Descriptions Wanted 1.0

Tahquil

Cesarina said:

Just got back from dormancy recently, haven't touched my desc in ages but I think I am all right with it, can anyone proofread for any glaring errors, inconsistencies, things you find disasteful, etc? I'd love to fix it up.

She is a winged atavian. Standing just over a metre and a half in height, she carries a frail, lithe frame that is not curvaceous nor entirely childish in shape. (1) Disheveled onyx-tinted wings pair upon her back. Near-alabaster paints her delicate skin, complementing the lustrous ebony tresses that fall over her left shoulder.(2) They gently trail down, her bangs parted elegantly to the right. Crimson, embossed lines form an escarbuncle brand bordered by more freshly seared flesh upon her upper left arm. (3)Large, shimmering amethyst eyes stand out from her pale complexion, framed by voluminous lashes, a thin application of raven eyeliner, and smoky gradient lids. They lead to a gracefully upturned button nose, then less than full rose-tinted lips. Her thin figure is shaped with a delicate curve at the hips and a small chest, her thin arms leading down to tiny hands, a glossy jet hue inking her nails. Her legs, perhaps the only lightly toned area of her body, add slightly to her mere stature.

There's a few things I'd correct.
1) seems like you started to write a sentence but forgot about it half-way.
2) Sentence particle that may have suppose to be joined to the line before?
3) This is an example of a sentence you could restructure. Four commas? 

I'd advise reading a sentence of the description, pause and take a breath, read the next one. It will help you with the flow.

As for the techincal grammar and spelling I'll leave it to someone else for that.

Aucello

She is a tiger-like rajamala, around six feet tall with a thin build, covered in unkempt orange fur with no markings except for the spots below her brown eyes.

Leliel

I think I'm pretty okay with the last revisions, but any critique or opinion is always welcome. 

She is a winged atavian, energetic and cheerful. Slightly below average height, she almost seems to bounce with a childish enthusiasm in keeping with her youthful, though extremely pale, looks. Her face seems perpetually split by a smile that she struggles to contain as she glances about, her cheeks slightly flushed and her eyes bright, the clear ruby color flecked with amber set under wispy lashes and angled brows. Her happy features are accentuated by a button nose and full mouth, her skin fair enough to qualify as porcelain. Her snow-white hair is pinned in a sloppy braided bun, stray strands falling to pool on her shoulders and frame her sharp cheekbones, curling down over her collarbone in an artless tumble. Her shoulders are narrow, sloping down into a quietly curvy frame, her build slim but athletic. A light dusting of freckles covers her shoulders, blending back into an expanse of slate grey feathers dappled in black.

Myna

Leliel said:

I think I'm pretty okay with the last revisions, but any critique or opinion is always welcome. 

She is a winged atavian, energetic and cheerful. Slightly below average height, she almost seems to bounce with a childish enthusiasm in keeping with her youthful, though extremely pale*, looks. Her face seems perpetually split by a smile that she struggles to contain as she glances about, her cheeks slightly flushed and her eyes bright, the clear ruby color flecked with amber set under wispy lashes and angled brows**. Her happy features are accentuated by a button nose and full mouth, her skin fair enough to qualify as porcelain***. Her snow-white hair is pinned in a sloppy braided bun, stray strands falling to pool on her shoulders and frame her sharp cheekbones, curling down over her collarbone in an artless tumble. Her shoulders are narrow, sloping down into a quietly curvy frame, her build slim but athletic. A light dusting of freckles covers her shoulders, blending back into an expanse of slate grey feathers dappled in black****.

* the ''though" here is wrong. Why would her childish enthusiasm or youth keep her from having "extremely pale looks"? Also, the phrase "extremely pale looks" is awkward. Why is everyone so pale these days? Is there no sun in Achaea? 

**I don't believe this is grammatically correct. 'the clear ruby color' isn't what's set under 'wispy lashes and angled brows'.

