[katia]

Taking up a huge portion of
her right arm is rather painful looking brand of an intricate design. The brand
appears to be a knot of strings or lines woven chaotically together, with no
beginning and no end. The symbol is like nothing seen in these lands before and
must have been created by an ancient people.

wtf... how would we know!

[Alyanna]

He is a winged Atavian and is 6'3 feet tall. His eyes are yellowish-green and
the colors arange themselves as an overhead veiw of a sunflower on a grassy
field. His hair is chestnut brown, and has grown out over the years and fallen
to his shoulders, and he has not seemed to bother cutting it. His skin is
tanned from wandering among the wilderness for a long time. His wings are white
with a tinge of silver, with a wingspan of just about sixteen feet. His body
frame, moulded by the wilderness, looks strong, yet slender. His chest is wide
and well muscled, and his arms are pretty well muscled as well. You barely
notice the scar on his right hand, which makes up part of the root of a tattoo
of a tree with a flame at the heart of the tree The roots of the tree go all
the way down to the tips of the fingers, and the branches go up to the
shoulder. On the left forearm is a tattoo of Clio among the sycamores, soft
colors filling it in. His abdomen has a slightly chisled shape to it. His legs
are well muscled, but are still as slim as the rest of his body.

Tips would be appreciated!

It looks pretty good! I'd suggest starting fewer sentences off with 'his'. And instead of 'You barely
notice the scar on his right hand, which....' you could maybe say 'barely noticable on his right hand....' or something like that.

[Aithne]

My description. I keep tinkering with it, but it is essentially a paraphrase of the description of the eastern Rakh in C.S. Friedman's Coldfire trilogy. I enjoyed the Rakh so much that they are the entire reason that what had been a Tsol'aa character, that was heavily RPed as such became a Rajamala. A lot of the way I roleplay her is also distinctly rakh-like at least as much as is possible within Achaea's parameters.

She is a tiger-like Rajamala and is a bewitching, fastidious creature, with a lissome form and eyes that glow amber in the light. Her face is marked with the bands and stripes of a jungle hunter, sable upon titian, and it gives her expression a primal fierceness. A thick ruff of long silken hair, russet tipped in black, frames her head and shoulders in a corona flame. Though the underlying structure of her features are naturally humanoid, the markings make her seem doubly bestial, and like war paint on a human face hint at a ruthless, unforgiving nature.

When I go play sailor, depending on how long I do so (read a couple of IC months, or longer) I change her description to this for the next few years:

She is a tiger-like Rajamala and is a bewitching, fastidious creature, with a lissome form and eyes that glow amber in the light. Her face is marked with the bands and stripes of a jungle hunter, though her normally dark fur has been bleached by the unrelenting sun and salt of the sea. Ink black stripes now the shade of well mixed salt and pepper pattern her once titian now nearly blonde fur. Around her hands her colouring has grown so light that the ink of an elaborate henna tattoo shows through the almost translucent shafts of hair. A thick ruff of long silken hair, gone red gold from the sea, frames her head and shoulders in a corona flame. Though the underlying structure of her features are naturally humanoid, the markings make her seem doubly bestial, and like war paint on a human face hint at a ruthless, unforgiving nature.


---

Opinion only, but I've always disliked eyes described as "two" anything. The different races in Achaea are all fairly human in design (two arms, two legs, etc) and unless you only have one eye I assume you have two, and I'm sure so do most people. I just find it silly to describe yourself as having two eyes.


And I <3 Dethea's descriptions.

[katia]

Here is mine for Alyanna.... it's far from the best but I've been slowly modifying it since the summer and for the most part, I like it. I'll take constructive criticism.

She is a beautiful Siren and is a bit on the short side, reaching only 5'2".
Shining hair frames a face that is kind and shows a sense of humor. Her hair has
been layered and dyed an intense shade of auburn with subtle black low-lights to
break up the impact of the red. Behind sweeting bangs, falling to just above her
supple lips, hide slightly timid eyes of the most shocking shade of blue. Laugh
lines are beginning to form prematurely at the edges of her eyes that seem to be
staring to some far away place, with a sometimes vacant look; making her look
older, and as if scarred by experience (1). The pupils of her eyes have been somehow
magically spelled for the once plain, black pupil of each eye is now a deep
emerald in the shape of a miniature, rearing horse. (2)Taking up a huge portion of
her right arm is rather painful looking brand of an intricate design. The brand
appears to be a knot of strings or lines woven chaotically together, with no
beginning and no end. The symbol is like nothing seen in these lands before and
must have been created by an ancient people (3). A thick, vertical scar runs in
between her right eye and eyebrow. On her forehead is another, less noticeable
scar. Several other unremarkable scars can be noticed upon her hands and face.
Although she has a tiny body the strong looking muscles tell you she is not
weak. The way she carries herself; proud, and confident, but not arrogant. On
her arms she wears hundreds of thin, iron bangles. Between the bracelets, along
her wrists, you catch sight of now now completely healed scars; from several
years ago, intersecting in all directions.(4) These cuts appear again on her ankles
where her dress doesn't quite meet her sandals. It seems that they had been
carved there long ago with a rather dull knife out of desperation.(5)

