Welcome to the Achaea Forums! Please be sure to read the Forum Rules.

Descriptions Wanted 1.0

12425272930

Comments

  • EheneEhene Posts: 55 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    Hey, I have a description! What do you guys think? I'd love some feedback.
    His lean, muscular silhouette is a dance of smooth curves and sharp angles. His body, standing a head under two metres, is covered in cream-coloured skin with a dusting of cinnamon freckles. Emerald jungles of wild intensity gaze outward, combining with his mountainous cheekbones and cavernous mouth to illustrate each expression with picturesque detail. A shaggy mop of dark auburn curls sits atop his head, the hair swirling about his nape and ears like the tumultuous sea. Jutting out from that frothy ginger ocean are two taupe horns, like those of a ram, spiraling down and away from his brow like the propeller seeds of a maple tree. His taut arms, capped with calloused hands, hang loosely from his broad shoulders and frame his sinuous torso. Wide hips descend suddenly into hirsute goat legs, covered in coarse hair that matches his curly mop. Ebony hooves clop gently as he moves, a whispered hint of fleet-footedness.

  • ExelethrilExelethril EleusisPosts: 2,917 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    edited December 2016
    I went Troll for the discount +1 STR. Was kinda bored at work so decided to re-write descriptions :

    With armour

    He is a powerful troll. Rugged and lean in appearance, traces of the wilds betray this giant's 
    allegiance. Swept coarsely across his face, leaf-ridden dark auburn hair of medium length frames 
    an elegant profile - marred by a single battle scar that runs across his cheek. His dark blue eyes are 
    vigilant and exude a discerning instinct. Though his facial features are dismissively human-like, his 
    ashen skin and towering heavily-armoured frame which hints at naturally sinewy muscle beneath, 
    allude to his race. Clad entirely in runic fullplate and armed with an array of knightly weapons,
    his martial attire and stature lend his presence a militaristic air. Verdant emerald warpaint is artfully
    brushed over his cheek to form the image of a rampant stag.


    No armour

    He is a powerful troll. Rugged and lean in appearance, traces of the wilds betray this giant's 
    allegiance. Swept coarsely across his ashen face, leaf-ridden dark auburn hair of medium length 
    frames a noble profile - marred by a single battle scar that runs across his cheek. His dark blue 
    eyes are vigilant and exude a discerning instict. Though his facial features are dismissively 
    human-like, his towering frame is taut with sinewy muscle, a hallmark of his race's natural brawn. His 
    ash grey skin is untinged by the sun - despite many hours spent in and out of forest shade, under 
    which he often resides. Verdant emerald warpaint is artfully brushed over his cheek to form the
    image of a rampant stag.

    ----

    Wasn't quite sure how to convey "around 7-ish feet in lesserform"

    [ SnB PvP Guide | Link ]

    [ Runewarden Sparring Videos | Link ]
    ShaydeVallie
  • TyrmalonTyrmalon Posts: 10
    I went Horkval out of curiosity as to what it's like playing as an insectoid character. I liked the idea of playing around heavily with his appearance, so I've been in the process of giving him a bit of a mixture of insect traits.
    He is an insectoid horkval, standing seven feet and five inches tall. His slender body is covered in a dull beige carapace with faded auburn markings ranging from thick, wavy lines that shrink into a strand of diminishing dots. The skin beneath his exoskeleton, exposed at his joints and other parts of his body, is covered in long, brown moth-like fuzz. Two long antennae poke upward from his triangular head, swooping backwards and swishing about freely on their own accord like jittery snakes. He has bulbous orange-red eyes with black pin-pricked pupils, accompanied by three smaller eyes on his forehead. His mouth is an insectoid synthesis of beak and mandibles that emit a variety of clicks and clacks. A variety of serrated grooves taper down the length of his arms, where a pair of blade-like structures with spiked ridges jut several inches past his wrists. The clawed fingers of his hands have serrated plates jutting backwards. A pair of very small, raptorial arms jut up from the lower section of his segmented thorax. Two crisscrossed filaments rest along his shoulderblades, giving the impression of wings that appear to be vestigial in nature. His movements are very sudden and twitchy, an ever-intrigued clicking hum almost always emitting from him when in the presence of something foreign. While his face is alien and expressionless, there does seem to be a glimmer in his eyes that suggests some degree of cunning to his strange, trepidatious nature.
    As of right now, he looks majorly like a mix between a praying mantis and a moth, and he's very fidgety.
    Vallie
  • VallieVallie Posts: 183 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    Praying mantises are awesome :D!