*** She's already been identified as thoroughly pale, and if you're looking to avoid cliches drop the porcelain. 

****Her freckles blend into her feathers? What? I think I get what you're going for here, but it's awkwardly worded. 

Overall you might want to see if you can cut down on comma use and make a few sentences more succinct. 

Novak

Come all ye people, all reviews/suggestions/critic things welcome :hurrah: 


He is a human who stands very tall, taller than most at seven feet,  eight inches. His gleaming olive hued skin is flawless, despite his violent life. Built powerfully, the man is quite muscled yet graceful, like a panther: his bulging muscles rippling smoothly as he moved, a hint of restrained wild in his gait and in his bright aqua gaze. Broad shoulders gives him his large, solid appearance as it leads into arms with solid cords of muscle. Slim thighs and solid calves attest to the strength of his long legs. His core loses to few as his well developed abdominal is clearly outlined. Despite the huge amount of work put into building his physical strength, his body is still kept proportional, toned and not in the slightest bulky. His hair is raven black, a little longer than shoulder length and straight. Oddly enough, his ears are long and pointed, quite sensitive to touch. His nose is small and straight, resting above his slightly thick, dark lips. His jaw and chin slightly strong and his cheekbones noble, Xori possesses a rugged handsomeness about himself that few had.

((For a soon to be character, by the way. So don't get all 'Whaaaa' when you see the name here and on my profile don't match ))

Jurixe

Some suggestions regarding the description:

- General height is typically preferable to exact: so 'just below eight feet' or 'seven feet and a half' or something like that, since no one will know the exact amount of inches at a glance.
- Best to avoid telling people about your character's history through description, since there's no way they will know that from sight without visual clues. Phrases like 'a violent life' and 'huge amount of work' can be replaced with other things; if his skin is flawless then there's no way other people will know his life is violent unless you tell them, or give clues in the way of scars and such. Same with 'huge amount of work'; it's just not necessary, if he's muscular then obviously work was done there.
- Comparison is always bad in a fantasy world unless you are certain of the stereotype, and even then it's best avoided. 'His core loses to few', 'a rugged handsomeness about himself that few had', are all very subjective - how do you know most human males in Achaea aren't ruggedly handsome? I would say ugly is the -exception-, in fact, when it comes to fantasy characters. Descriptive is okay (his core is a mass of rippling muscle or some such), making assumptions (in this case, that most Achaean human males are flabby) is not.
- Slight problems with tense with 'moved' instead of 'moves', and 'slightly strong' is a little weird there - perhaps if you're not comfortable with the hyperbole of 'strong', then use some other descriptor like 'square' perhaps.

Otherwise, not too bad! Simple is generally always good.

Xori

He is a human who stands very tall, just below eight feet. His gleaming olive hued skin is nearly flawless: a scar that stretched from his right shoulder to his left hip marks him. Built powerfully, the man is quite muscled yet graceful, like a panther: his bulging muscles rippling smoothly as he moves, a hint of restrained wild in his gait and in his bright aqua gaze. Broad shoulders gives him his large, solid appearance as it leads into arms with solid cords of muscle. Slim thighs and solid calves attest to the strength of his long legs. His well developed abdominal and strong chest make up his upper body. His body is kept proportional, not in the slightest bulky. His hair is raven black, a little longer than shoulder length and straight. Oddly enough, his ears are long and pointed, the tips ending at a slight downward curl, quite sensitive to touch. His nose is small and straight, resting above his slightly thick, dark lips. His jawline is strong, as well as his chin; noble cheekbones and hollow cheeks complete Xori.

How's that?  Also, thanks!

Edit: I can't think of a better way to end that last sentence, so please give suggestions for that.

Jurixe

A few suggestions:

Perhaps try 'His gleaming olive-hued skin is nearly flawless, marked only by a terrible scar that stretches from his right shoulder to his left hip.

Change 'rippling smoothly' to 'ripple smoothly', then try changing 'wild' to 'ferocity', or failing that 'wildness'.

Change 'gives' to 'give' as shoulders are plural, same for changing 'it' to 'they'.

