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Let me pimp yo stuff.
Sybilla
London
I've had a lot of creative energy lately, and with no real place to channel it, I've taken to helping people with item/room designs and customisations.
English is my second language, and I'm by no means perfect or wholly confident with I do (advice on things I'm getting wonky is welcome), so this is also a way to practice.
If you'd like me to write something for you, you can comment here or contact me in game. I'm not that great at jewellery, but you can ask anyway and I'll tell you if I feel I can't do it. Glad to do it for free, but tips are always appreciated (I'm looking to build a house for Syb, so stone would be lovely)!
Some examples:
Latest stola design for Syb:
Blissful Bites café description for @Ariettie :
Elemental staff customisation for @Entaro :
a sundered sea-worn staff
Abandoned by an elemental mariner, a sundered staff awaits a new finder.
Rent from the prow of a lagan vessel, a five foot rod of algid wood is fashioned into a grim staff. Salt-weathering and dereliction pepper the length of this weapon with minuscule fissures, which in turn host clusters of sessile husks that their organisms have long abandoned. Sundered in twain, the upper portion is burnt black, held together by taut strings of a ghost fishnet. Despite its cankerous aesthetic, the wood feels light but sturdy, reinforced by warm veins of molten bronze that weave about the etched runes.
Eagle (atavian?) wings customisation for @Cresil ages ago (I didn't like the dropped, but he did and that's all that matters):
vitreous wings encased in charred bone
Refracting the available light, tinted glass betrays the presence of wings.
Mantling imperiously over the shoulders, a frame of charred bone wedges resilient slivers of glass in place, giving shape to this striking pair of wings. Worked as a mosaic in the same manner of a cathedral window, each stained piece slots about its neighbour like crystal feathers; the cruel, jagged shards piercing downwards threaten to slice the careless wearer or inattentive passer-by. An unsettling sanguine pigment seeps upwards from each vitreous tip, the savage red melding with the burnt black at each quill-nib, and lending this artefact a macabre cast.
I've done a few more here and there, and if their recipients wish to share then go for it. Currently working on Gloves of Extraction and then my schedule's free, so let me know.
Thanks.
English is my second language, and I'm by no means perfect or wholly confident with I do (advice on things I'm getting wonky is welcome), so this is also a way to practice.
If you'd like me to write something for you, you can comment here or contact me in game. I'm not that great at jewellery, but you can ask anyway and I'll tell you if I feel I can't do it. Glad to do it for free, but tips are always appreciated (I'm looking to build a house for Syb, so stone would be lovely)!
Some examples:
Latest stola design for Syb:
Appearance (short_desc)
a ceremonious stola in gentian blue
Dropped (long_desc)
Pooling in a crumple of gentian blue, a muslin stola lies abandoned.
Examined (extended_desc)
Yards of Baarian muslin dyed a vivid shade of gentian blue drape and fold over the body of the wearer, giving shape to this ceremonious stola. A row of fibulae fastens the garment at the shoulders, while thick bands of like material wind across the torso and down to the hips in thick ribbons, creating voluminous pleats and ruffles. From collarbone to ankle, the fabric falls in various sheer layers, which lends a depth of colour with each movement. Sewn across the hems and neckline, an instita of contrasting azure lifts the stola from mundane to august, where the interwoven pattern of feathers gives way to a discreet little wing.
a ceremonious stola in gentian blue
Dropped (long_desc)
Pooling in a crumple of gentian blue, a muslin stola lies abandoned.
Examined (extended_desc)
Yards of Baarian muslin dyed a vivid shade of gentian blue drape and fold over the body of the wearer, giving shape to this ceremonious stola. A row of fibulae fastens the garment at the shoulders, while thick bands of like material wind across the torso and down to the hips in thick ribbons, creating voluminous pleats and ruffles. From collarbone to ankle, the fabric falls in various sheer layers, which lends a depth of colour with each movement. Sewn across the hems and neckline, an instita of contrasting azure lifts the stola from mundane to august, where the interwoven pattern of feathers gives way to a discreet little wing.