    Wanted to point at this bit: '...faded auburn markings ranging from thick, wavy lines that shrink into a strand of diminishing dots.'

    I normally see the use of 'range' or 'ranging' being 'ranging from X to Y', in that it expects two points to compare against, whereas it seems that you've just got one (wavy lines that turn into dots). 'Ranging' implies to me that he has a variety of different markings, from line to dots, but as written I'm not sure if you meant instead to say that his markings start as lines and turn into small dots?

    I like it, anyways!
    Tyrmalon
  • VallieVallie Posts: 183 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    Ehene said:
    Hey, I have a description! What do you guys think? I'd love some feedback.

    I think it's pretty good, particularly the maple tree simile - I like vivid imagery like that! One thing I might suggest is with 'His body, standing a head under two metres, is covered in..' just re-order it as 'Standing a head under two metres, his body is covered in..' because you get an easy way to avoid two sentences starting with the same word in a row.
    ShaydeEhene
  • TyrmalonTyrmalon Posts: 10
    Vallie said:
    Praying mantises are awesome :D!

    Wanted to point at this bit: '...faded auburn markings ranging from thick, wavy lines that shrink into a strand of diminishing dots.'

    I normally see the use of 'range' or 'ranging' being 'ranging from X to Y', in that it expects two points to compare against, whereas it seems that you've just got one (wavy lines that turn into dots). 'Ranging' implies to me that he has a variety of different markings, from line to dots, but as written I'm not sure if you meant instead to say that his markings start as lines and turn into small dots?

    I like it, anyways!
    Thank you! ^^

    As for Tyr's markings, they start off as lines and diminish in thickness to the point of breaking into dots. At the time of writing his description, I wasn't sure how to convey it right. 
  • VallieVallie Posts: 183 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    I think the way you worded it just now would work, something like:

    'His slender body is covered in a dull beige carapace with faded auburn markings that begin as thick, wavy lines before diminishing gradually into strands of petite dots.'

    Maybe make it sound more manly by not using petite, but that's off the top of my head :P
    Tyrmalon
  • TyrmalonTyrmalon Posts: 10
    Vallie said:
    I think the way you worded it just now would work, something like:

    'His slender body is covered in a dull beige carapace with faded auburn markings that begin as thick, wavy lines before diminishing gradually into strands of petite dots.'

    Maybe make it sound more manly by not using petite, but that's off the top of my head :P
    I like it!
  • NicolaNicola Posts: 475 Achaean staff
    No metres, we use feet and inches!
    Liyane
  • MerevaikaMerevaika Posts: 4


    Using that as a 'model' face for my character since my imagination creation needs some work. This is my current description.

    He is a human, an atheltically-built, strapping lad standing nearing an inch or so above six and a half feet. The man's stature is defined by broad-shoulders, thick and slightly veined arms, a slimmed waist, and long, muscled legs. His chocolate-skinned complexion seems aglow with a charming tranquility, a calm and easygoing disposition. Lax almond shaped eyes are framed by rather lavish sable lashes, light cerulean irises peering with an easy warmth against high cheekbones. Merevaika's visage consists of a thick, broad nose, complemented by a strong chin, straight jaw, and shapely, firm lips. His naturally thick, coarse, and kinky dark brown hair has been cropped close, well-trimmed and clean.

    I feel like I could describe the hair a bit better, but not sure how. Otherwise, I'm content for now, though suggestions and such are always welcomed.
  • AntoniusAntonius Posts: 3,880 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    edited December 2016

    You have a typo in athletically. "Broad shoulders" shouldn't be hyphenated. Complexion already refers to skin, so having a "chocolate-skinned" complexion doesn't make sense. Should hyphenate "almond shaped", and probably put a comma after "Lax" immediately before it.

    EDIT: Stature refers to height, so not appropriate in the way you've used it. Possibly you want "silhouette" instead?

    MerevaikaKyrra
  • VallieVallie Posts: 183 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    edited December 2016
    Few things I'll poke at!

