[Dusty]

Post your descriptions, post tips and comments on others. Generally just a share and critique kind of thing.

He is a stout Dwarf and is fairly short, even though taller than most dwarves. His face is rough and worn from the years, though a thick yet short beard coversmost of his face. Falling from a straight part down the middle of his head, his dark brown hair, lacking any attention, lies in a complete mess down to his shoulders. Protruding from his hair are two large, nearly unseen pieces of fleshthat are most likely his ears. His eyebrows are thick and large, nearly forming one single eyebrow that sits over his eyes that have a faint hazel iris. Runningfrom his forehead over his eye to his cheek is a scar old in age, which origins are most likely linked to his endless wandering. He is wearing a humble wanderer's worn sandals, a star shaped badge, a storm grey cloak trimmed with silver runes, a shiny dwarven earring through his left ear, a simple bone ring, an Eleusian ivy scabbard, and a dashing crimson bandana.

After changes:

He is a stout Dwarf and is fairly short, even if taller than most dwarves. His face is rough and worn from the years, though a thick yet short beard covers most of his face. Falling from a straight part down the middle of his head, his dark brown hair, lacking any attention, lies in a complete mess down to his shoulders. Protruding from his hair are two large, nearly unseen pieces of flesh that are most likely his ears. His eyebrows are thick and large, nearly forming one single eyebrow sitting over his eyes that have a faint hazel iris. Running from his forehead over his eye to his cheek is a scar old in age, which origins are most likely linked to his endless wandering. He is wearing a humble wanderer's worn sandals, a star shaped badge, a storm grey cloak trimmed with silver runes, a shiny dwarven earring through his left ear, a simple bone ring, an Eleusian ivy scabbard, and a dashing crimson bandana.

This post has been edited by Dusty: Feb 3 2008, 11:20 AM

[Celedwyn]

He is a winged Atavian and is a rather short being by the standards of the males of his race, the top of his head hitting a diminutive five feet at the most. His frame naturally corresponds to his height by being rather slender and slight, giving him a body more akin to a Mhun if it weren't for the avian wings sprouting from his back. The weather of time has begun to show on him in various ways; no longer is he an awkward bodied youth for one, but rather his musculature has grown, clearly through rigorous training. But as toughened has as his body has become, his tight muscles still move with agility and grace more than sheer strength. The skin of his face is lightly tanned but well weathered; seeming to contain more frown lines above his brow than he should for his age. With the addition of brown eyes that show a certain weariness and thin, tight lips, he looks like he's aging before his time. Partially hanging over his face a little messily, his snow-white hair drapes down to sit just past his shoulders. Not necessarily messy, he clearly doesn't go to the trouble of making it neat. Noticably, his skin seems to be resisting tanning despite the look of someone who lives amongst the wilderness. Powerful muscles in his shoulders and chest power his impressively expansive wings, each of which as long as he is tall. The feathers are for the most part the same snow white as his hair, except for a brilliant band of sky blue running along the top of each wing, and a peppering of darker feathers randomly placed. The contrast gives the wings an impression of an inverted starscape.

This is the favourite of my descriptions.

Edit: if the description of his hair doesn't quite make sense, I meant that while it's not crazily sticking all over the place, he doesn't often take a comb to it.

This post has been edited by Celedwyn: Feb 3 2008, 10:28 AM

[Semfir]

I probably have my very old description somewhere around... I should update it a bit, methinks.

He is a stout Dwarf and is fairly short, even though taller than most dwarves. His face is rough and worn from the years, though a thick yet short beard coversmost of his face. Falling from a straight part down the middle of his head, his dark brown hair, lacking any attention, lies in a complete mess down to his shoulders. Protruding from his hair are two large, nearly unseen pieces of fleshthat are most likely his ears. His eyebrows are thick and large, nearly forming one single eyebrow that sits over his eyes that have a faint hazel iris. Runningfrom his forehead over his eye to his cheek is a scar old in age, which origins are most likely linked to his endless wandering. He is wearing a humble wanderer's worn sandals, a star shaped badge, a storm grey cloak trimmed with silver runes, a shiny dwarven earring through his left ear, a simple bone ring, an Eleusian ivy scabbard, and a dashing crimson bandana.

There are several places where you lack a space between words. Is that a parsing error, or does it actually look like that?

There are a few word repetitions that stuck out in my eyes. It's only a stylistic thing, though.

I would also object to the "humble wanderer's sandals," as they imply that you somehow know they belong to a humble wanderer just by looking at them. What if they belong to a snarky wanderer? Lastly, I don't think that bandana is particularly dashing.

