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Descriptions Wanted 1.0

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  • KresslackKresslack Florida, United StatesMember Posts: 5,629 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Exactly right.


     


  • TahquilTahquil Member Posts: 3,455 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    edited April 12
    Sharp, suspicious, predator, narrow, accusitory, keen,
  • KalilaKalila Member Posts: 76 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    I'd love some comments too, if anyone wants!

    She is a lizard-like xoran. Two cresting fins rise proudly from her temples, going around her head
    and down her neck; they grow less pronounced as they go lower, merging fully with the rest of her
    scales between her shoulderblades. Her tail is a foot across at the base and narrowing to a whip-
    point, long enough to flick against the floor but not enough to drag. Wide, stunning emerald eyes
    stare out curiously at the world, perched above a short, delicate snout. In contrast to those fine
    features, a jagged scar runs down the right side of her face, well-healed and not recent but still
    and always a wound. A firmamental casing of scales protects her; their colour ranges from ivory on
    her stomach and the underside of her tail, to navy blue on her upper back, with clear cerulean
    predominant on her face. She stands at a typical height for Xorani, a shade over six feet tall; her
    figure is not quite filled out to match, with some definite muscle on her limbs and trunk but not
    enough to be a hulking presence - she is light on her feet and doesn't lack for youthful energy.

    Virgo
  • VirgoVirgo Member Posts: 62 ✭✭ - Stalwart
    Kresslack said:
    Ok, so currently can only access the forums from home where I'm already logged in. In any case...

    What I was going for was kind of a narrowed eyes type of look of someone who has spent most of their time out in the sun. It never occurred to me that 'hawkish' was an adjective in reference to the beak, so that's a bit h-awkward.

    If you've ever seen Tombstone with Kurt Russel, this is what I was wanting:



    Any suggestions?
    narrowed to a hawkish visage as he carefully surveys his surroundings

    " . . . narrowed to a predatory gaze as he carefully surveys his surroundings." 

    " . . . narrowed to a dangerously vigilant gaze as he carefully surveys his surroundings." @Kresslack


  • KryptonKrypton shi-KhurenaMember Posts: 1,693 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    "beady, squinty-eyed gaze"
    (Mhaldor): Herenicus says, "Apologies, I am in-and-out of hold with Verizon wireless customer service."
    Virgo
  • KenwayKenway San FranciscoMember Posts: 1,095 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Kenway said:
    Not really comfortable with my writing ability and worried this might sound weird cause it's a thrice(maybe more) modified version of my very first description. Have at it please!

    He is a human. Standing at six feet tall he is well built, with strong, broad shoulders and arms that terminate in calloused hands, criss-crossed with small scars. His hair is dirty blond, cropped close and clean about the temple whilst atop his head it grows free in untamed tangles. His distant eyes are a piercing blue, flecked with gold, small wrinkles sit in their corners, his cheeks worn and scarred by battle and the elements. His beard is short and trim, broken on the left side by a thin but jagged scar running from chin to cheekbone. A small slice has been taken out of his right ear, and the subtle arch of his right eyebrow is broken by the light tissue of an old cut, evidence of some long ago spar gone awry. On closer inspection, his left extremities are almost entirely pale and mutilated scar tissue, their flesh once charred by some fearsome flame.
    Believe this was missed amongst discussions of hawkishness. Have at it plz

    - Limb Counter - Fracture Relapsing -
    "Honestly, I just love that it counts limbs." - Mizik Corten
  • VirgoVirgo Member Posts: 62 ✭✭ - Stalwart
    Kenway said:
    Kenway said:
    Not really comfortable with my writing ability and worried this might sound weird cause it's a thrice(maybe more) modified version of my very first description. Have at it please!

