Post your descriptions, post tips and comments on others. Generally just a share and critique kind of thing.
After changes:

This is the favourite of my descriptions.

Edit: if the description of his hair doesn't quite make sense, I meant that while it's not crazily sticking all over the place, he doesn't often take a comb to it.

I probably have my very old description somewhere around... I should update it a bit, methinks.


There are several places where you lack a space between words. Is that a parsing error, or does it actually look like that?

There are a few word repetitions that stuck out in my eyes. It's only a stylistic thing, though.

I would also object to the "humble wanderer's sandals," as they imply that you somehow know they belong to a humble wanderer just by looking at them. What if they belong to a snarky wanderer? Lastly, I don't think that bandana is particularly dashing.

Bonus points for being actually short.

Ya, the lack of spaces is from me putting everything on one line and not double checking. The repitition stood out to me as well, but I haven't bothered to fix it. As for the clothes, I love those sandals! The bandana I could do without, but there's not much that I seem to like out there, so I settled for something. Thanks for the tips, I posted the change in my original post.

This is my current one


And before people start posting quotes from the help file saying that age has no negative affects in Achaea, I don't think wrinkles and grey hair are a negative anything of age

He is a graceful Tsol'aa and is slightly taller than usual for his race. Hardened silver eyes gaze out from his gaunt face, above which jet-black hair lies in disarray. Deeply tanned skin covers his well-muscled, lithe form. He walks with the truefavour of Ourania. He is wearing an Amulet of the Moon, a ten-pointed star amulet, a flowing ebony cloak with an onyx crescent clasp, soft black leather boots, a viridian book satchel, black trousers, a stylish black button-down shirt, and a ring of pestilence.

Tips? Avoid passive sentences (are, is, and other forms of be) and past tense, don't describe actions or feelings (ESPECIALLY of the person reading it), don't mention anything they could not tell by looking at you.

She is a beautiful Siren and is a kindly looking creature. Tall and curvacious, this siren captures the poise and gracefulness her race often depicts. Her skin is smooth and tanned with a healthy glow about it. A band of thorns has been tattooed around her wrist. Her eyes wisened with age a soft hue of forest green, flecked with bursts of gold and framed by dark long lashes and dark shapely eyebrows. Her ebony coloured hair is as straight as an arrow to her mid back. Sections of her hair have been plaited randomly from her crown and one plait specificaly has been adorned with tribal coloured thread and a feather attached to the end. She is wearing a small, tanned leather pouch, a platinum and gold solitaire wedding ring, an Anachaine tribal tattoo, robes of delicate white silk and pink petals, furry werewolf boots and a short fringed suede skirt.

Mine tends to change on how I feel. If I am having a crap week then I'll just shove my messy one into my descp

She is a Chaos Lady and is of diminutive height and build. She is largely hidden
between a tumbling torrent of shimmering black curls, which appear to have been
artificially coloured from whatever her original hair may have been. Her
haughty and gaunt Tsol'aa face appears unnervingly translucent, her whole body
so pale that the blue of her veins is unnaturally emphasised. Staring out from
her gossamer complexion are two deeply indigo eyes, swirling with the mixed
effects of Chaos and an insatiable curiosity. A series of ritual scars and burns
cover her body, most notably on her left hand which appears shrivelled and
distorted. A tattoo shimmers at the top of her spine where threads of green, red,
yellow, blue and white are woven together into a five-pointed star.

note the lack of huge boobs, visible 'bits' blonde hair, giggle, or any of the normal siren descriptions.
Scars and burns are fairly recent... stupid mask... stupid curiosity!

I haven't updated this since I came back.

Hehe, that is quite true. I never did try the whole huge breasts thing or giggling but I was blonde for a while.

edit:grammar

Don't even give anyone something nice to look at while you're killing them/stealing everything they own. And you call yourself a Siren!

Edit: Also, does anyone have any thoughts of mine? I'm one of the few male descriptions in this thread so far, heh.

