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What have you designed today?

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  • TahquilTahquil Posts: 3,790Member @@ - Legendary Achaean
    I already backed off 2 posts ago. Chiiiiiillllll. I just have to point out that im not trying to bait you into an arguement and this jimmy rustling affect i seem to have on you is 100% ef-fort-less. So i have that going for me as well.
  • KresslackKresslack Florida, United StatesPosts: 5,639Member @@ - Legendary Achaean
    edited January 17
    Oh well, nvm.


  • AhmetAhmet Wherever I wanna bePosts: 3,343Member @@ - Legendary Achaean
    edited January 17
    In hopes that you both stop posting to grind each others gears, have another design you can rip into:

    Appearance (short_desc)
    a crude stone ring
    Dropped (long_desc)
    Simple and unrefined, a stone ring lies here.
    Examined (extended_desc)
    Of seemingly crude design, this ring is composed of speckled stone so frequently varied that the 
    base material it was hewn from is nigh indistinguishable. The exterior of this simple band is rough 
    and jagged, chiseled in large chunks from the original stone. The inner band, however, has been 
    smoothed and worked to a polished, glossy sheen, contrasting the rough outer band with a well-kept 
    and carefully prepared touch.
    Huh. Neat.
  • TahquilTahquil Posts: 3,790Member @@ - Legendary Achaean
    'chiseled in large chunks' gives me the impression the ring is made up of different sections stuck together. 'Chiseled in large strikes' or something similiar would make more sense (to me) if you mean the whole ring to be formed from one piece.
    Ahmet
  • NazihkNazihk Posts: 779Member @ - Epic Achaean
    I would go more like "The ring has been roughly chiseled out of the stone, with jagged edges irregular facets and whatnot and such"
  • AegothAegoth Posts: 2,190Member @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Someone make me a hat made out of stalactite
  • KryptonKrypton shi-KhurenaPosts: 2,267Member @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Looks more like a stalagmite to me.
    (Mhaldor): Herenicus says, "Apologies, I am in-and-out of hold with Verizon wireless customer service."
    Kyrra
  • TreyTrey Posts: 4,530Member @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Kresslack said:
    One can only hope, because I'm finding this a little reminiscent of the last time you put this much effort into baiting me into an argument, and that's a moment best left in the past.

    So, once again, I motion to just move past it all entirely, as none of this is very important to begin with, and doesn't warrant such attention.

    Edit: As an aside, as I mentioned I do see the point people are making, and will keep it in mind for future reference.
    As -constructive- criticism, "has been" is entirely passive, a lot of my earlier stuff was like this before Clementius (miss you, Jay!) beat it out of me. He didn't exactly call it lazy, but that's how it feels now. That aside, the mental image I have in my head of these isn't bad, I like the concept at least.

    Also, obligatory "Jesus Christ, Marie" regarding you correcting me that they're mineral deposits.

    KryptonKresslackAereidhnaHalos
  • KresslackKresslack Florida, United StatesPosts: 5,639Member @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Trey said:
    Kresslack said:
    One can only hope, because I'm finding this a little reminiscent of the last time you put this much effort into baiting me into an argument, and that's a moment best left in the past.

    So, once again, I motion to just move past it all entirely, as none of this is very important to begin with, and doesn't warrant such attention.

    Edit: As an aside, as I mentioned I do see the point people are making, and will keep it in mind for future reference.
    As -constructive- criticism, "has been" is entirely passive, a lot of my earlier stuff was like this before Clementius (miss you, Jay!) beat it out of me. He didn't exactly call it lazy, but that's how it feels now. That aside, the mental image I have in my head of these isn't bad, I like the concept at least.

    Also, obligatory "Jesus Christ, Marie" regarding you correcting me that they're mineral deposits.
    Yeah, the passive voice is an old habit I'm working to break since someone else recently point it out as well.

    Noted on both accounts though, and thanks.