    1- Since you're already using 6 and a half feet (a set, measurable number), it's odd to then specify an additional measurable value with it (an inch or so above), because you'd normally  say so and so is 6'7 - as opposed to so and so is about an inch taller than 6'6.
    2- 'charming tranquility', despite being a lovely set of syllables that I encourage you to use, is an odd thing to say about skin. It'd be like saying 'his skin is charmingly peaceful' - charmingly I can see working, but tranquil as an adjective doesn't really fit for skin. What do you mean to imply about his skin?
    3- I have a terrible love of commas to the point that I overuse them often. I think you're bordering kind of close on it too, in particular the line about his face (around a comma per 3 words on average, or something like that). You could try something like 'Merevaika's visage consists of a thick, broad nose, complemented by a strong chin set with a straight jaw that accentuates his shapely, firm lips.' I'd tinker around with that a little more (accentuate doesn't feel right to me), and it may just be because I try to restrain my abuse :).

    I also wanted to point out that 'rather lavish sable lashes' is really soothing to say, I like it a lot. Gives me an ASMR-y vibe!

    (why did I not ever look into this thread before this is so much fun)

    Merevaika
  • NazihkNazihk Posts: 486 ✭✭✭✭ - Eminent
    Vallie said:

    1- Since you're already using 6 and a half feet (a set, measurable number), it's odd to then specify an additional measurable value with it (an inch or so above), because you'd normally  say so and so is 6'7 - as opposed to so and so is about an inch taller than 6'6.
    Along these lines, I would do something more like "a bit over six and a half feet".
    VallieMerevaika
  • MerevaikaMerevaika Posts: 4
    edited December 2016
    1- Since you're already using 6 and a half feet (a set, measurable number), it's odd to then specify an additional measurable value with it (an inch or so above), because you'd normally  say so and so is 6'7 - as opposed to so and so is about an inch taller than 6'6.
    -- I went with "... an athletically-built, strapping lad standing at six feet, seven inches." Thanks to you, too, @Nazihk


    2- 'charming tranquility', despite being a lovely set of syllables that I encourage you to use, is an odd thing to say about skin. It'd be like saying 'his skin is charmingly peaceful' - charmingly I can see working, but tranquil as an adjective doesn't really fit for skin. What do you mean to imply about his skin?
    -- Well, the whole line ("His chocolate complexion seems aglow with a charming tranquility, a calm and easygoing disposition.") is meant to convey a sense of mild serenity/calmness and friendly sort of thing. I figured just going with "a tranquil disposition" seems too much like his head was in the clouds (like Luna Lovegood's usual super calm and hyper peaceful look), so I added the "calm and easygoing disposition" to balance it out to make it a usually peaceful and calm look while appearing a bit more grounded, friendly, and social. Of course, I'm guessing it can use more work, lol.


    3- I have a terrible love of commas to the point that I overuse them often. I think you're bordering kind of close on it too, in particular the line about his face (around a comma per 3 words on average, or something like that). You could try something like 'Merevaika's visage consists of a thick, broad nose, complemented by a strong chin set with a straight jaw that accentuates his shapely, firm lips.' I'd tinker around with that a little more (accentuate doesn't feel right to me), and it may just be because I try to restrain my abuse :).
    -- How's "Merevaika's visage consists of a thick, broad nose, complemented by a strong chin and straight jaw, further diversified by his firm and shapely lips."?

    Altogether, my new description is 

    He is a human, an athletically-built, strapping lad standing at six feet, seven inches. The man's stature is defined by broad shoulders, thick and slightly veined arms, a slimmed waist, and long, muscled legs. His chocolate complexion seems aglow with a charming tranquility, a calm and easygoing disposition. Lax, almond-shaped eyes are framed by rather lavish sable lashes, light cerulean irises peering with an easy warmth against high cheekbones. Merevaika's visage consists of a thick, broad nose, complemented by a strong chin and straight jaw, further diversified by his firm and shapely lips. His naturally thick, coarse, and kinky dark brown hair has been cropped close, well-trimmed and clean. 

  • SenaSena Posts: 3,749 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    I wouldn't be bothered much by an atavian having four wings, but you'd need a very good explanation for why you have them as a human (especially since "human with wings" is almost the definition of atavians). If you really want them and don't want to change race, you could get artefact wings and customise them.
  • MerevaikaMerevaika Posts: 4
    Yea, sorry about that. Was an atavian for like, ten minutes..... Until I went human again, lol. Figured it was better to just edit instead of making a whole new post just saying "whoops, so he's a new race, here's a description with only one new line."

