QUOTE(Tenebrus @ Feb 5 2008, 02:23 AM) 
As you glance down, you notice that his right hand is missing the smallest finger.
I was sure this was going to read 'As you glance down, you notice his right hand in your pocket'
Full Version: Your Descriptions
I was sure this was going to read 'As you glance down, you notice his right hand in your pocket'
QUOTE(Sindri @ Feb 25 2008, 02:22 PM)
QUOTE(Tenebrus @ Feb 5 2008, 02:23 AM)
As you glance down, you notice that his right hand is missing the smallest finger.
I was sure this was going to read 'As you glance down, you notice his right hand in your pocket'
He'd be an awful thief if he was that easy to catch.
QUOTE(Antonius @ Feb 26 2008, 04:17 AM)
He'd be an awful thief if he was that easy to catch.
Seeing and catching are two different things, he's a slippery little sucker!
QUOTE(Sena @ Feb 24 2008, 11:19 PM)
She is a tiger-like Rajamala and is small and lithe, causing her long tail to seem a bit out of place, being the same length as the rest of her body. You can clearly see that the rigors of combat have taken their toll on her body, with a toned, hardened body her skin hardened and slightly muscular, and a worn face showing her face shows the first signs of old age. She is covered in soft, white fur, with accented by dark bands of darker colored fur in a few places as well, the most clearly defined being a band of black fur around her neck. A few streaks of grey fur run through her tail, which fades into a soft, rusty color near the tip. Her eyes are a pale silver, and seem to reflect the color of her surroundings. Her hair matches her feline eyes in colour, with additional , similar in color to her eyes, with streaks of darker grey, and is pulled back in a tight braid, that reaches reaching down to the middle of her back. Barely visible in their retracted state, the tips of her claws glint dangerously, apparently dyed bright silver. You can see several runes scattered over her body, stained in her fur with blue ink. She grips a massive halberd tightly in her hands, the weapon looking to be at least two feet taller than she is.
Overall, I thought it was pretty good. I went through it to make some suggestions of my own, which you can take or not.
Bold is where I added to the description or reworded it, while I struck out what should be removed. Italics is where I wasn't sure or it wasn't necessarily bad, but I thought it could be reworded. From the looks of it, you've got the same kind of tendancy that I do; to add a bit of hesitation by using words like "seem" and "slightly". I've always been told to try and fix it by making it a little more forceful or bolder by shortening it up or using different words. For example, I changed "slightly muscular" to be "toned" in the second line. You could probably play around with some of the others if you so choose.
With the halberd line, just wanted to mention that most feel this is unnecessary, as we can see in the room desc that you're carrying a halberd, and if they're looking at your description, can probably guess that it's much much taller than you. Just a thought!
To make it easier, with the changes I mentioned, this is how it would look.
QUOTE
She is a tiger-like Rajamala and is small and lithe, causing her long tail to seem a bit out of place, being the same length as the rest of her body. You can clearly see the rigors of combat have taken their toll, with a toned, hardened body and a worn face showing the first signs of old age. She is covered in soft, white fur, accented by dark bands, the most clearly defined being a band of black fur around her neck. A few streaks of grey run through her tail, which fades into a soft, rusty color near the tip. Her eyes are a pale silver, and seem to reflect the color of her surroundings. Her hair matches her feline eyes in colour, with additional streaks of darker grey, and is pulled back in a tight braid that reaches down to the middle of her back. Barely visible in their retracted state, the tips of her claws glint dangerously, apparently dyed bright silver. You can see several runes scattered over her body, stained in her fur with blue ink. She grips a massive halberd tightly in her hands, the weapon looking to be at least two feet taller than she is.
Like I said, feel to pick and choose some (or none) of my suggestions!
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