He is a lizard-like Xoran and is tall and lean. His body is covered with large,
cobalt blue scales that hurt your eyes as they glint in the sunlight. His head
is shaved completely bald. His reptilian face is completely expressionless, but
there is a glint of curiosity or perhaps amusement deep in his azure,
slit-pupilled eyes.

Not ideal, if I ever get around to reworking it I want to remove the sunlight reference and that 'your'.

Errors bolded.

Particular points:

(1) This would sound nicer as 'rather than'.
(2) Pet hate of mine - contractions in prose lend it a character which neutral prose shouldn't have.

General:

A lot of your sentences start with 'The (noun)'. Try and vary your sentence structure a bit, as this will make it flow better.

You say his face is tanned but his skin is resisting tanning. Whilst I know you mean his body on the second part of that, it still can be confused. Perhaps rewrite this a bit.

Please to be not flaming for the Tsol'aa ears. Missi was a Tsol'aa for 100 years, and I only changed her to Grook for the faster EQ balance (mmm nerfed) and water recovery. I REALLY loved being Tsol'aa; all Missi's history, custom artifacts and subdivision house reflect that. Her clothes are a nod to the Grook side, though. Now I have another free reincarnation, I'm considering changing back to Tsol'aa.

I based Missi's Grook look on the full image of my signature, which is exactly what I was picturing her to be like. My Gimp-fu is weak, so to be not flaming that either.

If people have suggestions or whatever, I'm always open to them.

Thanks for the critique.

I like improving my description skills. I'll take a good look at it with those things in mind and see how I can fix it up.

I would say that you've got no need to give the reason behind the colour of her hair - I think that assumes knowledge in the onlooker that isn't necesserially there.

Also I'd use 'Most alarming', rather than alarmingly. Perhaps even 'The most alarming features...' would be nicer.

Excellent, thank you! I never was happy with the wording there.

I didn't update my description when I went dwarf from Tsol'aa (yes, yes, shame), but I did update for the switch to Raja.

This is fairly old and has been there for ages. Not perfect, but, I like it.

He's had it for over a century, with minor changes. I'm not quite happy with it anymore, so I've decided to think of a new one. It's going to be similar; he hasn't changed his appearance. However, I mostly want it a little shorter, and remove a few clunky phrases.

I use double spaces between sentences since it makes it easier to read a large block of text. I don't really like the first sentence, but it's still one of the most important parts. I've thought about removing his scars. I don't feel that they add much character other than as token imperfections, and they could very well have healed by now. The dancing-snow metaphor/simile do add a lot in my opinion, although I would like to know what other people think.

Key traits: Slender frame; pale skin; very long, straight, and black hair; blue, sparkly eyes. He's also very straight-backed but relaxed and friendly in terms of general posture.

Now that I think about it, I find it amusing the he's a follower of the Sun Goddess, considering how far from that he looks...

@Missi: Token flame at the Tsol'aa ears. I'm not going to argue that here, though.

There is already an 11-page thread about this, with its latest reply posted as recently as January 11.

Description Help!










Edit: my contribution ^___________^

Yes, but there're repeat threads all over the forums.

This isn't a 'help me with my desc' thread though, this is a'look, I can spell' thread

Recently changed it... was never happy with it before... liking it more now.

Bolded will be changing when the event ends.

This isn't specifically for helping one person, but it's meant so everyone can help and critique each other.

I'm happy with it, but if there are any errors please tell me.

@Loscann: You have at least three consecutive sentences starting with "His", not incorrect but it read uncomfortably, might want to.. vary one slightly?

Here mind, yes I know, grammar pwns me:

There aren't enough Satyrs around.

