Posting violations of copyright and intellectual property are not permitted. If it does not belong to you, do not post it as your own!

It's good, but doesn't it need to relate to Achaea?

put sum tattoos in it

lol


Edit- I'm not a fan. It sounds too much to me like you were trying to force the rhyme, which just makes it sound a bit jilted. Plus the meter seems a bit too happy for me to be about so morbid a topic. But that's just me!

I was intending it to be about the Red Square.

I like it. Don't listen to the critics. If you like it how it is, then don't put no stinking tattoos in it. It can be written about Mhaldor. The only change I would make is to make it Evil instead of evil and that's no change at all, really...

Then it needs to be more obvious.

The content may be good, but I didn't manage to get beyond the first few lines as I stumbled over the rhythms, fell on my face, and broke my nose. My advice would be to concentrate less on rhymes and more on a fluent rhythm. (That doesn't mean the rhythm has to consist on an ever exactly repeating metrical foot, there certainly can be variation, stretching, etc. But it should be handled with care.)

Rhymes are just an optional goody for a poem, IMO.

Do you read it out loud while you write?

Helps a ton, in rhythm and flow.

And as far as this being about the Red Square... ehhhh, no. You didn't quite capture the feel of it. The Red Square is a place of punishment, but punishment for a reason, not torture-for-glee. What you wrote leans more towards the latter.



Just a quick edit of some of what you'd already written - read the original, again, out loud, and then the edit, see if you can tell what I mean

This is the worst advice about anything, ever.

listening to critics is the only way to improve.

Yea, I agree with Ruki on that.

Was he asking for improvements on the poem? Critique him, but don't say that what he's posted needs work if he's decided that he's done with it. Offer crticism for his future poems.

This is good advice.

A lot of people who write poetry focus so much on the assumed idea that the end of every line MUST RHYME that they don't realize or pay attention to the poem's clumsy meter.

He didn't post a request for anything at all, so we had to imply.

Probably the best thing to say would have been something like CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM ONLY PLEASE and then he could get indignant when people said that it wasn't good.

-Joe

To elaborate on this:

I often write my poetry in prose first, just to get the idea and the emotion down on paper. Then I will take what I've written, line-by-line, and play with the meter. Meter is itself a form of rhyme-- it is the repetition of the stress patterns in the words you use, and it creates the rhythm for the rest of the poem. It is the foundation that supports the rest of the piece. If you're a musician, think of meter as the metronome that keeps the other elements of you poem on-beat. Once you learn to work in tandem with meter, you will realize that its dictation of how many syllables you can use per line actually makes it easier to choose your words.

Rhyme in its traditional sense is not the only thing that dictates a poem's musicality. A weak rhyme sounds awkward and will detract from a poem. There have been many times where I have read-- or written-- a poem in which a single crappy rhyme has ruined the entire experience. Sometimes, like with "orange", "purple", or "antidisestablishmentarianism", a rhyme just isn't possible. Sometimes the only words that rhyme make no sense in the context of the verse.

In free verse poetry, this is not a big deal. There are many ways to retain your poem's integrity without resorting to the end rhymes that are traditional within Western structured poetry. Three of the biggies:

-Assonance. The repetition of vowel sounds, like "kick, rip, nit," or "boot, fool, moon, loon, tune".
-Consonance. The repetition of consonant sounds, like "step, trap, primp, prep", or "kit, tit, sat".
-Alliteration. The repetition of the first consonant sound in a phrase. While consonance and assonance can appear within words and not just in their beginning or end, alliteration is limited to the first syllable. Example: "Smoothly sailing seas on susurrations of a summer's breeze." This tool can be especially effective when combined with strong meter.

Patterns of stop or fricative consonants can also have a musical quality appropriate for poetry. Try experimenting with them.

If you're an end rhyme kind of guy (or girl), you may want to look into half rhymes, pararhymes, and eye rhymes to effectively "cheat" your way through traditional rhyme schemes, or provide yet another alternative to them, as each of these types of rhyme are interesting on their own. Wikipedia's main article on rhyme has more terminology and links that may be of interest, including one to a List of English words without rhymes.