    He is a human. Standing at six feet tall he is well built, with strong, broad shoulders and arms [1] that terminate in calloused hands, criss-crossed with small scars. His hair is dirty blond, cropped close and clean about the temple whilst atop his head it grows free in untamed tangles. [2] His distant eyes are a piercing blue, flecked with gold, small wrinkles sit in their corners, [3] his cheeks worn and scarred by battle and the elements. His beard is short and trim, broken on the left side by a thin but [4] jagged scar running from chin to cheekbone. A small slice has been taken out of his right ear, and the subtle arch of his right eyebrow is broken by the light tissue of an old cut, evidence of some long ago spar gone awry. On closer inspection, his left extremities are almost entirely pale and mutilated scar tissue, their flesh once charred by some fearsome flame.
    Believe this was missed amongst discussions of hawkishness. Have at it plz
    1. I'll suggest either adding a comma for "Standing at six feet tall, he is well built..." OR removing "he is well built" (it would still require a comma) for "Standing at six feet tall, he possesses strong, broad shoulders and arms..." That way, instead of outright saying he is well built, we can read about his general strength and broadness and go, "Oh, this fella is stronk, yanno?"

    2. The wording around where the hair is cut is a bit awkward. If I'm thinking of it right, he's got the hairstyle that's still pretty popular with white males these days, where it's cut low on the sides and back, and the top is longer and curly?

    3. Also just general wording awkwardness here. I'd suggest something along the lines of "His gold-flecked blue eyes seem a bit distant, their corners slightly wrinkled from frequent [smiles/frowns/age/whatever], while his cheeks...."

    4. This should be and or a comma, as the fact that the scar is thin doesn't have much to do with its straightness. A thin scar could be super straight or super jagged or curving or whatever other ways. @Kenway

    Kalila said:
    I'd love some comments too, if anyone wants!

    She is a lizard-like xoran. Two cresting fins rise proudly from her temples, going around her head
    and down her neck; they grow less pronounced as they go lower, merging fully with the rest of her
    scales between her shoulderblades. Her tail is a foot across at the base and narrowing [1] to a whip-
    point, long enough to flick against the floor but not enough to drag. Wide, stunning emerald eyes
    stare out curiously at the world, perched above a short, delicate snout. In contrast to those fine
    features, a jagged scar runs down the right side of her face, well-healed and not recent but still
    and always a wound [2]. A firmamental casing of scales [3] protects her; their colour ranges from ivory on
    her stomach and the underside of her tail, to navy blue on her upper back, with clear cerulean
    predominant on her face. She stands at a typical height for Xorani, a shade over six feet tall; her
    figure is not quite filled out to match, with some definite muscle on her limbs and trunk but not
    enough to be a hulking presence - she is light on her feet and doesn't lack for youthful energy.

    1. This should be "narrows". "Narrows" is one of those weird words in the weird English language that can also be a verb but something else (I forget what kind of word it can also be), but narrowing is entirely a verb. 

    2. This one is kind of awkwardly worded. The "still and always a wound" just jumps out as odd to me because we figured it's always going to be a wound, if we read about it. Also, the "not recent" part could be replaced with something better. I was thinking more along the lines of "... fine features, an old, jagged scar runs down the right side of her face, having healed well in times long past." The bold parts show better ways, imo, to show that it is pretty old, and the italics is something that could be deleted and still make a fine sentence. Generally speaking, people know scars are usually pretty old and healed, because they'd be either scabs and/or still bleeding/whatever, so these types of details are kinda irrelevant.

    3. I'm not sure what you mean by this.

    4. Since you say "typical height", you don't really need to specify her being a bit over six feet. You could leave it though, nothing wrong with it. @Kalila

  • KalilaKalila Member Posts: 76 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    Virgo said:
    Kenway said:
    Kenway said:
    Not really comfortable with my writing ability and worried this might sound weird cause it's a thrice(maybe more) modified version of my very first description. Have at it please!

    He is a human. Standing at six feet tall he is well built, with strong, broad shoulders and arms [1] that terminate in calloused hands, criss-crossed with small scars. His hair is dirty blond, cropped close and clean about the temple whilst atop his head it grows free in untamed tangles. [2] His distant eyes are a piercing blue, flecked with gold, small wrinkles sit in their corners, [3] his cheeks worn and scarred by battle and the elements. His beard is short and trim, broken on the left side by a thin but [4] jagged scar running from chin to cheekbone. A small slice has been taken out of his right ear, and the subtle arch of his right eyebrow is broken by the light tissue of an old cut, evidence of some long ago spar gone awry. On closer inspection, his left extremities are almost entirely pale and mutilated scar tissue, their flesh once charred by some fearsome flame.
    Believe this was missed amongst discussions of hawkishness. Have at it plz
    1. I'll suggest either adding a comma for "Standing at six feet tall, he is well built..." OR removing "he is well built" (it would still require a comma) for "Standing at six feet tall, he possesses strong, broad shoulders and arms..." That way, instead of outright saying he is well built, we can read about his general strength and broadness and go, "Oh, this fella is stronk, yanno?"

