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Descriptions Wanted 1.0

ArillesArilles Posts: 32
edited September 2012 in The Scarlattan Theatre
Had a lot of fun reading the old thread, anyone seen anything/anyone new and/or interesting? Or just need help with your description?
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Comments

  • ArillesArilles Posts: 32
    Is it really all that bad to add ones clothing into their description? If you want people to see that it's worn a certain way, hinting at something beneath or something?
  • SenaSena Posts: 3,749 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    As long as it isn't redundant, and you actually change your description whenever you remove/change the clothing it mentions, it should be fine. Most people who include clothes in their description don't bother changing it when they aren't actually wearing those clothes.
    BeyaAmunetBoosteya
  • PeakPeak Posts: 774 ✭✭✭✭✭ - Grand Achaean
    He is a mhun. He stands at an unremarkable 6 feet tall. His black hair is long and unkempt, pulled carelessly behind his head for the sole purpose of keeping it out of his face. His face is tan and leathery only brightened by emerald-green eyes. Thick, black stubble frames a shy smile that always decorates his face. He has unnaturally broad shoulders that support disproportionately large arms with all the hair singed off. His hands are very strong and rough, marred by an abundance of burns and faded scars. A barrel-shaped chest and solid core mount his plain, yet sturdy legs.

    This is me. Any good barbers?
  • KatzchenKatzchen MhaldorPosts: 2,000 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Peak, did you take the 'standard' mhun description, and try to make yours as unlike that as possible? You could have made him a few inches taller, and with blonde hair, if you were going for that. :P


                   Honourable, knight eternal,

                                            Darkly evil, cruel infernal.

                                                                     Necromanctic to the core,

                                                                                             Dance with death forever more.



  • GaraoGarao Posts: 460 ✭✭✭✭ - Eminent
    edited September 2012
    I never really concentrated a lot on my description.. but any advice is welcome.

    He is a stout dwarf. Standing small at an inch or two below five feet, his shoulders are broad and 
    his limbs thick like tree trunks. His hair is naturally blonde, but has been bleached in seemingly 
    random strands a steely pink. It's messy and shortish in length, just brushing the top of his ears 
    and the fringe falling around an inch shy of his fair coloured eyebrows. Skin of paled grey, his 
    jawline is adorned by light brown stubble. <when I remove armour>Seared into the flesh of his left forearm, a horrible 
    scar of an escarbuncle has branded him property of Mhaldor.
    One day, ACC, one day...
  • JiraishinJiraishin trapped in a thawing block of icePosts: 1,246 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Peak said:
    He is a mhun. He stands at an unremarkable 6 feet tall. His black hair is long and unkempt, pulled carelessly behind his head for the sole purpose of keeping it out of his face. His face is tan and leathery only brightened by emerald-green eyes. Thick, black stubble frames a shy smile that always decorates his face. He has unnaturally broad shoulders that support disproportionately large arms with all the hair singed off. His hands are very strong and rough, marred by an abundance of burns and faded scars. A barrel-shaped chest and solid core mount his plain, yet sturdy legs.

    This is me. Any good barbers?
    1. 6 feet is not unremarkable on a mhun
    2. "His face is tan and leathery only brightened by emerald green eyes"-- rewrite this to not use 'only'.
    3. A shy smile -always- decorates his face? That seems a little strange.
    4. Why are his legs plain?
    ________________________
    Regular sleep is for the weak.
    I ninja'd description ninja
  • DelphinusDelphinus Posts: 896 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    edited September 2012
    Amunet said:
    She is a human; a voluptuous slip of a woman standing perhaps an inch or two above five feet[1]. Her pallid complexion seems awash with algid luminescence, ghostly and insubstantial against the comparative darkness of her surroundings[2]. Large, round eyes, framed sumptuously by ebon lashes, have been generously lined in black, causing their chocolate irises to smoulder against the high cheekbones upon which they rest. An eerie, sanguineous third eye crowns her brow, resting at the apex of her forehead, where it glances about independently, its movements laden with preternatural perception. Her pert, aristocratic nose sits regally at the centre of her heart-shaped face, complementing the full, rose-brushed lips that perch above her chin. Her long, lustrous, raven tresses have been coiled elegantly into a low chignon at the base of her skull. Twin haircombs of platinum and black pearl have been tucked into her locks, securing the mass of hair in place. A diamond-capped platinum bar pierces the flesh between each vertebra from the nape of her neck to the small of her back, tracing her spine in a decadent ladder that glistens wildly against the matte expanse of her snow-white flesh. Her impeccable posture serves to augment her imperious airs, and her movements are fluid, characterised by the chic nonchalance that is the boon of fashionable inebriation[3]. The Mark of the Twin, 'II', has been etched into her left forearm, the scars long-healed and pearlescent.
    1. That semicolon conjugates oddly. If the second clause is dependent, consider commas instead. "She is a human, a voluptuous slip of a woman, standing perhaps an inch or two above five feet."
    2. Are the character's surroundings always dark? If the "surroundings" refer to the description that follows, it can be stated outright: "ghostly and insubstantial against her otherwise dark features."
    3. "Fashionable inebriation" bothers me; perhaps it assumes too much of the reader and the character. It could probably end on "characterised by a chic nonchalance" without losing anything.
    CahinSherazadAitox
  • ArillesArilles Posts: 32
    I don't think anyone thinks of being drunk as fashionable... Funny at times perhaps, but never fashionable...
    BoosteyaAuriela
  • ChryenthChryenth Posts: 1,323 @ - Epic Achaean