The 'proportional' sentence is a bit redundant; you could insert the 'proportional' comment in the 'Built powerfully' sentence, so 'Built powerfully yet proportionally,'

Try 'Strong lines define his chin and jawline, while noble cheekbones and hollow cheeks complete his visage.'

Overall though, much better!

Xori

Thanks for the help! :hurrah: 

Cassa

I think I've been staring at this too long. I'm super new at this, but this short bit just feels awkward. Help!

"She is a human, short and with a solid build revealing a hint of muscle under her rosy skin. Her face is round, with deep-set hazel eyes set under thin, straight eyebrows. A pinched nose sits above a downturned mouth and a pointed chin. Her sable hair is pulled into a simple and messy braid ending just below her shoulders."

(Can you even do the ", <description>" bit after the standard "<s/he> is a <race>"? *flails*)

Aereidhna

Cassa said:

I think I've been staring at this too long. I'm super new at this, but this short bit just feels awkward. Help!

"She is a human, short and with a solid build revealing a hint of muscle under her rosy skin. Her face is round, with deep-set hazel eyes set under thin, straight eyebrows. A pinched nose sits above a downturned mouth and a pointed chin. Her sable hair is pulled into a simple and messy braid ending just below her shoulders."

(Can you even do the ", <description>" bit after the standard "<s/he> is a <race>"? *flails*)

I quite like it and yes, just do DESCRIBE SELF + , short... to get it to come up that way.

Mingmei

I'd love a critique of this one (it's my second description since starting)

She is a human. She is of about average height at five foot three, and her skin is a golden-tan colour. Her black hair is in a neat bun, and her pretty, well-balanced face has almond-shaped eyes a deep shade of brown. She keeps herself meticulously clean, and her body is slender, yet a closer inspection reveals a soft and flabby build that doesn't miss meals. Her puffy tummy sticks out further than her small breasts, and weak arms make it clear she is not very athletic. The fit of her clothing suggests she's gained weight recently, particularly in her protruding belly, all of it fat.

Trevize

Mingmei said:

I'd love a critique of this one (it's my second description since starting)

She is a human. She is of about average height at five foot three, and her skin is a golden-tan colour. Her black hair is in a neat bun, and her pretty, well-balanced face has almond-shaped eyes a deep shade of brown. She keeps herself meticulously clean, and her body is slender, yet a closer inspection reveals a soft and flabby build that doesn't miss meals. Her puffy tummy sticks out further than her small breasts, and weak arms make it clear she is not very athletic. The fit of her clothing suggests she's gained weight recently, particularly in her protruding belly, all of it fat.

Five three doesn't sound average to me. My preference be to stop at height, and leave it vague.

How do we know she keeps herself clean at a glance?

How do we know she doesn't miss meals?

How do we know she isn't athletic?

Gained weight recently?

My rule is show, don't tell. You're doing a good job of showing! - but then you ruin it by telling. Remove what you're hinting at, leave the hints, and use that extra space to hint more!

Mingmei

@trevize Okay, I see what you're saying.  How about this?

She is a human. She is of about average height, a bit on the petite side, and her skin is a golden-tan colour. Her black hair is in a neat bun, and her pretty, well-balanced face has almond-shaped eyes a deep shade of brown. There isn't a spot of dirt anywhere on her, and her body is slender, yet a closer inspection reveals a soft and flabby build. Her puffy tummy sticks out further than her small breasts, and thin arms show no sign of musculature. Her clothing seems to fit a bit too snugly, straining around her hips, and it seems particularly tight around her protruding belly, which appears to be nothing but fat.

Basileios

#Letsdothis

He is a horned satyr. Weighing in at about 15 stones, this particular satyr stands at about 5'8" give or take a little bit. Atop his head there is a fair bit of shaggy rich auburn hair, albeit messy. It stays mostly out of his face due to his horns, which curve ever so slightly up and backwards, though shorter than most others. Eyes of a brilliant ocean blue, that seem to look around with a weary gaze. Not that big of a nose, though it comes to a rounded point. To his jawline, there lays a rather fine looking and well kept beard, though somewhat rugged-ish. With a fair amount of muscle to his form, it is hidden beneath a small layer of fat, except at his gut where there lay a bit of a muscle-gut. He has a fair amount of body hair, namely on his chest and a bit on his stomach that trail down to meet the rich auburn hair of his well muscled goat legs. Leading down to ebony hooves that love to clatter and make quite the bit of noise when he walks.