Blissful Bites café description for @Ariettie :
Murmurs of jovial conversation blend with the tinkle of crockery, echoing across the brushed redwood flooring and wall-panelling to create an inviting atmosphere. Iridescent curtains in moire gauze shroud the interior from the bustle and mayhem of the markets, while jet vases and gilded accents invariably remind patrons that they are still in Ashtan. Low counters, glass shelves, and tall cabinets display the day's offerings: from wicker trays laden with warm loaves, to ceramic tureens of soups or stews, crystalline stands for desserts, along with savoury platters stacked high with goods. A chalkboard sign lists the specials, flanked by bone plates, and linen napkin-wrapped cutlery awaiting hungry customers.
Elemental staff customisation for @Entaro :
a sundered sea-worn staff
Abandoned by an elemental mariner, a sundered staff awaits a new finder.
Rent from the prow of a lagan vessel, a five foot rod of algid wood is fashioned into a grim staff. Salt-weathering and dereliction pepper the length of this weapon with minuscule fissures, which in turn host clusters of sessile husks that their organisms have long abandoned. Sundered in twain, the upper portion is burnt black, held together by taut strings of a ghost fishnet. Despite its cankerous aesthetic, the wood feels light but sturdy, reinforced by warm veins of molten bronze that weave about the etched runes.
Eagle (atavian?) wings customisation for @Cresil ages ago (I didn't like the dropped, but he did and that's all that matters):
vitreous wings encased in charred bone
Refracting the available light, tinted glass betrays the presence of wings.
Mantling imperiously over the shoulders, a frame of charred bone wedges resilient slivers of glass in place, giving shape to this striking pair of wings. Worked as a mosaic in the same manner of a cathedral window, each stained piece slots about its neighbour like crystal feathers; the cruel, jagged shards piercing downwards threaten to slice the careless wearer or inattentive passer-by. An unsettling sanguine pigment seeps upwards from each vitreous tip, the savage red melding with the burnt black at each quill-nib, and lending this artefact a macabre cast.
I've done a few more here and there, and if their recipients wish to share then go for it. Currently working on Gloves of Extraction and then my schedule's free, so let me know.
Thanks.
10
Comments
Just another fine example of Sybilla's amazing abilities...
an ashen volery figurehead
An ashen figurehead flows along the bowsprit, carven birds poised as if to take flight.
Carved into the face of the trunk of an ash tree, a whirl of movement and texture weaves into a pattern of wind-buffeted feathers. As the figurehead rises from its perch on the prow, avian shapes begin to take form along its front, straining against their wooden confinement and longing to take flight. Myriads of bead-lucid eyes, beaks, and taut wings compete for attention in this intricate sculpture. Only a lucky few soar free, balancing precociously wingtip-to-talon against their neighbours. Here a flock of long-tailed swallows rises in high-relief from the ashen block, there a gliding albatross, chasing the lightning feather of an eagle. The exaltation of various birds flurries in striking realism, a veritable volery if beheld by afar, crowned by a manifest specimen of a storm petrel.
Because I'll show off Sybilla's customisations any day of the week...
slate grey suede gloves trimmed in black satin
Slate suede gloves are folded here, demurely joined fingertips-to-cuffs.
Designed with utility in mind, coarse-grained deerskin protects the palms and front of the fingers from the toil of extraction, while softer suede vests the backs of these gloves decorously. This accessory does not sacrifice style for practicality: tanned a dignified shade of slate grey, the leather vaunts half-fourchettes in a powdery hue between each finger, while the lining is a fleecy azure cashmere that lends comfort and warmth. A curled feather-shaped opening leaves the backs of the hands bare, serving for ventilation, flexibility, and flair. Black satin trims the cuffs and borders, and secures the garment at the wrists in an elaborate bow.
a set of bracelets -- each one is half of a shackle broken at the chain in the middle. Still clasped around each wrist, chain dangling.
