Achaean Fan Mail with Xenomorph

Mishgul

1. Achaean Fan mail with Xenomorph"
2. -NBC's smash hit- that has critics raving
3. or rather, writhing, as their unconscious frame
4. frame succumbs with a death rattle.
5.  
6. Written by: Anonymous (But hung like a bull mule)
7. 22FEB13
8.  
9. -IC Event- from the winter of 615AF, filmed in front of a live studio audience
10. ---------------
11. <<Our play opens with the hearty applause of the enthusiastic legions of Sapience confirming his eminence is the core of society and success. Forced once again to endure another story of his is an unwelcome fact of life, rivaled only by OJ signing autographs in a women's shelter. The showering thunder of applause ends in unison, as the audience collectively shuts the f**k up, their only role in the tale completed. >>
12.  
13. Narrator: An Infernal Knight, encased in obsidian black fullplate suit. Its joints reinforced by silver metallic banding, badass-blue colored runes pulse gently. Resting atop his massive shoulder, a falcon -as alpha as the man it sits atop, pays no mind to the audience with a haughty and uncaring look. His masterfully constructed fullplate interrupted only by the demonic helm that bears the mark of the Tyrannus, a red glow lightly illuminates the eyes of the helm, with malevolent badassery. (also it’s interrupted by the Christmas sweater he is wearing)
14.  
15. Setting: Achaea. A snowy night on Mhaldor's mountain. The story is told from the comfort of the Spire of Despair, deep within the Baelgrim Fortress. The fire warms the heart of the audience with an air only found on a magic holiday in December. The Narrator addresses his audience from the comfort of a lazy-boy recliner, as he roasts Refugee nuts on an open fire. (No chestnut trees in Sapience)
16.  
17. Time: Nighttime, or whenever the f**k he decided. Having time for neither your opinion or fair chance at life, the Narrator cleverly guards his calories from being burned by bullshit such as: helping others, and 'please stop stealing'. His unflappable integrity, vigilantly standing guard against the communism of Sapience, is felt with a powerful aura. The kind a dead squirrel gets sunbathing on a hot Louisiana turnpike in August. So yeah, time is 21:15 hours, deal with it.
18.  
19. The show is kicked off by the sound of a trumpet; oddly choosing to steal The Price is Right failure horn. *waahwaaahwaaahwaaaaaaa*
20.  
21. >>>>>
22.  
23. "Good evening Achaea. I'm Infernal Lord Xenomorph, thanks for joining us tonight."
24.  
25. "From time to time it's important to listen to others once in a while, hearing their thoughts in a comfortable setting where we can work to answer problems. We last did this in 1992, so remember that while I don't practice what I preach, my intent was a good idea at the time, and that’s all that matters."
26.  
27. "Our first letter comes from a fan named Rangor Corten, a man-child that resides in the lush greenery nestled neatly in the proverbial green thicket of the central Sapience woodlands."
28.  
29. 
    

Mishgul

1. >>>>>
2.  
3. "Dear exalted one."
4.  
5. "I don't like you. But I'm very concerned about you lately. Others are as well. Not for you, but for our own health and welfare. We decided to vote as a group and go with the most popular choice regarding whether you should leave Achaea for good or not."
6.  
7. "While a few 'fans' of yours said you could occasionally visit Achaea if you comply with counseling and a court order -ultimately didn't matter. As the minority was quickly dwarfed by the much larger 97% cascading landside of popular opinion demanding you 'kill yourself -f**k just quitting'."
8.  
9. >>>>>
10.  
11. "Thanks for writing in Rangor, I appreciate the compliment, and yes, we will keep the show on the air despite the protests from the Achaean Women's Equality league, which are obviously charlatan lies as it’s impossible to go protest if you are in the kitchen, getting dinner ready and making sure not to serve cold pizza to your breadwinner ever again."
12.  
13. "Ok, I hear you and I have a solution: if your lawnmower is giving you fits you need to first check that it has fuel, adding some if not. Often times we don't cut our lawns in winter months, so you need to check the spark plug is in serviceable condition, come spring time -especially if you store it outside where elements can get to it. I hope that clears up your confusion, Rangor."
14.  
15. >>>>>
16.  
17. "Our next lucky fan writes in from a public post office, via the park bench. (being homeless, you don't have the luxury of housing, or that fancy 'showering daily' nonsense.) The letter,  (which btw, is hard to read, as its clear the writer was so broke he couldn’t keep up rent on chromosome #21. In addition, this is the first time I've seen mouth breathing coming through the mail.) goes on to read with its own shaky scribble of delayed intelligence, 'Dear exalted one.'
18.  
19. "You promised a lot of things, and you haven't delivered on one of them. While I understand leadership can be difficult with all the stress involved, one must actually show up to work to be stressed. I saw you in the Naga Guildhall again too, stealing more credits. You aren't very sneaky, and despite attendance roll calls, this isn't the victimless crime you pass it off as. Your idea that the Naga are of fairy tale and myth, comparable to a leprechaun, is simply a coincidence as they are out competing in the 'Not Logging in Olympics' to see who is the best."
20.  
21. "Anyways, I know Gods probably like to party every now and again. But Tecton showing up to work drunk, and while seeing double, picked you, pretty much highlighting the unanimously unargued fact late term abortion should apply to people named Xenomorph. It is what it is I guess. I wish you luck, and I pray every day that you stop eating lead paint like nacho cheese."
22.  
23. 
    