He is a horned Satyr and is broad of shoulder and strong of hoof. His height is fairly average, he seems to look almost unremarkable and nondescript until you notice the glean in his piercing hazel eyes, only accentuated by dark, menacing eyebrows. Appearing solemn, stern and unyielding at first glance, his face also appears to be a completely impassive mask. His mouth reveals nothing, merely a small hard line above a neatly trimmed beard. Two small tan coloured horns protrude from the top of his forehead amidst flowing black hair, liberally streaked with grey.

That's cause satyrs are like sirens only scary. I once saw a "ritual" that resulted in a satyr being summoned. I'm still scarred from that.

desc I use for Siren, Tsol'aa, Mhun, Human:

She is a beautiful Siren and is a spectral, towering form. Her nearly translucent ivory skin hugs her frail frame tightly, faint scars adorning what flesh is present to the eye. A thick, waist-length mane of perfectly straight black hair is bound high upon her head, accenting the angular bones of her face. Striking blue eyes covered by what appears to be an opaque film are set deeply under high-arched brows, made even more prominent by the darkened circles surrounding them. Colorless, full lips turn downward, giving the impression of a faint scowl. A hardly visible perpetual tremor afflicts her wraith-like figure.

desc I use for kitty:

She is a tiger-like Rajamala and is a ghostly, towering feline. Her uneven whitish fur thins in patches to reveal grey skin stretched almost too tightly over whipcord muscles beneath. A mane of unruly coal-black falls in silver-corded shocks about her blunt leonine muzzle, providing the one contrast to otherwise drab coloration. Her watchful cat's eyes are differing colours: one silver, one steel, both flickering with a frightful instability. A long, supple tail switches regularly back and forth like an animate pendulum and her claws twitch in response to some fell, inaudible rhythm.

I dislike all other races.

Meilii:

She is an insectoid Horkval and is standing at around average height for her race, at
about five feet and ten inches tall with an athletic build. Her opalescent
exo-skeleton shows imperfections around the torso but otherwise reflects its
surroundings all distorted-like. Thin, somewhat slit-like eyes gaze out from under a
thickly plated brow.

distorted-like... <3 viera

Elecia (I think I was mhun at the time I wrote this.):

She is a powerful Troll and is small and dainty. Her soft brown hair glides down her
face and bounces playfully against the tops of her shoulders. Small braids decorate
her hair here and there, tiny silver beads catch the light as they line up and down
the braids. Shimmering brightly from beneath two sets of long curled lashes, fields
of evergreen coloured eyes dazzle curiously as she peeks about. Her pink painted lips
are soft and full, normally curved into a small smile. Her body is meek and small,
though toned almost perfectly for her size. Her soft ivory skin, though not flawless,
is offset by a few tattoos circling around her upper arms.

You've kept it!

<3 Elecia

I actually meant to finish the description aswell but I couldn't be bothered. If I still have my SoA on Meilii it still has it too.

Ilial's. Long, but I really like it. I don't know of any serious mistakes, but let me know if there are any.


She is a winged Atavian and is a dark creature, cold, reticent. Her full wings
spread like midnight shadows from her back, surrounding her body in a black
aura, seemingly soft, and yet without a single feather misplaced, as if never
touched by any other. Her hair, falling in tousled waves, tumbles down to her
knees, so black to almost appear blue in the moonlight. Startling golden eyes
stare from beneath long lashes, a nearly impossible color, like warm honey and
newest gold, though a hint of distrusting shines, nearly always shadowed as if
hiding her soul from those searching for it. Tattooed into the flesh around her
right eye, black swirls and spirals have surrounded her lashes and flow over her
eyebrow and down over her cheek. Extending from the tattoo up towards her hair,
a reddened wound looks quite fresh. Russet lips lay full against her skin,
parting to show her teeth. Her skin, the color of fawn-skin, covers her body,
turning a slight pink along her cheekbones. Small thin scars trace along her
right arm, barely seen against her russet skin, beginning at her cheek and jaw,
and continuing along her chest and down her right side. Other tattoos mark the
flesh along the sides of her throat: a pentagram wreathed in black flame, an "M"
scripted in the center, along the left and a swirling pattern looking similar to
a dagger against the right. Farther down her body, marring the flesh just above
her breast, a third marking in the rough shape of an eye scars her flesh,
looking to be the most recent of the markings, the skin still reddened. Her
frail hands hold more designs, the same black ink used. These show no
distinguishable pattern, though they flow from her wrists to her fingertips,
covering both the back of her hand and her palms. Hidden by her sleeves, the
designs appear to continue up her arms, though one cannot be sure how far they
wind along her limbs. The heady, intoxicating smell of jasmine and sandalwood
surrounds her body, held upright and seemingly unafraid, though her form seems
thin and waif-like.