    But then I ended up doing that anyway with this one, soooooo...... Yea. He's a regular human without wings.
    Vallie
  • ExxiaExxia Posts: 191 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    Was interested in seeing descriptions that people legitimately took pride in making, I can imagine that pushing something out there for applause/criticizing can be hard, but here's my knight description as a troll. Probably doesn't meet with standards and is a little larger than it should be. Note: I know not to really describe clothing or how you want the observer to feel when they see you. 

    He is a powerful troll. Standing stalwartly at over eight feet tall, this necromantic death knight is encased in 
    horrifying meteoric black steel. Insidious plating of gnarled metals spike out in wickedly artisanal fashions. His head 
    is fully encased in a stygian armet of terrifying grandeur. A faint light flickers inside the slits of the helmet as if 
    a candle were burning inside. A humongous disgusting malformation has overtaken his left arm covering it in puss and 
    thick salival excrement. Large eyeballs, some holding multiple pupils of kaleidoscopic design, rip through the diseased 
    skin, by the many, down the tumorous disgust of an arm. Hundreds of blinking pupils dart around in an almost restless 
    resolve desperately taking in the gaze surrounding them. Clearly the taint of Evil, the overgrown musculature is lined 
    of boney appendages with rigid spikes ripping through the already sickening skin. Blood trickles down the globs of 
    excrement from eyeballs unfortunate enough to be pierced by some of these protruding spikes. Up to the shoulder larger 
    curved bone skewers rip upward in defiance mutilating the remaining armour. His hand, now hideous and unrecognizable, is 
    a large incredulous claw gripped in obvious destructive strength. Flies and gnats hover around the rotting and diseased 
    flesh. Clawed gauntlets envelop the other of his rigid fists, bolts jutting from the knuckles. A foul miasma seeps from 
    his evil soul. He stands in a strict militaristic dispostion. Imposing upward from his back is a daunting black 
    sashimono bearing the heraldic pennant of the city of Mhaldor raging proudly on. In his front right breastplate is the 
    symbol of the Leviathan gleaming in a black taint seemingly pulling in the light surrounding it, the Coat of Arms of the 
    Dread Legates. Hanging around the upper neck of the sinister cuirass is an exquisite plate with the Barony House of 
    Lichlord Family Coat of Arms hammered beautifully into the blackened steel.



    Puxi
  • ExelethrilExelethril EleusisPosts: 2,917 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Wtf   

    [ SnB PvP Guide | Link ]

    [ Runewarden Sparring Videos | Link ]
    KryptonAhmetHalos
  • AhmetAhmet Wherever I wanna bePosts: 2,988 @ - Epic Achaean
    @Exelethril Why pay to customise items when you can just bypass all oversight and put it in your description, instead?
    Huh. Neat.
    ShirszaeMelaina
  • KryptonKrypton shi-KhurenaPosts: 1,753 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    What are the rewards for killing this Bloodborne boss?
    (Mhaldor): Herenicus says, "Apologies, I am in-and-out of hold with Verizon wireless customer service."
  • ExxiaExxia Posts: 191 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    edited January 12
    Let's see yours. Don't talk shit if you can't at least level your own, and if you call that one you posted months ago good you're lying to yourself

  • PuxiPuxi Posts: 235 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished

    Woooosaaaaaa!!!
    BannAziik
  • VallieVallie Posts: 183 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    Exxia said:
    -mutated troll stuff-

    I actually have a soft spot for nifty, gore-y, monstrous descriptions, and I felt it was a fairly good mental image. Ever since I saw Nightmare's design from Soul Calibur, I thought eye-arms were pretty neat, and I could get a mental image of Exxia pretty well off of this. Few things that might help!

    1 - to avoid the 'don't describe armor you're wearing', I think you've got an opportunity to just describe it as literal chunks of metal jammed into his body. So like, instead of him being 'encased in steel' or describing particular pieces of armor he's wearing, you could do something like 'Twisted, corroded plates of metal protrude from his body, embedded directly into diseased flesh and cancerous growths, while tendrils of skin squirm like pulsing vines across the blood-rusted metal.' The Lichlord symbol could still be on a piece of plate, but just literally screwed/nailed into his chest, for another example. Get really nasty with it, I think things moving on their own (like the blinking eyes) is awesome for making descs uncomfortable to think about.

