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Help a Newbie: Background

ColevColev Member Posts: 3
This is the background I have planned:

**Text Begins**
Raised amongst the Tsol’aa Rangers, Colev was trained to wield bow to protect the Tsol’aa village and the surrounding Aalen Forest. Disturbed by the idea that he couldn’t wield bow as best as he could, he was, in turn, familiarized himself with the forest and its histories that eventually brew curiosity of what is beyond the Vashnar Mountains. When opportunity came, Colev volunteered to accompanied a caravan trip to Ashtan. He has learnt of the history between the Tsol’aa Kingdom, druids, Ashtan and the ogres of Dun Valley but he never appreciate the real importance of his tasks as rangers until he saw a world beyond. During his returning trip, his has an understanding of the importance of forest to his people and other forestal beings as well. However, this is not just about Aalen Forest, its about protecting nature elsewhere. There are so much more histories that is waiting to be known, and so much more is at stake. At the age of eighteen, Colev departed from his home, sought the Trials of Rebirth, and joined the Sentinels in hoping to furthering his knowledge to protect nature and eventually, his forestal home.
**End of Text**

I'm not sure if any of it is out of context or alignment, so I was hoping for experienced adventurers to check if this background is valid.
Also, I initially wanted to include Tsol'aa denizens as part of the story, but gave it up to play safe. Can I include denizens in character's background or history?
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Comments

  • ShirszaeShirszae Caer WitrinMember Posts: 2,703 @@ - Legendary Achaean

    If you want to play it really safe, your best bet is to include 'background denizens' so to speak. I.e not a specific, named denizen from a room, but one of your imagination that it would make sense to live there. The key then becomes to be vague while giving enough details to keep it interesting. 

    As for the text... it certainly makes sense, though someone with more expertise in the lore might spot some inconsistency

    And you won't understand the cause of your grief...

    image

    ...But you'll always follow the voices beneath.

  • KyrraKyrra Sanctum of the SkyMember Posts: 4,235 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    I don't see a problem with including denizens as long as it's reasonable.

    Kyrra was born in Genji, had a denizen biological mother because I wrote my background for a guild task before Kyrra was bloodlined by a player. Kyrra learned to read from the village shaman, and the shaman is where her interest in runelore comes from.

    Anything excessive like claiming to be the illegitimate love child of Belladona and Zsarachnor probably would get dismissed by a lot of people.
    (D.M.A.): Cooper says, "Kyrra is either the most innocent person in the world, or the girl who uses the most innuendo seemingly unintentionally but really on purpose."

    Corbeaux
  • VayneVayne Rhode IslandMember Posts: 1,897 @@ - Legendary Achaean
    What they said, beside that, I hate to be the guy who says it but I would get someone to help you out with your subject-verb agreement. I'm assuming your not a native English speaker.
    image
    Cinya
  • AgravainAgravain Member Posts: 114 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    edited April 2013
    I'm not sure if the style of your writing was desired or if English isn't your native language, but here is a cleaned up version if the former isn't the case. :)

    Raised amongst the Tsol’aa Rangers, Colev was trained in the art of wielding a bow to protect the Tsol’aa village and the surrounding Aalen Forest. Disturbed by the idea that he couldn’t perform this responsibility as best as he could, he in turn familiarized himself with the forest and its histories that eventually brew curiosity of what is beyond the Vashnar Mountains. When the opportunity came, Colev volunteered to accompany a caravan trip to Ashtan. He has learnt of the history between the Tsol’aa Kingdom, druids, Ashtan and the ogres of Dun Valley, but he never appreciated the real importance of his tasks as a ranger until he saw a world beyond. During his returning trip, his understanding of the importance of the forest to his people and other forestal beings had grown vastly. However, this is not just about the Aalen Forest, it is about the protection of all nature. There are many yet-unknown rich accounts of history that are just waiting to be known, and so much more is at stake. At the age of eighteen, Colev departed from his home and sought the Trials of Rebirth, joining the Sentinels in hope of furthering his knowledge to protect nature, and eventually, his forestal home.

    It's probably not the best it could be, but I'm sure others are also willing to help if it isn't up to standard. I left in a touch of that unique style of writing I feel like Colev/yourself brought to the story, and you don't want it to be -too- touched up, especially if it doesn't convey what it is you as a player bring to your character, his history and his personality.

    In my opinion.
    Kyrra
  • ColevColev Member Posts: 3
    edited April 2013
    Thank you so much for all of your replies and helps.
    I am not a native English speaker. I have learn where my mistake was by comparing Agravain's with mine, and came up with a modified Background.