okily, let's be constructive

1- please don't tell us things we can't know by looking at you. Please don't try and enforce feelings and thoughts
2- okay.. wtf? Is there a ritual reason for this as some of the occies have with their oddities, or were you just trying to be unique?
3- please don't try and create mythology. Also, again, please don't try to enforce thoughts and feelings. I woudn't think 'oooh, that must be a symbol of ancient' I would think.. oh, swirly lines. Also, don't say 'never seen in these lands' because that looks pretty much like knotwork from your desc, or tribal markings, both of which are seen frequently in the game
4- don't tell me I catch sight of things. Don't tell me they healed years ago.. you might just have run out of mending. You might heal fast or slower than normal people. If they're there, then write them in, such as 'partially hidden by the bangles upon her wrists are several well healed scars, criss-crossing over each other upon the pale skin '
5- again, don't tell me they were done many years ago. Also don't tell me they were done with a dull knife out of desperation, how would I know this! You might have walked through a thorn bush for all I know.. but apparently I can see into the past

I have scars in Katia's desc, and burns and odd markings. I don't try and tell people where they came from in the desc, if people want to know, they can ask, if they don't, then they don't and they just know she's slightly marred.

This post has been edited by katia: Feb 4 2008, 06:19 AM

[Ethaya]

There aren't enough Satyrs around.

He is a horned Satyr and is broad of shoulder and strong of hoof. His height is fairly average, he seems to look almost unremarkable and nondescript until you notice the glean in his piercing hazel eyes, only accentuated by dark, menacing eyebrows. Appearing solemn, stern and unyielding at first glance, his face also appears to be a completely impassive mask. His mouth reveals nothing, merely a small hard line above a neatly trimmed beard. Two small tan coloured horns protrude from the top of his forehead amidst flowing black hair, liberally streaked with grey.

That's cause satyrs are like sirens only scary. I once saw a "ritual" that resulted in a satyr being summoned. I'm still scarred from that.

Twasn't yours I don't think... was that one that involved words like "phallus". Granted it was completely IC but it still managed to scar both myself and Ethaya.

[Thenidiel]

Further to Katia's point about scars - it's possible to tell if scars have been ritually made, or at least to guess (because they'll be ordered, patterned, clearly defined), but you're not going to be able to go "aha, this must have been made by a dirk using a particular sort of venom to create the greatest wound".

[sobriquet]

He is a radiant Immortal and is towering above those around Him, looming at just
over seven feet in height. Wild jet black hair crowns His pale, flawless face,
greatly contrasting with the ice-blue colour of His cold eyes, and a frenzied
grin dominates His facial expression. A chaotic aura of multi-coloured light
surrounds His well-toned, muscular form, pulsing intermittently with each breath
He takes. His upper left arm is blemished by a large scar, a remnant of where
the kris dagger struck Him so long ago. He is wearing an obsidian quiver of
shooting stars, the Gauntlets of Strife, a marble gambling chip suspended by a
golden chain around His neck, 2 transparent scabbards of chaos, an ebony toga,
and black leather sandals

If a Divine find scars ok, I guess mortals can too. Simply described though.

[Ilial]

I think the difference is, Divine history is normally common knowledge, whereas the average player does not have their history public, so there is no way to know where such and such scar came from. This is especially true with those who have several scars. If you want to say where your scars/tattoos/etc came from in your description, at least make it public knowledge however you can (probably the background feature)

[Horuce]

He is a Mhun and is standing a lanky five foot eleven, his head shaven to baldness, the milky white of his albino skin a quite contrast to that of his steel gray eyes, his frame though lanky supporting lean and toned muscles. His posture straight and formal, giving a air of rigidness but is off set by the near perment grin, a grin that if one would look closely would reveal two serpent fangs, the two fangs barely jutting out from his upper lip. Upon his right hand is a birth mark or scar its shape in the form of a star.