    2. The wording around where the hair is cut is a bit awkward. If I'm thinking of it right, he's got the hairstyle that's still pretty popular with white males these days, where it's cut low on the sides and back, and the top is longer and curly?

    3. Also just general wording awkwardness here. I'd suggest something along the lines of "His gold-flecked blue eyes seem a bit distant, their corners slightly wrinkled from frequent [smiles/frowns/age/whatever], while his cheeks...."

    4. This should be and or a comma, as the fact that the scar is thin doesn't have much to do with its straightness. A thin scar could be super straight or super jagged or curving or whatever other ways. @Kenway

    Kalila said:
    I'd love some comments too, if anyone wants!

    She is a lizard-like xoran. Two cresting fins rise proudly from her temples, going around her head
    and down her neck; they grow less pronounced as they go lower, merging fully with the rest of her
    scales between her shoulderblades. Her tail is a foot across at the base and narrowing [1] to a whip-
    point, long enough to flick against the floor but not enough to drag. Wide, stunning emerald eyes
    stare out curiously at the world, perched above a short, delicate snout. In contrast to those fine
    features, a jagged scar runs down the right side of her face, well-healed and not recent but still
    and always a wound [2]. A firmamental casing of scales [3] protects her; their colour ranges from ivory on
    her stomach and the underside of her tail, to navy blue on her upper back, with clear cerulean
    predominant on her face. She stands at a typical height for Xorani, a shade over six feet tall; her
    figure is not quite filled out to match, with some definite muscle on her limbs and trunk but not
    enough to be a hulking presence - she is light on her feet and doesn't lack for youthful energy.

    1. This should be "narrows". "Narrows" is one of those weird words in the weird English language that can also be a verb but something else (I forget what kind of word it can also be), but narrowing is entirely a verb. 

    2. This one is kind of awkwardly worded. The "still and always a wound" just jumps out as odd to me because we figured it's always going to be a wound, if we read about it. Also, the "not recent" part could be replaced with something better. I was thinking more along the lines of "... fine features, an old, jagged scar runs down the right side of her face, having healed well in times long past." The bold parts show better ways, imo, to show that it is pretty old, and the italics is something that could be deleted and still make a fine sentence. Generally speaking, people know scars are usually pretty old and healed, because they'd be either scabs and/or still bleeding/whatever, so these types of details are kinda irrelevant.

    3. I'm not sure what you mean by this.

    4. Since you say "typical height", you don't really need to specify her being a bit over six feet. You could leave it though, nothing wrong with it. @Kalila

    Thanks a lot for the feedback!

    I ended up specifying the height, because people were too lazy to read HELP XORANI, to figure out what the typical height for the race was, and assumed she was 4-5 feet. It got annoying :pensive:
    Virgo
  • VirgoVirgo Member Posts: 62 ✭✭ - Stalwart
    Kalila said:
    Virgo said:
    Kenway said:
    Kenway said:
    Not really comfortable with my writing ability and worried this might sound weird cause it's a thrice(maybe more) modified version of my very first description. Have at it please!