    You obviously know little of the Occultists, my friend.

     

    And, in fairness, the Phasteu- Phas- followers of the Smith. And the Templars.

     

    And Dwarfs in general. And pirates. And probably a load of others in Achaea, too.

    AmunetBoosteya
  • CahinCahin Posts: 1,246 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    None of those things are fashionable.  Just because things that are drunk exist does not make them fashionable.

  • AmunetAmunet Spokane, Washington, USAPosts: 700 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    I'm fairly sure @Delphinus knew what I meant, and he's just being pedantic. He has a point about the semi-colon, admittedly, but a comma just doesn't sit right, and altering the clause to add a complete sentence after the stock period doesn't flow very well, so until I can quit waffling between the two, it remains.

    Amu is pale. Painfully so. So pale that by comparison, even snow seems a bit lackluster. Over time, her complexion became a bit of a joke between Imyrr and I, as did my florid, descriptive style of writing, which I have tried to tone down when writing my public appearance, lest I face questions like this from people who prefer a narrative that is somewhat more Hemingway-esque. My one nod to fanciful description, thus, is used to describe her paleness. And, like the semi-colon, it isn't going anywhere for the foreseeable future.

    Being drunk is definitely a fashion in the Occultists. Anyone who doesn't understand the concept of "fashionable inebriation" needs to go read the work of John Wilmot, or Byron, or Rimbaud, or read Auntie Mame, or watched any costume drama featuring a rake and a fair amount of debauchery. As for those who would argue that Amunet can't possibly be drunk -all- of the time...well, come into Fire and Spice. If there isn't a drink in her hand, it usually means something is very wrong.


    My avatar is an image created by this very talented gentleman, of whose work I am extremely jealous. It was not originally a picture of Amunet, but it certainly looks a great deal like how I envision her!
    BoosteyaFaolin
  • NadielNadiel Posts: 38
    Jiraishin said:
    Peak said:
    He is a mhun. He stands at an unremarkable 6 feet tall. His black hair is long and unkempt, pulled carelessly behind his head for the sole purpose of keeping it out of his face. His face is tan and leathery only brightened by emerald-green eyes. Thick, black stubble frames a shy smile that always decorates his face. He has unnaturally broad shoulders that support disproportionately large arms with all the hair singed off. His hands are very strong and rough, marred by an abundance of burns and faded scars. A barrel-shaped chest and solid core mount his plain, yet sturdy legs.

    This is me. Any good barbers?
    1. 6 feet is not unremarkable on a mhun
    2. "His face is tan and leathery only brightened by emerald green eyes"-- rewrite this to not use 'only'.
    3. A shy smile -always- decorates his face? That seems a little strange.
    4. Why are his legs plain?
    For the sake of argument, 6 feet is only -not- unremarkable for a mhun if it is just as unusual on a human, as mhun are "of human size." Mhun, as far as I can tell, aren't dwarfed humans. They're just generally slimmer ones.
  • JiraishinJiraishin trapped in a thawing block of icePosts: 1,246 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Mhun, according to 'help mhun', are no shorter than humans, but the denizen descriptions do have them as slightly shorter. I would say that 6 feet is not unremarkable for a human either. Not that uncommon, but also tall enough to be remarked upon.
    ________________________
    Regular sleep is for the weak.
    I ninja'd description ninja
  • PeakPeak Posts: 774 ✭✭✭✭✭ - Grand Achaean
    Jiraishin said:
    Peak said:
    He is a mhun. He stands at an unremarkable 6 feet tall. His black hair is long and unkempt, pulled carelessly behind his head for the sole purpose of keeping it out of his face. His face is tan and leathery only brightened by emerald-green eyes. Thick, black stubble frames a shy smile that always decorates his face. He has unnaturally broad shoulders that support disproportionately large arms with all the hair singed off. His hands are very strong and rough, marred by an abundance of burns and faded scars. A barrel-shaped chest and solid core mount his plain, yet sturdy legs.