Let's see how this goes.  Run on sentences ahoy, I bet.

Atalkez

He towers at an impressive height, well over six feet tall, with 

the unmistakable body of a battle-seasoned warrior. His presence is made more menacing by the long 

spikes of hair adorning his head, a small soundless bell affixed to the end of each. His eyes are a 

light hazel, glittering with intelligence and warmth as he views the world around him. Above his 

brow, a jagged scar can be seen on his forehead. His face is sharp and angular, with high cheekbones 

and a straight nose. A well-groomed obsidian goatee graces his chin. Shadows cast by the voluminous 

eagle beak hood of his calf-length robe further veil him in darkness, making him appear much like a 

stalking shadow, darker than night and unseen until he wills it. An exquisitely tooled epaulet 

bearing the arms of Ashtan crowns one shoulder, supporting the midnight black swordsman cape which 

sluices down his back in a shadow swirl to his calves. Two splashes of lurid colour break up the 

sable planes of his war-wrought body, the sash wound around his waist in a blood-red twist, and the 

bright band of crimson that encloses his right wrist. With his hand draped casually over the hilt of 

his blade, the hilt of which is encircled with a luminous bracelet of crimson ribbon, he seems 

always primed for battle. Peeking just above the crimson band, a puckered brand of the escarbuncle 

of Mhaldor rests, the skin around the wound puckered and dying.

Tell me how lame it is to describe the clothing >.>

Halos

Atalkez said:

He towers at an impressive height, well over six feet tall, with the unmistakable body of a battle-seasoned warrior. His presence is made more menacing by the long spikes of hair adorning his head, a small soundless bell affixed to the end of each. His eyes are a light hazel, glittering with intelligence and warmth as he views the world around him. Above his brow, a jagged scar can be seen on his forehead. His face is sharp and angular, with high cheekbones and a straight nose. [...]

oic

Atalkez

Totally Kenpachi. Beastmode.

Trevize

Mingmei said:

@trevize Okay, I see what you're saying.  How about this?

She is a human. She is of about average height, a bit on the petite side, and her skin is a golden-tan colour. Her black hair is in a neat bun, and her pretty, well-balanced face has almond-shaped eyes a deep shade of brown. There isn't a spot of dirt anywhere on her, and her body is slender, yet a closer inspection reveals a soft and flabby build. Her puffy tummy sticks out further than her small breasts, and thin arms show no sign of musculature. Her clothing seems to fit a bit too snugly, straining around her hips, and it seems particularly tight around her protruding belly, which appears to be nothing but fat.

Definitely better! If you want to touch it up a bit, there's a few places where commas are unnecessary, and you could make the wording a bit more active. But that's being picky, to be honest! Overall concept is much improved!

Just remember when describing anything that you can tell me it's elegant, or it's green - or you can make ME think 'damn, that's elegant!' or tell me it's a rich emerald green that shimmers as it catches the light.

Fitz

Working on Fitz as a Grook....not really sure where to go with it:

He is a frog-like Grook and is an unimposing figure at five and a half feet of height. 

Slight of build, Fitz's slick skin is variegate in green hues. Bulbous, oblong 

pupiled violet eyes leer atop a wide lip-less maw. He moves adroitly for all that he 

appears emaciated, and is possessed of a set of supple looking clawed hands.

Bluef

Fitz said:

Working on Fitz as a Grook....not really sure where to go with it:

He is a frog-like Grook and is an unimposing figure at five and a half feet of height. 