    He is a human. Standing at six feet tall he is well built, with strong, broad shoulders and arms [1] that terminate in calloused hands, criss-crossed with small scars. His hair is dirty blond, cropped close and clean about the temple whilst atop his head it grows free in untamed tangles. [2] His distant eyes are a piercing blue, flecked with gold, small wrinkles sit in their corners, [3] his cheeks worn and scarred by battle and the elements. His beard is short and trim, broken on the left side by a thin but [4] jagged scar running from chin to cheekbone. A small slice has been taken out of his right ear, and the subtle arch of his right eyebrow is broken by the light tissue of an old cut, evidence of some long ago spar gone awry. On closer inspection, his left extremities are almost entirely pale and mutilated scar tissue, their flesh once charred by some fearsome flame.
    Believe this was missed amongst discussions of hawkishness. Have at it plz
    1. I'll suggest either adding a comma for "Standing at six feet tall, he is well built..." OR removing "he is well built" (it would still require a comma) for "Standing at six feet tall, he possesses strong, broad shoulders and arms..." That way, instead of outright saying he is well built, we can read about his general strength and broadness and go, "Oh, this fella is stronk, yanno?"

    2. The wording around where the hair is cut is a bit awkward. If I'm thinking of it right, he's got the hairstyle that's still pretty popular with white males these days, where it's cut low on the sides and back, and the top is longer and curly?

    3. Also just general wording awkwardness here. I'd suggest something along the lines of "His gold-flecked blue eyes seem a bit distant, their corners slightly wrinkled from frequent [smiles/frowns/age/whatever], while his cheeks...."

    4. This should be and or a comma, as the fact that the scar is thin doesn't have much to do with its straightness. A thin scar could be super straight or super jagged or curving or whatever other ways. @Kenway

    Kalila said:
    I'd love some comments too, if anyone wants!

    She is a lizard-like xoran. Two cresting fins rise proudly from her temples, going around her head
    and down her neck; they grow less pronounced as they go lower, merging fully with the rest of her
    scales between her shoulderblades. Her tail is a foot across at the base and narrowing [1] to a whip-
    point, long enough to flick against the floor but not enough to drag. Wide, stunning emerald eyes
    stare out curiously at the world, perched above a short, delicate snout. In contrast to those fine
    features, a jagged scar runs down the right side of her face, well-healed and not recent but still
    and always a wound [2]. A firmamental casing of scales [3] protects her; their colour ranges from ivory on
    her stomach and the underside of her tail, to navy blue on her upper back, with clear cerulean
    predominant on her face. She stands at a typical height for Xorani, a shade over six feet tall; her
    figure is not quite filled out to match, with some definite muscle on her limbs and trunk but not
    enough to be a hulking presence - she is light on her feet and doesn't lack for youthful energy.

    1. This should be "narrows". "Narrows" is one of those weird words in the weird English language that can also be a verb but something else (I forget what kind of word it can also be), but narrowing is entirely a verb. 

    2. This one is kind of awkwardly worded. The "still and always a wound" just jumps out as odd to me because we figured it's always going to be a wound, if we read about it. Also, the "not recent" part could be replaced with something better. I was thinking more along the lines of "... fine features, an old, jagged scar runs down the right side of her face, having healed well in times long past." The bold parts show better ways, imo, to show that it is pretty old, and the italics is something that could be deleted and still make a fine sentence. Generally speaking, people know scars are usually pretty old and healed, because they'd be either scabs and/or still bleeding/whatever, so these types of details are kinda irrelevant.

    3. I'm not sure what you mean by this.

    4. Since you say "typical height", you don't really need to specify her being a bit over six feet. You could leave it though, nothing wrong with it. @Kalila

    Thanks a lot for the feedback!

    I ended up specifying the height, because people were too lazy to read HELP XORANI, to figure out what the typical height for the race was, and assumed she was 4-5 feet. It got annoying :pensive:
    Lol, people not reading in a text based game? The nerve xD
  • SeverinaSeverina Member Posts: 85 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    Kalila said:

    Thanks a lot for the feedback! 

    I ended up specifying the height, because people were too lazy to read HELP XORANI, to figure out what the typical height for the race was, and assumed she was 4-5 feet. It got annoying :pensive:
    But Xorani are so small..
  • KalilaKalila Member Posts: 76 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    Severina said:
    Kalila said:

    Thanks a lot for the feedback! 

    I ended up specifying the height, because people were too lazy to read HELP XORANI, to figure out what the typical height for the race was, and assumed she was 4-5 feet. It got annoying :pensive:
    But Xorani are so small..
    Oh gosh, there's no escape from you :heart:
    Severina
  • TreyTrey Member Posts: 4,223 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Kenway said:
    Kresslack said:
    Ok, so currently can only access the forums from home where I'm already logged in. In any case...