Mishgul

1. >>>>>
2.  
3. "Thanks for writing in Antidas."
4.  
5. "I'm pleased you are happy with my performance, after all, when we stop putting the people first, we doom them. While it’s true I'm a benevolent despot, I believe in a little bit of personal freedom in Mhaldor, so that’s why I gave you the ability to choose between green or red Jell-O in the mess hall. So to answer not just your question, but the realm's, don't bitch that I'm not doing my job, cause even a great leader like Khoraji wouldn't think up the Jell-O idea. That's mine and mine alone, you'll miss me when I'm gone and the Jell-O runs out. Ingrates."
6.  
7. "I gave you Taco Tuesday. I gave you the option of tea-bagging as execution at Red Square. I practice not micromanaging like other Tyranni might, as I reward you with weeks of me not even showing up. I help the best I can during city raids, while ensuring we have a shot at even winning -cause your top fighter and leader has compassion for you, as I qq with the philosophy the retarded younger brother should taste even a morsel of what their daring and dynamite dicked Prince of Mhaldor exudes."  
8.  
9. "While I -am- a demi-god with genius found only in the best alpha's, I obviously can't qq during a raid if I’m afk, having left an hour ago to buy top shelf liquor so I can deal with you paint sniffer survivors. Remember, you guys are the ones that told me to qq when a raid starts so you can handle it yourselves to even have a shot. By that I assume you simply meant my pecs and lats swing the blade with too much intensity, and you'd like some of the glory."
10.  
11. >>>>>
12.  
13. "Our next letter comes from the Garden."
14.  
15. "This taint-wiped parchment, soon to be a paper plane, comes from a man living in the clouds. He's a meany named Sarapis. A divine man who won't let yours truly be a god for a few days to kick some dust up so he can recruit people to Achaea. (look, we will get 20 new players a day if you let me do this. You aren’t keen on killing all the Refugees like I want, but you need to break a few eggs to make an omelet. Let me worry about all the important stuff and you can worry about staying out of the way, practicing the art of -silence- back in the dojo. Maybe next year -you- will get the coveted "100% Badass" t-shirt if only you start listening to superior intellect") Well, He'll miss me while I'm gone, and I can't just drop being a hedonistic badass elsewhere, only to come back and help him fix Achaea up more gooder."
16.  
17. >>>>>
18.  
19. "It says"
20.  
21. "Xenomorph. You need therapy. Many, many, MANY -FU**ING years of therapy."
22.  
23. >>>>>
24.  
25. "Thanks for writing in Sarapis. To answer your question, I am actually the least biased person to grace your world. There are rumors that I bear prejudice against others, even those that pair with mates of the same sex. Some say it’s because perhaps I myself 'haven’t come out yet.' While none of that is wrong, it is also lies about me. This is unfounded and preposterous poppycock. Every time I do something wrong, its just -you- being you being punished by Jesus for listening to some hater instead of me. Listen close, this is serious: I wouldn't be where I am if I didn’t recognize equality. -I don't hate gay people. I just hate when people act gay -by telling me they 'respectfully disagree' with me, or share the equally dumb opinion I should 'wash my own drawers.' It doesn’t work like that, shit rolls downhill. You wash them and do as you are told. I feed you crap, you damn well better eat it and shit me Tiffany Cufflinks."
26.  
27. "Got off track a bit there Mr. Sarapis, but the point is clear."
28.  
29. "I treat any issuer that comes my way the same as I would a street walker turning tricks. A handful of gold and a slap on the ass, sending them on their way."
30.  
31. "Anyways, I know the show has another 20 minutes to go, but I have to take a shit and I'm tired. Thanks for watching. Stay tuned for Diff'rent Strokes."

Vaehl

Wut.

Daklore

I don't even...

What is...

...

...

Still, well worth the time wasted reading.

Mishgul

I haven't read it yet but I assume it's got good grammar.

Jules

This one is unusually coherent, almost lucid even.  But seriously, enough of Xenomorph's babbling.  I want to hear the alpha falcon's take on Achaean politics, picking up chicks, and what goes on in Sanctuary now that Tecton debugged it so we can't see what those dirty birds are up to in there.  Falcons strip, of course.  The bigger the crowd, the better.  But what goes on once they're beyond the prying eyes of nosy adventurers?  Why is the falcon species such a sausage fest?  My lady bird is one of the small minority who underwent a procedure some years back, but if she knows anything, she's not talking.    

Nellaundra

what in the actual christ

i love it

Erasariel

OH CARMAIN YOU NEVER CEASE TO AMAZE ME

Sylvance

TL;DR?

Aepas

Sylvance said:

TL;DR?

GO BACK AND READ IT

Sylvance

Yessir!