This isn't Amunet's usual description, just one she used for a wedding she went to. The red pyrotechnics from her eyes and the colour-change effect of her hair are the side effect of a ritual she was a part of; something that she's currently working on reversing. There are a few permanet ritual modifications that are visible in other descriptions that aren't visible in this one, like a brand of a wolf's fang on her left forearm and the arrows of Chaos tattooed in black around her navel. There's also the tattoo of the Ace of Spades that she has as a member of Hermes' Order that was, for the wedding, covered by a pair of elbow-length gloves.


EDIT: I found Amu's normal description prior to the ritual. Here you go.

He is a powerful Troll and is about seven feet tall, having a slightly green complexion, and wrinkled skin. His eyes sit deep in their sockets, and his nose is slightly disfigured. His head is nearly bald, a few strands of grey hair peeking out here and there. His limbs are thin, as are his hands, and they are mottled with blemishes. He stands with a slight slouch, allowing his shoulders to fall forward. His teeth are yellowed, and a few are missing. Large folds of fatty flesh hang forward from his chest, and they jiggle daintily as he moves. A foul odor emanates from his entire body.

He is a [Horkval] and is covered by a thick shell of brown scales. The carapace is irregular, and is missing scales in various places. His eyes are solid black orbs, set deep in his skull. His fingers are uneven, some being quite thick while their neighbors are rather thin, and they move about restlessly. His head sits propped up by a stubby neck, his shoulders nearly reaching the level of his ears. A toothless grin sits on his face, above below his two off-center noseholes.

He is a [Dwarf] and is around four feet tall, and nearly as wide. Folds of flesh layer themselves beneath his chin, creating a virtual cascade of corpulence. His red beard is braided into two long strands descending from either side of his mouth. Large flabby sacks of flesh fall from his chest, resting upon his paunched belly. His nose is crooked, and his mouth is locked in a permanent grin on the left side. A few strands of red hair cling to the top of his shiny, bald skull, struggling to survive. His hands mirror the obesity that dominates the rest of his form, and his fingers are like wrinkled links of hairy sausage.

He is [Grook] and is about five and a half feet tall. His skin is a gooey, slimy mass of flesh stretched over a frame of knotted bone. His skin slips noticeably across his frame as he moves, warping his already grotesque features. His right eye is large and circular, with a tiny black pupil set permanently in the lower right corner. His left eye is very much humanesque, with a solid black iris and pupil. His webbed fingers terminate in soft pads, most of them vaguely circular. A few have been damaged and appear as though they were deflated balloons. His torso is disproportionately thick for his limbs and head, and his flesh is dotted with lumps of various sizes, the surfaces of which ripple with the fluid contained beneath as he walks.

