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Comments
And you won't understand the cause of your grief...
...But you'll always follow the voices beneath.
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Recycled an adjective/template though sufficiently content.
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And yes, I have a weakness for named weapons. Named weapons other than blades are somewhat unusual, but if someone can name their gun Vera, I sure as hell can name my crossbow too.
APPEARANCE: Aduantas, a ballista-styled ivory crossbow
DROPPED : Reminiscent of a ship's ballista, an ivory crossbow is propped here.
EXAMINED : Albeit spanning length-wise near the same height as its wielder, the measurements of this massive weapon are nonetheless far from those of a true ballista. Supported by a pale, elegantly curved stock carved with an eye for aesthetics, each side has been artfully decorated with variations of a similar theme: On the right, starlit woods and verdant prairies occupy every inch of the wooden surface, whereas on the left appear marbled halls and towered spaces, with vast and empty streets under a clouded sky. The lath, fashioned from a darker variety of wood and horn, angles away from the stock as if branching from the selfsame tree, limbs spread perpendicular to a half-round grooved track. Xabat-shaped winches finely wrought from blackened metal rest at each side of the stock's narrow end, spools of the heavy drawstring used for propelling the bolts contained therein. A small metal haft at the midsection allows for easy handling, while a smaller pulley near the end serves both to draw on the string with a gleaming hook, and to release and fire the mechanism when ready.
And you won't understand the cause of your grief...
...But you'll always follow the voices beneath.
#helpfulnothelpful
The crossbow is only slightly shorter than Shirsz, who is pretty short, so I don't think it is overly large. If anything, it ends up being shorter than her bastard sword, so I don't consider it oversized (Though I admit oversizedness was part of the inspiration) .I might try to find a better way to convey that it is not actually monstrously huge while still being a bit on the large side, but for now thats the best way I've found without resorting to exact measurements.
As for the weapon names, I guess we all have preferences. I like them.
Still, thats not to say I don't appreciate the opinions. I do. So thank you!
And you won't understand the cause of your grief...
...But you'll always follow the voices beneath.
Shows up as something like '<person> is here wielding a sharp, serrated longsword named Dongblade.'
or '<person> slashes at you with a sharp, serrated longsword named Dongblade.'
Which is more annoying?
And you won't understand the cause of your grief...
...But you'll always follow the voices beneath.
And you won't understand the cause of your grief...
...But you'll always follow the voices beneath.
Results of disembowel testing | Knight limb counter | GMCP AB files
And you won't understand the cause of your grief...
...But you'll always follow the voices beneath.
As I said before, I am thankful for them, but I was hoping for more. You know, there's a whole description beyond that line. But whatever. Lesson learned.
And you won't understand the cause of your grief...
...But you'll always follow the voices beneath.
And you won't understand the cause of your grief...
...But you'll always follow the voices beneath.
Edit: Also, the scenes were supposed to be carved reliefs. I'll try to make that clearer in the final version.
And you won't understand the cause of your grief...
...But you'll always follow the voices beneath.
At a screenwidth of 80 characters, this desc pushes almost 12 lines, that's very long in terms of engagement from any Achaean reader, and most people's eyes will glaze over at the initial probing due to the sheer wall of text. 8 lines (at a screenwidth of 80/approx 120 words) is really the very maximum you can ask of the general public's attention so you have at least 4 lines of wasted effort that actually turn people off from even starting to read your work. (This is fine if you give no damns about other people reading your desc and just want a pretty thing for you!)
The description is very busy and mechanical to boot, which makes a very heavygoing read.
Tip when using technical terminology: Do so very sparingly.
Adding a lot of weaponry specific terminology and what you'd hope are pretty structural words (albeit, whereas, selfsame) creates a clash of writing styles and forms unwieldy sentences. There is then a kind of jarring effect between the attempt at artful language and a blueprint-esque series of features that can often be hard to pinpoint when you just know that something feels "not quite right" with a description.
These destroy much of the flow that would draw a reader in and likely make them actually stay for all 12 lines of the desc.
There is a tendency to use the specific term for something and then explain it to the layman too. This might be the crux of where the desc's unwieldiness (and length) comes from. If a crossbow's lath always angles away from the stock, why tell us that it does, either trust the masses with their tech understanding (or ability to google), or just describe the lath. Pick one or the other to cut down redundancy.
X is here and has this, that, and the other. Y is over here, it's this long and has that, this, and is this other thing. Z is amazing, you can see it over on this part, but is kind of vaguely like this interesting unrelated thing. - This is an obviously generalised example filled with hyperbole, but it feels like a verbose list of things you want to see rather than a coherent description.
(Hopefully I wasn't too harsh, I try to save the stylistic red pen for the Celani.)
Edit: Ultimately, @Shirszae, this is your weapon, your desc, your artefact. Make what makes you happy (within the bounds of the Achaean scope, ofc.) Whether or not anyone else likes the concept is irrelevant!
For anyone curious, this is what I went with in the end.
And you won't understand the cause of your grief...
...But you'll always follow the voices beneath.
Appearance: a well-worn ash spear
dropped: an old spear lies here
Examine: Pale, straight ash makes up the length of this functional spear. The haft is crossed in several places with worn leather, rimed with sweat, and old brown stains. A leaf-shaped blade of volcanic glass crowns the weapon, its knapped surface glinting in places.