Bonus points for being actually short.

This post has been edited by Semfir: Feb 3 2008, 11:12 AM

[Dusty]

Ya, the lack of spaces is from me putting everything on one line and not double checking. The repitition stood out to me as well, but I haven't bothered to fix it. As for the clothes, I love those sandals! The bandana I could do without, but there's not much that I seem to like out there, so I settled for something. Thanks for the tips, I posted the change in my original post.

[berenene]

This is my current one

Her straight hair falls across her shoulders and back, faded light grey with age. She has small crows feet wrinkles in the corners of her eyes. The colour of her eyes are constantly shifting, green one moment, grey the next. The nose is small and buttoned. Her lips are delicate and a soft red. Her ears are elongated and delicately pointed at the tip, but show their age as they droop slightly forward. Her chin is small and stubborn. Her face has its share of wrinkles and laugh lines. Her body, while still quite graceful, is slightly hunched with age and the skin on the back of her hands no longer snaps back with the elasticity of youth.

And before people start posting quotes from the help file saying that age has no negative affects in Achaea, I don't think wrinkles and grey hair are a negative anything of age

This post has been edited by berenene: Feb 3 2008, 11:58 AM

[Trevize]

He is a graceful Tsol'aa and is slightly taller than usual for his race. Hardened silver eyes gaze out from his gaunt face, above which jet-black hair lies in disarray. Deeply tanned skin covers his well-muscled, lithe form. He walks with the truefavour of Ourania. He is wearing an Amulet of the Moon, a ten-pointed star amulet, a flowing ebony cloak with an onyx crescent clasp, soft black leather boots, a viridian book satchel, black trousers, a stylish black button-down shirt, and a ring of pestilence.

Tips? Avoid passive sentences (are, is, and other forms of be) and past tense, don't describe actions or feelings (ESPECIALLY of the person reading it), don't mention anything they could not tell by looking at you.

This post has been edited by Trevize: Feb 3 2008, 12:07 PM

[Ravien]

She is a beautiful Siren and is a kindly looking creature. Tall and curvacious, this siren captures the poise and gracefulness her race often depicts. Her skin is smooth and tanned with a healthy glow about it. A band of thorns has been tattooed around her wrist. Her eyes wisened with age a soft hue of forest green, flecked with bursts of gold and framed by dark long lashes and dark shapely eyebrows. Her ebony coloured hair is as straight as an arrow to her mid back. Sections of her hair have been plaited randomly from her crown and one plait specificaly has been adorned with tribal coloured thread and a feather attached to the end. She is wearing a small, tanned leather pouch, a platinum and gold solitaire wedding ring, an Anachaine tribal tattoo, robes of delicate white silk and pink petals, furry werewolf boots and a short fringed suede skirt.

Mine tends to change on how I feel. If I am having a crap week then I'll just shove my messy one into my descp

[Thenidiel]

She is a Chaos Lady and is of diminutive height and build. She is largely hidden
between a tumbling torrent of shimmering black curls, which appear to have been
artificially coloured from whatever her original hair may have been. Her
haughty and gaunt Tsol'aa face appears unnervingly translucent, her whole body
so pale that the blue of her veins is unnaturally emphasised. Staring out from
her gossamer complexion are two deeply indigo eyes, swirling with the mixed
effects of Chaos and an insatiable curiosity. A series of ritual scars and burns
cover her body, most notably on her left hand which appears shrivelled and
distorted. A tattoo shimmers at the top of her spine where threads of green, red,
yellow, blue and white are woven together into a five-pointed star.

[katia]

She is a beautiful Siren and is small in stature, barely reaching 5 foot tall,
though there is no confusing her gently curved form for that of a child. Her
hair tumbles down her back in a midnight wave while her eyes are just as black,
pupil and iris blended perfectly into dark pools that reflect a cold hardness.
Her skin is pale, almost porcelain and her face is marked by a series of small
white scars on her jawline and forehead. Around her eyes there are faint burns
and scars, sweeping gracefully down her cheek. Burned into her upper arm is the
silhouette of a looming vulture, black against her white flesh. Her full, dark
lips rest in what could be a smile or a sneer, flashing a hint of fang.

note the lack of huge boobs, visible 'bits' blonde hair, giggle, or any of the normal siren descriptions.
Scars and burns are fairly recent... stupid mask... stupid curiosity!