Since you asked for any notes about English, a couple of things that caught my eye:
"Various sheer layers" is a little bit unnatural. Various emphasizes some sort of difference - like there's something distinct about all of the layers - and it sounds odd when it's not clear what that is. It's not disastrous or anything, but it does sound a little bit off. If you mean a lot of layers, maybe something more like "a multitude of sheer layers". If you mean that the layers are variously more or less sheer, you probably want "variously sheer layers". Admittedly, this is pretty nitpicky.
"From wicker trays laden with warm loaves, to ceramic tureens of soups or stews, crystalline stands for desserts, along with savoury platters stacked high with goods" is definitely awkward. It's highly unusual to end a serial list (the list here is: tureens, stands, and platters) with "along" like this. You could replace "along" with "and", or you could just remove the serialization (something like"From wicker trays laden with warm loaves, to ceramic tureens of soups or stews, along with crystalline stands for desserts and savoury platters stacked high with goods"). Also, the comma before "to" is stylistically odd. Usually you don't see a comma in from-to constructions. There are some exceptions, especially when both the from-thing and the to-thing are full clauses, and there's no hard-and-fast rule, but it looks strange here.
"A chalkboard sign lists the specials, flanked by bone plates, and linen napkin-wrapped cutlery awaiting hungry customers." shouldn't have the second comma (this isn't a list of three things, there are only two things - the plates and cutlery - that flank the chalkboard). I'm not quite sure what you intend here either - flank strongly implies proximity (and typically that the flanking object are on the same plane or surface as the flanked object), so the image this conjures for me is of a chalkboard sign with plates and cutlery right next to it. Is the sign sitting on the dining tables beside the plates and cutlery? Are the plates and cutlery stored next to the sign? Maybe something more like "a chalkboard sign lists the specials, flanked by tables set with bone plates and linen-napkin-wrapped cutlery.". This also sounds a little bit like the customers are hungry for plates and cutlery.
Finally, that staff makes me want to go magi again. That might be my favourite staff I've ever seen.
Necrotic, leathery membranes web between the bony limbs of these draconic appendages, each wing
Regarding feedback:
- Various: "A multitude" would probably have worked better, I did not fully grasp the idea that "various" implies (notable?) difference as well as number. My thought is that each layer would fall slightly different from the other, and be differently sheer as a result, so I suppose that's fine.
- Commas are the bane of my existence, they're used differently in Italian and I've still not quite grasped where to put them in English. I tend to use them too much and I've been told I do comma splicing, which I'm still uncertain what it is and how it works... The one thing I've (tried to) kept consistent is the Oxford comma, but then I end up putting it before every "and" that vaguely resembles a list.
- Other: I'll cede to your expertise on the matter and thank you again for it, it's helping me improve.
---
List so far, so I don't forget:
I'd also like to apologise in advance if I suddenly go silent. I'm trying to make a living freelance writing, and my funds are rapidly dwindling, which means I'm likely to end up with multiple contracts from clients all at once - so I'll have to prioritise that writing over Achaea. Nothing on the horizon just yet, but may as well make you aware in case.
Oxford commas, if you use them, only appear before and in lists of at least three things. Those lists are pretty easy to identify: you're only looking for lists where all three (or more) things are the same (three things, three descriptions, three clauses, etc.) and then you have "and" before the last one.
A "comma splice" just means you tried to join independent clauses (bits with a subject and a predicate that could be their own sentences) with just a comma. If you have two independent clauses in English, you can write them as a single sentence by joining them with a semicolon or, more rarely, a dash (or a colon depending on the relationship between the sentences), or by using a comma and a coordinating conjunction (and, or, nor, for, but, so, yet). You can't join them by just sticking a comma there. This is a very common error that gets pointed out all the time in classes ranging from first grade through university, so a lot of people are very sensitive to it, and copy editors are bound to be on the lookout for it.
The author, by the way, is Catherynne Valente. I think that poetic quality in her case comes more from her having written a lot of poetry before writing much fiction, but her diction reminds me a lot of yours too.