Farewell for now, Mhaldor

MelodieMelodie Port Saint Lucie, Florida
edited December 2021 in North of Thera

Hey folks,

So some recent messages of earnest concern (both IC and OOC) I've been getting made me realize the quiet way I left the city was very odd and sudden for at least some. After giving it some thought, I decided I'd open a little window into some of the OOC reasoning behind my decisions, while leaving the IC aspects for you guys to find out (if you want) IC. For those who can't read long things, please feel free to jump to the tl;dr below.

A little background: Aerek and I planned together my exit from Eleusis to Mhaldor over the course of about four real life months. We made a lot of plans and preparations, we sent out emails to Sartan/events, we designed a lot of things and made important decisions about how to go about the whole thing in a believable way, without being griefy, which included things like making sure we didn't lock any doors, and so on. We had support from Sartan, along with (what I had thought was) his denizen, and everything seemed to be panning out fantastically. During this time, I was living in another state.

Within three months after joining Mhaldor, I was forced to move back home to my state for reasons I won't get into here, which included a stint of sharing a tiny apartment with my mother while I tried to sort out a plan for myself. My mother agreed to help support me while I go to college to get the education I wanted in the career I wanted, and between that, student loans and a part time job, I'd make it work. Two months after I had moved home, my mother very unexpectedly passed away. As the only parent in my life, and after having only spent two months with her after being away for eight years, this was obviously devastating. Not only the event itself, but suddenly my plans for college were thrown into complete disarray. I tried to remain focused on college, but couldn't, and after a semester of bad grades, dropped out. I then had to face the reality that I very suddenly had to figure out a way to support myself, by myself, and quickly.

The next 5-6 years that followed included a lot of turmoil, holding multiple jobs paying barely above minimum wage, dealing with the increasing mental issues, evictions, nearly losing my cat (the last thing my mother had given me) when I had to stay in a boarding house that didn't allow pets temporarily, and so on. Despite it all, I kept getting better and better jobs and managed a stint of living completely on my own funds. Unfortunately, with that fight having been temporarily won, the burdens of my mental health finally crushed me, and I had a breakdown that included speaking with a crisis team. I lost my apartment, and had to move in with a relative to, again, start all over. It has been a year and a bit since then. There are other factors here as well, but some things don't need to be in the public space.

I don't tell this to garner sympathy - far from, and I'm in a better place now than I was - but rather to outlie that with some reflection of trying to understand why I struggled so hard in Mhaldor when at first I did so well, I realized it was two-fold. For one, a very important and driving storyline for me to join Mhaldor was ... blasted to pieces, so to speak. Due to the way it happened, I am unfortunately unsure to this day if this was "meant" to happen, or if some things got quietly retconned on the back-end. I try not to make assumptions, but various pieces of evidence really make it hard to be sure. For two, the sudden trauma and resulting mental health issues I dealt with, along with the sudden evident showing of ADHD among the usual depression/anxiety, made dealing with the way you have to play a Mhaldorian character very difficult for me. Mhaldor is an amazing, wonderful place with wonderful people, but the way the IC approach to problems and weaknesses happen does not really support someone in a mentally unhealthy state. That is -NOT- anyone's fault, mind you. It's simply the way it is.

Since leaving, I have gotten a fresher perspective of the kind of gameplay I've missed being in Mhaldor, the realization (thanks to discussions with various lovely people) that my priorities and expectations did not match up to those I had to live with from others, It's also allowed me to release myself from the guilt I didn't even know I was carrying about not being able to focus and properly play a Mhaldorian as narrowly as was expected, including that my ADHD decided me focusing on things was just not going to be a thing. This made things like remembering to write down or report information, or do anything that was necessary but I found boring very, very difficult to accomplish. I eeked out what I could manage, but eventually I could just no longer keep up not only with other's expectations, but also my own.

TL;DR: Joined Mhaldor with best of intentions, but with IC storylines/hooks removed and piling mental issues along with irl trauma, was time for me to change things up for a while.

I hope this gives everyone who has had questions recently some perspective. I want to again empathize that Mhaldor is a wonderful city, and I leave with many excellent memories. I think it was just a matter that between the above, along with more IC reasoning, it was time for a change.

Love y'all. Have grace with yourself. You deserve it.

P.S. - Oops I promised a tl;dr didn't I? Edited to add that in.

And I love too                                                                          Be still, my indelible friend
That love soon might end                                                         You are unbreaking
And be known in its aching                                                      Though quaking
Shown in this shaking                                                             Though crazy
Lately of my wasteland, baby                                                 That's just wasteland, baby


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