Your poem also lacks a certain flavor. The way you have written it makes the Red Square-- the relatively busy torture-and-execution district of the city of Evil-- look like a picture of Auschwitz in a history textbook. This is the very image of ACTIVE sadism and atrocity, not a black-and-white photo. Your word choice and imagery ought to conjure up visions of disobedient slaves being pierced within the iron maiden. We ought to be able to hear the snap of their bones, the squelch of their viscera, and the nauseating gush as the seams of the device are flooded, rinsing the russet cobblestones with a fresh coat of blood. We ought to be able to hear piercing wails echo through the streets then end in a sudden, gut-wrenching staccato as heads leave the shoulders of their victims. We ought to be able to hear the thuds of amputated limbs as they part company with their sockets and fall carelessly to the floor; to reckon the low moans of despair and resignation issuing forth from the bloodied maws of those who have abandoned all hope. We ought to be able to see the blood, the bone, the sinew, the bruises, the scars, the lashings, the broken, decaying corpses piled higher and higher after a long day's work by the tireless executioners, all who don an impassive, indifferent expression-- for them, this is normal! The loss of each life has absolutely no effect on them! Isn't their chilling silence more terrifying than any maniacal cackle could ever be?

My point is, you need to find fresh words and new metaphors. You want your audience to be able to feel the tortures of the Red Square! Make them experience it. Don't just tell us "Pure evil is resident here; death sat in this chair." Describe -how- evil is there, and tell us about the last moments of one of the victims in that chair-- or at least paint an image of Thoth sitting there, flipping a coin, choosing when to bring someone's life to an end.

There is a big difference between stating something and describing it. Try this exercise. Choose an item-- a chair, a roll of toilet paper, whatever-- and describe it without ever stating what it is. Do it in prose, first, and focus on your adjectives, your metaphors, and your similes. Remember that while you want your audience to recognize what you're describing, you don't want to use cliches. Describing toilet paper as "white as snow" would be a no-no. Describing toilet paper as "niveous" or "A pallid square, soft in hand despite pinhole patterns embossed upon its arid surface" would be better.

I have one more bit of advice, but it's going to have to wait until after I get back from the supermarket. If you check out my StumbleUpon page, I have a ton of writing-related links interspersed with the rest of the nonsense I added to my favorites. I'll cite some of it when I return.

Thank you for all your replies and suggestions. I will take them into consideration as I write more pieces.

First two lines are from another poem written by someone else, apparently. Haven't investigated the rest of it yet, but wow Nylan. 3 for 3 on the stolen work so far. Excellent job

- that :

http://allpoetry.com/poem/4630993

Yep there it is. Thanks Dex I was looking for the whole thing for the past hour. 3 for 3. Stop stealing - Nylan

I e-mailed the author, this time. Think it's only right.
I mean, that was word for -ing word. Be discrete, -.

Seriously. Just -ing stupid, Nylan. Take a relaxing nap. Damn. Plagiarism is the worst form of theft Nylan. Stop stealing other people's work and using it as your own.

I'm getting quite skilled at finding pictures and whatnot
I googled the first two lines, caught the site, looked at the list, said - that, went back to google, realized the authors name was right there, searched the name, and here we are.
Like -, the last picture was nameless to me 'cept for vampire and woman. And I still found it

Could at least have stolen a good poem!

That may have been obvious, though.

Choosing a well-known poem (generally, the good ones) is a riskier thing to do. This poem was obscure and done by someone I've never heard of before. I doubt that if it wasn't for Lynn and myself, this would've been caught as fast as the picture had been.

Indeed. Well done Dex. Another theft thwarted. We need a team name.

I'd wager to say there are plenty of unknown-but-competent poems he could have selected instead.

Moot point, just the same.

Kinda pointless to steal anything that's written these days, since you can just google a line and like 5000 results will come up with the entire thing

Yeah, honestly.

I should read the entire thread, proof of plagarism posted, doh!

Plagiarism is a really serious offense. Nylan, honestly, watch yourself before you end up in real trouble.

Hahahahahahhahaa.

I refuse to believe you haters. The work is clearly his own. For constructive criticism, the poem needs much more Ludacris.

Oh - me.

Nylan you are joining Osek on my forum snub list. I wish you a very unpleasant life.

Why snub? He won't be returning here for a very, very long time. Not with that name anyway.

Did he get banned? We know this already?

To make a point. This idiot has achieved Osek levels of retardation.

Poor guy had potential. His name was Annly rearranged

Since the original poem has been removed, I'm closing the thread.