This thread is a spot where you can post your description and hopefully get a hand with gramatical and spelling errors, as well as the general flow of your description.

So feel free to post your description for other's to look over. Also feel free to give words of advice for others!

We can start with mine.

There's mine!


Edit: ...oh yeah. And:

I'll post mine, too, for a little grook inspiration.

This is how I'd change it, given the chance. YMMV

EDIT: For fairness' sake, here's mine. It's been some time since I've touched the description, but I'm still a fan of simplicity.

Rho grasps the sides of his hood in either hand and pulls it deliberately from his face.

He is a winged Atavian and is a man of serious disposition marked with a smudge of blue ink in the middle of his forehead. Suspended just below his green eyes, a simple veil flutters gently as it hides his features from view. About his shoulders lies a heavy hood in deep folds, while above them he holds his bare and unadorned scalp as a testament to his humility and devotion. His frame, while not imposing by any means, is none the less carried with a dignity that commands respect. Occasionally breaking the stillness he carries with him, his tawny wings stir slightly as if testing the tenor of the breeze.

Rho raises his hood in a slow and measured movement.

He is a winged Atavian and is shrouded with a heavy hood, only the bottom edge of his
veil visible beneath it. His frame, while not imposing by any means, is none the less carried with a dignity that commands respect. Occasionally breaking the stillness he carries with him, his tawny wings stir slightly as if testing the tenor of the breeze.

fix mai descrip plz



EDIT: I use this one for Siren too, and it kind of bothers me that every Siren descrip begins with "beautiful". I realize that Sirens are -supposed- to be beautiful, but surely anyone can make themselves ugly, even a Siren?

Sirens are not ugly...if they were then they would just be a human. Uncanny beauty is the trait of sirens...though you can still describe them in a way that's neutral of opinion and minus the gigantic boobies that people seem fascinated with.


Guant should be gaunt Dethea. That kind of sticks out(at least to me) since it is at the start of your description.

Help me too, maybe?

Good idea, by the way, Valnyran.

That's so weird.

If I really let her go, Lachlan would look exactly like Dethea, except bald. Lachlan keeps her hood up and covering her most of the time (with similar emotes to Rho's), though, so as not to draw attention.



It's really strange to see, essentially, what Lachlan would like if she lived in Mhaldor.

I used to be in Viridian a lot, so you couldn't see my description, and I went 99% inactive before I could be bothered to make a new one.

That description is nauseating, Latus.

And, Dethea, on sirens being ugly, it's perfectly possible. But I always see them as having a sort of ethereal beauty, not quite purely physical. Seduce as an ability underscores that. I always think of what the Monster Manual (3.5) says about nymphs.



So it's beauty that goes beyond physical beauty. Dethea can be scarred, marred, gaunt, and hideous, but there will always be something hauntingly beautiful about her that can't be described (when in siren form).

I'm looking forward to the canonical fleshing-out of the mortal races that Penth has listed.

I haven't touched my description in a long time, since there was another topic about it. I wrote it more or less when I started playing Achaea. It needs a change since I don't spend most of my time in caves anymore. Still a lot in Hashan, though.

[Dwarf thing] and is small, even for a dwarf. His hair an beard are black, both going down to his waist. He is a little slim, with pale skin, and his complexion looks weaker that the average one for dwarves. He has tattoos in both of his hands, which are exceptionally big, like his eyes. These, like his hair, are completely black.

Halp mi native/good englash speekerrs.

Can Flair be made any more beautiful than this? Probably not, but I thought I'd see.

He is a Chaos Lord and is a grotesquely fat amphibian. His nearly pitch black
skin glistens with a putrid slime that smells of infection. A blubbery waddle
of double chin hangs like a flabby membrane underneath a slobbering mouth. His
fat, sausage like webbed fingers are adorned with long flaky, yellow nails. His face has
been warped beyond repair from years of Chaotic and Entropic study, and beady, fish-coloured
eyes stare blankly into nothing. The mark of the twin, "II", glows faintly upon his forehead, seeping pus.

I thought about adding boobies to Flair's desription as well, but we can just assume they're there.

The italicized are things I have questions about. Other than that, the format's the same as Rho's earlier post.

What do you mean by 'weak' complexion? Forgive my ignorance, but I haven't heard the term used before. If you mean he's pale, you've already said that. Otherwise, I have no idea what to say.