    ***
    Raised amongst the Tsol’aa Rangers, Colev was trained in the art of wielding a bow to protect the Tsol’aa Kingdom and the Aelan Forest. For many years, He has difficulty in mastering archery but he has found interest in learning more about Aalen Forest and it's natural histories; the more he learn, the more curious and adventurous he become. His took every opportunity to accompany passing caravans and travellers to venture places beyond the Vashnar Mountains. The experience has made him realized he had never appreciated the real importance of his role as a ranger until he learned of the threats that harm forests around the world. The following year, his understanding of forests and their role in sustaining multitude of life had grown vastly and he came to a conclusion: he has to protect not only Aalen Forest but also natural forests elsewhere. At the age of eighteen, Colev departed from his home and sought the Trials of Rebirth, joining the Sentinels in hope of furthering his knowledge to protect all of nature and his forestal home.
    ***

    I hope it is much easier to read than the previous one.

    I understand about inconsistency between playing the character and the background, but I do really have interest in Achaean lore and the mechanic of the forest.

    Now that I know I can include denizens, can I explained more of my background in the History? Or is it only meant to record event that happen during gameplay?
  • OrklanishkalOrklanishkal Member Posts: 149 ✭✭✭ - Distinguished
    You ca definitely explain more of your background in the history. I think it's best to develop it over time and work out exactly how you want to explain the way you've found fun to RP your character, but it is certainly a good idea to think about the basics or the beginnings and how he got to be where he is today.

    The other thing I'd say is that, as a young adventurer, Colev probably isn't an Aalen ranger. Try to make it realistic that you're RPing a sort of novice-ish character in the world, and say that you trained with the rangers, aspired to be one, etcetera, but have some reason for leaving the Aalen and joining Eleusis/Sentinels. 
    Cinya
  • CinyaCinya Member Posts: 298 ✭✭✭✭✭ - Grand Achaean
    edited April 2013
    I like your background a lot - and it's really great to see how much thought you've put into it already. Here are two tips for you to keep in mind: 

    1) The most important thing about creating a character is NOT their background, it's how they FEEL about it. You have a lovely story, but make sure to flesh out Colev's opinions/feelings. For example, does Colev talk about missing Aalen a lot, or does he look down on his time there? Can you come up with a few anecdotes or memorable moments from his time there? This adds another interesting dimension to your character.

    2) Here is a suggestion considering your English abilities - consider pretending that Colev has spoken Tsol'aa his entire life, and is still polishing up his Achaean. Nothing you wrote in your first paragraph was too difficult to understand, it was just a little messy. It shouldn't impact your roleplaying, but it might be a nice touch to help keep immersion for people who are very picky about that. 
    Mathonwy said:
    dactylic hexameter is
    way more interesting than the inside of anyone's vagina.
    VayneSimoln
  • ColevColev Member Posts: 3
    Thank you for your feedback, Cinya and Orklanishkal!

    I have made further improvement to the background. There is indeed a small accounts of feelings involving Colev in mastering archery. I hope the modification would make the background more appealing. What Orklanishkal said make sense as well, Colev was raised by the rangers and was taught to be one, rather than he is a full fledged ranger, and I am still learning many things in-game.

    ***
    Raised amongst the Tsol’aa Rangers, Colev was taught in the art of wielding a bow in hopes and visions that he may protect the Tsol’aa Kingdom and the Aelan Forest. He trained regularly with the rangers but he has difficulty in mastering archery and it has became a continuing source of frustration and disappointment. Fortunately, he found joy in caring the Aalen Forest and learning of its natural histories. The more he learn, the more curious and adventurous he become. His desires to ventured beyond the Vashnar Mountains is so great that he took every opportunity to be hired as a mercenary by passing caravans and travelers. In the following year, his understanding of forests and their role in sustaining multitude of life had grown vastly. The collective experiences in travelling has also made him realized he had never appreciated the real importance of forestal guardianship until he learned of the many threats that seek to destroy forests. With his determination and self-devotion to the forests, he vows to protect not only Aalen Forest but also forests elsewhere. At the age of eighteen, Colev departed from his home and sought the Trials of Rebirth, joining the Sentinels in hope of furthering his knowledge to protect all of nature and his forestal home.
    ***

    I would like to add more stories and moments, but I was hoping to do this within History and the many chapters within. I personally think the background should be short.
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