hrm, I know it isn't the best in the world but I've been told I look pretty cool and decent but that's me

[Sena]

He is a Mhun and is standing a lanky(1) five foot eleven, his head shaven to baldness, the milky white of his albino skin a quite contrast(2) to that of his steel gray eyes, his frame though lanky(1) supporting lean and toned muscles. His posture straight and formal, giving a air of rigidness but is off set by the near perment grin, a grin that if one would look closely would reveal two serpent fangs, the two fangs barely jutting out from his upper lip.(3) Upon his right hand is a birth mark or scar its shape in the form of(4) a star.

hrm, I know it isn't the best in the world but I've been told I look pretty cool and decent but that's me

1. You mention your lankiness twice, not a big deal, but slightly repetitive.

2. This should be worded differently, it could be 'quite a contrast' or 'a stark contrast' or something similar.

3. Lots of problems here, run-on sentence, horrid grammar, misspelling, repetitive. There are several ways to rewrite it, an example would be:
His posture is straight and formal, giving an air of rigidity that is off set by a near permanent grin, which conceals two serpent fangs, barely jutting out from his upper lip.

4. This is a bit redundant, and not the best grammar. I would use either shape or form, not both, and add a comma.
Upon his right hand is a birth mark or scar, in the shape of a star.
Personally, I would rewrite it completely to sound better. 'Upon his right hand is a star-shaped birth mark or scar.'

This post has been edited by Sena: Feb 4 2008, 03:03 PM

[Valnyran]

Just a general note, but I'm not sure how people can tell exact height just by looking at people.

One part of my job is that I have to input people's heights for a test, I can have a general clue how tall they are but I never know exactly. If people are sitting, laying down then it throws off your entire perception of them.

So please, please, please don't say she is 5'7 3/4 inches tall. You can probably throw in the number of feet but adding the inches is just silly.

If he is 5' 11'' then say he is just under 6 feet tall.

If she is 5' 2'' then say she barely tops 5 feet.

[Riashain]

Just a general note, but I'm not sure how people can tell exact height just by looking at people.

One part of my job is that I have to input people's heights for a test, I can have a general clue how tall they are but I never know exactly. If people are sitting, laying down then it throws off your entire perception of them.

So please, please, please don't say she is 5'7 3/4 inches tall. You can probably throw in the number of feet but adding the inches is just silly.

If he is 5' 11'' then say he is just under 6 feet tall.

If she is 5' 2'' then say she barely tops 5 feet.

But I'm 4'9 3.4534636"

[Ethaya]

Just a general note, but I'm not sure how people can tell exact height just by looking at people.

One part of my job is that I have to input people's heights for a test, I can have a general clue how tall they are but I never know exactly. If people are sitting, laying down then it throws off your entire perception of them.

So please, please, please don't say she is 5'7 3/4 inches tall. You can probably throw in the number of feet but adding the inches is just silly.

If he is 5' 11'' then say he is just under 6 feet tall.

If she is 5' 2'' then say she barely tops 5 feet.

...I never thought of that. Now I'll have to change mine.

[Valnyran]

Just a general note, but I'm not sure how people can tell exact height just by looking at people.

One part of my job is that I have to input people's heights for a test, I can have a general clue how tall they are but I never know exactly. If people are sitting, laying down then it throws off your entire perception of them.

So please, please, please don't say she is 5'7 3/4 inches tall. You can probably throw in the number of feet but adding the inches is just silly.

If he is 5' 11'' then say he is just under 6 feet tall.

If she is 5' 2'' then say she barely tops 5 feet.

But I'm 4'9 3.4534636"

NO!!

Bad Ria.

*thwap*

[Viera]

There aren't enough Satyrs around.

He is a horned Satyr and is broad of shoulder and strong of hoof. His height is fairly average, he seems to look almost unremarkable and nondescript until you notice the glean in his piercing hazel eyes, only accentuated by dark, menacing eyebrows. Appearing solemn, stern and unyielding at first glance, his face also appears to be a completely impassive mask. His mouth reveals nothing, merely a small hard line above a neatly trimmed beard. Two small tan coloured horns protrude from the top of his forehead amidst flowing black hair, liberally streaked with grey.

That's cause satyrs are like sirens only scary. I once saw a "ritual" that resulted in a satyr being summoned. I'm still scarred from that.

Twasn't yours I don't think... was that one that involved words like "phallus". Granted it was completely IC but it still managed to scar both myself and Ethaya.

No, I know it wasn't mine. It's scarred me, too.