What are they tattoos of? Little details like that really help to flesh out the appearance.

What are black? The tattoos? Your eyes? Black eyes, aside from being creepy-looking, are also the sort of thing you'd need to explain anyway. A natural eye color is usually the best, and there should be a reason for your eyes to be abyssal pits.

Edit @ Flair: I'd tap that.

That's my main's.

May wanna add the word 'horns' in the second line, after 'Long.'

Nice spot, that. Thanks!

Someone go help Lyyra with her description (and her accent!)



Yes. I'm being snarky.

She may be a serpent, in which case the fangs are justified.

She also may have reincarnated from being an Atavian and has traits of her previous race. That's actually a relatively good description for a siren. No detailed description of her pectoral assets, no fluids dripping down her leg.

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

One thing I'm noticing is that almost all of your sentences start with some form of he. "He, his, his, long, his, he, his, his, his." Varying your sentence structure some might help make your description flow better. I'd also take out the part about fingers being held loosely at his side, because that's not going to apply when you're gesturing/gripping a weapon/doing most actions. Deep-set should be hyphenated and insert a space between sure and foot. Also, I think you mean "cheeks" instead of "sheeks". I really like the concepts though, and most of it seems to be firmly anchored in exactly what a person would see when they look at you.

You're combining a lot of ideas here. Take a look at the third sentence as an example - you're describing the brows, eyes, skin, and a beauty mark. I think your description would be easier to read if you broke some of those compound sentences down into simpler sentences. It'd be easier to follow exactly what you're saying if so many thoughts weren't combined into one sentence. Some of the tenses seem off as well, especially in the last line - perhaps "Colourful ribbons and sparkling jewels hold every ebony lock in place." would work better. I'm not sure what exactly is making a noise when you move. Is it the ribbons, the jewels, or the hair? What kind of noise is being made?

Reincarnation does not work like this. You discard your body and are given a new one. People with Gems of Transmutation do not become unformed Mhojave chaos-things.

This is not part of the official canon (though I believe it should be).

I'm offering an alternative explanation to the negative elements of her description.

Lyrra is an occultist...or was unless she's changed recently. I've had some good RP with her too.

I'll add that it's probably a good idea for your description to flow along the course you imagine an onlooker's gaze might follow. The description shouldn't jump around from your chin to your forehead, then to your ears, then to your fingernails, and then to your nose unless there's something that ties those traits into groups with common attributes.



That... has little bearing. I was being facetious with the "chaos-things" comment.

She's been a Jester for as long as I've known...though unfortunately, she's also had that accent for as long as I've known also.

Thanks! How I managed to miss that typo for something like 50 IC years is beyond me.

Voila, my contribution as a Xoran. It's been a little while since I've really given it an overhaul, but I wanted to give her a genuine look. Also, Xoran /= mammal!

I've always been a fan of detail, so I know it's a bit of a read.

Xorans do have hair, though. And with both Grooks and Horkvals possessed of mammary-like attributes, I can easily see a Xorani equivalent in the way of (off the top of my head) fatty tissue reserves.

I do not think this particular thread needs to be stickied at the moment. It is a very good one, though, and keep it going. There is absolutely no need to be snarky on this, note, though I am very much enjoying the constructive criticism.

When this gets long enough, we should be seeing patterns in what constitutes good descriptions, and what constitutes bad. At that point, we'll make a new, sticky description-help thread with a nice introduction to it.

Keep this going! And by all means, direct your friends to this thread who would not normally peruse this forum.

Iocun's:


I'll probably have to change the lithe and agile movements some time. Iocun's been riding so much that his legs must be quite stiff and bent by now. Who needs to be agile when you have a camel to do all the walking for you anyways?

Only the one change. Try to keep negatives out of your description. It sets a sort of tone by which you're judged. Not a big thing, but I really think it also helps the description flow better.

Thanks, good point!

Yep. Probably I made a bad translation from Spanish, I meant frame.



As the tattoos are small, so with a quick look at someone I doubt they would be able to see them in detail, so I left the description out.



Hmm... I don't remember what I meant by that... Probably tattoos.

Main - (Not Grignor, he's dormant!)