Slight of build, Fitz's slick skin is variegate in green hues. Bulbous, oblong 

pupiled violet eyes leer atop a wide lip-less maw. He moves adroitly for all that he 

appears emaciated, and is possessed of a set of supple looking clawed hands.

I'd suggest describing the emaciation more. That's a very distinguishing feature on a person and it's not given real center stage here. Also your colouring, if its variegate, then in what range of green hues? Defining those things would give us a much clearer sense of Fitz's appearance as a grook. 

I really like the use of "leer" and "maw." I don't understand how you can tell someone moves adroitly in a description though. For example, if the person is standing still and you look at them, are they moving adroitly? A nimble physique may move adroitly and even be hinted at that it does this in the description, but I'd think about what that form really looks like and focus description there. 

Also the English teacher in me wants to see "lipless" (no hyphen) and supple-looking (hyphen!), if you stick with those parts. 

Fitz

Update: He is a frog-like Grook and is an unimposing figure at five and a half feet of height. 

Slight of build, Fitz's slick skin is variegate in green hues, thick spots and 

splotches range in colour from the darkest shade of hunter to the lightest olive drab.

Bulbous, oblong pupiled violet eyes framed by spiny ridges leer atop a wide lipless 

maw. Wattles about his throat emphasize his emaciated appearance, as does the 

looseness of his clothing. For all that he appears frail, his hands seem strong and 

supple, each webbed digit ending in a sharp claw.

Alcaro

She is a mhun. Standing five feet and seven inches tall, weighing in at a scarce one hundred and two pounds; her hips narrow and her shoulders thin, defined by a playful, subtle play of muscle and curvature. She's odd-eyed and pale-skinned, her hair an unruly tangle of ebony flaring around her waist, a single handful of strands drooping in a heavy descent across her blind eye, whilst the rest of the follicles cascade down the slope of her back when left unpinned. Her good eye is hued a lively shade of red, akin to the crackling of embers: contrasting strikingly with the dysfunctional, clouded bluegrey of her blind eye.

alcaro's description is old as dirt. tips for a new, slightly less wordy one?

Tahquil

Hi!

Hair grows from a follicle but once it emerges from the skin it can no longer be called a follicle. You're pretty much saying you have a cascade of ingrown hair all down your back.

Dairon

Tahquil said:

Hi!

Hair grows from a follicle but once it emerges from the skin it can no longer be called a follicle. You're pretty much saying you have a cascade of ingrown hair all down your back.

So fucking gross, pardon my french

Alcaro

Tahquil said:

Hi!

Hair grows from a follicle but once it emerges from the skin it can no longer be called a follicle. You're pretty much saying you have a cascade of ingrown hair all down your back.

LOL I guess that's what I get for being pretentious. Good thing no one's ever caught that before. Because yeah that's really damn gross.

Alcaro

 She is a mhun and is built accordingly as such, her lithe frame bereft of fat or unnecessary girth. If anything, she appears to be sauntering the border between underweight and malnourished, without apparent care for the consequences and, of course, this overwhelming air of confidence, reckless though it may be, only serves to further enhance her natural beauty: a wealth of dark hair tumbling in tumultuous waves across her shoulders and clavicle, the skin of which is incapable of tanning easily and thus remains creamy pale year-round, its swathes typically drawing attention from members of the opposite sex when left uncovered, the swells of her cleavage especially favoured unless rendered invisible by the dense fabric of her trench coat. More so than the rest, the female's most distinctive feature would most definitely have to be her eyes: when not tucked behind the silken fibers of an eyepatch, an cloudy, opaque shield is noticeable upon the lens of her left eye, serving as admirers' first clue of its impairment. Most of the time, though, the eyepatch is worn, warranting curiosity rather than dreaded pity. In comparison, the opposite eye is attentive to the happenings of its surroundings and appears relatively unharmed, its iris hued vibrant violet. Often the female's wide, thin lips are twisted in a roguish, mischievous smirk.

   my new description is even more wordy than the last lmao

Trevize

@Alcaro - you have a solid vocabulary there and some good writing, but there are three good rules to follow for descriptions, that stem from one basic rule: don't describe what can't be seen.

