It was too scratchy. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper.”
I love elevator jokes, they work on so many different levels.
When Canada rules the world,
things will be... nii~ice.
One turns to the other and says, "You drive, I'll man the guns."
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One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important
You know what WSU and UW students have in common?
[spoiler]They all applied to UW.[/spoiler]