    This is me. Any good barbers?
    1. 6 feet is not unremarkable on a mhun
    2. "His face is tan and leathery only brightened by emerald green eyes"-- rewrite this to not use 'only'.
    3. A shy smile -always- decorates his face? That seems a little strange.
    4. Why are his legs plain?
    1. Started off as a troll; reincarnated and didn't bother changing.
    2. I'm not so sure I have a problem with this.
    3. I forgot I was smiling, I will change this forthrightly.
    4. You will TIMEOUT in 1 minute unless you do something.

    Mhun, according to 'help mhun', are no shorter than humans, but the denizen descriptions do have them as slightly shorter. I would say that 6 feet is not unremarkable for a human either. Not that uncommon, but also tall enough to be remarked upon.

    I'm a 6'5" human IRL. 6' isn't so remarkable.
    Kyrra
  • JiraishinJiraishin trapped in a thawing block of icePosts: 1,246 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    If you just said 'He stands at 6 feet tall' I wouldn't find it remarkable, it's more that you had to state it. 6 feet isn't that uncommon, but if someone were giving a description to the police they would remember that the person was tall.
    ________________________
    Regular sleep is for the weak.
    I ninja'd description ninja
    SherazadVasool
  • VigoVigo Posts: 24 ✭✭ - Stalwart
    I appreciate any and all constructive criticisms. Thank you.

    He is a horned satyr and though standing at only around the height of a mountain lion at the 
    shoulders, his cracking, gnarled horns twist into the air almost a foot above his head. His left 
    growth juts from his skull spinning wildly into itself like a ram's antlers yet his right twirls for 
    not half the length and has been severed and blunted. Dark, hazel eyes attentively track item to 
    item in the area from under his bushy black eyebrows. Fixed in the middle of his youthful face is a 
    broad, ridged nose which appears to have been broken and mended several times. Thick tufts of coal-black hair nearly blend into his swarthy complexion, meandering from all sides of his face before roping into a neatly braided beard. Reaching out from either side of his suit of finely polished plate armor, his thick, fur-covered arms appear to only cease growing hair where they are branded across the wrists. Crudely seared into his flesh, twin escarbuncles within a border adorn them, the mark of all Mhaldorian slaves. A pair of shorn and well-kept hooves serve as the base for his muscular legs, bent backwards and covered in coarse coal-black fur.
  • EldEld Posts: 3,946 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Vigo said:
    I appreciate any and all constructive criticisms. Thank you.

    He is a horned satyr and though standing at only around the height of a mountain lion[1] at the 
    shoulders, his cracking, gnarled horns twist into the air almost a foot above his head. His left 
    growth juts from his skull spinning wildly into itself like a ram's antlers yet his right twirls for 
    not half the length and has been severed and blunted. Dark, hazel eyes attentively track item to 
    item in the area from under his bushy black eyebrows. Fixed in the middle of his youthful face is a 
    broad, ridged nose which appears to have been broken and mended several times[2]. Thick tufts of coal-black hair nearly blend into his swarthy complexion, meandering from all sides of his face before roping into a neatly braided beard. Reaching out from either side of his suit of finely polished plate armor[3], his thick, fur-covered arms appear to only cease growing hair where they are branded across the wrists. Crudely seared into his flesh, twin escarbuncles within a border adorn them, the mark of all Mhaldorian slaves. A pair of shorn and well-kept hooves serve as the base for his muscular legs, bent backwards[4] and covered in coarse coal-black fur.
    Notes on the bolded parts:

    1) I guess HELP SATYR doesn't specify height ranges, but I believe satyrs are generally about human size (I'm sure someone paying attention to this thread has a source to cite for this). Being waist-high or less to typical members of your race is hard to justify.

    2) The obvious evidence of past breaks goes in with a lot of what's been said previously in predecessors to this thread about scars and the like. This is a world where a broken bone is cured instantly by an application of mending salve. Unless the scar or whatever has particular significance, such that you are specifically choosing (explicitly or implicitly, perhaps) for it NOT to be cured, there's really no reason it would be there. That said, if the breaks have some sort of ritualistic significance or something like that, it could be fine.

    3) Usual warnings about mentions of clothing in descriptions matching what you're actually wearing apply here. I would guess that removing your armour will probably be rare enough for this not to be a big deal, though.