    2 - A number of the sentences are fairly short, which makes it jarring for the mind to read through. It's like if you described a boy and a dog as 'Jack is a boy. Doug is a dog. Doug is a furry dog. The dog belongs to Jack.' as opposed to 'Jack has a furry dog named Doug.' So instead of 'His head is fully encased in a stygian armet of terrifying grandeur. A faint light flickers inside the slits of the helmet as if a candle were burning inside.', you could do things like 'His head is fully encased in a stygian armet of terrifying grandeur, a fight light flickering inside the slits as if a candle burned within.' You'd still want to probably do something about the worn armor bit here, but mostly just highlighting ways to combine some of the thoughts.

    3 - A lot of juicy adjectives and words throughout ('excrement' is such a good one) . One I would point at would be 'humongous', which often has more playful, not-gross connotations - you could replace it with something like uncontrolled or thriving, which has a 'living' connotation, making it seem more like it's a mutated growth.

    4 - If you want to go more gross, rather than just flies and stuff buzzing around, you could have something like 'Festering holes and sloughed masses of tissue reveal slime-filled tunnels of maggots, insect pupae and flies actively birthing from the living nest of troll flesh.' , 'cause buzzing bugs just means you're stinky, whereas having them hatch from your body is straight up wrong :D 
    PuxiAereidhna
  • VallieVallie Posts: 183 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    Oh 'cause it's almost lunch time and I read an article about guinea worm eradication, another creepy one would be having live tapeworms (or Achaean equivalent) actively burrowing out of his abdomen or arms or legs or whatever, kept in check because troll regen. I think there's some necro ability where they maggot/worm you anyways (maybe I'm thinking Lusternia >.>), maybe @Exxia literally cultivates his own, tears them out of his body, and feeds them to you :D
  • KryptonKrypton shi-KhurenaPosts: 1,753 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Vallie said:
    Exxia said:
    -mutated troll stuff-

    One I would point at would be 'humongous', which often has more playful, not-gross connotations - you could replace it with something like uncontrolled or thriving, which has a 'living' connotation, making it seem more like it's a mutated growth.
    The proper Achaean spelling is also "humungous."
    (Mhaldor): Herenicus says, "Apologies, I am in-and-out of hold with Verizon wireless customer service."
  • MinifieMinifie Posts: 912 ✭✭✭✭✭ - Grand Achaean
    edited January 12
    Krypton said:
    Vallie said:
    Exxia said:
    -mutated troll stuff-

    One I would point at would be 'humongous', which often has more playful, not-gross connotations - you could replace it with something like uncontrolled or thriving, which has a 'living' connotation, making it seem more like it's a mutated growth.
    The proper Achaean spelling is also "hugh-Mungus"

    LeonasTarausSiduri
  • JunnanJunnan Posts: 4
    Here's my new description for Junnan, the Grook Turtle Magi. It is a massive work in progress, because oh hell was that shell a pain for me to describe. I'm just not really good at describing. And before you any ask - yes, I used the TMNT dudes as a model for my Jun. Probably a little too much, but I thought it would be pretty cool to be a very large turtle that casts spells.

    I'm still working on trying to get some real personality into it - Junan's more of a quiet, reserved, and calm yet critical guy, never sweetening his words and telling it like he sees it, no matter who's feelings it hurts while also somehow looking very bored while he does it.

    In any case, I just need help improving it, period. I always thought I was decent at describing stuff, but this ninja turtle was friggin' difficult and I'm nowhere near satisfied with it. But I'm stuck, so.

    He is a frog-like grook, but he looks much more like a turtle than any sort of frog. He stands at a tall height of six feet, nine inches, his rough, dark green skin mottled with small black blotches on everywhere but his head. The front of his shell, the plastron, is not unlike the chestplate to a suit of armour, made of six thin, symmetrical plates, attached entirely to his torso instead of the massive, dome-shaped shell on his back, or the carapace. The incredibly hard, rough carapace is made of different shaped plates, the left and right halves symmetrical in appearance. Junnan's build is surprisingly muscular, only that much more imposing due to his shell. His head is bulbous in nature, with black, pupil-less eyes and wide, thin lips, his nose merely two holes.
    Halos
  • NazihkNazihk Posts: 486 ✭✭✭✭ - Eminent
    Sorry, that's terrible. "He is a tiger-like Rajamala but fuck you he's actually a wolf" is never going to be a good desc.
    ExelethrilJunnanMelaina
  • JunnanJunnan Posts: 4
    GG. Will become slimy frog.
Sign In to Comment.