    Siduri
  • MadelyneMadelyne East Coast, USAPosts: 89Member ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    Ryzeth said:
    Thanks @Madelyne for the help :)


    You did a great job enhancing the design with your personal touches. It looks great!
  • MadelyneMadelyne East Coast, USAPosts: 89Member ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    Ahmet said:
    We're all on the same side here, folks. I'm sure the admin team has a lot to do, and they're much more lenient with customisations than they are with designs.
    Amen. It's discouraging to get a design back multiple times from the Crafter's Union with the knowledge that customisations would have approved it the first time out. The simple answer, for me, is to try and hold my personal standards to the higher ones of the Crafter's Union - eliminating passive voice being the biggest one, closely followed by show don't tell.
    SiduriAereidhna
  • MadelyneMadelyne East Coast, USAPosts: 89Member ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    I designed this last spring after killing the slugbeast an insane amount of times for a house hunting competition.

    a skewered fillet of roasted slugbeast

    An eyestalk peeks up from a skewer of roasted slugbeast here.

    A long, wooden skewer holds a tender fillet of slugbeast. Roasted to medium-well, the inside of the meat displays a hint of pink in the middle with dark brown charring on the surface. The texture of the lightly salted meat is stiff with little give. Tiny cuts along the sides represent the beast's tentacles and an olive at the top of the meat resembles its evil eyestalk. Like the viscous bile spewed from the slugbeast's strange proboscis of a mouth, a mucus-like sauce covers the exterior of the meat. Free of the deadly toxins the creature uses to attack its enemies, the sauce emits flavours of sweet clover honey, spicy garlic, and pungent freshly-cracked white peppercorns that enhance the taste of the roasted meat.
    KresslackAereidhna
  • CoamenelCoamenel Posts: 188Member ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    Those living in the cities of Achaea will now find one of these hanging around, along with several other locations throughout the lands:

    Nature forgives:
    [Rough strokes have been used with a variety of natural dyes to paint the scene.]

    [A deserted city lies in ruins atop of a hill under a blue sky, its streets empty and quiet. Scattered randomly throughout the city, saplings grow steadily towards the sun warm embrace, while the forest outside the urbanities creeps closer and closer to its boundaries. That what is left of the once so tall buildings are now a few crumbled walls covered with ivy, the vines patiently reclaiming the land inch by inch. The black clouds of heavy industries have perished and been replaced with numerous colourful birds flying through the air.]

    The falsity of urbanisation shall be undone and the land returned to Nature.


    Nature provides:
    [Rough strokes have been used with a variety of natural dyes to paint the scene.]

    [Throughout a deep-green forest of towering oaks runs a clear ankle-deep creek, in which a man stands with a fishing pole in his hands. A bait bucket sits on the bank of the creek, a net with the catch of the day rests in the water to keep the fish fresh for consumption. A little further down the stream sits a woman, a group of children sitting in a circle around her. A stick in her hand points at the flora growing at the base of a tree, her other hand depicting a motion as if to pluck something out of the ground. Besides each child lies a small group of freshly harvested plants along with a wooden pot.]

    Nature provides all you need for your survival. You must only heed Her lessons.


    Nature survives:
    [Rough strokes have been used with a variety of natural dyes to paint the scene.]

    [A man clad in leather sits on his knees between two tall willow trees, his environment blackened and charred. No flora lives here anymore as it has been exterminated by an unknown individual. Brightly coloured birds sing their song high up in the trees, as if the extermination never took place. A pair of squirrels chase each other through the lower branches, causing leaves to gently whirl towards the violated ground. The hands of the man are cupped around a fragile seedling, hovering above a shallow hole freshly dug in the earth. The bright green leaves of some recently planted saplings stand out against the barren husks of the old forest, their leaves waving on a gentle breeze.]

    Nature will endure, but to aide Nature is to aide yourself.


    Cycle of Nature:
    [Rough strokes have been used with a variety of natural dyes to paint the scene.]

