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Jokes Thread

AmanuAmanu Forge TreePosts: 830Member @ - Epic Achaean
edited November 2016 in The Universal Membrane
Because the world doesn't have enough amusement. Let's hear the best jokes you find or can come up with!


And leave the insults about anything out. Not that kind of thread.


Tagged:
Liyane

Comments

  • JukilianJukilian Posts: 1,579Member @ - Epic Achaean
    The Credit Market.
  • DeladanDeladan Posts: 647Member ✭✭✭✭ - Eminent
    Deladan

  • TreyTrey Posts: 4,662Member @@ - Legendary Achaean
    What kind of shoes do pedophiles wear?

    White Vans

  • AmanuAmanu Forge TreePosts: 830Member @ - Epic Achaean
    Can already see this was a terrible idea.

  • ElsamElsam Posts: 257Member ✭✭✭ - Distinguished

    A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.

    The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"

    The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

    With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

  • AmanuAmanu Forge TreePosts: 830Member @ - Epic Achaean
    My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

  • AmanuAmanu Forge TreePosts: 830Member @ - Epic Achaean
    Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom. 

    Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”

    “Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it. It was too scratchy. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper.”


  • AmanuAmanu Forge TreePosts: 830Member @ - Epic Achaean
    A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?" God answers, "To me, it's about a minute." "God, how much is a million dollars?" "To me, it's a penny." "God, may I have a penny?" "Wait a minute."

  • KlendathuKlendathu Eye of the StormPosts: 3,040Member @@ - Legendary Achaean
    So I was talking to a reknowned elevator designer the other day, apparently he's the chap who decked out the gold elevator that Trump & Farage were in for all the photos. I asked him what his work was like. He said...

    "It has its ups and downs."



    Tharos, the Announcer of Delos shouts, "It's near the end of the egghunt and I still haven't figured out how to pronounce Clean-dat-hoo."
  • AylekAylek Posts: 170Member ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    They always rise to the occasion.
  • SobriquetSobriquet Posts: 2,049Member @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Kyre said:
    @Klendathu
    I love elevator jokes, they work on so many different levels.
    To be honest, I have a phobia of elevators. In fact, I usually take steps to avoid them
    image
  • DakloreDaklore Posts: 804Member ✭✭✭✭ - Eminent
    I don't trust stairs ... they're always up to something.
    image
    When Canada rules the world,
    things will be... nii~ice.
  • SobriquetSobriquet Posts: 2,049Member @@ - Legendary Achaean
    I went to the local garden center during the week and bought a really large Christmas tree. On the way out the cashier saw I was struggling a little and said "Are you going to put that up yourself", "No" I said, "I'll probably just put it in the lounge like I did last year"
    image
  • MaraxMarax The ScriptoriumPosts: 141Member ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    Sobriquet said:
    I went to the local garden center during the week and bought a really large Christmas tree. On the way out the cashier saw I was struggling a little and said "Are you going to put that up yourself", "No" I said, "I'll probably just put it in the lounge like I did last year"
    Two hours after reading this, I still can't help but chuckle. This is impeccable.
    (<clan>): Kuy says, "Gurl, I could talk myself outta Alkatraz."
  • IffIff Posts: 14Member
    edited December 2016
    Two goldfish are sitting in a tank.

    One turns to the other and says, "You drive, I'll man the guns."
  • AmanuAmanu Forge TreePosts: 830Member @ - Epic Achaean
    Iff said:
    Two goldfish are sitting in a tank.

    One turns to the other and says, "You drive, I'll man the guns."

    image

  • AntidasAntidas Posts: 1,470Member @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Amanu said:
    Iff said:
    Two goldfish are sitting in a tank.

    One turns to the other and says, "You drive, I'll man the guns."

    image
    I feel its extremely telling about the sort of games I play that when I read the joke, my mind immediately went to this sort of tank rather than a fish tank, and I spent about 10 seconds staring at it trying to figure out the joke before I realized that I was supposed to think of a fish tank first.

  • MishgulMishgul ROTHERHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMPosts: 5,312Member @@ - Legendary Achaean
    What's invisible and looks like a jokes thread?

    No jokes thread


    -

    One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important

    As drawn by Shayde
    hic locus est ubi mors gaudet succurrere vitae
  • IffIff Posts: 14Member
    edited December 2016
    Since I was just there not long ago (with great seats), I guess I'll share this for any college football fans or Washingtonians..

    You know what WSU and UW students have in common?

    They all applied to UW.



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