He is a [Satyr] and is of slightly short stature, with hunched shoulders and a nearly bald head. A thin strip of grey hair circles the back of his skull from one ear to the other. The crown of his head is covered in various discolorations, and a few long strands of hair stick out from a few of them. His eyes are half-closed, but a lustful glint reflects from deep inside them. His legs are coated in a patchy layer of brown fur, and his hooved feet are chipped and cracked. His teeth are yellowed, and a few are missing, creating a gapped grin. A long, straggly goatee beard descends down from his chin to mid-chest level

He is a [Atavian] and is framed by two large, nearly skeletal protrusion. A few resilient feathers cling to the patches of flesh that remain attached to the raw bones of his badly neglected wings. His head is entirely bald, but a large wart sits regaly on the crown of his skull, oozing a reddish-brown substance. His mouth is nearly toothless, a single canine that hangs down in front of his lower lip is all that remains. His chin is virtually non-existent, and the front of his face simply disappears into his neck, setting his lower jaw much farther back than its upper counterpart. Long, bony fingers stretch from his withered, calloused hands. His legs are nearly atrophied from non-use, as he prefers to use the remnants of his wings to hover inches above the ground.

Haven't bothered to write ones for other races.

She is a graceful Tsol'aa and is reasonably tall, standing at a little under six
feet largely due to her long, tapered legs. Thick, silken locks in fall colours
cascade down to the small of her back in a rippling red-gold waterfall, a few
unruly strands framing an oval face. One particularly disobedient fiery curl
falls free to slightly obscure a pair of innocent forest green eyes, often wide
with innate curiosity. Her bright gaze is warm and intelligent, with an
ever-present sparkle that betrays her inclination towards laughter and mischief.
Below them, an aquiline nose precedes a sensual, full-lipped mouth. Smooth, pale
skin tinged with the pink of health encompasses her form, her naturally slender
yet unmistakably curvy figure evidence of her developing maturity. She carries
herself proudly, but not overly so, the natural grace of the Tsol'aa evident in
her fluid movements and gestures.

Redid it a few times, but at least it's shorter now.

He is a winged Atavian and is 6'3 feet tall. His eyes are yellowish-green and
the colors arange themselves as an overhead veiw of a sunflower on a grassy
field. His hair is chestnut brown, and has grown out over the years and fallen
to his shoulders, and he has not seemed to bother cutting it. His skin is
tanned from wandering among the wilderness for a long time. His wings are white
with a tinge of silver, with a wingspan of just about sixteen feet. His body
frame, moulded by the wilderness, looks strong, yet slender. His chest is wide
and well muscled, and his arms are pretty well muscled as well. You barely
notice the scar on his right hand, which makes up part of the root of a tattoo
of a tree with a flame at the heart of the tree The roots of the tree go all
the way down to the tips of the fingers, and the branches go up to the
shoulder. On the left forearm is a tattoo of Clio among the sycamores, soft
colors filling it in. His abdomen has a slightly chisled shape to it. His legs
are well muscled, but are still as slim as the rest of his body.

Tips would be appreciated!

Here is mine for Alyanna.... it's far from the best but I've been slowly modifying it since the summer and for the most part, I like it. I'll take constructive criticism.

She is a beautiful Siren and is a bit on the short side, reaching only 5'2".
Shining hair frames a face that is kind and shows a sense of humor. Her hair has
been layered and dyed an intense shade of auburn with subtle black low-lights to
break up the impact of the red. Behind sweeting bangs, falling to just above her
supple lips, hide slightly timid eyes of the most shocking shade of blue. Laugh
lines are beginning to form prematurely at the edges of her eyes that seem to be
staring to some far away place, with a sometimes vacant look; making her look
older, and as if scarred by experience. The pupils of her eyes have been somehow
magically spelled for the once plain, black pupil of each eye is now a deep
emerald in the shape of a miniature, rearing horse. Taking up a huge portion of
her right arm is rather painful looking brand of an intricate design. The brand
appears to be a knot of strings or lines woven chaotically together, with no
beginning and no end. The symbol is like nothing seen in these lands before and
must have been created by an ancient people. A thick, vertical scar runs in
between her right eye and eyebrow. On her forehead is another, less noticeable
scar. Several other unremarkable scars can be noticed upon her hands and face.
Although she has a tiny body the strong looking muscles tell you she is not
weak. The way she carries herself; proud, and confident, but not arrogant. On
her arms she wears hundreds of thin, iron bangles. Between the bracelets, along
her wrists, you catch sight of now now completely healed scars; from several
years ago, intersecting in all directions. These cuts appear again on her ankles
where her dress doesn't quite meet her sandals. It seems that they had been
carved there long ago with a rather dull knife out of desperation.

wtf... how would we know!