Current Alt of Choice -

In the first, I italicized a passage that I'm not sure is relevant. Let your actions speak to how dangerous you actually are. I changed the description of the horkval's coloration a little so that you didn't skip from describing color to the actual object's nature, and then back to the color again. The way it was felt a little disjointed. Also, don't say what emotions show on your face. It should be pretty obvious what emotions show there by how you act, but unless you walk around making odd facial features for no apparent reason, that's really not needed. Simply stating that the face is expressive should suffice.

My changes to the second were mechanical mostly. Making sentences flow a little more smoothly, correcting a tense error, and the like. By-and-large, I like that one, though.

Edit: I messed up quote tags.

Any help would be appreciated. I just sortof wrote mine in a hurry.



ROFL, I guess I never checked it after I made it. Obviously I need to change the first 'and is and holds himself...' also the double 'has' shortly after.

Hello, I have added to and subtracted from my description over... oh I don't know five years? If I had an idea I'd just find somewhere to stick it. It needs a haircut. I think I am the only one who reads it sometimes; it could use some simplification. I can't bring myself to get rid of all the details and really long sentences. Wanted him to look rather avian. Maybe someone can help me?

He is a winged Atavian and is like most atavians, lightly built in stature. He stands very tall, long and willowy, his skin fair and pale. Two wings protrude from his inner shoulders, large enough to cover his body. They are a magnificent shade of ebony plume, brooding and intimidating, with sparse clippings of blackened-green and purple accents; a myriad of cryptic trinkets and small beaded-sinew wards strung throughout. You take note of his long, powerful forearms and calves, both with a myriad of avian plume stemming from them. He hovers if not two inches off the ground with one knee slightly bent, his palms clearly visible inset with two ankhs. His exotic, yet handsome angular face, beholds two heavily enigmatic white eyes devoid of any pigmentation. His entire bottom lip has been painted black to the base of his neck in an incremented motif. The remaining of his grey hair is pulled behind by an intricate set of braids, lifted by a brilliant panache of oiled crow and dove feathers weaved with sparse strings of long sinew-beaded trinkets. His body being rather light and defined helps to show off his ashen paintings of woad. They adorn his back, face, and torso. They form swirling abstract insets with mystical patterns lightly covering his body in amazing line work. The tattoos over his entire body breathe an impetuous wrath, as they seem to come to life as he inhales. A guttural trill escapes his lips as the woad appear to come to life in an elaborate filigree upon his matured form.

Fixed the spacing

Edits struck through, additions bolded. Forgive any harshness you may perceive.

Italicised bits, in order

1.) A bit twisted. I'm not sure how much of this is crucial to have in the description and how much you can gather from just seeing what adorns you.

2.) You're making the observer take an action here, I'd rephrase. Also, Atavians don't have feathered limbs.

3.) You're not always hovering, nor are you always in this pose. Neither are your palms always visible.

4.) This seems a bit overblown, though admittedly I might not be privy to whatever RP that made you have such supernatural eyes. It strikes me as an RP shorthand for "I'm really important."

5.) Awkward, and a misuse of 'panache.' You can describe a small hair ornament of feathers a lot more succinctly than this.

6.) Your body being light doesn't do anything to show off paintings. The tattoos seem like another unnecessary "look at me" addition. Also, woad is blue and potentially non-canonical.

7.) This sentence forms an unholy pastiche of odd syntax, word misuse, perpetual action and over-the-top RP. None of this happens every time someone looks at you. If you want to bring this into your RP, make it a custom emote.

A note also on Rho's #1 point, italicized above.

Myriad is an adjective, not a noun (unless used substantively). 'A' is not needed. Neither is 'of.'

Anyone mind taking a look at mine?

Not entirely true. "A myriad of x" is technically "ten thousand xes," though it's also metaphorically interpreted as "an uncountable sum of xes." Assuming he had that many things weighing his wings down, the line is correct. I just maintain that it's overblown.

Don't be too specific. Don't speculate about the future. They are seeing what is, now. What is obvious physically. Satyrs don't have original legs. They stole them from goats.

All in all, quite good.

EDIT:

I don't think this is as much speculation as observation that you're not fully developed.

Awesome, thanks so much.

EDIT: Erm, that was to Rho's help. Erisycthon, I'm not saying that Parhelion is off to the gym to do weight-training - if you looked at him, you could tell that he's still quite scrawny but he's growing into his body.

Ah, kinda underdeveloped thing.

I misinterpreted that sentence. Sorry about that.