1) don't describe actions
2) don't tell people how they'd feel
3) don't tell what could/couldn't happen

Sybilla

She is a mhun and is built accordingly as such,

This seems redundant. Generally if something is the way it is expected to be, it doesn't need explaining (unless you mean to draw attention to it - but do this for a purpose rather than "Oooh look how NORMAL this is").

If anything, she appears to be sauntering the border between underweight and malnourished, without apparent care for the consequences and, of course, this overwhelming air of confidence, reckless though it may be, only serves to further enhance her natural beauty: a wealth of dark hair tumbling in tumultuous waves across her shoulders and clavicle, the skin of which is incapable of tanning easily and thus remains creamy pale year-round, its swathes typically drawing attention from members of the opposite sex when left uncovered, the swells of her cleavage especially favoured unless rendered invisible by the dense fabric of her trench coat.

This is one sentence. It's about 4 lines long for me, so that alone tells me it's too long.

If anything, ... of course, ...  most definitely have to be...

While this is not as jarring, and can certainly be a style, it comes across as very conversational. In the same vein as what Trevize says, this feels like you're telling a friend what Alcaro looks like, and are interjecting your own opinions/feelings/emotions/reactions etc. It's filler, essentially. You can remove them and the text would already be more streamlined.

without apparent care for the consequences and, of course, this overwhelming air of confidence, reckless though it may be, only serves to further enhance her natural beauty

I am not certain what you are trying to say here. She is emaciated, but confident about it, and it makes her more beautiful? According to whom?

a wealth of dark hair tumbling in tumultuous waves across her shoulders and clavicle,

"Across" seems weird here. Maybe "to".

typically drawing attention from members of the opposite sex when left uncovered, the swells of her cleavage especially favoured unless rendered invisible by the dense fabric of her trench coat. 

I wouldn't know just by looking that it draws attention from members of the opposite sex. Maybe it draws the attention of the same sex. Or none. Nor would I know that the swells of her cleavage are especially favoured. Describe what she looks like and let people draw their own reactions/conclusions as to whether or not it's appealing.

unless rendered invisible by the dense fabric of her trench coat. ... when not tucked behind the silken fibers of an eyepatch ... Most of the time, though, the eyepatch is worn,

The general rule is not to describe clothes in descriptions, but if you're going to, go with what your character is actually wearing at the given moment (and feel free to cycle through different descriptions accordingly). I wouldn't know what something looks like with/without an item of clothing, so pick one option and stick with it.

most distinctive feature would most definitely have to be her eyes: 

Usually when you use something like this, you follow with a brief summary of why the eyes are distinctive (one is blind/damaged, the other is violet), and later elaborate on each one if needed. Here instead you focus on one with or without the eyepatch before even mentioning the second.

an cloudy, opaque shield is noticeable upon the lens of her left eye,

"An" should be "a". Cloudy and opaque are synonyms, so you could go with just one if you wanted.

serving as admirers' first clue of its impairment. 

"Admirers" might be better replaced with "onlookers". You are attributing feelings/qualities to the people who would look at Alcaro.

warranting curiosity rather than dreaded pity.

Again, this is not something you get to decide - describe what is there and the other person modulates their response how they see fit.

In comparison, the opposite eye 

"By contrast" is probably better than "in comparison".

the female

This seems jarring to me. Why not "woman" or "mhun"?

If you remove all the fluff, the general structure could look something like:

She is a mhun whose build saunters the border between underweight and malnourished, with creamy pale skin that fails to tan. Her dark hair tumbles to her shoulders in tumultuous waves, softening her strong jaw and sharp clavicle. Masked behind a cloudy sclera, her left eye looks on unseeing, while the vibrant violet iris of her right appears lucid and attentive.

Which gives you plenty of room to add and build upon (e.g. her height, her posture, her way of moving, her smell maybe? etc.)

Krypton

Sybilla said:

the female

This seems jarring to me. Why not "woman" or "mhun"?

Why not... "she"?