It looks pretty good! I'd suggest starting fewer sentences off with 'his'. And instead of 'You barely
notice the scar on his right hand, which....' you could maybe say 'barely noticable on his right hand....' or something like that.

My description. I keep tinkering with it, but it is essentially a paraphrase of the description of the eastern Rakh in C.S. Friedman's Coldfire trilogy. I enjoyed the Rakh so much that they are the entire reason that what had been a Tsol'aa character, that was heavily RPed as such became a Rajamala. A lot of the way I roleplay her is also distinctly rakh-like at least as much as is possible within Achaea's parameters.

She is a tiger-like Rajamala and is a bewitching, fastidious creature, with a lissome form and eyes that glow amber in the light. Her face is marked with the bands and stripes of a jungle hunter, sable upon titian, and it gives her expression a primal fierceness. A thick ruff of long silken hair, russet tipped in black, frames her head and shoulders in a corona flame. Though the underlying structure of her features are naturally humanoid, the markings make her seem doubly bestial, and like war paint on a human face hint at a ruthless, unforgiving nature.

When I go play sailor, depending on how long I do so (read a couple of IC months, or longer) I change her description to this for the next few years:

She is a tiger-like Rajamala and is a bewitching, fastidious creature, with a lissome form and eyes that glow amber in the light. Her face is marked with the bands and stripes of a jungle hunter, though her normally dark fur has been bleached by the unrelenting sun and salt of the sea. Ink black stripes now the shade of well mixed salt and pepper pattern her once titian now nearly blonde fur. Around her hands her colouring has grown so light that the ink of an elaborate henna tattoo shows through the almost translucent shafts of hair. A thick ruff of long silken hair, gone red gold from the sea, frames her head and shoulders in a corona flame. Though the underlying structure of her features are naturally humanoid, the markings make her seem doubly bestial, and like war paint on a human face hint at a ruthless, unforgiving nature.


---

Opinion only, but I've always disliked eyes described as "two" anything. The different races in Achaea are all fairly human in design (two arms, two legs, etc) and unless you only have one eye I assume you have two, and I'm sure so do most people. I just find it silly to describe yourself as having two eyes.


And I <3 Dethea's descriptions.

okily, let's be constructive

1- please don't tell us things we can't know by looking at you. Please don't try and enforce feelings and thoughts
2- okay.. wtf? Is there a ritual reason for this as some of the occies have with their oddities, or were you just trying to be unique?
3- please don't try and create mythology. Also, again, please don't try to enforce thoughts and feelings. I woudn't think 'oooh, that must be a symbol of ancient' I would think.. oh, swirly lines. Also, don't say 'never seen in these lands' because that looks pretty much like knotwork from your desc, or tribal markings, both of which are seen frequently in the game
4- don't tell me I catch sight of things. Don't tell me they healed years ago.. you might just have run out of mending. You might heal fast or slower than normal people. If they're there, then write them in, such as 'partially hidden by the bangles upon her wrists are several well healed scars, criss-crossing over each other upon the pale skin '
5- again, don't tell me they were done many years ago. Also don't tell me they were done with a dull knife out of desperation, how would I know this! You might have walked through a thorn bush for all I know.. but apparently I can see into the past

I have scars in Katia's desc, and burns and odd markings. I don't try and tell people where they came from in the desc, if people want to know, they can ask, if they don't, then they don't and they just know she's slightly marred.

Twasn't yours I don't think... was that one that involved words like "phallus". Granted it was completely IC but it still managed to scar both myself and Ethaya.