I don't really agree with a few of your statements but the additions I do like. The 'look at me factor' is actually how I perceived my character in my mind. I thought it somewhat odd you viewed it that way. While it seems the trend, I still agree with adding variations to your race that exemplify who you feel that character is. I don't believe with following anything 'succinctly' by any means. I do believe in consistency if you can believe those two things in the same sentence. I have no problem with it as it is apart of my character's roleplay. I didn't think people took it so seriously. Yes it is borderline but not over the line and it is consistent with my character.

I was trying to move away from first person view of myself to the third person which is why I asked for help. I agree with how you said, "on the point of the observer taking action." Most of my description is just ideas I have accumulated over the years into what I liked about my character. For a lot of my description I was trying to add parts of my roleplay.

Like I said it needed a haircut. Panache is a arrangement of ornamental feathers.. didn't think that was a misuse?

Thanks for the additions and the time you took to edit it. Just took it rather personally. Not the critique itself. I didn't feel you had to make such a broad point at debasing my ideas in their raw form for the sake of grammar. That is how I viewed it when I first read it.

Ciao, grazie.

As I said when I started, I meant no offense. I did find this to violate several personal principles of good descriptions, though.

1) Don't force action on the observer.

This one's self-explanatory. Basically, if you use any form of the second-person pronoun, you've violated it.

2) Don't refer to anything non-canonical or super-canonical.

Non-canonical can be something as blatant as a Colt .45 (gun or malt liquor, take your pick), or as subtle as woad here. I'm not saying that it doesn't occur, but why would blue ink not be sufficient? Similarly, the feathered limbs fly in the face of every other Atavian around. The canon gives you hard and fast lines you have to color within if you want your character to get any level of respect.

As far as super-canonical, I'd say the white eyes and ankhs would fall into that category. It's one thing to idealize yourself, it's another entirely to represent yourself as some godlike being in a context where that is laughable. The black wings border on this, but I'll let it pass.

3) Excess in detail is cliche and ultimately a hallmark of poor imagination.

A paragraph containing ridiculous excesses (the things hanging all over the wings, the tattoos) is laziness, pure and simple. It is the semblance of RP, devoid of any of the interpersonal relation that truly drives a story. When you read fantasy, do you wish that they'd spent more time describing every inch of the characters or more time developing the plot? Simple simple simple... let your actions fill in the spaces. Which leads to...

4) Descriptions are not emotes

The only action that belongs in a description is one that will occur every time someone looks at you, whether you're aware or not. Rho's description includes a subtle wing twitch, as that's a bit of a tic that occurs constantly. Dropping to your knees, having your tattoos writhe, trilling... none of that belongs there. I've got about three or four "flavor" emotes that Rho performs periodically as habit or as circumstance allows, but they're just that: emotes. Action is for emotes, description is for... well, descriptions.

Ciao, prego.

While your opinions I like very much and respect. The way you slant them I do not. I agree with a lot of that. Is this a book or something your reading this from that makes it law? Canon? Those are great rules to follow, granted we think a long similar lines I feel. However I don't think the same way you do and I don't perceive things the same way. When you use words like "dont" "must" you basically set up in my mind that you do not care with a word I have said. Do you know what pushing the envelope means or are you too caught up in what is correct and proper you cannot think outside the box.

I do not feel Rho that it is lazy or of 'poor imagination' as you said to add elements such as trinkets or other accouterments. Obviously you do not understand the use of a 'sandal strap' cross in my religious practices. How do you think new elements are added to the game? I use these symbols and they carry weiight in my Order's philosophy. I don't think you have the seat to determine what is 'super-canonical'. You could have to asked me a question to why I wrote certain things rather than saying no that's not how you do it your wrong. That way you could have made a bridge to carry your thoughts and be empathetic to what I was trying to describe.

Such as, "Why did you use panache, what are you trying to describe?" Without making me feel that my ideas are being overly dramatic.

Usually, Rho in my dealings with people. Asking someone not to take offense is telling them I hope you don't mind that this is my excuse to be an, excuse me, a**hole.

Believe me you've contributed to this forum quite a bit and I appreciate that, just not how you've slanted it to me. I'm not trying to create a novel, sorry to step on yours toes. I think it is foolish of you honestly to make people feel less of people regardless if you feel there is no logic to what I am saying. This is how I feel. Your crossing the line into what is right and wrong with who I am, in your view, ultimately.