    [Bleeding out on a field of tall grass lies a buffalo slain, its intestines brutally ripped out of its corpse. Their pelts stained with fresh blood a few young jaguar cubs roll about the field, playfully pouncing each other after their abundant meal. Watching over her cubs lies a black-spotted jaguar. Catching her breath after the hunt, her eyes scan her surroundings for danger. Being careful not to draw the attention of the jaguar on him a lone black hyena lurks restlessly behind a slope in the grasslands, his eyes fixed on the corpse of the buffalo.]

    Your life shall return to Nature's embrace eventually.

  • HalosHalos San FranciscoPosts: 1,432Member @@ - Legendary Achaean
    needs more aids and fewer aides

  • HalosHalos San FranciscoPosts: 1,432Member @@ - Legendary Achaean
    I mean you misspelled it. 

    also what are natural dyes 

    or rather

    what aren't natural dyes. There aren't exactly factories manufacturing red #4 in Achaea (are they?). I can't tell if the use of this word is a faction philosophy thing I should ask ig or just a typo (I figured it wasn't, since typically people tend to Capitalize Special Codewords in their Ethos)

    I like this btw. More public propaganda efforts pls

    Shirszae
  • CoamenelCoamenel Posts: 188Member ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    Halos said:
    needs more aids and fewer aides
    Well derp 
  • KryptonKrypton shi-KhurenaPosts: 2,267Member @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Halos said:
    what aren't natural dyes.
    Formulation?
    (Mhaldor): Herenicus says, "Apologies, I am in-and-out of hold with Verizon wireless customer service."
  • VesiosVesios Posts: 243Member ✭✭✭✭ - Eminent
    I assumed "natural dyes" meant like crushed flower petals/saps/whatever taken directly from nature instead of, say, magically created in a laboratory or bought from a store in Cyrene for gold

    but that could just be my fellow filthy treehugger bias coming through
    CoamenelAereidhna
  • HalosHalos San FranciscoPosts: 1,432Member @@ - Legendary Achaean
    edited January 23
    Coamenel said:

    Colour of Nature:
    [Rough strokes have been used with a variety of natural dyes to paint the scene.]

    [Bleeding out on a field of tall grass lies a buffalo slain, its intestines brutally ripped out of its corpse. Wicked cleaver in hand, Coamenel leans over the steaming carcass, cheerfully extracting its curled horns for natural dyeing of propaganda posters later.]

    Nature provides!
    +1

    SkyeEhene
  • TaryiusTaryius Posts: 318Member ✭✭✭✭ - Eminent
    So, I was hoping all the lovely people here would be willing to help me
    I want to customize my new pair of eagle wings, I managed to come up with something but I've never really designed anything so some feedback/grammatical errors/streamlining/tips to improve would be awesome!

    All criticism is wanted

    Shamanic wings of etched bone

    Tossed here is a mass of bone fragments, their shape roughly resembling wings.

    Two large skewers of aged bone, each bent to a slight angle, make up the spine and structure of these wings. Jutting off of these bone supports are a myriad of tinier splinters and fragments, held in shape by an unknown force. These shards of bone make up the body and mass of these distinctive wings. Upon closer inspection, it can be seen that each piece of bone has had a unique mural etched upon its surface. Each engraving seem to be a depiction of a Shamanic art, from spiritual communions, to cruel images of those suffering at the hands of curses and Vodun dolls. 

  • MadelyneMadelyne East Coast, USAPosts: 89Member ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    Taryius said:
    All criticism is wanted

    Shamanic wings of etched bone

    Tossed here is a mass of bone fragments, their shape roughly resembling wings.

    Two large skewers of aged bone, each bent to a slight angle, make up the spine and structure of these wings. Jutting off of these bone supports are a myriad of tinier splinters and fragments, held in shape by an unknown force. These shards of bone make up the body and mass of these distinctive wings. Upon closer inspection, it can be seen that each piece of bone has had a unique mural etched upon its surface. Each engraving seem to be a depiction of a Shamanic art, from spiritual communions, to cruel images of those suffering at the hands of curses and Vodun dolls. 