    What I was going for was kind of a narrowed eyes type of look of someone who has spent most of their time out in the sun. It never occurred to me that 'hawkish' was an adjective in reference to the beak, so that's a bit h-awkward.

    If you've ever seen Tombstone with Kurt Russel, this is what I was wanting:



    Any suggestions?
    Holy shit that's a fantastic film. My dear, you've set your gaze upon the quintessential frontier type. Note the lean silhouette... eyes closed by the sun, though sharp as a hawk. He's got the look of both predator and prey.
    Why Ed, does this mean we're not friends anymore? You know Ed, if I thought you weren't my friend... I just don't think I could bear it. 

    Kresslack
  • ZenithZenith Member Posts: 7
    I'd love to hear any suggestions or areas of improvement here. I'll probably expand this as Zenith experiences more of the world--it's a very straightforward description currently.
    He is a human of tall stature and thin build. Though his frame is narrow, Zenith's muscles are well-toned and suggest a very active lifestyle. His skin is mostly unblemished and sports a faint tan. Thin, unkempt hair tumbles down just above his eyebrows, with silky brown curls in a constant state of disarray. His thin face is youthful and clean-shaven, and his brown eyes often have a lively sparkle to them. He exudes an air of innocence that doesn't quite match the dignified, upright posture he often carries himself with. 
  • VirgoVirgo Member Posts: 62 ✭✭ - Stalwart
    Zenith said:
    I'd love to hear any suggestions or areas of improvement here. I'll probably expand this as Zenith experiences more of the world--it's a very straightforward description currently.
    He is a human of tall stature and thin build. Though his frame is narrow, Zenith's muscles are well-toned and suggest a very active lifestyle. His skin is mostly unblemished and sports a faint tan. Thin, unkempt hair tumbles down just above his eyebrows, with [1] silky brown curls in a constant state of disarray. His thin face is youthful and clean-shaven, and his brown eyes often have a lively sparkle to them. He exudes an air of innocence that doesn't quite match the dignified, upright posture he often carries himself with. 
    @Zenith Honestly, not much to say. I like the simplicity, and he really does seem like a blank canvas just waiting to be painted on (IE, experience appearance-influencing RP). I get a clear mental picture of a rather normal looking, decently athletic kid. Which, tbtf, isn't a normal image around here, lol. 

    1. This should be 'his', 'the', or nothing at all. "With" would mean that the majority of his hair isn't brown, and the ones that we do know the color of are like highlights. 


    On an entirely seperate note, my slightly updated description that I wasn't able to get some feedback on last time I posted.

    He is a winged atavian, an acrobatically built young man who stands at an inch or three above six feet. His light-brown skin is reminiscent of caramel, lightly shining with the vitality of youthful energy. Slightly upturned and heavily lidded, his hazel eyes oft lazily wander the vicinity, and his thick eyebrows are nearly perpetually furrowed in some incomprehensible emotion. His handsome visage is crafted of sharp angles and lines, the Mhaldorian's chiseled jawline tapering to a slightly rounded chin. The entire right half of his face is wholly hidden behind a mask of liquid obsidian, the material melded so with his skin that everything from his lavish sable lashes to his thick, shapely lips stand out in stark relief. Peppered across his slim nose and high cheekbones are dark freckles, virtually ebony in hue. Lightly gleaming with a light brown lustre, Virgo's mess of thick, lucious and dusky hazelnut curls brush his forehead, only long enough to cover the tips of his slightly pointed, elongated ears. Imposing wings of platinum feathers tower more than two heads above his own, strength and power evident in each flutter and twitch.
  • NazihkNazihk Member Posts: 430 ✭✭✭✭ - Eminent
    Zenith said:
    I'd love to hear any suggestions or areas of improvement here. I'll probably expand this as Zenith experiences more of the world--it's a very straightforward description currently.
    He is a human of tall stature and thin build. Though his frame is narrow, Zenith's muscles are well-toned and suggest a very active lifestyle. His skin is mostly unblemished and sports a faint tan. Thin, unkempt hair tumbles down just above his eyebrows, with silky brown curls in a constant state of disarray. His thin face is youthful and clean-shaven, and his brown eyes often have a lively sparkle to them. He exudes an air of innocence that doesn't quite match the dignified, upright posture he often carries himself with. 
    I like this style desc. Short and sweet. Tells me what you look like. Doesn't break out the Color Thesaurus. Doesn't give me half a screen of overwrought purple prose. Aside from that with->his change, A+ imo. 
  • DaeirDaeir AustraliaMember, Secret Squirrel Posts: 5,737 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    edited April 17
    I'd explicitly make the exuding portion refer to the contrast of features vs posture to imply the dissonance between innocence and dignity rather than expecting readers to make the leap themselves. If you have to use "quite" or nonspecifics in lines referring to abstract concepts of contrast then they're usually hamfisted and lost on 98% of people, from my experience.