    4) I'm assuming "bent backward" here means the knees hinge in the opposite direction from normal human knees, which I think is again counter to established satyr physiology.

    All that said, I do quite like the horn and face descriptions.
  • SilasSilas Posts: 2,529 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    I don't think many people - especially not combatants - would bother applying mending or restoration to a broken nose.

  • EldEld Posts: 3,946 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Silas said:
    I don't think many people - especially not combatants - would bother applying mending or restoration to a broken nose.
    Well, no, they'd smoke valerian so their ents wouldn't attack them. The point is that in a world where you go out on a regular basis and get beat to hell and back, and a sip here and an herb there fixes you up perfectly, permanent scarring and similar disfigurement doesn't make much sense unless there's some reason for it not to be cured by standard means. Maybe an oft-broken nose is a less egregious example? I dunno.
  • SilasSilas Posts: 2,529 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    Monks would go through vials and vials of mending and resto just from kaiing each other up with pmp.

  • JiraishinJiraishin trapped in a thawing block of icePosts: 1,246 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    @Synbios I am adding you to my list of grey-eyed mhun now. I have an overlapping one of grey-eyed Mhaldorians-- seems to be rarer in Shallamese.

    Might want to rephrase "A polite, yet sardonic expression always marks his expressions" so it doesn't use 'expression' twice, and maybe lose the comma.
    ________________________
    Regular sleep is for the weak.
    I ninja'd description ninja
  • LuharLuhar Posts: 81 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished

    Just a thought - not trying to derail too much.
    If health/vitality/other healing manages to perfectly cure and heal over the damage caused by cuts, bruising, fire, lightning, etc, etc, that we tend to get on a nearly daily basis, then would it not make sense for most scars to have been gained while people were novices? As in, before learning to sip health to overcome normal wounds, when the injuries were slept off and normal regeneration was allowed to take place.

    A bit more on topic - I'm rewriting most of Luhar's decriptions (gem of transmutation, so I have a different one per race) to reflect that he's now older and less youthful looking (aiming for middle aged now). Any tips on what kind of tweaks could be made to reflect it while keeping the overall feel (just generally of course, as I'm at work and not near my actual descriptions)? Changing skin and hair a bit seems sensible for some races, but how about the less human, like horkval, rajamala and xoran?

  • JiraishinJiraishin trapped in a thawing block of icePosts: 1,246 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    I think that sleep and basking cures just as well as health/vitality, otherwise cheap adventurers like me would be -covered- in scars.

    Not sure how to make descriptions look older-- maybe use words like "seasoned", "weathered", "deliberate"?
    ________________________
    Regular sleep is for the weak.
    I ninja'd description ninja
  • SilasSilas Posts: 2,529 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    To be fair, with arties, runes and tattoos, most people regen like Wolverine anyway.

    BoosteyaKakotas
  • DelphinusDelphinus Posts: 896 @@ - Legendary Achaean
  • ChryenthChryenth Posts: 1,323 @ - Epic Achaean

    Last time I updated my description, I added grey to the hair and lines to the face to make him seem older.

     

    He is a human. He has short, jet black hair, lightly dusted with gray at the sides, which forms a
    frame around a face as hard and weathered as stone. The lines of his nose are crooked, a clear
    indication that it has been broken and reset multiple times. His eyes are blue as ice and just as
    cold. There are lines on his face, the result of many years of accumulating experience.  Faint scars
    and scratches mar the visible portions of his skin, indicating that he has seen a share of combat.
    Hanging almost tangibly around him is an air of exhaustion.

     

    All advice apprecitated.

  • SynbiosSynbios Posts: 4,355 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    edited September 2012
    Jiraishin said:
    @Synbios I am adding you to my list of grey-eyed mhun now. I have an overlapping one of grey-eyed Mhaldorians-- seems to be rarer in Shallamese.

    Lost me there, sorry. Clarify?

    Updated my journaldescription:

    He is a mhun. He stands at a height of five feet, four inches. Despite having the thin build of his 
    Mhun kinsmen, his body has a bit of toned muscle, evidence of his extensive knightly training. His 
    face is unremarkable, with the only thing standing out being the traces of his former Tsol'aa 
    incarnation adding a bit of grace to his features. He has unkempt short black hair that frames a 
    pair of grey eyes, which gaze disinterestedly at the world about him. He has a polite, yet dour air 
    about him. Tattooed on his fingers is a labyrinthine pattern of black lines, branching out into 
    geometric patterns that spread across his hands.

    Lianca
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