    Appearance - remember to start with a lowercase letter

    Dropped - This forces the viewer to assume they're wings. If you're going to do that, you might as well say they're wings. What if you went with something like this? -- A pair of wings lies in a mass of bone fragments here.

    Examined - Dissecting sentence-by-sentence here. ;)
    Two large skewers of aged bone, each bent to a slight angle, make up the spine and structure of these wings. -- You might consider adding an adjective before wings, like gaunt, skeletal, or macabre.

    Jutting off of these bone supports are a myriad of tinier splinters and fragments, held in shape by an unknown force. -- Suggest using unseen instead of unknown. You know what it is, so it's not entirely unknown, but it sounds like it's not visible to mortal eyes.

    These shards of bone make up the body and mass of these distinctive wings. -- You use "bone" a lot in this description - in four sentences in a row, actually. Consider replacing with a synonym.

    Upon closer inspection, it can be seen that each piece of bone has had a unique mural etched upon its surface. -- The use of "has had" is passive and weakens writing. Try putting the murals as the subject and combining with the next sentence. For example - Upon closer inspection, murals etched upon the surface of the bone depict Shamanic arts, from spiritual communions to victims suffering at the hands of baleful curses and Vodun dolls.

    Each engraving seem to be a depiction of a Shamanic art, from spiritual communions, to cruel images of those suffering at the hands of curses and Vodun dolls. 
    ShaydeHalos
  • IniarIniar Posts: 79Member ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    Technically, mural should be used in relation to a wall or large permanent surface.
    Halos
  • KlendathuKlendathu Eye of the StormPosts: 2,627Member @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Each of the fragments has a unique yet complementary Shamanic image scrimshawed upon its surface.


    I like the sword scrimshaw :)

    Tharos, the Announcer of Delos shouts, "It's near the end of the egghunt and I still haven't figured out how to pronounce Clean-dat-hoo."
    Melaina
  • NazihkNazihk Posts: 779Member @ - Epic Achaean
    Halos said:

    Taryius said:

    Tossed here is a mass of bone fragments, their shape roughly resembling wings.


    I think your dropped desc is fine.
    Dropped desc is a problem for me because it is not immediately apparent what the keyword for them is. I see them on the ground. Do I get mass? Get bone/bones? Get fragments? Get wings?

    "Guess the keyword" is one of my least favorite activities in the game.
  • ShirszaeShirszae Caer WitrinPosts: 2,826Member @@ - Legendary Achaean
    When in doubt, IH

    And you won't understand the cause of your grief...

    image

    ...But you'll always follow the voices beneath.

    BadeMelaina
  • AereidhnaAereidhna DallasPosts: 645Member ✭✭✭✭✭ - Grand Achaean
    edited January 30
    Here is a reworked version because I was bored - feel free to ditch or not:

    appearance: shamanic wings of etched bone
    dropped: A mass of bone fragments scatters the ground, taking the shape of wings.
    examined: Two aged long bones, each bent to a slight angle, make up the spine of these wings. A myriad of tiny splinters and fragments of bone jut from the large skewers to create spidery pinions, held in shape by an unknown force. Each fragment bears a miniature etching of shamanic art, depicting a variety of diminutive images from spiritual communions to the cruel effects of curses. Both long bones bear a resemblance to totems, [I don't actually have any idea what shamanic totems look like nowadays so add something descriptive here].

    ideas: add more description regarding the etchings, be more descriptive re: what kind of bones (I assumed long bones like thigh, arm, etc. but perhaps animal's jawbones or whatever you were intending), add more detail to the pinions/feathers/outer edges of the wings, describe the rattle the bones make as the wings move (or the eerie silence as the fragments float through empty space, whatever).
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