[Dinkybarrel]

She is a stout Dwarf and is short, even for her race. She is slender in some parts and stout or tubby in others, as though her body couldn't quite decide if it were dwarf or human. She is a uniformly light tan where white scars do not criss-cross over her body. Her chestnut brown hair is shot with wings of silver at her temples and is twisted up into a loose bun secured by an ivory pin and bright red ribbons. Large blue eyes obscured by a film of white appear strangely alert despite their sightless appearance, her gaze darting from one thing to another as it catches her attention.

I haven't updated this since I came back.

[Mellisa]

She is a beautiful Siren and is small in stature, barely reaching 5 foot tall,
though there is no confusing her gently curved form for that of a child. Her
hair tumbles down her back in a midnight wave while her eyes are just as black,
pupil and iris blended perfectly into dark pools that reflect a cold hardness.
Her skin is pale, almost porcelain and her face is marked by a series of small
white scars on her jawline and forehead. Around her eyes there are faint burns
and scars, sweeping gracefully down her cheek. Burned into her upper arm is the
silhouette of a looming vulture, black against her white flesh. Her full, dark
lips rest in what could be a smile or a sneer, flashing a hint of fang.

note the lack of huge boobs, visible 'bits' blonde hair, giggle, or any of the normal siren descriptions.
Scars and burns are fairly recent... stupid mask... stupid curiosity!

Hehe, that is quite true. I never did try the whole huge breasts thing or giggling but I was blonde for a while.

edit:grammar

This post has been edited by Mellisa: Feb 3 2008, 03:41 PM

[Aviolana]

She is a graceful Tsol'aa and is of average height for her race. Her unusual
fire-coloured hair cascades around her body, stopping just short of her waist.
Emerald eyes peer from beneath slightly arched brows, mischief clearly seen in
their depths. Her heart-shaped face attributes to softly curved lips, a small
nose, dimpled cheeks, and a stubborn chin. Well toned muscles are evident,
though not extracting from her fragile appearance. A petite waist, slender hips
and slim legs add to the delicate illusion.

[Celedwyn]

note the lack of huge boobs, visible 'bits' blonde hair, giggle, or any of the normal siren descriptions.
Scars and burns are fairly recent... stupid mask... stupid curiosity!

Don't even give anyone something nice to look at while you're killing them/stealing everything they own. And you call yourself a Siren!

Edit: Also, does anyone have any thoughts of mine? I'm one of the few male descriptions in this thread so far, heh.

This post has been edited by Celedwyn: Feb 3 2008, 05:07 PM

[Korben]

He is a lizard-like Xoran and is tall and lean. His body is covered with large,
cobalt blue scales that hurt your eyes as they glint in the sunlight. His head
is shaved completely bald. His reptilian face is completely expressionless, but
there is a glint of curiosity or perhaps amusement deep in his azure,
slit-pupilled eyes.

Not ideal, if I ever get around to reworking it I want to remove the sunlight reference and that 'your'.

[Thenidiel]

He is a winged Atavian and is a rather short being by the standards of the males of his race, the top of his head hitting a diminutive five feet at the most. His frame naturally corresponds to his height by being rather slender and slight, giving him a body more akin to a Mhun if it weren't for the avian wings sprouting from his back. The weather of time has begun to show on him in various ways; no longer is he an awkward bodied youth for one, but rather his musculature has grown, clearly through rigorous training. But as toughened has as his body has become, his tight muscles still move with agility and grace (1) more than sheer strength. The skin of his face is lightly tanned but well weathered; seeming to contain more frown lines above his brow than he should for his age. With the addition of brown eyes that show a certain weariness and thin, tight lips, he looks like (2)he's aging before his time. Partially hanging over his face a little messily, his snow-white hair drapes down to sit just past his shoulders. Not necessarily messy, he clearly (2) doesn't go to the trouble of making it neat. Noticably, his skin seems to be resisting tanning despite the look of someone who lives amongst the wilderness. Powerful muscles in his shoulders and chest power his impressively expansive wings, each of which as long as he is tall. The feathers are for the most part the same snow white as his hair, except for a brilliant band of sky blue running along the top of each wing, and a peppering of darker feathers randomly placed. The contrast gives the wings an impression of an inverted starscape.

Errors bolded.

Particular points:

(1) This would sound nicer as 'rather than'.
(2) Pet hate of mine - contractions in prose lend it a character which neutral prose shouldn't have.

General:

A lot of your sentences start with 'The (noun)'. Try and vary your sentence structure a bit, as this will make it flow better.

You say his face is tanned but his skin is resisting tanning. Whilst I know you mean his body on the second part of that, it still can be confused. Perhaps rewrite this a bit.