    Good overall, though. Better than lots.
    :pleased::pleased:
  • VallieVallie Member Posts: 180 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    @Kalila - yaayyy Xorans <333! 3 minor things I would poke at - 'going around her head' to me initially implies they're sort of circling her like a crown. You could use something like 'running the length of her head', 'cresting the crown of her head before running down her neck', or so on. Nothing explicitly wrong, just a connotative difference (might just be me).

    Secondly, 'stunning emerald eyes' - to me this implies that the eyes themselves are stunning, but I think typically you mean that the colour is stunning, so I would move towards 'stunningly emerald eyes' so it targets the colour. There's also a minor connotative difference that removes the implication the eyes themselves stun you (in a violent sense) vs. look pretty.

    "She stands at a typical height for Xorani, a shade over six feet tall; her
    figure is not quite filled out to match, with some definite muscle on her limbs and trunk but not
    enough to be a hulking presence - she is light on her feet and doesn't lack for youthful energy."
    You're using a ;, a -, and but in the same 'sentence', which is sorta splitting it almost four ways which breaks up the flow a lot. I would probably split this into two instead, or use a ;/- break further on since they're harder breaks.
    "She stands at a typical height for Xorani, a shade over six feet tall, with definite muscle on her limbs and trunk - but not enough to be a hulking presence. Light on her feet, she doesn't lack for youthful energy."

    @Kenway - I really should stare at city mates more, my mental image of Kenway is like a POTC thing 'cause of forum picture. Besides stuff already mentioned -
    You start three sentences with 'His' in a row. You could open the beard one with something like "A thin, jagged scar runs from chin to cheekbone, breaking a short, trim beard." For the left extremities bit, I would replace the 'theirs' with 'the', since it's sort of an unnecessary second layer of possessiveness being attributed. Pretty minor, but you save a half-syllable in flow (their vs. the) and get to the fun flame part faster. I think there's some poetic meter you could play with here too, but I always forget the exact names - say 'the flesh once charred by fearsome flame', and it feels like it rolls better than 'their flesh once charred by some fearsome flame'.

    @Zenith - I like it, think you nailed it with short and sweet like everyone's mentioned! Instead of ending the eye sentence with 'to them', you could invert that part of the sentence with something like 'His thin face is youthful and clean-shaven, and there's often a lively sparkle in his brown eyes.'

    @Virgo - I get a pretty striking mental image off of this, so good job! I'm also definitely a fan of gently bending standard phrases like 'inch or two' to 'inch or three', makes me happy.
    When you're referring to his skin 'lightly shining', I would probably change this to 'aglow' - it connotes less strongly that the skin is physically emitting light. Would probably then want to change that part to 'aglow with the vitality of youth'.
    Since you're going into the mask after talking immediately about his face, you can refer to the previous sentence without having to redefine what the subject is - "The entire right half is [mask here]", you can cut out the of his face part.
    "Lightly gleaming with a light brown lustre" - I think, cut out the first lightly? Or I would look for a different pair of adjectives so you don't have lightly followed so soon by light.
    For the wings, I would probably change flutter to something else - you're talking about how strong they are, and a flutter is usually used to show delicate/gentle. Nothing wrong here either, but I'd be inclined to go for a more powerful motion.
    KalilaVirgoShirszaeKyrra
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